Chapter 1: Best. Birthday. Ever.

I'm really a little peeved at myself for my long hiatus from this journal. Because now that it's been so long and there's so much to write about, I don't know where to start. One of my 'quirks', I guess you could call it, is that I look too easily at the big picture, as opposed to breaking it up into more manageable, more tolerable steps. I'm feeling like I need to make up for all my lost time on here all at once, and that's quite daunting. I'm trying to talk myself down from it, telling myself, "Just start writing again. Whatever you want. Don't worry about summarizing all the events of the past nine months...just write.

But I do know I want to talk about things that have happened during my absence from the blogosphere as opposed to just setting a new starting point.

First of all, P. The shock of it coming to an end wore off a long time ago, but I'm still very curious to know what was really going through his mind to bring an end to it. Because we were really on a roll! The relationship I was building with him was exactly what I wanted...mature, deep...with a foundation of friendship laid first. We were so good at expressing what was on our minds to each other, and in turn, really listening to each other as well. Right at the beginning, we were so great about not moving too quickly. We discussed it like rational human beings, agreeing on "The Plan." Tee hee...

As you may or may not remember, our friendship turned the corner around mid-January. My birthday was coming up on a Saturday in early March, so he decided he wanted to take me on a weekend trip to a mystery destination. It was a big secret diabolical plan that he worked really, really hard on. It involved tickets. It involved planning activities on Google Earth. (He warned me not to open it on his computer, or all would be spoiled!) He wouldn't even tell me what mode of transportation we would be taking. And I could tell it involved a relatively sizeable dollar amount. He was going to do it up big, and he was having a ball taunting me with it in the days leading up to my birthday!

But that wasn't The Plan. The Plan was that we decided we were going to wait until my birthday trip to...ahem...kick it up a notch, shall I say. And we stuck to it! It certainly wasn't easy, though. But the fact is, we were both in total agreement about it, and that's what was so cool. From the day we made that decision until the time came, he'd send me a text message every morning counting down the number of days. It was quite amusing.

"So Trish, where did he take you???"

I know, I know...I'm getting to that. I came up with all kinds of guesses...NYC, Dallas, California, Boston with a detour to see my mom, etc. But no...we drove over to Chicago! After living up here for the better part of ten years, I'd never been to Chicago. So I was thrilled! And the tickets were for Wicked! He reserved a room in a beautiful hotel, made dinner reservations at the Chicago Chop House (the best steak I've ever had in my life) before the show, found a great little hole-in-the-wall jazz bar for Friday night, etc. It was totally amazing, and I felt like such a queen! Definitely the best birthday I've ever had in my adult years.

Fairy tale, no?

Another way we were so like-minded: our kids. He held my boys in the highest of respect, and asked that when the time comes for him to meet the RK, that I find a babysitter for the IB so the time could be focused on just the RK. He got to pick what we did, and he picked eating at Red Lobster. After that night, the two of them got along great...P would come over after work and have dinner with us, and while I was getting chores done, putting the IB to bed, etc., the two of them would be over here on my laptop shopping for video games on eBay. Or P would help the RK with his homework. There are no words for how things seemed to be going...'perfect' doesn't even seem to do it.

But while I had taken the plunge with bringing him into the lives of my boys, I started to notice that he wasn't so eager to do the same with me and his girls...

...I'll hit on that next time around. As for now, I'm off to beddy-bye.

My heart overflows

Exactly 52 weeks ago today, I had my husband of nine and a half years served with divorce papers.

Thanksgiving 2006 was the first one not spent with him in attendance in ten years, maybe a couple more than that. And it was actually a really nice day. SH was gracious enough to invite the boys and me to her family's festivities at her mom's house for the day. And her mom and dad were indeed just as gracious, if not more so, for welcoming us into their home and including us as family for the day. And really, I have only nice, happy memories of the day, despite the overhanging heartbreak of what I knew had gone on just the day before.

I remember pondering what my life would look like a year from then. And it's hard for me to believe I've arrived at that time! While the envisioned particulars don't match the real ones, I think emotionally and spiritually I'm where I hoped I'd be. I still have my occasional rough days (or weeks), but for the most part, I'm happy, my boys are happy, the emotional paralysis has lifted, and my life, while still somewhat uncertain and far from perfect, is fun.

I'm proud that I've managed to leave that old stifling and limiting comfort zone behind.

I'm proud of all that I've learned in the past year. In so many different subjects.

I'm proud of finding the courage and daringness (and yes, that's a real word...I looked it up) to be proactive in bringing new people into my life, and getting myself back out there into the busy, functional, exciting, rewarding world that had been stolen from me much longer ago than I realized.

I'm proud that my vision has been un-blinded to my potential. And what I really deserve.

I'm free to be me.

Thanks be to God!

...for His unwavering strength. That He so willingly shares.
...for His neverending comfort.
...for His unshakeable, unbreakable, perfect love.
...for His always adequate provision.

Tomorrow, the RK, the IB and I will not be going anywhere. Thanksgiving 2007 is going to be spent here in this house, just the three of us. And while this would normally be very disturbing and depressing to me (and it got the better of me for a while a few days back), I've decided to do what I have to do to make this a special day for this family. I'm cooking the whole shebang. I started preparing dishes last night, and have continued throughout the day today.

My mom's dressing, which is my absolute favorite part of the feast, and it just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without it? Check.

The lime jello/pineapple/cream cheese/chopped pecans dish which my brother dubbed "Green Gunk" before I was even born? Check.

Pecan pie? Check.

The sweet potatoes are baked, and will soon be peeled and mashed into a massive quantity and variety of sugar that somehow can be called a 'casserole.'

And this year, I am once again stepping out of a comfort zone.

Every year of my adult life thus far, I have managed to get myself out of preparing a turkey. But this year, if we're gonna have turkey, it's up to me! And I was pleasantly surprised to find a cute little 9lb. turkey at the grocery store on Sunday! So I've been studying my Betty Cr0cker and Better H0mes and Gardens cookbooks, and I'm jumping in to the world of body cavities, giblets, and all that other turkey stuff.

I had another job interview this afternoon. It was for a 'customer service representative' job with a company I had emailed my resume to sometime last week. Yesterday, I received a call to come in and interview. We scheduled the meeting for 1:00 today, and when she told me where this place was located, I just laughed. I can't remember if I mentioned before how that previous job I interviewed for was only a mile and a half from my house. Well, this company is once again just down the road! So I got a neighbor to watch the boys for a while this afternoon, and went. I was surprised to find three other women already in there filling out the same paperwork I was handed as I entered. As the process went on, I learned that they're interviewing an entire mob for this one position! Oh great. We were told that by sometime next week we'd hear back if they wanted to call us back in for a second interview. She also mentioned they'd be calling only four of us back.

We had the chance to speak with the interviewer on a one-on-one basis, and then with her supervisor after that. And I could tell they both really liked me, and while nothing's a sure thing, I walked out of there feeling pretty encouraged that I could be expecting a phone call next week. And I drove home with the anxiety already starting to well in me, and realized this was going to be there throughout the long holiday weekend.

But the anxiety was quickly squashed around 7:15 this evening, when my phone rang. It was the interviewer, on her cell phone, as she was walking out of the building to her car. She was calling because she was leaving on a business trip in the middle of next week, and...

...wait for it...

...she wanted to go ahead and schedule my second interview!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! YES! YES!

So 11:00 Monday morning, I'll be heading back in!

What an amazing joy this is. Just to know that this girl is appealing as a potential employee. And to have the encouraging thought that maybe my days of total financial dependence are coming to an end. How great it is that I don't have to have that pit of anxiety nagging at me during my holiday.

Tomorrow could easily pass by as just another day on the calendar in this household. But it won't.

Tomorrow, my boys and I are going to Give Thanks.

My secret world of blogging

Wow, in my blogger life, the last couple of days have been quite eventful. For one thing, I'm approaching my 100th post. That deserves a big "WOW!" I really feel like I'm falling into my unique and personal blogging groove, and I hope I'm able to continue to keep it up for a long time.

I am an extremely social creature. I thrive on interaction with others. And all that I've been through has put me in a place of virtual non-interaction. My family is small. I have my mom, who is the only person I'm related to that I keep in touch with on any sort of a regular basis. And I talk to her a few times a week. My dad has passed, my half-brothers were already moved out of the house when I was born, and to add to that, I don't really relate to or agree with their life perspectives and outlooks. There's really not a lot of love lost between us...there's just...nothing. I have an aunt who lives on the Texas Gulf coast, but we're not in frequent touch. And that's about it.

For a decade, I was married to a man with a major anti-social streak. Funny, huh? He managed to keep a close circle of friends something non-existent in our life together. When we finally did meet another family that he could spend a lot of time with and 'let in,' so to speak, he ends up sleeping with the wife and leaving me for her.

His insecurities were contagious, I'll admit, and I went along with this inability to let anyone in, but looking back now, I resisted it, too. I think the end of our marriage had a lot to do with this, actually.

Less than two years ago, we moved. Our neighborhood is one of 'The Starter House.' It's full of young marrieds with young kids. Just perfect for us!

But now, I'm a single mom surrounded by beautiful, happy families. Not exactly the best scenario for creating close friendships. I have some wonderful neighbors, but my situation in life has made it difficult to find my place among them on a regularly social basis. They all know why my garage is only half-full now, but they aren't making much effort to include me in the various neighborhood goings-on. And I don't fault them for that, because I realize this is a touchy situation. How to proceed with a veritable stranger in a situation such as mine is uncharted and choppy waters for most.

So I have turned to the virtual neighborhood that's only found within the millions of pixels and neverending combination of letters and numbers that only exist when I sit down on this love seat and open up this laptop. And it has been my very necessary outlet. Everything that I wish I had someone sitting next to me on my couch to talk about with, I've expunged on here.

And although I've never seen the faces of the recipients of my thoughts and stories (at least not in person), I have made the dearest of friends through this venture of mine. You guys have been walking with me through my stages of change and healing, offering your support, your encouragement, your words of caution, your ear. And I am in awe of the 'leg up' it's given me as I move into this new season of life!

Nobody I know in real life has any idea this blog exists. Not even the RK. This is my own private thing, where I can speak freely about whatever is on my mind. Which means that you guys are all a secret of mine, too...kinda cool, huh?

You guys have no idea how much I love you. Thanks for finding the tales of my life as interesting as I find yours. Thanks for taking the time and putting the thought it takes into making your comments. It's given me a sense of existence during a time in my life where I've felt very invisible and alone!

I actually feel like a bona fide blogger now! My hit counter has been going up, with my daily average steadily increasing all the time.

One recent reason for this last area of growth of my blog, and really the main blogging 'event' I alluded to earlier, is this post by Eric. This note of recognition touched me so deeply. I've been stuck in a way of life with an overall sense of feeling very invisible and unimportant, and this has done so much to show me that I am visible, and what I have to say just might be important! The fact that something I wrote could have such an effect on someone I've never even met, to compel them to devote a big chunk of a post to little ol' me and my little ol' musings, is a huge boost to my self-esteem. Thanks, Eric. :)

To all of you who are reading from the barren and beautiful land of West Texas: I will be back in town. I don't know when, I don't know for how long, but I will come. It is my home, and in the decade I've been gone, I haven't been able to stay away for any longer than 18 months. And when I do come, we are all having supper at a location to be chosen by me. ;-) Get ready! I'll be sure to give you as much advance notice as I can to aid in getting it all figured out.

There are also a couple of my fellow bloggers who are going through some pretty severe difficulties in their lives right now. So severe are these difficulties, they have closed their comments section to their recent posts addressing them. So since I can't offer my own words of encouragement and support on their pages, I'll do it right here. You know who you are. I love you both, and I hope it helps in some small way to know that you are in my thoughts today, and especially my prayers. Blessings!

Did y'all notice that I've been working on my blog's layout? I added a picture to the title bar. Quite appropriate, huh? And what I think is pretty cool about that picture is the fact that I took it!

I'm off to fold laundry, and the Longhorns are kicking off in a few short minutes. Have a wonderful weekend!

I've managed to completely waste this day. I have done absolutely nothing productive. My butt's been parked on the couch. I have been in this funk today that I just can't shake.

I miss my boys. I hate where they are. It torments me.

I'm desperately trying to get rid of the anger I'm harboring towards the IX for the way he has catastrophically messed up my life, and the fact that he doesn't even really seem to care.

I'm just hiding out today. I'm still in the clothes I slept in last night, with no real desire to get cleaned up, even though I know it would make me feel better. I'd love to get out of the house to see and be seen, but not enough to actually do it.

My phone has remained completely inactive today. I realize all my neighbors are new friends, but I just wish there was one out there who would realize that what I need is for them to take the initiative with me. Take that risk...call me up...invite me over...invite me out...whatever. Why is it that all my life, I've always had to be the one to make that move? Am I really that invisible? Or is it just that I've never really had that kind of person cross my path? And if that's the case, why? How could I have had that rotten of luck all this time?

And to top it all off, the Longhorns lost today. It doesn't really surprise me, though...they've been touch-and-go all season. Bah.

That's all.

Finally, I got to publish this post!

I really hate it when I let so, so many days go between blog entries. But this week, I just haven't felt much like doing anything. My living room floor is completely covered with the CD's the IB has pulled out of the shelves, as well as tons and tons of expired grocery flyers.

The boys went with their dad last evening. But it almost came crashing down. As you may or may not know, the IX & I had agreed to him having the kids every weekend for the summer once our divorce papers were signed. But for last weekend, he let me know that he was scheduled to work all weekend and wouldn't be able to take them. OK, fine. So earlier this week, he and I had an email conversation about his plans to take the kids this weekend. Everything was all set. He was even going to keep them an extra night for the holiday. The RK was really excited about that.

And then Thursday, via text messages, this (pay close attention to the time stamps as you go):

IX 10:57 AM: I seriously need to cancel this weekend. After two weeks of no days off, there are too many things I need to take care of on sat. Plus I need the r & r. On sun.

11:03 AM: planning on attending the [Indycar]race [in downtown Detroit]. I can speak to [the RK] about it as well. Please try to keep a good attitude. It will help the kids out. I will simply have them n [Character allotment for texts just ran out, and I didn't get the rest of the message. I'm guessing it said 'next weekend.']

Me 11:13 AM: It’s not my attitude that’s the problem. It’s a shame you want to be a dad when it’s convenient. I could use the r&r as well as time to take care of stuff too.

IX 11:23 AM: fine. I can take them. Sorry to bother you. Forget I said anything.

Me 11:24 AM: oh no, we’re so sorry to bother you!

IX 2:20 PM: will return them early Sunday morning then.

Me 2:22 PM : why can’t you just stick with our agreement? [The RK]’s really excited about the extra day with you.

IX 2:28 PM: want to spend time with them. Problem is I have tickets for the Detroit race. Can you watch them on Sunday? I’ll pick them back up afterwards. Work with me please.

Me 2:30 PM: did you forget about the race earlier this week [when we were emailing], or did you just now get the tix?

IX 2:32 PM: right. Just got them today.

Me 2:34 PM: so you basically are willing to dump on your kids when something better comes up.

IX 2:37 PM: no. I’ll just take them. Won’t go to the race. Thanks for your help.

3:38 PM: Boy, it sure does pay off being honest with you. Thanks for showing me your true colors.

Me 3:46 PM: What colors are they, exactly? Wanting my kids to have at least a halfway decent relationship with their father?

IX 3:52 PM: All I was asking for a little help [sic] on my situation. One more weekend or not even that just a day at minimum. You make it seem like I won’t see them again.

3:55PM: enjoy your weekend. It’s going to be a nice one.

Me 4:00 PM: all I see is you willing to disappoint your kids for your own selfish reasons. We had agreed that you were going to take them, so that means you don’t get to…

4:00 PM: go to the race. End of story…grow up.

IX 4:16PM: Have the utmost confidence in that lessons have learned [sic]. And won’t be repeated. Definitely count on that fact.

Me 4:18 PM: whatever

Oh, this whole thing Thursday sent me into such a tailspin! I was so angry, I was absolutely shaking. It just pisses me off so much to realize how messed up his priorities are.

I can tell by the messages he was sending me that I really pissed him off as well. I mean, I thought the whole thing was settled with my message sent at 11:24. But then three hours later, he starts it all back up again. And then after our next session, once again I thought it was all settled with the 2:37 message. So I can just see him in those in-between times stewing over it.

It's so interesting to think about how our relationship is changing through all this. During our marriage, he never showed anger towards me, rarely disagreed with me, at least over big things, and just kept everything all bottled up inside, leaving me twisting in the wind wondering what the hell was going on inside his head. I so desperately wanted him to get mad at me sometimes. To let me know that I affected him, even if it was in a bad way. Because in my case, even a bad way was better than my having no effect on him at all, which was my reality.

So I'm finally getting what I wanted from him, now that we're divorced. I guess it's better than nothing. I feel that during our marriage, I constantly put his feelings before my own, conceding in so many disagreements, doing what I could to make him happy. Now that he's no longer my husband, his feelings and his happiness no longer matter to me. My children's do. They are numero uno on my list of priorities, so hell yeah I tore into the IX and had absolutely no desire to work with him or facilitate his getting to that race.

Ya know, come to think of it, I guess this goes both ways. I'm telling him what I really think, instead of taking his feelings into consideration like I did while we were married. So now he's letting me see his reactions. Interesting.

So anyway, thinking back on this whole episode, which makes me a little nauseous, to be honest with you, I think about how the whole thing could've been avoided if the IX would've just acted like the 35-year-old parent he is, and when the race tickets became available, had said, "I'd really love to go, but I have my kids this weekend. Maybe next year."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been trying to get this post published since yesterday afternoon, and I finally got the chance to work on it some more! I went through and edited the 'yesterdays' to 'Thursdays,' etc. And now I think it's up-to-date.

The reason I never got to publish was that not too long after the boys had taken off with their dad, I get a phone call from single mom friend #2. This past Sunday, I had tried to call her to let her know that I was still ready to honor our agreement made earlier in the summer about letting her son come spend the days of the last week of summer vacation with us like he did the first week of vacation. I didn't get an answer and left a voice message. And I never heard anything back. So all this week I've had the worrisome suspicion that she's done with me, I'm just too flighty & flaky for her.

So last night, my phone rings, and it's her, profusely apologizing for not calling me back, that when I had actually called, she was at the ER after hurting her ribs. She hadn't even found the message until right before she called. So we start gabbing on the phone, including my profusely apologizing to her as well, and after 45 minutes, she finally says, "What are you doing right now?"

I say, "Nothing." Although I was once again trying to work on my blog post. But really....priorities....

She says, "You just wanna come hang out and have a beer with me in my garage?"

So I dart out the door.

And we have tentatively made plans to go out tonight, if she can find a babysitter for her son. We sincerely need to try to finagle our weekends with our kids so they coincide.

This morning when I woke up, though, I feel like I don't know if I actually want to go out tonight. I have SO MANY things to get done around the house this weekend, and James Blake to watch tonight at the U.S. Open.

• My house is such a complete disaster (thanks to my formidable force of destruction, aka the IB), I must get it cleaned up.
• I must clean the bathrooms. They're funky. It's been entirely too long since I've cleaned them.
• I need to mow. It's been three weeks.
• I still need to clean out the garage and evict or murder about 5749305589 spiders living in it.
• I need to take my plastics & cardboard to the recycle bins.

I really, really, really hate letting my list get this long (yes, that's long for me), but I just don't know where to start. It overwhelms me. I really need to get over that.

On a happy note....

Do you know what today is?

IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!!!

YEEHAW!!!!!

The Longhorns are playing Arkansas St. tonight, which should be a handy rout. I have the possibility of watching it on PPV, but after the last time I tried to watch a Longhorn game on DishNetwork PPV, I vowed never again.

You see, it was a game in the middle of the day, and the PPV PTB allotted exactly three hours for the game. When that three hours was up, the coverage abruptly switched to another game, with most of the 4th quarter in the Longhorn game still left to play.

Now tell me...when was the last time you watched a football game that took three hours or less? I don't think I've ever seen that.

So I get on the phone with the DN people, ranting and raving about how ridiculous it is that we, their customers, would shell out $29.95 for a football game if we couldn't see the end of it. She said that if I look back through my contract, I'll find that there's no guarantee of viewing the entire sporting event purchased.

I'm sorry, but I think that is the absolute WORST policy. Why in the world would we spend that kind of money to watch a football game if we weren't guaranteed to see the end? That has to be the most asinine thing I've ever witnessed in my life!

So anyway, the UT game is tonight at 7:00 PM EDT, with no game scheduled after it. I noticed on the program guide that they allotted 4 1/2 hours for the game, so I think if I decided to drop that big ol' chunk of change to see the game, I'd more than likely get to see the end.

But I ain't gonna. For one thing, it's Arkansas St. For another, I really don't need to be spending money on something as trivial and unessential as this. And thirdly, it's the principle of the thing...despite that little incident last year with DishNetwork, I love my service from them. But if that's their policy regarding PPV sporting events, I ain't gonna give them any more money than I have to! Take that, DishNetwork!

OK...I guess this post is long enough. I've been working on this at the coney island again, and I've been sitting here so long, my computer battery is down to 26%. Today I've been observing a bunch of people decked out in their Maize & Blue, grabbing a big ol' breakfast before going to the the U of Michigan game. I'm so geeked that football season is here again!

It's my party...

We've made it through another week. Friday has once again arrived. And the boys are going with their dad again tonight.

And I'm dreading my weekend.

I have nothing to do, and no one to do it with.

I've more or less isolated myself from my neighbors. I think I've been letting my self-doubt and low self-esteem that have been raring their ugly heads get the better of me. Given that we all don't really know each other all that well, it's hard for me to expose the 'real' side of me. I just don't feel like being very social when I feel like I'm doing such a horrible job at life.

Single mom friend #1 that lives down the street from me has found herself someone from one of those online dating sites, and I haven't talked to her in quite a while. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I have quite vocally expressed my doubt about this new relationship she's in....thing are moving way too fast. And when she talks about this guy, there's no excitement in her voice. Yet within about a month or so of their meeting, she had already given him a key to her house. And I think she knows deep down that what I say is true, but has decided to continue on with it. So that's one factor as to why I don't feel comfortable getting in touch with her; that, and knowing that she's probably already got plans with him, anyway.


I haven't talked to single mom friend #2 in weeks and weeks. We've only spent a little bit of time together, and we just haven't been in contact with each other for most of the summer. So I feel very uneasy about contacting her for fear of being rude and insensitive for wanting her to do something with me when I haven't hardly talked to her this summer. Our sons have had kind of a weird relationship, too...they've had a couple of minor misunderstandings that have made things a bit awkward between the two of them. This last item, though, I think is a bigger deal to me than to the boys themselves.

Wow, reading that last paragraph in print makes it quite apparent how silly I'm being. But when I think about actually calling her up, I only think of her telling me she has her son this weekend, or has other plans, and I have to play it off like it's no big deal. And then when she gets all apologetic, with that twinge of pity in her voice, my pathetic-meter shoots through the roof. But really....come on Trish! Stop it! If that's the worst that could happen, it's worth the risk! Suck it up!

My venting is done. I need to go get that sweet little IB up and fed!

By the way...if anyone from the greater southeast Michigan area is reading this, and wants to do something this weekend, email me...maybe we could meet up somewhere!

Still alive and kickin'

After 45 posts, I guess my motivation and interest in this new blog of mine has finally started to wane somewhat. I just don't feel like sitting down and trying to get my thoughts all organized and put into print. I do want to keep this blog current, however, so forgive me if my posts aren't as thrilling or exciting as they have been. Then again, I guess they haven't been all that great thus far. Just bear with me...

My night out on the town this past Saturday was lots of fun! My neighbor and I started the night at a brand new place in downtown Ann Arbor...it had been open less than a week. It's one of those $8 a drink martini bars, so we only stayed for two drinks. But I must say, the dirty martini I had, listed on the menu as the "Dirty CEO" was the best I've ever had. I thought I was quite witty...she brought our drinks, and I said, "OK, so where's my dirty CEO? Where is he?" Heh. For my second drink, I decided to see what this craze about Mojitos was all about. It was interesting...don't think I'll be ordering it again, though. I kept sucking up little pieces of fresh mint in my straw. That stole a lot of the appeal. Overall, though, the flavor was quite nice and refreshing.

After that, I had an itch to go to what has to be about the only country bar around, and my friend obliged. It was alright. I really wanted to take a two-steppin' spin around the dance floor, but my dance card remained empty. It was quite funny watching the others get out there and try to do it...they just don't get it this far north. And this place is big in line dancing. They'll line dance to Justin Timberlake. Now, I'm not knocking JT, his song "What Goes Around" has been a saving grace for me these last few months, but I don't want to hear him in a place like this. Please...let's stick to King George, Clint, maybe even a little Gretchen.

Nothing much to report for my week thus far. Today the IB had an occupational therapy appointment, and after that, the three of us went for some lunch at Panera Bread, and then on to the grocery store for us. I felt a little guilty because I hadn't taken the time to get my coupons in order, so I paid full price for most things. I did score some good sale items, though.

So exciting....I know.

My boys came home from their weekend with their dad, and the IB learned a new trick! He's now pulling himself up to standing! Whenever he's in his 'cage,' (aka the playpen), he'll get himself pulled up to standing, and he'll peer over of the top of the rail...all I can see are his eyes. Sometimes he'll lean his head back, scrunch up his nose and smile at me. SO PRECIOUS. I can't believe we're just a little more than a month away from him being an entire year old. Just can't believe it.

My new bloggerbuddy, Jimmy Patterson, who's also the online editor at my hometown's newspaper, is once again participating in this year's Blogathon. This is such a great thing. Bloggers from all over the world unite and commit to blogging for 24 hours straight. And it's all for charity. Jimmy, like last year, will be blogging for a wonderful organization in Midland called Midland Fair Havens. When I checked out their website to see what they were all about, I felt compelled to make a pledge. Although I'm not in such dire straits as the women and children the organization helps, I still feel a close connection to them as I too am going through such a difficult and life-altering time. I haven't given charitably in way too long, longer than I'd care to admit, but for this cause, I decided to participate. No, I won't be blogging for an entire 24-hours, but I did make a pledge for Jimmy's efforts...

...and talk about effort! He will be blogging from a cherry picker parked in the local HEB's parking lot. And he has mentioned a slight fear of heights. He has also mentioned searchlights will be in place. I would love to be able to come out and support him in person at 4:16 AM when his eyelids are drooping and head bobbing, but since I can't, I will do my best to follow his progress over this neat little contraption that connects me to the whole world.

May I suggest that anyone reading this click on the Blogathon link and peruse the bloggers and their charities that they will be blogging for. If you find someone who is supporting a cause close to your heart, please make a pledge. And if you don't find your favorite charity listed among those who have signed up, perhaps consider signing up yourself! I think it's such a neat way to raise money for worthy causes, and I'm looking forward to being a small, yet active part of it!

I picked up a new Luanne Rice paperback at the grocery store today, so I think I'll go knock out a few pages before I turn in. Nighty-night, everyone!

The long hot summer

I hate it when this much time gets away from me between posts. I've been coming up with all kinds of things to talk about on here for the last three days, and now I feel like I'd be up all night long typing it all in here. What I can remember of it, anyway. Argh.

One thing I wanted to mention on Sunday afternoon was that amazing, amazing men's final at Wimbledon. Classic! Legendary! I've already mentioned how tennis fans all over the world right now are so blessed to have such a great rivalry for this particular era. And y'all know who I'm talking about: Roger Federer & Rafael Nadal. For the first time, Federer didn't wipe the court with Nadal in a steady, textbook, boring three sets. Nope, it took five. And two of those went into tiebreaks.

I found myself rooting for Federer. And afterwards, in reflection, I realized why. I'm not ready for Nadal to reach that goal yet. This rivalry is still a bit new, and I want the excitement and anticipation to build a little bit more. Let's keep Nadal winning on clay, and Federer winning on grass. It just seems that once one of them gets the upset, the denouement begins, and it just won't be as exciting as before.

This seems to be one of those healthy, friendly, rewarding rivalries. They're each other's toughest competition, always motivating and driving each other to improve their game. Thus, improving the entertainment value for us, the fans. It's so rare that these rivalries are born, and us sorry shmucks who get their jollies from watching the pros play rather than playing ourselves, benefit exorbitantly.

And as for the players themselves, twenty or thirty years from now, they're going to appreciate having had each other to keep driving and pushing the other ever closer to perfection. And they're going to look back on their extraordinary careers, and be thankful. And content.

OK...that's the end of my tennis soapbox soliloquy.

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We've been suffering in 90+ degree weather for the last couple of days, and my poor A/C has been coming on starting before noon. My poor flowers and burning bushes are in sad shape. I gave them a good dose of water and plant food tonight, so hopefully they'll perk back up. And I have no idea where they're coming from, but my house is overrun with flies. They are so nasty. As for me, I'm actually enjoying this heat. It reminds me of home. This would be considered a cold spell this time of year.

We haven't been going to the pool any, though, because the poor RK came home from his weekend with his dad with a horrible sunburn on his back. So he's not exactly in pool mood while his skin is in such pain. Thank God the IB obviously got slathered up with sunscreen. But I'm really quite miffed that the IH wasn't more on top of it with his elder child. And not only that, the IH broke one of the wheels on the IB's stroller. He called me yesterday to let me know that he's ordered a new wheel, and it'll get here in 7-10 days. Thankfully, I knew that SH recently got her two-year-old a new stroller, so she's letting me borrow the old one until the new wheel comes in.

The IH is taking the kids again this weekend, and then we're going to start our alternate weekends routine. I requested this from him because this will coordinate my weekend parenting schedule with that of another neighbor of mine, who has also recently gone through divorce. Her older son has the same name as the RK, and they've become quite good buddies. So this way, they'll be with their moms on the same weekends, and then their moms will both be free on the same weekends to accompany each other to various nightlife establishments. Which I'm so looking forward to. I love to see and be seen, and this past weekend just sitting at home really sucked. I almost decided to go out for a bit by myself, but decided I wasn't exactly in the mood to look quite that vulnerable.

All right, it's approaching 12:30, and I'm gonna cut this off here and go to bed. Nighty-night!

Trudging on

I feel like my summer is wasting away. It just hit me that it is now July. The excited anticipation that comes with June is done and gone.

We haven't even been to the local Dairy Queen yet. That must be remedied soon.

A while back, my neighbor two doors down had a gorgeous deck built and no longer had need for the little wooden steps that had previously been underneath his back door. So he came and knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted them. Of course!

So now we are able to use our back door to get out to the relative expanse of our back yard. With absolutely nothing in it. And I don't have any clue what to put back there to make it useable. I want a deck or patio so bad I can taste it, but definitely don't have the funds to make that happen.

The RK doesn't have much excitement for playing sports. At least with just his parents. I'd love to go throw the baseball with him and his years-old-but-still-brand-new hardly-used mitt, but he poopoos the idea. And the soccer ball. And the football (and yes, his mama could show him how to throw a pretty decent spiral).

We've spent the entire day indoors today. And it was an absolutely perfect day. The evening was gorgeous. I noticed those incredible thunderclouds building to the east, where they're dark and ominous on the bottom, and bright, white-pink and puffyfluffy all the way up to the top. I only stayed briefly to marvel, and did not even summon my children to come and enjoy it with me. That's what I mean when I say the summer is wasting away. I desperately hope and pray that wasn't my last opportunity for the season.

I'm not really in the mood to see and be seen. I had fun at the neighbor's last night, and I'm glad I went, but today, I just want to mope. So maybe that's why I'm sun-deprived today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I survived the 29 or so hours my kids were gone. It's so amazing to me how such small little bodies can fill up a house. It felt strange to only carry my cell phone up to bed with me and no baby monitor. But I have to admit, it felt amazing to sleep in past 10:00 the next morning!

I found out some very interesting information concerning the text exchange I relayed to y'all in my last post. And just like my inital reaction to the texts themselves, I don't really quite know what to make of this.

It was very out of character for the IH to utter such words of encouragement. I mean, throughout this whole ordeal, he has been totally incapable of saying anything...and I mean ANYTHING...nice, uplifting, or encouraging to me. He has expressed on numerous occasions, ever since this affair started, that he would be so happy if I decided to just go away and leave the kids with him. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not embellishing, I'm not misconstruing.

I have never felt so worthless in all my life.

Hence my text to him about having someone else write those texts to me.

So Tuesday night, he comes and picks up the kids, and here I am, left all alone in this big empty house, not knowing what the hell to do with myself.

Soon after the IH drives off (in his less-than-24-hours hold brand new Nissan SUV), SH texts me to see if she can come hang out with me for a bit, and I say sure. We start talking about all this, and she says, "Trish, I have to level with you. I called [the IH] at work today."

After my meltdown the day before, she was pretty freaked, and bless her heart, she felt compelled to intervene on my behalf.

She said she thinks of me as family.

It's two days later, and even thinking about it now dampens my eyes.

The fact that she felt compelled to take this on herself and get involved to such an extent means the absolute world to me. Because I have no one else. No family. All of my neighbors are new friends of mine, and getting to that level of familiarity, intimacy, and willingness to involve oneself is a long, drawn-out, no-guarantees process.

I remember right after we brought the IB home from the NICU, SH came over to meet him. I told her how my mom was planning on cutting her trip short because my step-dad was making it sound like he was about to die with her gone. And I remember crying, saying, "Who do I have to go to the mat for me?" And that was one of the few times I've seen her cry. It's nice to know I have such a dear friend that will go to the mat for me. And I just hope that I'm able to fully express my appreciation and compensate her over the coming days, weeks, years.

Not reciprocate. Just compensate.

OK...that's enough. I've got to stop thinking about it. I don't want to get dragged down again. At least not like Monday. I'm doing much better right now, but still not too motivated. Just don't want to make it any worse. This fragility is driving me crazy. I hate this. Again...what a waste of these days of my life.

So the boys seemed to do just fine at the love shack. I'm glad to get that initial send-off behind me. The IH is taking the kids again for the weekend. Oh Lord...two whole nights without my babies! What a hodgepodge of emotions...excitement for getting to hang up my responsibility for a while, yet the hole that comes with their absence. Not to mention the worry about the atmosphere around there that they're entering into.

Oh, how I loved seeing that precious little toothy grin last night when the IB leaned into my arms!

To end this post on a happy note-
Last night while we were all gathered to watch the fireworks show behind the neighbors' houses across the street, I got to chatting with my next-door neighbor. Here's what he said to me: "You know J's cousin? The one who helped him bring those steps over to your back door? He's got such a crush on you."

I don't really even remember what he looks like, even though I think I might've been introduced to him while walking by one day a few weeks ago. How cool, though. Does my self-image a world of good.

Breathe in, breathe out

I just got the RK tucked into bed, after turning down his request to sleep in my bed tonight. He says he doesn't like being alone. I promised him he could sleep in my bed tomorrow night.

He had been watching Nick, so when I got back downstairs, I decided to turn on the Sirius country radio station on my Dish. And the song playing is "Bring It On Home" by Little Big Town.

You've got someone here
Wants to make it all right
Someone that loves you more
Than life right here
You've got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you
Like the back of my hand
You know I'm gonna do
All that I can right here
Gonna lie with you
Till you fall asleep
When the morning comes
I'm still gonna be right here
Yes, I am
(Ooooooooooooo)
So take your worries and
Just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come
And carry you away

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Oh, bring it on home
Yeah, bring it on home to me
Home to me
Oh, bring it on, bring it on home
to me

You've got someone here wants
To make it all right
Someone that loves you more
Than life right here

This song was on the charts last summer. I remember it's one of the very first songs I bought on iTunes for my brand new iPod.

Last summer was unforgettable. I was living in my very first home. Brand new. My husband was so very distant, always emotionally, and sometimes physically. He was here, then at the hotel. Then here again. Sleeping on the couch, sleeping next to me while I was tortured by his constant infliction of pain, sleeping in a bed miles and miles away.

All while we were expecting the arrival of our second child. I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, so my life was also consumed with finger pokes, insulin injections, and craving the forbidden joy of french fries and Dairy Queen. And always feeling like complete shit that I just wasn't strong enough to give up smoking even though I was harboring a brand new precious little soul in my belly.

I desperately needed a rock. A shoulder. I desperately wanted to be his rock. And this song absolutely reached deep down inside me and touched a nerve that was so fragile and raw, I could hardly listen to it without giving in to the tears that were always at the point of spilling at a second's notice.

I tried to play this song for him and convey to him that that was exactly how I felt about him, but he had no capacity for allowing music to touch his soul. Especially if it touched mine.

And hearing it just now sent me right back to last summer. And reflecting on what all has happened since then.

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I'm so sorry I haven't been back to let y'all know how things went on Thursday. I'm ending one of the most stressful and exhausting weeks of my entire life, and I just didn't have the strength or the energy to try to put it all in print until now. And even now I'm still emotionally exhausted and utterly drained.

I made it to the courthouse on Thursday about 10 minutes 'til 2, and as I reached the top of the stairs, I immediately saw the IH waiting for his attorney to show up. He was wearing a nice polo shirt and khaki slacks, and I thought he looked so handsome. And that damn goatee...

...back when we first started dating, he decided at one point to grow a goatee. And he looked gorgeous. But soon after he got a promotion at work, and he decided to shave it.

And he didn't decide to grow another one until after we'd moved into the house last year. I told him how hot I always thought he looks with it, and he once again decided to shave it off. Now he's had it again for months. And it pisses me off that I have to see him looking so handsome for another woman. I just don't understand...he'll keep it for her, but not for me.

Back to Thursday... I couldn't even look directly at him. I didn't even acknowledge his presence. I just couldn't. And he made no approach to me. We still had some issues to muddle through and come to an agreement over, so I waited for my attorney, and he waited for his. And they did all the talking. We finally settled on the last sticking points (I'm not getting nearly what I wanted for child/spousal support, but it's still enough to put a big hole in his wallet every month.), and then we had to go into the courtroom and state it all into the record. I'm still not acknowledging his presence at this point.

The court reporter swears the IH and me in to tell the whole truth and nothing but, and then my attorney starts asking me all about the terms we've agreed upon. I answer "Yes" or "Correct" to each one as she rattles them off. Except there at the beginning when she gets to the one about no chance of reconciliation being present, I answered, "Apparently not." When she got to the part about his parenting time, it took me a minute to get out the 'yes,' and my voice cracked as I said it.

I had never been in a courtroom before. It was sheer hell. I was so glad to get out of there and away from him. I was so exhausted at this point. But anyway, all that has to happen for this to be done and over with is new papers with the final draft of our agreement drawn up and signed by him, me, and the judge. And the judge said he'd have them signed by July 30.

And then I won't be married anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to try to get the goody bags for the RK's party stuffed that night, but I was done for the day. Couldn't do anything else productive. I was basically in a zombie state for the rest of the day, capitulating to the idea of McDonald's for dinner because I couldn't stand the thought of going into that kitchen to cook something. I put the IB to bed way early, because he didn't have a nap at the neighbor's, and he was exhausted, too. And I certainly wasn't in any state of mind to be a good mommy to such a tiny, precious, needy little soul.

One thing we did, though, was go check out the subdivision's clubhouse where the RK's party was going to be the next night. And there's a pool table in there, so we took off the cover and I taught the RK how to play 9-ball. That was kind of neat. I wish there was some sort of open access to the clubhouse from time to time so that pool table could be enjoyed a little more.

So the next day, I had to watch the girls of the neighbor that watched my boys for me the day before. We have a nice agreement like that, but on this particular day, I really wish I could've found a way out of it, given that I had a party to get ready for all by myself.

And the IH took the day off to spend time with the RK on his birthday. A few days before, I had asked if he could take the IB too, so that way I wouldn't have him to worry about while I got ready for the party, and he said sure. But Friday, he had somehow managed to forget that part. That pissed me off to no end. He took the IB without an argument, though. So then my day went like this:

• Call the pizza place to order pizzas for that night
• Drive to Sam's to pick up cake and ice cream, a veggie tray, industrial-sized bag of salad, and candy for goody bags
• Drive to grocery store for 2-litres of Coke and veggies for aforementioned industrial-sized salad
• Drive to party supply store to pick up balloon bouquets and struggle to get all those damn balloons into the car at the same time without getting them all tangled up together (keep in mind that ice cream is still in the back seat melting away)
• Head straight to clubhouse to get cold stuff in fridge/freezer (I turned the fridge to the coldest setting hoping to get the beer cold faster, but it was still warm by the time the party started. So I stuck it in the freezer. And no, none exploded.)
• I sat down at the kitchen bar and made a list of everything I wanted to bring from the house. Some of the highlights were the ladder (to decorate), knife/cutting board for the salad, the IB's chow chair, boombox, broom/dustpan. And lots of other little things. I had the back of my car totally full by the time I got all this stuff in there.
• So now it's around 4:00. I get to hanging streamers, and banners, and placing the balloon bouquets in different locations (after getting them untangled) to see what looks the best and most festive. I'm pretty on-track. I'm quite proud of myself at this point.
• I really wanted to head back to the house to put on some makeup, but didn't get done until it was about 20 'til 6. Oh well.

And all this time, I'm periodically getting text messages from the IH saying they're stuck in traffic. They had gone to the zoo (the Detroit Zoo, which is closer to where we used to live, rather than the the Toledo Zoo, which is much closer to where we live now. Dumbass.), and were stuck in traffic on the freeway that always gets horribly backed up at quittin' time. Not to mention it's Friday of a holiday weekend. And then they go through a very well-publicized batch of construction on another freeway. So the RK didn't show up to his own party until about 30 minutes after it started.

The IH informed me I had only left one diaper for the IB in his bag, so I asked him if he could run back to the house for me to grab a few. He gets down to the house, and he can't get in (I changed the garage door code and confiscated his remote and housekeys the day he left). So I drive down there and get the diapers myself. He takes this opportunity to ask me if he's supposed to stay for the party or not. I say, "Pssht! No!" I can't believe he'd want to stay, given that everyone in that room thinks he's a lying, cheating, sonofabitch scumbag. Oh, let me add stupid to that list.

The party went great, though. The pizza was on time. The kids had fun playing with the pool table, and swimming. And running around like little banshees. The grown-ups had fun. The RK had fun and got great presents (including 3 Nerf guns, all different. PERFECTION.) I had amazing help with the IB from my wonderful neighbors who wanted to come help my firstborn celebrate his tenth birthday. They basically traded off with him over the course of the night. I even found a strange diaper on him when I got him home that night. I actually kind of missed him by the end of the night...I hadn't hardly seen him at all that whole day!

Two moms ended up staying late into the night while all our kids played, and we drank some more of the beer and chatted. It was great.

The IB was sleeping in his stroller, which was pushed into a dark little corner. He woke up screaming around 11:30, so that's when we all decided to call it a night. I decided to go get my kiddoes in bed and go back up the clubhouse to try to finish cleaning up. The IB was so completely frazzled and exhausted from his schedule being completely thrown out of whack the last two days, he got quite a screaming jag going that a bottle of formula couldn't even soothe. I finally decided to just put him into his bed and let him cry it out. Nothing else was going to work at this point. And by the time I brought the first carload of stuff back to the house, all was quiet. Bless his precious little heart.

I got everything done and all cleaned up at the clubhouse by about 2:00 AM. I had so much pizza leftover. I had tons of that industrial-sized salad leftover. I wondered how many of the 30+ people that showed up actually ate. So now the RK and I are going on a pizza diet.

I still don't have all the crap from the party put away. I left that salad sitting out on my rangetop until this morning, and it looked pretty sad. I'm slowly recovering from the past week of heaven and hell I went through. My house has paid the price as well, and I'm getting to the point I hate it. I desperately want to clean it, but just don't have the physical energy or the motivation to actually get to work on it. And that is the most torturous feeling I think I've ever felt.

So my life has been blessed by the presence of my firstborn for an entire decade now. I've been called "Mommy" for ten whole years. Oh, my life is so rich. So blessed. So amazing.

My Wednesday

I'm finally getting some issues taken care of today. I've already gone through all of the retainer I paid my lawyer when I filed for divorce, so I have a call into her to figure out what she needs to proceed with my case. I also put a call into the homeowner's association about renting our little clubhouse for the RK's birthday party, and started formulating a guest list. Most of the people we want to invite are from the neighborhood, so that's easy.

SH never came over last night, and so far today I haven't gotten any response from the email I sent her. I hope our friendship is able to move past this.

But I must get something off my chest. And this is the best way to do it, so bear with me! It just seems to me that this whole uncomfortable, angst-ridden situation could've been completely avoided if she had just said something to me right there on the spot, instead of storming off without a word of explanation! If she had done so, I would've made my apologies right away, and eagerly sat and listened to whatever it was she wanted to talk about. End of story. And also, I have a feeling that the blog post she made last night she only gave access to me to see it. I can't exactly see her posting something like that for everyone on her friends list to see, so it was just aimed at me. I could be wrong, though. I just wish she understood that she can be more direct with me, instead of dancing around me like this. But on the timeline of life, this friendship is still quite new, and hopefully this is just one of those times when we end up learning a little more about the other and it ultimately strengthens our friendship. Only time will tell...

So I haven't heard from The Guy in a week. I've pretty much written it off. I did, however (and I don't know how smart I was in doing this), send him an email just saying thanks for what he's done for my mood and outlook, and that I can take the hint that he doesn't want to pursue this any further. I said I was disappointed, but that I also realize the odds of anything serious developing were slim to none since I'm lugging around a ton of baggage. I mentioned how he's been sort of my 'guinea pig,' now that I'm entering back into a world I never thought I would. And frankly, that's a lot to ask of someone! So I wished him well, and signed it 'your friend.' It just seemed kinda weird to me to just leave it so open-ended, so I just wanted to put a conclusion to this story. There it is. I have to admit, though, I'm still holding out a little hope that he'll call me saying he's been out of town or something, and that I got it all wrong. Bummer, but no big deal if this doesn't actually happen.

I'm not feeling quite right today. I really hope I'm not getting sick, because I have WAY too much going on right now to not have the energy to get it all taken care of.

I noticed on the calendar that tomorrow is the first day of summer! Yay! One thing I love about Michigan is how the lengthening and shortening of the days is much more exaggerated than in Texas, given we're so much further north. According to the The Weather Channel website for my area, sunset tonight is at 9:16 PM, which as I write this is only one minute away. Which means there will still be quite bit of visible daylight at 10:00. That's so cool. I hate not feeling up to speed today, or else I'd be outside enjoying the late daylight. Argh.

So that's it for me today. I think I'm gonna go to bed early.

Why is it that lessons are always learned the hard way? Ouch!

I haven't heard from SH since our incident. Tonight her son and my son were out playing with some other neighbors, and I was getting the sprinklers going and then feeding the IB his bottle out in the garage while watching them all run around. I watched her house out of the corner of my eye, and noticed she decided to sit out in her garage and read a book. Hmmm....

I've been feeling like total crap for the past two days, wondering if I've lost yet another dear friend in my life. And not being totally sure why. So I sit down at the ol' laptop, and notice that she's posted a new blog on her myspace page. The title is "pain - feeling sorry for myself (just ignore)." She writes in poetry form, with the first word of each line being 'pain is.' This poor woman has so much nasty shit on her plate right now, it's no wonder she's having a bit of a meltdown! So maybe one third to one half way through, is this one:

"pain is needing a shoulder to cry on and that person wanting to argue about everything..."

And then a little bit further:

"pain is having no one to talk to..."

And then fourth from the bottom:

"pain is me that sits here on a computer pouring out my feelings because it's really the only thing that will listen and not talk back..."

My heart just breaks for her right now, and I can't stand the thought that I'm actually the cause of some of it! So I just sent her this email:

"SH, I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry about the other night. I really am. The issue doesn't even concern us enough to get into such a debate.

I had no idea you had more weighing on your mind when you came over. I just thought it was for chit-chat! I am so sorry I couldn't better sense your need and be there for you.

I'm learning my lesson from this. And if you get this email right away, and still feel like you wanna come over tonight, my door is open for you, OK? Even though it's so late, maybe you'll be able to sleep a little better if you stop by for a little while. My porch light is on...

Please forgive my insensitive ways, and know my heart is sharing your burdens!

With love,

Trish"

And right now, at ten 'til midnight, my door is open, my light is on, and I'm hoping and praying I'll hear her walk in any minute.

Man, I feel like shit.

I'll keep y'all updated...

A meme, a dream, and more blowin' off steam

Woohoo! Yeehaw! The Silver Lining's first meme! I've been tagged by my new bloggybuddy Ba Doozie. So here we go...seven interesting facts about me.

1. I have a tattoo of the state flag of Texas on my right ankle. I didn't get it until I was 30 years old, and I had lived out of the state for more than six years. It seems the longer I'm away, the more homesick I get. I'm still very proud of this tattoo, and still very glad I got it. Should I ever decide to get another tattoo, it will be something Texas-related. Perhaps a bluebonnet. Or given that I bleed burnt orange, perhaps something Longhorns-related.
2. I'm very partcular about how I unload the dishwasher. For those items that I have a lot more of than what I can use between dishwashings, the clean items go in the back, or get stacked on the bottom, so the ones that weren't used this particular wash cycle will get used the next time around. It just seems pointless to have eight really cool ginormous polycarbonate cups when I can only use two or three before I run the dishwasher again.
3. Although I live in the capital of American automotive manufacturing, I drive a Honda. And I love it. It's the very first brand new car I've ever bought, and although it's only three years old, it's already paid for. I plan on driving it right into the ground. The domestically-made cars I've had in the past have all had numerous issues, and with the horrible road conditions around southeast Michigan, I believe only a foreign-made vehicle has been designed well enough to stand this kind of abuse for its intended lifespan. I feel bad for not doing more to support the local economy, but as soon as the engineers that work for the Big 3 can design a small SUV that will hold up as well as a Japanese-designed small SUV, I'm sticking with the import. Sorry.
4. I was a bigtime band geek in high school and even college. I joined the band in the seventh grade, and found my niche. I learned so much about setting a high standard of excellence, gaining success through hard work, working together and cooperating for a common goal, and it was some pretty darn good exercise that took care of my P.E. credits through high school. Around the state of Texas, being in band is cool...you get out of a lot of days of school to take some pretty cool trips. I loved band so much, I went to the University of Texas and joined the 350+ member-strong Showband of the Southwest. That was pretty cool. I'm hoping I can get the RK to follow in my bandgeeky ways.
5. Let's see....three more...oh, I have one. My mother was 47 years old when she gave birth to me. Yup. That's right. I have two half-brothers who were already in their twenties when I was born, and I even have a niece that's older than me. Unfortunately, though, I'm not really close with either of my brothers, given that I didn't grow up in the same household with them. But my mom rocks. She's fast approaching her 82nd birthday, is still in relatively good health, and she and I are closer now than we ever were. Love ya, Mom! (I'm giving her a shout-out here even though she has no idea this blog exists.)
6. I hate cleaning house, but I'm getting better at it. In a twisted way, this directly relates to Interesting Thing About Me #5. My mom always wanted a little girl after having two boys, and she finally got her 22 years after her second boy was born! So I grew up a princess. I didn't receive very much discipline growing up, because as it turns out, my will was often a lot stronger than my mom's. So I'd get everything done for me after being able to dig in my heels and hold out longer in our continous staring contest of life. So now I'm having to kick my own ass and I'm finally learning how to take responsibility for my own domain. And I'm also now using my strong will to make sure my sons don't grow up like I did.
7. I'm a huge fan of the Looney Tunes cartoons that Warner Bros. produced through the majority of the 20th century. My favorites are the ones from the 50's, when Chuck Jones was in his prime. I've always loved Looney Tunes, but as I grew up, I appreciated them even more, because I began to realize that they were created by grown men. I own the four-disc Golden Collection on DVD. "Rabbit season!" "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" "Duck season!" Hee hee...gotta love it.

So there ya go, Ba Doozie! Thanks! That was fun!

I had a weird dream this morning before I got up. I dreamed I was at a pool at some sort of athletic center somewhere in Texas. I was practicing my diving skills off the 3M board (which in reality, I'm terrified of the 3M board). I remember coming up from a dive, looking over at the edge of the pool, and seeing my boyfriend from college. I had to do a double-take to make sure it was really him, since I haven't seen him in more than ten years. He saw me too, and we started talking. His wife was there with him, and just as I always thought, she's a mousy, insecure, mom-type, and when she sees us talking, she gets pretty upset, even though at this point she has no idea who I am. So CB (College Boyfriend) ditches the wife somehow, and he and I start in on pretty deep conversation. His side of it basically has to do with how his marriage is a mistake, and how seeing me makes him want to try to revisit our relationship. We spend the better part of the day together getting reacquainted after all these years, and reviving our attraction for each other.

I learn about why he's there at this athletic facility. And this is funny. It turns out there's going to be a big pool party there later that day, and he's been hired to set up the music system. The company he happens to work for specializes in sound systems acoustically designed for areas with swimming pools. Crazy, I know.

That's really all I remember of the dream, except that we did hold hands from time to time throughout the day, and I could practically feel electricity flowing between our fingers. It seems to me that the only time I've ever felt this kind of mutual attraction has been in my dreams and never real life. In fact, I've started to wonder if anything of this level is actually possible in real life.

OK, so now I'll fill y'all in on the real side of CB. He was in Longhorn Band, and that's how we met. We dated for almost two years, and when we broke up, it was a mutual decision between us that we would be much better off as friends. So basically, how it went was we decided to break up, we both cried a little, then decided to go get some lunch. We started seeing other people, and here's why I dreamed of his wife like I did. His first girlfriend after we broke up HATED me. She was so intimidated by me and the friendship CB & I continued to have. But CB wouldn't let her come between our friendship, which I think only hurt their relationship. The amount of time they dated could be measured in years, though. She just couldn't get it through her head that I was absolutely no threat to her or her relationship with CB. Now don't get me wrong - I totally understand why she had this type of issue initially, but it just seems that over time, she'd start to understand the nature of my recently-revised relationship with her boyfriend.

So after I left college and moved back home, we kept in touch, and even after I met the IH, we actually took a weekend trip to Austin and stayed with CB & his roommate. And it worked out great. IH & I basically did our own thing the whole time we were there, and the IH saw that what I said about my relationship with CB was true. Nope, no threats there. Unfortunately, I don't think he ever really saw it that way, though.

CB and I continued to keep in touch even after I moved to Indianapolis with IH. CB was still dating the same girl that hated me, and I remember getting phone calls in the middle of the night a few times when they were having some problems. They eventually broke up, and the last communication I received from him was a wedding invitation right after we had moved to Michigan. To another girl, of course. And I didn't recognize the name. I continued to send him birthday and Christmas cards with never receiving any response. We even emailed some the last year or so of our contact, but his address was on the UT servers, and after he graduated, he had to forfeit his account. I never found out a new email address for him after that.

Over the years, I've always been so curious what has gone on with him, and have tried multiple times to get in touch with him again. Luckily, he has an unusual last name, so Google actually turned up some clues. One thing that was really funny about his profession in my dream was that he's not anywhere near inclined in the sound/electronics industry. He got his degree in botany. He loves plants, trees, etc. And I learned a lot about botany from him. Anyhoo, my Google hits included a couple of pages from a website talking about certain plants that had his name on the credits. I also hit on his Amazon.com wishlist, which included a potty training book for little girls. So from that I gathered that he was indeed working in the botany industry, and that he had a daughter. Cool.

He grew up in an area of Texas that was hit hard by hurricane Wilma (or was it Rita? The second one that hit the gulf coast not too long after Katrina, anyway) a couple of years ago, so this got me thinking about him and hoping his family were all OK after the devastation. He was named after his father, so another site I came across on my Google search was a high school reunion site for his dad. This included an email directory, so I tried sending an email to his dad. Never got a response. I think that might be the last time I tried to get back in contact.

And now that I had this dream, it's gotten my curiosity peaked again. I so want to hear what he's been doing the last decade of our lives. But now especially with what I've been going through, it might not be very appropriate to try again. Another Google search couldn't hurt, though.

This post has taken me way too long, so that is all. For now.

Can't wait for this day to end

What a long, slow, agonizing day. Today I fell into one of those funks where I'm very lethargic, very unmotivated. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to sit around wasting time, but I don't have enough motivation to do anything productive, either. The RK and IB fall victim to these states I get in, too. Not only did I not know what to do with myself, but I don't know what to do with the IB, either. Poor kid...his day was very dull and unstimulating too, and he let me know it. The RK is good at entertaining himself, but I always feel like it's my responsibility to provide him some sort of stimulation while he's home all day over the summer. Besides video games and TV. Well, we did get started on his over-the-summer school review packets this morning. I guess that's something.

I'm a lot more upset over yesterday's incident with SH than I want to be. My mind just takes off trying to figure out what in the world could've caused this to happen. Am I really that hard to tolerate? Am I so imposing in a conversation that I drive everyone crazy? And why is it that I can't find people that have the strength of character to talk to me about issues they have with me, instead of just walking away all of a sudden without any indication why?

Knowing how she talks about other people to me, I can only imagine what she's saying about me to other people right now. I just wish she would have the balls to talk to me about this face-to-face. How long is this going to go on? Does this mean the end of yet another friendship in my life? What the hell is wrong with me that I do this to people?

Such a lonely night...

Huh?

A very bizarre thing just happened a little while ago out in my garage. Given that this is the first time anything like this has happened, I don't quite know what to make of it.

First, the backstory: We have another neighbor that lives down the block who has a really awesome swingset in her backyard. Last night we were all hanging out, and the topic got around to how her next door neighbor lets her kids play on their swingset without asking first, and often when they're not even around. This brings up all kinds of liability issues, and she doesn't know exactly how to handle this. We've made suggestions about diplomatically asking this woman to not let her kids play on it without them being around, but she's so afraid of starting something that will make it even more intolerable to live next to these people. Another suggestion of posting a "Play at your own risk" sign was made. We even have a neighborhood blog, and I think it would be a great idea for her to post something on there about this issue....again, very diplomatically. But she just doesn't want to come across as being the neighborhood bitch for raising such an issue. Frankly, I'd rather be known as the bitch than to let this go and find myself being slapped with a big ol' lawsuit over it someday.

OK...so this evening, SH comes over to chat for a little while in my garage. We start out with pretty mundane stuff...watering, cleaning, blah, blah, blah. Then I made the big mistake of bringing up this issue that I just described. We get into a debate. She doesn't think posting on the blog would be a good idea, because she thinks that would indeed make our friend into the neighborhood bitch, and I just don't agree. She said something to the nature of because she has a swingset, it would make her look bad to be the one to post. So then I asked why anyone who doesn't own a swingset would have a reason to post about this? That just didn't make any sense to me. And it's about at this point that she abruptly stands up, says she's gotta go, and starts walking home. I asked her if she was mad, she said no, she wasn't mad, and as she kept walking, I muttered some sort of apology to her. And that's how it ends.

Now SH has a very strong personality, and definitely has strong opinions. I'm the same way, but I totally respect others' differences from my own opinion. I don't 'argue' per se about issues I disagree with; I just state what I believe, why I believe it, and then attentively give the other person the chance to do the same. So far, I think I've done pretty good at getting into mature, level-headed debates with SH over the things we disagree on. And I've enjoyed it. She has never reacted like this before, and I wonder if it's something that's been festering inside her for a while when it comes to talking with me.

And I actually thought it was quite rude of her to just get up and walk off. Why couldn't she have just asked to change the subject? What's so hard about that? I feel like shit now, because I'm so afraid she's been getting to the point she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore.

I have been offering my advice to her as she's been having marital issues over the past weeks and months, but I guess she just doesn't like what I have to say. We have very different views on marriage. Even after all I've been through, I still honestly believe with all my heart that true happiness can be had between a husband and a wife, if both are willing to do whatever it takes to find it. She doesn't think this is attainable. She believes that the differences between her and her husband will always come in the way of the two of them being sincerely happy together. She doesn't believe in romance. Her view on the whole thing is very cynical, and in my humble opinion, she's dooming herself to never finding genuine happiness in her marriage as long as she feels this way. And I think she and I also have very different ideas of what the definition of 'happiness' is. With her definition, she's really selling herself short.

I'm so sad for her, really. And I hope she understands that whatever I say to her, I say out of love, and that even if she decides to leave my advice sitting on the table, that's fine with me. But watching them go through these very serious issues really hurts me, because I've grown to care so much for her.

The more I look back on the last couple of weeks or so, she has been keeping her distance a little more than usual. I'm so worried now.

I'll let y'all know how this turns out.

Blahby blahby blah...

I have so much I need to do today. I'm gonna try to get the upstairs bathrooms tackled. They're funky. Nasty. Totally gross. Gag me with a spoon.

I still haven't gotten out onto the lawn to get it fertilized and watered yet, either. I took the weedwhacker out and 'cut' the grass that actually has been growing, and I think the proper term for that is 'hack job.' Pretty bad. But, I think it really looks better than it did.

When the IB and I got home from walking the RK to the bus stop this morning, I noticed that my right front tire is completely, totally flat. It's a good thing I don't really have anywhere to go today...I'll figure out how to get the spare on it sometime today. (Ya know, that's one thing I love about my car. I drive a 2004 Honda CR-V, which means I have a full-sized spare that rides on the back. No puny little donut.)

So SH called me yesterday morning as the IB and I were leaving his occupational therapy session. She had had an appointment to get her cast removed from her arm to X-Ray it and see how it has been healing. (Remind me to tell you about how that happened.) She said that it hasn't been healing, and she was really bummed. Pissed. Irate. She said she was going to take the rest of the day off, needed a little retail therapy, did I want to come. I said sure, even though I was so totally exhausted from the holiday weekend. So we shlepped up to the outlet mall for the afternoon, and I spent around $200 on clothes for the kids, mostly. A little for me. I need shorts, desperately. This divorce has caused me to shrink down three sizes from what I was before I got pregnant, so all the clothes I have are WAY too big for me. So now I'm trying to create a new wardrobe for my much smaller body.

I'd have to say that this is the coolest thing about this divorce. I love being a size 4. I hope I can keep it this way.

I also got an outfit to wear to a wedding reception this Friday night. SH's old friend from high school is getting married, and while we can't go to the wedding itself, we're gonna go party like it's 1999. Her hubby flat-out said he didn't want to go the day the invitation came in the mail, so SH and I have been planning on me being her date for quite a while! I'm excited...it should be a lot of fun. SH says it's gonna be a trailer park reunion. It should be entertaining, if nothing else.

I asked the IH to come babysit for me Friday. I'm very apprehensive about this. I don't trust him. He's demonstrated that he has absolutely no respect for me, even as the mother of his children. I don't feel very comfortable leaving him alone in the house. I wouldn't put it past him to snoop through all my stuff, or even after I'm gone, invite her over. I'm gonna make sure my neighbors keep an eye on the house while I'm gone. I can't stand the thought of her even setting foot in this house.

OK...I need to get off this contraption and go do something productive. Like clean the bathrooms. And get my bank accounts and credit cards reconciled. After yesterday, I need to figure out where I am on my balances and stuff.

Ouch. I don't wanna know.

Can you hold it down? Mommy's head hurts.

Oh my gosh, what a weekend! I'm so tired, I can hardly see straight. My body might be feeling the big hurt, but my soul has been refreshed.

The RK had a great time with his Cub Scout den on the submarine. He made it back around 1:00 on Saturday, just in time for us to go over to my best neighbor's house for her daughter's 2nd birthday party. They even rented an inflatable jumpy-house and set it up in the back yard. After the obligatory aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents left, it was just a handful of neighbors left over, and then the party really started. The beer started flowing, and the blender was blending with pina coladas, and we all sat out in the back yard with our chairs in a circle until at least midnight!

My neighbor has been so amazing to me. She has been through a nasty & painful divorce, and has truly become one of my dearest friends this past year. She has been a wonderful source of knowledge, advice, encouragement, and support. She lives diagonally across the street, and one thing I've always hated is that in the evenings, we're both at home alone with our kids. Her husband works nights, so it's like we're both single moms. That makes it really hard for us to spend any decent amount of time together...

We saved very few things from the RK's babyhood, but one thing we managed to hang on to was his old baby monitor. And I've been using it with the IB. Now I'm not a paranoid, hovering, smothering type mom. I don't really have an issue with leaving my baby at home in bed while I go visit with the neighbors. A week or so ago, I decided to see if this antiquated baby monitor would work across the street. And it didn't. In fact, I was picking up my neighbor's daughter's monitor! So I went back home, very bummed. So I decided that I was finally going to retire this monitor and buy a new one. I found one at Target that said it was digital (more secure - less potential from other monitors being able to eavesdrop), had fourteen different channels, and had an 'out of range' indicator on it. So that way I would know for sure if I wasn't able to hear the IB wake up. It said it has a 900ft. range, and I was a little nervous about that. But when the IB's bedtime rolled around, I took him back across the street, put him to bed just like any other night, and took the baby monitor back over there. And praise the Lord, it works!

So my point was that now maybe SH and I can spend more time together in the evenings after our kids are in bed! I don't have a single issue with leaving the RK over here in bed alone...he's a very responsible, mature child. And sometimes what we do is use our little walkie-talkies whenever he doesn't want to come over there with me. But now I feel so good knowing that I will know if the IB needs me while I'm over there.

I had so much fun last night, though. This is such a dream come true for me...hanging out with my awesome neighbors on gorgeous spring evenings in this beautiful neighborhood in which I actually own a house! That is going to take me a while to get used to...hopefully we'll be here long enough so that I can. I'm so terrified of not being able to stay here and having to sell.

One thought that entered my mind throughout the course of the evening was 'Look at what my IH is missing out on.' Ever since we moved to Michigan eight years ago, I have listened to him gripe, complain, moan and wail about how badly he wanted a house. And I quote, "I would just be happy if we had a house." I wonder how many times I heard him express that over the years. And his reasons were so wrong. We were the only people we knew that didn't own a house, and he was ashamed of that. He never wanted to invite anyone over. I tried to convince him that we were pretty lucky to have that crappy apartment...after all, it kept us warm, dry, and safe. But he just has no clue how to count his blessings, while still wanting and striving for better. It's really quite sad. So he got his house...and now he's chosen not to live in it! Wow...he must really hate me. And I didn't even do anything wrong. Well, I know I have my issues to work on when it comes to this marriage, but the amount of fault in this whole ugly mess is definitely on his side of the coin.

So anyway, I've been really dragging ass today. I just can't bounce back from nights like last night like I used to. I got quite a bit done today, to my surprise. I got most of the laundry done, and got the kitchen cleaned up. I had been planning on planting my burning bushes and hostas that I bought on Friday afternoon, but given that I have no clue what I'm doing when it comes to gardening/landscaping, the thought of venturing into that new frontier with a hangover was more than I could handle today. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous this week, so maybe I'll wheel the IB's playpen out onto the lawn while the RK is at school, and I'll try to get my thumb to turn green.