Caution: Nuclear meltdown imminent

Boy, I'm really wishing right now I had nothing else to do but loll around the house and watch tennis. England's best hope for a Wimbledon title (and really, he's not anymore, but the fans still love him), Tim Henman, is battling back from losing his first two sets in tiebreaks. He's won the third set, and is way ahead in the fourth. I love tennis. This one's heading to a fifth set, and I can't sit and watch it! DAMMIT!

I hate having the weight of the world on my shoulders. Summer's supposed to be for no worries, lazy days, the only priority being what time to head to the pool. Instead, I'm freaking out about my divorce, my kids' wellbeing in the mess of it, and worrying about what's going to happen in the future.

Curse that man.

I did get a big piece of good news this morning when the guy from the property management company called me, and when I asked him if I could get into the clubhouse tonight to start decorating and setting up, he said sure, after the sales office closes. Yippee!!! That's huge for me...frees up a lot of my day tomorrow before the party.

I so shouldn't be sitting here. I've got so many other things to do before this conference. Like shower. I stink. Or as I would say to the IB, "I'm tinky!" And I need to go get the IB's diaper bag stocked and ready to go.

Off I go...

Convoy in my back yard

Another night. My precious babies are all tucked into their cozy beddy-byes...well, they're not tucked in, because it's so damn hot up there they're sleeping under no covers. Can't open the windows because our house is right next to a major road. And due to construction down the road at our interstate on/off ramps, where there are also three, yes count 'em THREE truck stops, those big rigs are now making their detours at all hours of the night right under my babies' windows. Damn jake brakes...

The truck stop thing is actually kinda nice. The gas there is usually $0.20/gal. cheaper than anywhere else. No kidding. Dealing with all the truck traffic is worth it in my book. Right now with all this construction, though, I'm about to go insane.

And I want to know who the brilliant shmuck is who timed this construction to be before they fixed the bridge that's been out on the road that's the best way for us to get to town, and the only logical detour for people that live right around here! Tell me, please, so I can go egg his house! It might take me a little longer, though, because I have to take the freakin' scenic route.

Let me clarify that a little bit. A bridge crossing a little creek on the best road for us to get north of here has been torn down, and the road has been a dead end for about the past year until the county can come up with the money to build a new one. We hardly got to use it after we moved in. So there is another road about 1 1/2 miles away that is a pretty decent alternative, at least distance-wise. It's really no longer than taking the now dead-end road. But the only disadvantage is that's where the highway interchange is, and those aforementioned truck stops. And yes, many, many eighteen wheelers.

So we're getting a brand new shiny interchange to get on and off the freeway with. And while they are making this 'improvement to your highways for your convenience,' this road is now down to two piddly little lanes, which us regular folk must share with these monstrosities of vehicles. What would normally take me about ten minutes under normal conditions (well, maybe close to five minutes if that bridge wasn't still out) took me about 20-25 minutes today, and we were excruciatingly late to the IB's physical therapy appointment today.

HEY!!! WAKE UP!!!

Sorry...I noticed you had dozed off there. This post may be quite dry, but it's rude to snore while reading a blog. Yo mama would be ashamed!

so....

...anyway...

Tomorrow's my settlement conference with the judge. And the IH. This should be interesting. While I'm dreading it like a bikini wax, mostly I'm just pissed I have to deal with it tomorrow when I'm trying to get ready to throw a birthday party for my firstborn the very next day.

I don't even have anything nice to wear to it. I have the outfit I bought for the wedding reception, but it's sleeveless. I think I'm just gonna wear the black pants from it with a white long-sleeved button-down shirt. The shirt's from before my massive weight loss, and is probably 2-3 sizes too big. I figure I can get away with it, though. I really don't care, anyway. It's not like I've had the time to even think about going shopping. And what does it really matter, anyway? How I'm dressed will have absolutely no bearing on tomorrow's events. I might as well just go in a tank top and shorts. At least I'd physically be comfortable.

I don't want to go to that courthouse tomorrow. If there was ever a time I wish I could clone myself, this is it.

I still have a little bit of stuff to do to get ready for the party. Most of the stuff is bought, but there's still a few more things I need. Hopefully tomorrow after this stupid hearing thing, I'll have the chance to run get the RK a birthday present. That's the hardest thing, given that he's always with me. So while he's at the neighor's tomorrow would be the perfect chance.

OK, I'm tired. That's it.

My version of Tuesday

One little bit of more depressing divorce shit, and then I'll move on. I'm still tied up in knots about this whole parenting time thing. For my kids' sakes, I hope the IH is right, and I'm wrong. I'm dreading this settlement hearing on Thursday, and I have a feeling I'll be sitting out in front of the courthouse puffing away on my little cancer sticks as long as I possibly can before having to go in.

I absolutely hate that man for what he's done to this family.

OK, that's all. At least for this post.

I miss my beautiful lawn of last year. Brand new sod looks so good, and now that it's a year old, I'm having the worst time getting it nice and green and lush. One thing I am glad about is that we had a second water meter installed last year, so we're not paying for sewage for the water we use outside of the house. But getting out to water is often very time-consuming. Getting those little sprinklers placed and aimed right can be a pain in the ass. I watered some last night, and I'm gonna try to go douse the yard again tonight. The lawnmower needs to be fired up again as well.

Yeehaw! Wimbledon has started! Or to really embrace the culture, "Jolly good!" So for the next two weeks, my TV will have nothing but glorious grass court tennis on it. Much to the RK's dismay. Eh...he's got the TV in the loft. Tennis just doesn't seem to be as exciting now that Andre Agassi's gone. Heck, I'm still missing Pete Sampras. I'll still watch though, and keep hoping the US will have a couple of their up-and-coming players fill these men's ginormous tennis shoes.

Wow, the IB's taking a good nap today! It's almost 4:00 right now, and he's been down since around 1:00. Well, I guess our little foray to the pool this morning can explain that. Man, that water felt so good. We're heading out again in a little while to get more stuff for the birthday party. (I say "again" because we went out yesterday and hit the dollar store and the party supply store to get a jump on the supplies.) Gotta hit Sam's, 'cuz the IB is almost out of formula. Then might go scope out the GFS to get an idea of what kind of munchies to have at the party. I've never been in there, and I hear it's wonderful.

Speaking of the IB...he has a new trick! He waves. Just his four little fingers, on both hands. I'll tell him to wave, and he waves both hands! SO PRECIOUS! And he finally started crawling, and is into everything. I can't keep my CD's stacked in the shelf anymore...he loves pulling them out. And suppertime is always fun...I have to use two spoons. One for me and one for him. Sometimes two for him and none for me. Food very often winds up in his hair and other interesting places. He is such a happy kid, though. He adds so much joy to this house, and I'm so glad he's here.

Uh oh...sounds like he's awake! I can hear him kicking the rails of his crib through the ceiling. Sweet thing...

The word 'desperation' just doesn't cover it

I hate it when I come up with all kinds of brilliant and profound things to say when I'm not sitting at my computer.

And frankly, I'm horrible at fully expressing these thoughts and emotions into the written word.

Music is such a big part of this for me.

I have my iPod on right now, at the moment listening to a little Stevie Ray. RIP.

I feel like I'm coming out of my emotional funk that consumed the past week of my life. And what a waste. I would've much rather been doing more joyful things.

I desperately need feedback from my dutiful readers. And thanks for reading and offering your comments, by the way. I'm so grateful.

I conceded this past week about letting my husband have his every-other-weekend parenting time with her. I had it put in my counter-proposal that the IH is allowed to have his parenting time around her, but if any emotional distress should become apparent, the arrangement will be revisted and the RK will get counseling.

Am I caving? Or am I being realistic?

This past weekend was horrible for me.

The IH informed me that she (and frankly, she doesn't even deserve the trouble I go through to put any reference to her in italics) thinks he needs to stand up for himself, and that his boys should be allowed to spend time with her and her kids. Like a perfect little family.

Excuse me while I puke.

Why is it that I've been hearing of all these other divorce cases where it's stipulated that the non-custodial parent is to not spend their parenting time with any sort of 'significant other'? So why must I forfeit this because my husband decided to shack up with this significant other? And not to mention the fact that this sig. other used to be a big part of my son's life, given that her son and my son were the best of friends?

Am I caving? Or should I stick to my guns?

The IH is not disputing who's going to be the custodial parent: me. The whole reason I'm fighting for this is for my children's wellbeing. But is it really that big of a risk, or am I just not seeing clearly through the fog of emotion I'm in? I mean, can that much emotional harm really come to the RK from 2 out of every 14 days? He's really excited about getting to be with his 'best friend' again. And I asked him to please let me know if there's any weird feelings or other issues he comes across once this whole routine starts.

But this raises another thought: if this is the way it's gonna be, the RK needs to understand that that is the only time he'll be able to spend with this friend. Every other weekend. No more. Just his weekends with his dad. Period.

Oh Lord, that just raises a whole other mess for me.

I don't know what to do!

Desperation.

The IH is completely oblivious to anything that resembles reality, especially if it's coming out of this mouth in particular. Do I take this chance, and take the risk that it's going to harm my sweet little boy's delicate emotional psyche? Or do I bust my ass to fight this? Is it a legitimate fight in the first place? Or am I just blinded and skewed by the overpowering emotions I'm consumed with?

Financially, I'm already in the hole with my lawyer, and this would just make it much worse. But I love my kids with the fiercest of passions, and if this is something I should fight for, I'll find a way. The method eludes me at this point, but I'll do it if I should.

Please take a moment...I need some good detached, objective advice. Please offer me your thoughts and suggestions, and I'll be praying for clarity of mind and open eyes to weigh it all appropriately.

Damn it...this post turned out to be nothing like I thought it would. Or had intended. I wish I could just telepathically think my thoughts onto this blog. Hopefully I'll have the opportunity to put some of those mind-blowing epiphanies on here some other time.

Thanks in advance...I love y'all!

The light at the end of the tunnel

Sorry for the downer posts lately. I don't like writing them, but I'm very thankful for this outlet when these thoughts and feelings do get the better of me. And this past week was one of those times, I'm afraid.

Since the IH moved out, I've had quite a few periods of time where my emotions have gotten the better of me and have completely paralyzed me like this. One time back in January, I even had to call my mom to come stay with me, if for nothing else but to break up the sad monotony around here. And God bless her, she did.

I've been doing so good here for such a good long stretch of time, but I guess the settlement hearing coming up next week is making me all too aware of the fact that I am about to be divorced. And that just makes me so sad. The reality of it all just hit me all of a sudden, and there wasn't much I could do about it. Hopefully I'll remain true to form as in the past, and I'll snap out of it quickly and painlessly.

I did get to the point yesterday where I called the IH and chewed him out again. Well, not so much chewing out as trying to appeal to his tiny, hard, crusty, buried soul concerning this whole parenting time thing. And he's making it plenty evident that he is not, and has never been willing to make the kind of sacrifices for anyone who cares about him and is willing to sacrifice for him. While we were talking, he kept bringing up the point that we just grew apart, and he just doesn't think it's anything that can be overcome. So I told him that the reason we grew apart is because through the years, I grew and he didn't. When he has questions about the intangibles of life, he asks them, but then if he doesn't get answers he understands or likes, he'll just make up his own version of reality.

For example: A past conversation I've had with IH.

Me: "Love isn't easy. You aren't going to find a person in this world who thinks like you, does things like you or agrees with everything you think. But when you meet someone who grows to love you and you grow to love them, it is hard work to learn how to live together without sacrficing either of y'all's happiness. But it can be done."

IH: "You mean love is hard work?"

Me: "Yep."

IH: "Well, it shouldn't be."

It's really quite sad. See how he just created his own version of reality? ...sigh...

Over the years, I desperately tried to bring him along on my journey of growth (which is far from over, believe me), but he has always been too afraid to look at what might be hidden deeper than his skin. And he's never been able to put his faith and trust in another person to bare his soul to them.

That right there is why we grew apart.

But really, how can anyone expect him to bare his soul to them when he can't even bare it to himself?

I hope the ho-bag realizes this before it's too late for her. And the IH has said in the past that he knows that before too long she's going to be wanting a lot of the same things from him that I've wanted all these years.

The IH did acknowledge through the course of the conversation that he really doesn't have any business being married to anybody. I hope he really takes that to heart.

I'm desperately trying to keep the high road in all this, because my kids are watching what I do and how I handle this. But the IH is totally convinced that I'm trying to stick it to him where it hurts. I've never ever played dirty, throughout or marriage or this divorce. But I guess that's one way for him to rationalize all this away.

Our conversation went on for well over an hour, and I'll spare you any more of the pathetic details. Anyway, he's coming over today to spend time with the kids, and I shudder at the thought of having to be around him. I'll do it for those precious babies, though.

Well, the RK is asking for some breakfast, so I'll end y'all's misery right here. Again...thanks to all of you who have been offering your thoughts, advice and concern. It does my heart a world of good!

Give me a minute...or ten...

So far today has been one of those utterly lazy, disgustingly unproductive sorts of days. Well, I take that back. It has been somewhat productive, in that I started off the day by getting a phone call from my lawyer to go over the IH's latest response to my terms of the divorce. That took about 40 minutes. Fun. What a great way to start off the day!

I asked her about the reality of my request to keep him from spending any of his parenting time with her, and she said it doesn't look good. So we came up with this concession: Should the RK show any signs of emotional distress during his time with his dad and sig. other, the terms of the arrangement will be revisited and counseling sought. But I just can't bear to think of when the time comes that the RK and the IB have their bags packed, waiting by the door, and I have to let them go off with their dad for that first weekend. I have a feeling I'll be a total basket case that weekend. And I'll definitely be praying for their emotional protection the whole time! (Shudder...I can't stand the thought of that woman anywhere near my baby.)

So anyway, after I got off the phone with my lawyer, I started to realize I'm still not feeling all that great. My lower back really hurts, but not from an orthopedic standpoint...more like it's my kidneys or something. I don't have a whole lot of energy, and there's something not quite right with my lower digestive system. I'm feeling better right now than I was earlier today, but I'm still moving quite slowly. I really need to get to the grocery store, and I'm hoping I'll continue my improvement so perhaps the three of us can head out a little bit later. (The IB got all excited when I was looking through the grocery ads and let him know that Cheerios are on sale this week at Meijer! SCORE!)

I just put the IB down for a nap, and I think I'll take this opportunity to do the same.

Untitled

I'm upstairs in bed, not really ready to go to sleep, but still not feeling quite right. The RK is downstairs with his pillow and his 'buddies' on the couch watching a movie. He is so precious. I am so proud of him. I hate what his father has done to this beautiful boy's life. And I'm so worried about his future.

I have my DVR set to record all the new episodes of a show on the A&E network called Intervention. I came upstairs and found a recent episode in my list of shows on the DVR, so I decided to watch it.

This show is so disturbing. The subjects agree to participate in a documentary about addiction, and let the cameras follow them as they go through their day. This includes filming the subjects using drugs, drinking, binging & purging, whatever the acts of their particular addiction are. I find the IV drug users' stories especially disturbing, and often I have to look away from the TV while they're shooting up.

At the beginning of each episode, we get a brief life history of the subjects, and so often they were destined for greatness. And frankly, I can't recall a single episode where there wasn't some sort of serious dysfunction for these people growing up, and their parents have usually divorced. And as a result of an unstable household, these people have managed to find their way into the stranglehold of some sort of illicit substance, which subsequently tears apart their lives, and the lives of those that love them most.

I think with every episode I watch now, I internalize them. I am so terrified for my boys, especially the RK. I want to do whatever I have to to make sure he doesn't go down this road. I can't control was his father does, but I just want to make sure that I'm doing whatever I must to make the RK's life as stable, fulfilling, and happy as possible despite his father's horrible decisions.

I am so angry that not only has one parent willingly walked away from being a full-time parent, but because of that, it's also taking away a lot of the parent that he's leaving behind. The IH and I had agreed when the RK was born that I would be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, not too long after he was born, I found a job as a part-time bank teller, but when the time came for me to find daycare for the RK, and I will never forget this as long as I live, IH actually broke down and cried while holding his beautiful son over the idea of anyone else taking care of him. So I didn't take the job.

And now it just breaks my heart to see how the IH's priorities have changed so drastically. All of a sudden, strangers taking care of his kids is no longer a big deal to him.

And the injustice in all this is that it is still such a big deal to me, and if he'd just get his priorities back in line, I wouldn't be forced into raising my kids how I don't want to. That's the way I see it, anyway.

While this still hurts like hell, I'm finally getting to a place where I'm starting to accept the different future that lies ahead of me, and I'm desperately trying to steel myself for the much tougher job that I'm being forced into as these boys' now single mother.

This is just so not fair for them. How could he do this? And how can he sincerely convince himself that all this OK, it's no big deal? Oh, how it breaks my heart to watch this horrible metamorphosis of the man I devoted my life to!

When the IH moved out for the last time this past November, he moved in with his mistress, and her kids. She has a son, 9, and a daughter, 3. She, her husband, and their two kids became our best friends almost four years ago. We did everything together. The men were best friends. The women were best friends. And yes, the two boys were best friends. After the IH told me of the affair, hoping I would just dump his sorry ass so he'd be free to be with her, I dealt him a hand he wasn't expecting. I fought. I fought like hell for my marriage. And over the following months, he'd waffle back and forth about what he was going to do. Especially when we found out I was pregnant. Initially, he decided he was going to stick by his family, and do whatever it took to work this out. And I told him that if that's the case, then it has to be as if this woman and her family don't exist anymore. Period. The worst part of this is the two boys having to end their friendship for such a horrible reason, and through no fault of their own.

So far, this divorce has been quite amicable. The IH knows he royally screwed up, and seems pretty willing to take his lumps in the settlement. But we have one major sticking point that we're butting heads on. Because of his living arrangements, and the sensitive nature of our previous relationship with his homewrecking whore *ahem* his mistress, I want the court to approve the stipulation that he cannot have any of his parenting time with her and her family. The RK has worked so hard to move on from being forced to end this friendship, and given the chances of this 'relationship' surviving, I don't want to set the RK up to have to go through it all over again. And besides, I feel like if I send the RK off with his dad for the weekend like that, it'd be sending him the message that what his dad & this 'woman' (again, I use this word loosely) are doing is OK.

Another point: what will the RK think as he enters into this household where Daddy is now living with his ex-best friend and his mommy like he used to live with him and his own mommy? That just gives me waves of nausea. The RK is excited about the thought of getting to be back in the life of this friend, but I think if it actually does happen, it won't be as happy and comfortable as the IH thinks it will be.

It doesn't sound like the court is on my side in this so far, and frankly, I don't have the financial means to draw this out. I think for now I'm just going to keep appealing to my husband's nonexistent conscience to try to get him to agree to this. I have no issue with him spending every other weekend with his kids...just not with her around. And what makes me so sick is that the IH is completely oblivious to the potential for any ill effect this could have on the RK. He's been abiding by my wishes thus far, because he knows the RK and I have had a talk about not keeping any secrets from Mommy if Daddy asks him to.

It absolutely shatters my heart to see how the IH has completely blinded himself to the horrible effects the decisions he's making is having on the people that love him the most. I'm just so afraid that these cards my boys have been dealt have put them more at risk for ending up like those poor people on Intervention.

I have a strong faith in God, though, and as hard as it can be, I'm trying to remember that He is in control, and He has His protective hand over my children during whatever life may throw at them.

I need to get some sleep...

My Wednesday

I'm finally getting some issues taken care of today. I've already gone through all of the retainer I paid my lawyer when I filed for divorce, so I have a call into her to figure out what she needs to proceed with my case. I also put a call into the homeowner's association about renting our little clubhouse for the RK's birthday party, and started formulating a guest list. Most of the people we want to invite are from the neighborhood, so that's easy.

SH never came over last night, and so far today I haven't gotten any response from the email I sent her. I hope our friendship is able to move past this.

But I must get something off my chest. And this is the best way to do it, so bear with me! It just seems to me that this whole uncomfortable, angst-ridden situation could've been completely avoided if she had just said something to me right there on the spot, instead of storming off without a word of explanation! If she had done so, I would've made my apologies right away, and eagerly sat and listened to whatever it was she wanted to talk about. End of story. And also, I have a feeling that the blog post she made last night she only gave access to me to see it. I can't exactly see her posting something like that for everyone on her friends list to see, so it was just aimed at me. I could be wrong, though. I just wish she understood that she can be more direct with me, instead of dancing around me like this. But on the timeline of life, this friendship is still quite new, and hopefully this is just one of those times when we end up learning a little more about the other and it ultimately strengthens our friendship. Only time will tell...

So I haven't heard from The Guy in a week. I've pretty much written it off. I did, however (and I don't know how smart I was in doing this), send him an email just saying thanks for what he's done for my mood and outlook, and that I can take the hint that he doesn't want to pursue this any further. I said I was disappointed, but that I also realize the odds of anything serious developing were slim to none since I'm lugging around a ton of baggage. I mentioned how he's been sort of my 'guinea pig,' now that I'm entering back into a world I never thought I would. And frankly, that's a lot to ask of someone! So I wished him well, and signed it 'your friend.' It just seemed kinda weird to me to just leave it so open-ended, so I just wanted to put a conclusion to this story. There it is. I have to admit, though, I'm still holding out a little hope that he'll call me saying he's been out of town or something, and that I got it all wrong. Bummer, but no big deal if this doesn't actually happen.

I'm not feeling quite right today. I really hope I'm not getting sick, because I have WAY too much going on right now to not have the energy to get it all taken care of.

I noticed on the calendar that tomorrow is the first day of summer! Yay! One thing I love about Michigan is how the lengthening and shortening of the days is much more exaggerated than in Texas, given we're so much further north. According to the The Weather Channel website for my area, sunset tonight is at 9:16 PM, which as I write this is only one minute away. Which means there will still be quite bit of visible daylight at 10:00. That's so cool. I hate not feeling up to speed today, or else I'd be outside enjoying the late daylight. Argh.

So that's it for me today. I think I'm gonna go to bed early.

Why is it that lessons are always learned the hard way? Ouch!

I haven't heard from SH since our incident. Tonight her son and my son were out playing with some other neighbors, and I was getting the sprinklers going and then feeding the IB his bottle out in the garage while watching them all run around. I watched her house out of the corner of my eye, and noticed she decided to sit out in her garage and read a book. Hmmm....

I've been feeling like total crap for the past two days, wondering if I've lost yet another dear friend in my life. And not being totally sure why. So I sit down at the ol' laptop, and notice that she's posted a new blog on her myspace page. The title is "pain - feeling sorry for myself (just ignore)." She writes in poetry form, with the first word of each line being 'pain is.' This poor woman has so much nasty shit on her plate right now, it's no wonder she's having a bit of a meltdown! So maybe one third to one half way through, is this one:

"pain is needing a shoulder to cry on and that person wanting to argue about everything..."

And then a little bit further:

"pain is having no one to talk to..."

And then fourth from the bottom:

"pain is me that sits here on a computer pouring out my feelings because it's really the only thing that will listen and not talk back..."

My heart just breaks for her right now, and I can't stand the thought that I'm actually the cause of some of it! So I just sent her this email:

"SH, I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry about the other night. I really am. The issue doesn't even concern us enough to get into such a debate.

I had no idea you had more weighing on your mind when you came over. I just thought it was for chit-chat! I am so sorry I couldn't better sense your need and be there for you.

I'm learning my lesson from this. And if you get this email right away, and still feel like you wanna come over tonight, my door is open for you, OK? Even though it's so late, maybe you'll be able to sleep a little better if you stop by for a little while. My porch light is on...

Please forgive my insensitive ways, and know my heart is sharing your burdens!

With love,

Trish"

And right now, at ten 'til midnight, my door is open, my light is on, and I'm hoping and praying I'll hear her walk in any minute.

Man, I feel like shit.

I'll keep y'all updated...

Can I get an amen?

My latest purchase on iTunes was Tim McGraw's latest album. And what a gem I've discovered in the title track. This song actually gets the 'repeat' function on my iPod utilized.

A meme, a dream, and more blowin' off steam

Woohoo! Yeehaw! The Silver Lining's first meme! I've been tagged by my new bloggybuddy Ba Doozie. So here we go...seven interesting facts about me.

1. I have a tattoo of the state flag of Texas on my right ankle. I didn't get it until I was 30 years old, and I had lived out of the state for more than six years. It seems the longer I'm away, the more homesick I get. I'm still very proud of this tattoo, and still very glad I got it. Should I ever decide to get another tattoo, it will be something Texas-related. Perhaps a bluebonnet. Or given that I bleed burnt orange, perhaps something Longhorns-related.
2. I'm very partcular about how I unload the dishwasher. For those items that I have a lot more of than what I can use between dishwashings, the clean items go in the back, or get stacked on the bottom, so the ones that weren't used this particular wash cycle will get used the next time around. It just seems pointless to have eight really cool ginormous polycarbonate cups when I can only use two or three before I run the dishwasher again.
3. Although I live in the capital of American automotive manufacturing, I drive a Honda. And I love it. It's the very first brand new car I've ever bought, and although it's only three years old, it's already paid for. I plan on driving it right into the ground. The domestically-made cars I've had in the past have all had numerous issues, and with the horrible road conditions around southeast Michigan, I believe only a foreign-made vehicle has been designed well enough to stand this kind of abuse for its intended lifespan. I feel bad for not doing more to support the local economy, but as soon as the engineers that work for the Big 3 can design a small SUV that will hold up as well as a Japanese-designed small SUV, I'm sticking with the import. Sorry.
4. I was a bigtime band geek in high school and even college. I joined the band in the seventh grade, and found my niche. I learned so much about setting a high standard of excellence, gaining success through hard work, working together and cooperating for a common goal, and it was some pretty darn good exercise that took care of my P.E. credits through high school. Around the state of Texas, being in band is cool...you get out of a lot of days of school to take some pretty cool trips. I loved band so much, I went to the University of Texas and joined the 350+ member-strong Showband of the Southwest. That was pretty cool. I'm hoping I can get the RK to follow in my bandgeeky ways.
5. Let's see....three more...oh, I have one. My mother was 47 years old when she gave birth to me. Yup. That's right. I have two half-brothers who were already in their twenties when I was born, and I even have a niece that's older than me. Unfortunately, though, I'm not really close with either of my brothers, given that I didn't grow up in the same household with them. But my mom rocks. She's fast approaching her 82nd birthday, is still in relatively good health, and she and I are closer now than we ever were. Love ya, Mom! (I'm giving her a shout-out here even though she has no idea this blog exists.)
6. I hate cleaning house, but I'm getting better at it. In a twisted way, this directly relates to Interesting Thing About Me #5. My mom always wanted a little girl after having two boys, and she finally got her 22 years after her second boy was born! So I grew up a princess. I didn't receive very much discipline growing up, because as it turns out, my will was often a lot stronger than my mom's. So I'd get everything done for me after being able to dig in my heels and hold out longer in our continous staring contest of life. So now I'm having to kick my own ass and I'm finally learning how to take responsibility for my own domain. And I'm also now using my strong will to make sure my sons don't grow up like I did.
7. I'm a huge fan of the Looney Tunes cartoons that Warner Bros. produced through the majority of the 20th century. My favorites are the ones from the 50's, when Chuck Jones was in his prime. I've always loved Looney Tunes, but as I grew up, I appreciated them even more, because I began to realize that they were created by grown men. I own the four-disc Golden Collection on DVD. "Rabbit season!" "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" "Duck season!" Hee hee...gotta love it.

So there ya go, Ba Doozie! Thanks! That was fun!

I had a weird dream this morning before I got up. I dreamed I was at a pool at some sort of athletic center somewhere in Texas. I was practicing my diving skills off the 3M board (which in reality, I'm terrified of the 3M board). I remember coming up from a dive, looking over at the edge of the pool, and seeing my boyfriend from college. I had to do a double-take to make sure it was really him, since I haven't seen him in more than ten years. He saw me too, and we started talking. His wife was there with him, and just as I always thought, she's a mousy, insecure, mom-type, and when she sees us talking, she gets pretty upset, even though at this point she has no idea who I am. So CB (College Boyfriend) ditches the wife somehow, and he and I start in on pretty deep conversation. His side of it basically has to do with how his marriage is a mistake, and how seeing me makes him want to try to revisit our relationship. We spend the better part of the day together getting reacquainted after all these years, and reviving our attraction for each other.

I learn about why he's there at this athletic facility. And this is funny. It turns out there's going to be a big pool party there later that day, and he's been hired to set up the music system. The company he happens to work for specializes in sound systems acoustically designed for areas with swimming pools. Crazy, I know.

That's really all I remember of the dream, except that we did hold hands from time to time throughout the day, and I could practically feel electricity flowing between our fingers. It seems to me that the only time I've ever felt this kind of mutual attraction has been in my dreams and never real life. In fact, I've started to wonder if anything of this level is actually possible in real life.

OK, so now I'll fill y'all in on the real side of CB. He was in Longhorn Band, and that's how we met. We dated for almost two years, and when we broke up, it was a mutual decision between us that we would be much better off as friends. So basically, how it went was we decided to break up, we both cried a little, then decided to go get some lunch. We started seeing other people, and here's why I dreamed of his wife like I did. His first girlfriend after we broke up HATED me. She was so intimidated by me and the friendship CB & I continued to have. But CB wouldn't let her come between our friendship, which I think only hurt their relationship. The amount of time they dated could be measured in years, though. She just couldn't get it through her head that I was absolutely no threat to her or her relationship with CB. Now don't get me wrong - I totally understand why she had this type of issue initially, but it just seems that over time, she'd start to understand the nature of my recently-revised relationship with her boyfriend.

So after I left college and moved back home, we kept in touch, and even after I met the IH, we actually took a weekend trip to Austin and stayed with CB & his roommate. And it worked out great. IH & I basically did our own thing the whole time we were there, and the IH saw that what I said about my relationship with CB was true. Nope, no threats there. Unfortunately, I don't think he ever really saw it that way, though.

CB and I continued to keep in touch even after I moved to Indianapolis with IH. CB was still dating the same girl that hated me, and I remember getting phone calls in the middle of the night a few times when they were having some problems. They eventually broke up, and the last communication I received from him was a wedding invitation right after we had moved to Michigan. To another girl, of course. And I didn't recognize the name. I continued to send him birthday and Christmas cards with never receiving any response. We even emailed some the last year or so of our contact, but his address was on the UT servers, and after he graduated, he had to forfeit his account. I never found out a new email address for him after that.

Over the years, I've always been so curious what has gone on with him, and have tried multiple times to get in touch with him again. Luckily, he has an unusual last name, so Google actually turned up some clues. One thing that was really funny about his profession in my dream was that he's not anywhere near inclined in the sound/electronics industry. He got his degree in botany. He loves plants, trees, etc. And I learned a lot about botany from him. Anyhoo, my Google hits included a couple of pages from a website talking about certain plants that had his name on the credits. I also hit on his Amazon.com wishlist, which included a potty training book for little girls. So from that I gathered that he was indeed working in the botany industry, and that he had a daughter. Cool.

He grew up in an area of Texas that was hit hard by hurricane Wilma (or was it Rita? The second one that hit the gulf coast not too long after Katrina, anyway) a couple of years ago, so this got me thinking about him and hoping his family were all OK after the devastation. He was named after his father, so another site I came across on my Google search was a high school reunion site for his dad. This included an email directory, so I tried sending an email to his dad. Never got a response. I think that might be the last time I tried to get back in contact.

And now that I had this dream, it's gotten my curiosity peaked again. I so want to hear what he's been doing the last decade of our lives. But now especially with what I've been going through, it might not be very appropriate to try again. Another Google search couldn't hurt, though.

This post has taken me way too long, so that is all. For now.

Can't wait for this day to end

What a long, slow, agonizing day. Today I fell into one of those funks where I'm very lethargic, very unmotivated. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to sit around wasting time, but I don't have enough motivation to do anything productive, either. The RK and IB fall victim to these states I get in, too. Not only did I not know what to do with myself, but I don't know what to do with the IB, either. Poor kid...his day was very dull and unstimulating too, and he let me know it. The RK is good at entertaining himself, but I always feel like it's my responsibility to provide him some sort of stimulation while he's home all day over the summer. Besides video games and TV. Well, we did get started on his over-the-summer school review packets this morning. I guess that's something.

I'm a lot more upset over yesterday's incident with SH than I want to be. My mind just takes off trying to figure out what in the world could've caused this to happen. Am I really that hard to tolerate? Am I so imposing in a conversation that I drive everyone crazy? And why is it that I can't find people that have the strength of character to talk to me about issues they have with me, instead of just walking away all of a sudden without any indication why?

Knowing how she talks about other people to me, I can only imagine what she's saying about me to other people right now. I just wish she would have the balls to talk to me about this face-to-face. How long is this going to go on? Does this mean the end of yet another friendship in my life? What the hell is wrong with me that I do this to people?

Such a lonely night...

Huh?

A very bizarre thing just happened a little while ago out in my garage. Given that this is the first time anything like this has happened, I don't quite know what to make of it.

First, the backstory: We have another neighbor that lives down the block who has a really awesome swingset in her backyard. Last night we were all hanging out, and the topic got around to how her next door neighbor lets her kids play on their swingset without asking first, and often when they're not even around. This brings up all kinds of liability issues, and she doesn't know exactly how to handle this. We've made suggestions about diplomatically asking this woman to not let her kids play on it without them being around, but she's so afraid of starting something that will make it even more intolerable to live next to these people. Another suggestion of posting a "Play at your own risk" sign was made. We even have a neighborhood blog, and I think it would be a great idea for her to post something on there about this issue....again, very diplomatically. But she just doesn't want to come across as being the neighborhood bitch for raising such an issue. Frankly, I'd rather be known as the bitch than to let this go and find myself being slapped with a big ol' lawsuit over it someday.

OK...so this evening, SH comes over to chat for a little while in my garage. We start out with pretty mundane stuff...watering, cleaning, blah, blah, blah. Then I made the big mistake of bringing up this issue that I just described. We get into a debate. She doesn't think posting on the blog would be a good idea, because she thinks that would indeed make our friend into the neighborhood bitch, and I just don't agree. She said something to the nature of because she has a swingset, it would make her look bad to be the one to post. So then I asked why anyone who doesn't own a swingset would have a reason to post about this? That just didn't make any sense to me. And it's about at this point that she abruptly stands up, says she's gotta go, and starts walking home. I asked her if she was mad, she said no, she wasn't mad, and as she kept walking, I muttered some sort of apology to her. And that's how it ends.

Now SH has a very strong personality, and definitely has strong opinions. I'm the same way, but I totally respect others' differences from my own opinion. I don't 'argue' per se about issues I disagree with; I just state what I believe, why I believe it, and then attentively give the other person the chance to do the same. So far, I think I've done pretty good at getting into mature, level-headed debates with SH over the things we disagree on. And I've enjoyed it. She has never reacted like this before, and I wonder if it's something that's been festering inside her for a while when it comes to talking with me.

And I actually thought it was quite rude of her to just get up and walk off. Why couldn't she have just asked to change the subject? What's so hard about that? I feel like shit now, because I'm so afraid she's been getting to the point she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore.

I have been offering my advice to her as she's been having marital issues over the past weeks and months, but I guess she just doesn't like what I have to say. We have very different views on marriage. Even after all I've been through, I still honestly believe with all my heart that true happiness can be had between a husband and a wife, if both are willing to do whatever it takes to find it. She doesn't think this is attainable. She believes that the differences between her and her husband will always come in the way of the two of them being sincerely happy together. She doesn't believe in romance. Her view on the whole thing is very cynical, and in my humble opinion, she's dooming herself to never finding genuine happiness in her marriage as long as she feels this way. And I think she and I also have very different ideas of what the definition of 'happiness' is. With her definition, she's really selling herself short.

I'm so sad for her, really. And I hope she understands that whatever I say to her, I say out of love, and that even if she decides to leave my advice sitting on the table, that's fine with me. But watching them go through these very serious issues really hurts me, because I've grown to care so much for her.

The more I look back on the last couple of weeks or so, she has been keeping her distance a little more than usual. I'm so worried now.

I'll let y'all know how this turns out.

Randomness, and finally my conversation with the IH

Alas, another Friday is upon us! My house was full of kids a little while ago...while I'm still watching the RK's good buddy, I also watched the three little girls of my neighbor that lives down the block for the morning. And it went quite well, given that I don't really have anything for little girls to play with. Well, except the IB. They LOVE him. He was sitting on the floor, surrounded by the three of them, loving the attention he was getting! I put him down for his morning nap after a while, and then we spent some time outside playing ball, decorating the driveway with chalk, soaking in a little sun.

This is going to become a regular thing...every other Friday, and instead of accepting payment, their mom has offered to watch my kids whenever I need her to. Sounds like a great idea to me!

I know the boys must be hungry for lunch, but I'm procrastinating offering them anything, because I have no earthly idea what to feed them. I'm all out of lunchmeat, and there isn't really anything in the fridge that would be good for lunch. Argh. Maybe some PB&J...although the RK isn't big on those.

Never heard from The Guy last night. Oh well. I'm trying not to freak about it. If he's decided he doesn't want to pursue this any further, that's OK. I'm still hoping I'll hear from him again, and perhaps be offered the chance to go out.

Wasn't the NBA finals this year such a big ol' dud? First of all, the Pistons didn't make it. OK, so I'll cheer for San Antonio. But they didn't need me to. Blah. I hate sweeps. BO-RING! I watched maybe 5 minutes of the game last night, then switched over to Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Then went to bed early...good for me!

OK, given that this post is taking quite a random nature, I'll fill y'all in on the talk I had with the IH this past Sunday. He has dug himself into a huge amount of debt since we separated. All on new credit cards, or ones he has taken my name off of, so I'm not really pissed about it. Anyway, he proposed that he empty out his 401(k) to pay off all this debt and get himself out of his massive cavernous hole. He has to go through me, since I'm entitled to half of whatever's in there. He even offered to pay off my bills with this money, although they're not outrageous like his, and then he threw me this bone: "And then you could maybe even put a deck on the back of the house, or something." That tempted me for about a nanosecond, but that's it. He tried expressing to me the seriousness of this situation he's in, appealing to my sympathetic nature. But what he's learning is that that ship has sailed. My reply to this particular tactic was, and I quote: "Sorry to hear that, but I really don't give a shit." I told him I'd talk to my lawyer about it, and he said he'd text me with some hard numbers, etc.

In retrospect, I've decided to not go for this. For my sake, and partly for his, as well. I don't think he has any idea yet of how he won't have nearly as much cash-in-hand as he thinks he will...Uncle Sam is going to take a GINORMOUS chunk of it, and then there will be fees, penalties, etc. to the company managing the account. It's a temporary fix for a permanent problem...

This man doesn't know the meaning of delayed gratification. He's always been all about the quick & easy fix, and just says to hell with the future consequences. He wanted and wanted and wanted a house for so long, but never did a damn thing to get him any closer to acquiring one. He's talked for years and years about opening up some sort of fast food franchise, but that's all it was....just talk. He doesn't know how not to spend money, rationalizing away every purchase, most of them totally ridiculous. He has no concept of the future, just living life day-to-day with no certain goals or dreams.

And that right there was the death sentence for our marriage. One day he woke up and decided to put everything he had been blessed with, namely his family, on the line, so he started sleeping with another woman. And as his physical desires for her grew, he continually ignored the consequences of his actions, and he kept doing it. To hell with those who have loved him the most. And ultimately, he decided that none of this was worth giving up the mind-blowing sex he was getting from this woman (and I use that term loosely). Oh well, he says. Moving on... I just don't get that. I'm very intrigued to watch how his life ultimately turns out. I know he's not headed for anything he actually thinks he is.

So anyway, the next time I hear anything about this diabolical 401(k) plan, I'm gonna make the suggestion to him that he get a second job and develop a financial plan to get his debt paid off over a period of time. I doubt he can do it, though. I don't really care what happens to him, as long as he's continually able to make those child/spousal support payments. I know 30 years from now, he'd really be kicking himself for going through with something like this now. I hope he drops this stupid idea.

I hear the IB waking up...gotta run!

My brain is nothing but a big grey lump of mush

I am so exhausted, I can barely see straight. My back is aching. And my soul is weary.

I started off the day going great guns working around the house. RK's good friend was over again a little before 8:00, and they got started right away doing what precious little boys do. Playing and discussing video games, roughhousing, making me laugh.

I had all the laundry done by 2:00 PM today. And nowadays that's a rarity around here. No matter how pathetically lacking my other homemaking skills were during my marriage, one thing I always stayed on top of was the laundry. And now that I'm forced to hone those other skills, the laundry aspect has suffered. I'm the type who likes to get it all done in one day, as opposed to those others of you who can do a load here, a load there. And since I've been the sole caretaker of this house, I've become notorious for leaving loads in the dryer for days and days. At least that load has been washed and dried...but I still feel kinda bad making the RK have to go find a clean pair of shorts in the dryer. Anyway, I did four loads, and they've all been folded and put away.

And while the laundry was off to a running start, I made and cleaned up a horrible mess in the bathroom. Yes, it involved a plunger. And then a mop. Ick.

I got my messy kitchen cleaned up, the fridge restocked with the plethora of choices of beverages I like to keep on hand, and did a good once-over on the IB's chow chair. And I washed his stroller cover & car seat cover, and got them put back on their respective frames.

So I completed all this about 2:00, and then it hit me. I was done. Cash in my chips. Throw in the towel. The boys were expecting to go to the pool this afternoon, and I begged their forgiveness for backing out on them, and promised them we'd go nice and early tomorrow and spend a good deal of time there.

And the poor IB. I wasn't a very good mommy to him today. I feel like he was so neglected today while I was getting all this stuff done. I didn't hardly play with him at all. I put him down for his 10:30 nap, and I don't think he ever went to sleep. So he sat up in his crib for the better part of two hours all by his little self. I didn't hear much from him, but it hurts my heart to think he was all alone up there, not sleeping.

I got him out of there around 12:30, and he got a bottle, and then got neglected a little longer while I got the laundry finished up and other stuff around here until my gas tank hit 'E.' So around 2:30, I tried once again to put him down for a nap so I could go take the nap I desperately needed. And he slept a good long time, but not without letting me know his disdain for being left in there yet again.

I got a good nap, too, but I'm still a little thickheaded, and I'm sure I will be for the rest of the evening. And that nap came at the disadvantage of RK and his friend. They just vegged out today in front of the XBox and those stupid TV shows on Nick.

The IB just didn't get the kind of attention today that he deserves. I hope he can forgive me. I hope these days are very few and far between for him. I hope he knows how precious to me he is, and I hope he can sense just how much I truly love and adore him. Oh, that sweet little soul...

Never heard from The Guy last night. Today I haven't been driving myself crazy over that, because it had only been since the night before that we'd talked. But here it is 9:08 PM, and I'm once again willing my phone to ring.

One of my favorite things about Ann Arbor, MI in the summer starts this weekend. It's called "Top of the Park," and they have live music acts, food & drink, and during the week, they show movies after dark. That's another great first date I thought of...plenty of opportunity to talk, in quite a romantic atmosphere. So now maybe I should figure out how to drop a hint or two without making it look like that's what I'm doing.

That is, if he calls me again.

OK...that's all I can think of to talk about now. I'm pooped.

I shouldn't be blogging

I have so many other things I should be doing. I have an anxiety in me right now that I hate. I used to have these angst-ridden days a lot more often just a few months ago, and they were always a lot more severe. I'm so glad I'm making progress out of it, but I guess even in the best of circumstances, these days will occasionally come around.

My house needs some attention yet again. The living room is pretty trashed, and I think what has me really worked up is how the laundry pile has magically multiplied overnight...or so it seems. The IB has occupational therapy at 2:00 today, and his appointments are usually in the morning. I wish it was in the morning. Because that way I could get it out of the way and not have to plan so much of my time beforehand around that. The RK still has his friend coming over for the day this week until his regular childcare starts. I wanted to take the kids swimming around 2:00...argh.

I called The Guy last night after both kids were finally in bed, and we talked for about two hours. It was a good conversation overall, but still not as 'revealing' as I would've hoped. So today, this is another source of my anxiety. I've got so many doubts and questions about this whole thing. And I'm trying so hard to keep it real about the possibility of this actually going anywhere. I truly feel like I'm back in high school! My teenage years were basically filled with me liking guys that didn't like me the same way, and today I'm feeling all of the anxiety that came with that way back when.

Did he hate being on the phone with me for so long ('til midnight) and was just dying to hang up but didn't want to be rude?

Is he coming to the conclusion that our initial attraction was only skin deep and there's really nothing he wants to pursue here?

Why won't he suggest we try to get together? We haven't seen each other since the wedding...going on two weeks now. I really have no issue being the one to make this move first, but given that my relationship and marriage to the IH was so totally un-romantic, I'd really like for this to take more of a traditional route. After feeling like such a bane of IH's existence, I really want The Guy to let me know that he'd love to spend some more time with me and then actually try to make it happen. I mean, how long can we go with only talking on the phone before it just starts feeling ridiculous?

So now I'm back to playing my waiting game. We seem to be pretty good at trading phone calls back and forth, and since I called him last night, now I must wait to see if he wants to keep this going. I wonder...does he play a waiting game for me? Does he want to hear from me? Was he hoping I'd call, and then was happy that I did?

Ack...I hate this and love it all at the same time.

I really hate how my mind always goes to the worst case scenario. But I guess given the way things have gone for me in the past, I'd really have to be pretty deluded to think I was all that. But I am a totally different person now than I was the last time I was a part of the dating world, so I shouldn't be thinking and feeling all those old-me things. But I just can't help it. Some things you just never grow out of.

I'm still really hoping this thing with The Guy has some legs. It has been such an exciting and refreshing distraction from the shit that has been my life for so many, many months now. And again...I'm trying to keep it real, but boy would I love it if I'm headed into a great new relationship! One thing I need to be careful about, though - if it does turn into something cool, I have to be sure to not let this get in the way of my individual rebirth. I need to keep learning how to define myself as my own autonomous person.

OK...I think I've wasted way too much time on here. Hopefully now I've been able to expunge some of my anxiety onto this blog, and I can focus on what I need to get done for the day.

More to come...still must let y'all know about my little chat with IH this past Sunday.

The heroism of fatherhood

As I've mentioned before, I keep up with Midland's newspaper's website on a fairly regular basis. So just now I was perusing the headlines, and came across this commentary:

For Father's Day all I want is for my kids to see me
By Mike Goeke
06/11/2007

A friend of mine recently referred to his missionary dad as his "hero." As I creep into my 40s, being a hero to my kids holds more allure, and the legacy of my life seems to take on more value to me. I wondered what it would take to be a hero to my kids. What would they say about me at my funeral?

To be honest, great financial success has never motivated me, and I don't care to leave a legacy of material things. So in my mind I crafted a legacy. I decided that I want my kids to see me walking in obedience to God. I want them to see me serving the church, and serving other people. I want them to see me taking spiritual risks, and living the life of a true disciple of Christ. But as I was thinking of all the things I want my kids to see me doing, something very important literally flooded my thoughts and washed over my heart, soul and mind.

More than any of those things, I realized that I just want my kids to see me. I want them to see me at their sporting events. I want them to see me at their school programs. I want them to see me at breakfast and at supper. I want them to see me crouched behind a baseball glove or sitting at a tea party, drinking imaginary tea and eating plastic doughnuts. I want them to see me at their desks, working through math problems. I want them to see me on the side of their bed, praying with them at night. I want them to see me with arms open wide to comfort them or to welcome them home. I want them to see me caring when they are scared or sad. I want them to see me jumping across the trampoline from them, and running behind their bike as they learn to ride without training wheels. I want them to see me with my own Dixie cup full of popcorn, watching the DVD du jour. I want them to see me smiling when I walk in the door and I want them to see me groggy as they tap on my forehead to wake me up in the morning. I want them to see me cry and to see me laugh. I want them to see me make mistakes. I want them to see me loving their mommy, and laughing with their mommy, and kissing their mommy, and saying "I'm sorry" to their mommy. I want them to see me.

Yes, I want them to see me doing great things for God and living out the call on my life with honor. But at the end of the day, even those very good things probably don't matter if, in the process, they never saw me. I think I will quit worrying about my kids seeing me as a hero, and work harder to make sure that they simply see me.

Mr. Goeke's children are so very blessed! He's got it. He knows what life is all about, and how to find the joy that everyday has in store.

This just makes the biggest pain well up in my heart that I can't even describe.

My heart is shattered that my precious boys don't have a father as such. I am so proud of my kids, and even though it turns out they got dealt a rotten hand in the paternal department, they wouldn't be who they are if their father were anyone else. But how horrendously sad is it that the man who is so blessed to have such gorgeous children is so oblivious to the fact? It makes me so mad that I didn't have the insight into what he would be capable of. But I realize I'm not superhuman, and ultimately, the fault lies with him, and him only. He is going to miss out on so much of the joy his children can bring to his life. So be it for him, but what really breaks my heart is that they too will be missing out, and through absolutely no fault of their own. While I realize I alone can't fill the enormous void that their father's absence creates, this consumes me with motivation to continually work towards being everything these babies deserve in their mother and make sure they grow up with the same consuming desire to someday be the best fathers they can be. I desperately want them to have a full understanding that their children are the most precious gifts God can bless their lives with.

I pray that God has someone else in store for me that will be willing to take on the role for these kids that their dad is walking away from. Someone to demonstrate this level of integrity. Of gratitude. How to count their blessings. How to find joy in the little things they come across every single day.

I pray that there is a man out there who someday will eagerly step up to fill this void that I will never be able to fill all on my own, and be the father these kids deserve.

In spite of not sharing their genes.

Now that is a rare man, indeed, and in my eyes, there is truly no better use of the word 'hero.'

IT'S SUMMER!!!

And thus concludes the first weekday of summer vacation.

Aaaaahhhhh.....

I feel like I just got done cleaning out my locker, throwing away all my old papers, folders, etc., turning in my textbooks...

But wait...I'm 34!

I have a tendency to throw out the rules when this time of year rolls around. Or at least set them just out of reach. On boring ol' nights like tonight, I think I'm gonna try to get the RK into bed at least by 10:00. But there's always the option of him watching a movie, especially if it's a night where he gets to sleep in my bed. It doesn't matter...it's summer!

I didn't get the IB to bed until after 9:00. I didn't put him down for his second nap until 5:00, and didn't get him up until 7:00. So right there I knew he wasn't going to bed at 8:00.

After dinner, we all went on a walk around our neighborhood. And of course, I ran into people to chat with. Not until towards the end, though. By the time we got home, it was pushing 9:00, and since I had sprayed bug spray on the IB, I wanted to give him a bath before I put him to bed. So actually, it was probably 9:30 by the time he went down. But that's OK...it's summer!

The RK and I had the best dinner tonight. A while back, I clipped a Campbell's Soup recipe out of a magazine, and tonight ended up being the night to try it out. Nothing fancy...one of those chicken and rice conglomerations. The two of us thoroughly enjoyed it, and we decided it must go into my dinner rotation. Again...it's nothing gourmet, or even slightly difficult, but it definitely falls into the category of comfort food. And fresh steamed asparagus to go with it...yum.

I don't exactly know what to do with myself tonight. Now that the TV season is over, my schedule's a bit wide open. Maybe I'll go grab my iPod and park my butt in the garage or on the porch for a while. But not until I finally import some CD's onto it!

I really wish I was talking with The Guy right now. I'm starting to realize that striking up a relationship is going to be quite difficult, and that bums me out bigtime. I'm really confused about how I want to handle this with my kids. Ideally, I'd like for them (and by 'them,' I basically mean the RK since IB is oblivious...but still...) to not even know he exists until I can be for sure it's going somewhere. But with my current parental arrangement, that being I have the kids all the time, this seems near impossible. I've thought about doing the 'host-a-bbq' thing, and that way The Guy won't stand out as anyone special with others around. And that's still a possibility on the weekends he has his own kids. But really, what I want is a big, huge chunk of one-on-one time where we can just pick each other's brains 'til we're blue in the face.

We have been chatting on the phone...30 minutes yesterday, and a couple of other times over the weekend, but those times not for as long, and it's going so well. I remember last night when we hung up, I felt a little disappointed that I'd have to wait a long time to talk with him again. I couldn't anticipate another call for quite a while. And one of the last things he said to me was, "OK then...I'll call you again. It is alright if I call you, isn't it?" I told him absolutely. So I've been hoping to hear my phone ring tonight. And I'm such a wuss. I'm so afraid of calling him and waking him up, or whatever. So here I am sitting at this dumb computer. Making the likelihood of my calling him tonight dimmer and dimmer.

Another thought I've had is I wonder if he'd be willing to just pop over and hang out in my garage with me some night after I've gotten the kids to bed. But I can see that going way too late, and he'd feel like crap the next day at work because of me.

Ya know what I thought of for our perfect first date? A Tigers game. That would be so cool.

I'm still standing firm about the IH not doing his parenting time with the homewrecking ho-bag and her kids. It doesn't look I'll win, but I'm still trying to appeal to his better judgment that it would be nothing but harmful to the RK. And he's really proving why I have every right to call him 'idiot.' He freely admits he just doesn't get that. I told him that's where a conscience would come in handy. I've got so much more to talk about regarding him and what transpired over th weekend...but I'm saving it for a future post.

I'd rather think and talk about The Guy.

Anyway, my point of that last paragraph was that I am starting to cave a nanometer on this position. Now that I have a potential dating opportunity, it sure would be nice to have every other weekend to myself. But I'm not going to be selfish like the IH...my kids' wellbeing comes first, and if that makes it too difficult for this to work with The Guy, then so be it. Hopefully we'll end up being so into each other that it'll be worth the trouble.

Only time will tell...

Hallelujah!

I just solved a major problem I've had for quite a while now, and it feels so good! The DVD-ROM drive on my young computer has not been working for the past month or so. As far as I could tell, the actual hardware is completely fine, but there's been something wrong with the driver to where the computer didn't know the drive was there. I figured out how to uninstall and reinstall the driver, and as my computer was rebooting, I'd get a message saying the driver didn't install properly. ARGH. So I've been counting on having to ship it off to get it repaired, given that it's still a very new machine and under manufacturer's warranty. So today I decided to give the tech chat support another shot. And the guy, Juan, gave me a link to a webpage that described my exact problem, then a list of 18 easy steps to correct it. So within five minutes, my computer restarted, and lo and behold, there's my DVD-ROM drive listed in My Computer!

While I rarely use the DVD-ROM drive, I have been wanting to import some CD's to my iTunes to put on my iPod, and haven't been able to do so. Also, RK's computer (one of our old, antiquated, primitive ones from years gone by) won't even turn on for some reason. When he purchased The Sims Deluxe, he had to install it on the desktop computer that I was using before I bought this laptop. The video card is going out on it, and besides, I hate making him sit in there and have to deal with the mountain of paper junk on the computer desk. (And getting it all sorted, filed, and cleaned up is a major project at this point, and frankly, very low on my list of priorities.) So now the RK can install the game on this computer and can play it wherever he wants. The only thing is he'll have to start all over, given that I wouldn't have the foggiest idea how to get his saved game moved from one computer to another. Quickly and easily, anyway. And he'll have to share the computer with me, unfortunately.

And I must give a shout-out to the Tech Support on the Sony VAIO website. It was a live chat session with one of their consultants, and when I logged on, I had to wait a matter of mere seconds before my consultant was in the chat room with me. He asked me a couple of questions, then up popped that link that solved my problem straightaway. What up, Juan?

"I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, ya know!"

I don't think I'm gonna be getting a lot of sleep tonight. The RK has his friend over spending the night, and he's giving me a hell of a time going to bed.

The RK was over at this friend's house a couple of weeks ago, and he called me asking if he could spend the night. Friend's mom said they were having so much fun, she just couldn't break it up, and it's totally fine with her if RK stays over. The next morning, he gets home and goes right to sleep on the couch. He said that he didn't get any sleep; that Friend got up in the middle of the night, turned on the TV, and started watching 'Adult Swim' on Cartoon Network. Nice. It's called 'Adult Swim' for a reason, and I'm so glad that my boy isn't easily phased by freaky stuff like what he told me he saw on there. But I was rather irritated that he had gone all night without sleep.

So tonight I'm paying back the favor. This kid is nice enough, but I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. My first clue into his mischievous ways is that he has a habit of saying "Trust me" all the time.

Yeah, right.

Lesson #1: Never trust an 8-year-old kid who says 'Trust me' all the time.

Earlier in the evening, I made it be known that I was setting a 10:30 bedtime. A few minutes later, in comes Friend saying he's usually not tired until around 12:00. I respond by saying that if he's going to spend the night in my house, he must follow my rules.

10:30 comes around, the boys are already in their jammies and have brushed their teeth. They're climbing into the fold-out bed in the loft, when Friend says he wants to sleep with the light on. I tell him I'll move RK's nightlight from his room to out there where they are, and I also let him know about the nightlight in the hallway not too far away. He says it's ok.

Within 10 minutes, he comes downstairs, asking what time I'm gonna drop him off at his house tomorrow. He has a baseball game, and he's not sure what time it's at. So I tell him I'll give his mom a call in the morning to find out.

Then he asks if he can use my downstairs bathroom. I tell him he can use the RK's bathroom upstairs. But he really has to go NOW. OK fine, whatever. He uses the bathroom down here, and goes back upstairs.

Maybe a minute later, yes, a piddly sixty seconds, he comes back down with this line: "Umm....Mrs. IH? RK asked me to come down to tell you that he'd really like to watch some Disney Channel."

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME????

This is such a ridiculous lie on so many levels. First of all, RK doesn't ever watch the Disney Channel. Second, he'd have absolutely no problem coming down and asking me himself. Third, he knows better. He follows my rules, with only rare disagreements, and even rarer breakage of said rules. So I told Friend flat-out that I know RK didn't ask him to do that. He tried to back-track a little bit, but I held firm. I told him that I know I'm probably a bit of a bummer, and that if he keeps this up, he won't get to spend the night over here anymore. (I don't think that's going to happen again, anyway.)

OK...had to run interference again...as I was saying...

He heads back upstairs, and I can hear all kinds of whispering, bed creaks, etc. This really isn't a big deal to me...pretty normal. The noise level starts to escalate, and from time to time I give a shout up the stairs to knock it off. Finally, it starts to get quiet. It turns out RK had gone into his room, undoubtedly because Friend wouldn't leave him alone.

And here's where my blogging got interrupted.

Friend comes downstairs, saying he's scared, that he shares a room with his brother at home, and he doesn't like sleeping alone. He says the house is making weird noises. He says that RK wouldn't leave him alone. Again...saw right through that last one. So I go upstairs and talk to the RK, and ask him if he'll give sleeping out in the loft one more shot. He maturely agrees, and I state my case to the two of them that if they won't let each other go to sleep, I will let RK go back into his room, and I'll be giving Friend's mom a call to come pick him up. Friend kept trying to get me to let him turn on the TV, saying that his mom always lets him fall asleep with the TV on, and then comes and turns it off after he's fallen asleep.

"Well, that's not how we go to sleep in this house...sorry."

Now a few months back, another mom in the neighborhood hosted a bit of a slumber party for her son, RK, Friend, and another boy the same age that also lives here in the sub. She dropped the RK off the next morning, and said the last thing she heard from the boys was somewhere around 2:00 AM. And she seemed to be OK with that, like it wasn't a big surprise, or even a big deal. It wasn't a big deal for me then...it was a special event for RK, and one night of little to no sleep isn't gonna kill him.

So am I being just a big stick in the mud here? I guess I'm being such a nazi on the no TV thing because of what the RK described to me that Friend was watching that night he spent at his house. And just the fact that Friend isn't above telling blatant lies to me makes me not trust him or hold him to any sort of an honor system. I am absolutely not OK with kids under my supervision getting up in the middle of the night to watch God-knows-what without my knowledge.

I thought I was being quite lenient and generous in giving them a 10:30 bedtime. Plus, I already had an idea that it wasn't going to be easy to get them to go to sleep, and hopefully they'd finally be out by midnight. I want RK to have lots of friends, and I want them to feel welcome and comfortable in my home. But this kind of behavior will not fly with me. And frankly, I think the RK is on my side. He wanted to go to sleep, too. He'd gone back to his own bed, after all.

Yup, I run a tight ship. And I know that's why I have such a well-rounded, well-behaved child. I'm really quite curious now about what life in Friend's house is like. And I feel quite sorry for him. He obviously doesn't have nearly enough boundaries being set for him, and I can totally see him heading down some very dark and dangerous path when he gets older. And while I'm not going to forbid the RK from playing with him, their relationship is definitely going to be used as a teaching tool. Hopefully the RK will have enough self-respect and self-confidence that he just won't want to hang around someone who doesn't make very good choices in life.

I grilled hamburgers for the three of us for dinner tonight, and while we were eating, I learned that Friend's mom & dad have been divorced since he was about 2. That tells me so much right there. He said the last time he saw his dad was when he was four. His mom has remarried, and Friend has three younger siblings. I'm not sure how many of them are full-blood and how many are half. But I have a feeling the reason he is lacking enough boundaries is a result of those circumstances. And I'm learning so much from this. It's definitely a lesson in what not to do when it comes to helping my family adjust to life after divorce.

Oh man, I can't believe this point in parenthood is almost here. Peer pressure. THE talk. Now's when I really start praying over that boy, that his heart and mind are protected from the temptations that will undoubtedly come knocking. While everyone has made some less than desirable choices in their youths, so many of us still somehow manage to come out OK in the end. But so many don't. How do I go about making sure that my child will be in the former category? I treasure my still close relationship with him, and I hope that as he hits those awful teenage years, he doesn't alienate me like so many kids do to their parents. And I hope that I'm able to equip him with what he needs to at least keep the high road in sight, so he can ultimately find his way back to it.

I'm gonna go check on them and see if they're asleep, then maybe I'll try heading to bed myself. I'm definitely exhausted now.

So what am I supposed to do now?

My day just got blown out of the water. I had been chatting with my neighbors last night, and started formulating a plan to BBQ tonight. You see, my diabolical plan included inviting The Guy over to hang out with my neighbors and me, making the situation much less intimidating. There's strength in numbers, ya know. Well, it turns out he's got yet another wedding to go to tonight, so he wouldn't be coming. So let's BBQ anyway. It should be fun. Then I get a call this morning from one of my neighbors, saying they're just gonna stay home since their niece is gonna be there and they don't want her to be bored. So scrap the BBQ idea, at least for this weekend.

I woke up this morning planning my whole day around it. And now I don't know what I'm gonna do today. The RK spent the night at another neighbor's house, and he's not home yet. And then he's supposed to have another neighborhood friend come over to spend the night here tonight. So I'm thinking maybe I'll go and get some grocery shopping done, perhaps, and maybe a run over to the local Babies R Us to pick up some babyproofing paraphernalia. The IB is just about ready to take off on hands and knees, and I haven't yet done any babyproofing around the house. My garage could use a good sweeping and straightening-up as well.

And there's always housework to be done. This frustrates me. I'm starting to realize that it is logistically impossible for me to have a 100% clean house at any given time. There's just no way I can't get the whole house clean at the same time. Argh. And thus far, I'm worrying more about my downstairs than my upstairs.

No matter how messy the rest of my house is, I always feel like I'm on top of the task if my kitchen is clean. I know...weird.

The IB is laying on his back right now under his swing, pushing it back and forth with his feet and just cackling and squealing up a storm. It just doesn't get any more precious than that. I experience the feeling of loving him so much I feel like I'm about to explode many, many times a day. Right now is one of those times. I so wish I could tell him to enjoy these days while he can. With no worries, the most important things for him are getting his tummy filled, getting played with, getting a new diaper from time to time. His life right now is so simple, and he has no choice but to love it and have a great attitude about it. How I wish I could convey to him that it doesn't get any better than this, and in actuality, really takes a ride downhill. I realize what a beautiful little blank slate I have to work with, and I don't want to screw up the opportunity I still have with him to instill in him an optimistic love of life, even when things aren't going so great. And I hope that even though I don't have his father around to really partner with me in this goal, I can accomplish it on my own.

Come to think of it, it should actually be easier without the IH around. His outlook on life is truly tragic.

This baby has such a beautiful smile. He smiles with his eyes, not just his lips. What a beautiful soul encased in such a sweet little body.

How his father is missing out.
It's heartbreaking.

The RK just got home! How I miss him when he's not here at night. I'm so glad to have my firstborn back home with his mom who adores him so.

OK...enough of that. I'm gonna go figure out how to make this day productive. Happy weekending!

Remembering my hometown's 15 minutes of fame

Has it really been that long? Yeah, I guess so. I was but a young lass of 14 at the time. A freshman in high school. And for those two days, I sat just as riveted in front of my TV set as the rest of the world. But why is this so notable for me? I was just across town. A mere 3 miles away.

Oh, the passage of time never ceases to amaze me. Here I am, a grown woman of 34, living 1500 miles from this place I still think of as home. I'm doing such incredibly grown-up things that back when this was happening, I was completely incapable of imagining myself in such a position. And now, she's 21, a married grown-up herself. How in the world did this happen? How is it that the seconds ticking by all of a sudden add up to two decades?

Anyway, you know I'll be setting my DVR to make sure I don't miss this. Here's what I'm talking about.

Thanks Jimmy, for spreading the word!

The phone call

Oh, I'm in such a bizarre mood right now. I've been cleaning some house this morning. I got so sick of looking at the crap all over my carpet...and it's been less than a week since I vacuumed downstairs. Remember, though, I did a hurried job before the IH came over. So I redid it this morning the right way. I also got out the Spot Shot (a wonder from heaven) and cleaned up fresh cat puke stains, along with some older, unidentified stains that I got tired of noticing. Then I vacuumed the stairs. Fun job. But they had definitely gotten to a point that it felt really, REALLY good to vacuum them. I noticed, though, that quite a bit of cat hair remained behind, no matter how hard or how many times I vacuumed the same area. Argh. After getting the stairs done, I want to get the sofas swiped with the vacuum, but decided to take a break and come sit over here and blog.

I've got my iPod on, because the IB's off in dreamland, so I have a good couple of hours that I don't have to worry about listening for him. Question: When you put your iPod on 'shuffle,' why is it that it plays two songs in a row by the same artist? That spoils the fun for me. Well, half the fun. Because when I hear a song by a different artist than the one before, the curiosity and excitement of finding out what song comes next is greatly diminished. I'm just saying...

Well, I've been in contact with The Guy this week. Yay! He told me during the reception that he wasn't really into email. Oh gawd. Really? What century were you teleported from? It is my preferred method of communication, especially in a nerve-wracking situation like beginning communication with a potential love interest. I'm not good on the fly...coming up with great things to say on the spot, etc. I'm good at sitting down face-to-face with my computer screen rather than this new, very cute, wanna-see-what-it-tastes-like face. I like to ponder my words before I relay them to said face, making sure I like the way they'll come across. At least how I think they'll come across. So anyway....he went to the trouble of sending me an email. I found that very sweet. It had absolutely no formatting, horrible punctuation, and typo's out the wazoo. Which doesn't really say anything to me about him...just about the school system he went through that he could come out of it not knowing any better how to manipulate the written word. I guess that's where I'm thankful to my mom & dad for putting me through a private school through the sixth grade. I can spell. I can correctly format a large amount of text. And I have been oh-so-blessed with the ability to proofread as I go. For the most part, anyway. Sometimes my mind doesn't register what my eyes see and things get by me. Hopefully, though I'll catch it in my read-through before sending or posting. But I digress....

So I spent almost two hours writing my reply to him. I didn't find his email until after 11:00 PM, and my reply was finally sent at 1:14 AM. Geesh. I almost sent him this email spilling my guts, laying my heart and soul all out on the line, and decided he'd probably run screaming from his computer if I sent that. So I deleted about three paragraphs, and rewrote the basic sentiment in one:

"So like I said, I really enjoyed meeting you too the other night!
I'd like to keep it going, but I hope you understand that my world has been
completely turned upside down by the man I thought I could count on for the
rest of my life. I'm finally getting to a place where I'm finding my
own way through this crazy life, and it's terrifying and exciting all at the
same time! But yeah...I am a little curious to see what might
happen. I'm up for us continuing to get to know each other, and
however it might turn out, hopefully we'll at least be able to
count each other as friends and learn something from each other in the
process. Just be patient with me, OK?"

I obsessively checked my email the next day for a reply, even though I knew he was more than likely at work. So evening rolled around, and my obsessive inbox-checking escalated. Nothing. I start thinking, "Oh boy, what if that chilled-out paragraph still freaked him out?" I ended up deciding that it's no biggy if it did...nothing really invested in this yet, anyway.

So then last night, I'm getting the IB all lotioned up after his bathy (yes, his bathy. He's nine months old, OK? I call it a bathy.), and the RK shouts up the stairs, "MOOOMMMMMM!!!! Your phone's ringing!!!" So I scream back, "OK! I can't answer it now, so just let it go!" "OOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!" is the reply. I get the IB all ready for bed, read him Goodnight Moon, and put him to bed. And bound down the stairs to see who called. Could it be? Naw....it couldn't. Maybe? So I check. Yup! My phone says,

"1 missed call
7:26 PM
The Guy."

(Yes, I'd already programmed his number into my phone.)

So I listen to his voicemail, and he was wondering if I got his email. Hmm...so I call him back, and get his voicemail box. I let him know that I had sent him a reply, and to call me back. He called back, and I get to hear his voice for the first time since I met him. Well, besides the voicemail I'd just listened to. We chatted for about 20 minutes. About nothing good. I told him about getting the lawn mowed, fertilized, and watered earlier in the day (yes I did...such a great accomplished feeling), we talked a little about our kids, blah, blah, blah. And there were a couple of seconds of awkward 'what do we talk about now?' instances. For a first phone call, I guess you can't expect much more than that. Let's just hope our conversation skills with each other improve as we go. I know I was trying to be very cautious about what I talked about. I know how I can be on the phone, and I definitely didn't want to go there with him.

I find myself wanting to talk with him face to face now. Interesting. It's just that I feel like the things I need to know about him can only be said in person. Arranging this will be hard to work, though, because I don't want him meeting my kids until I know he's gonna be around for a while. Thank God for my awesome neighbors. I might have to go into favor-debt and ask them to babysit sometime soon.

Anyway, I'm formulating so many preliminary questions I want to ask him.

• "What is your family like?" (Because if he came from a very dysfunctional family, that raises issues with me.)
• "What's your favorite movie of all time?"
• "Who's your favorite music artist?" (These two questions will tell me a lot about him.)
• Along the same lines: "Do you like country music?" (He better. Another big issue with this Texas girl.)
• "What are your goals in life?" (He better have some...again...a big issue for me.)
• "Why didn't you ever marry the mother of your kids?" (Not to be asked judgementally....this one I'm gonna hold off on asking for quite a while; it doesn't exactly fall in the category of 'preliminary.' But I'm already wondering.)
• "Do you like Mexican food?" (Spicy....that'd be cool if he does.)

This list includes, but is not limited to these questions.

The fact that my life is faced with the potential of being happy with someone puts me in such a funk. I haven't been happy with someone else in such a long time. Well, come to think of it, I've never been completely, comfortably, full-circle happy with a guy EVER.

I want someone who wants to climb down deep into my soul to find out what's in there. Heck, I want someone who can actually grasp the concept that my soul runs very, very deep. But then he must have the courage to explore it as well.
And he must let me explore his.
And let me set this straight: This is a non-negotiable prerequisite before he is allowed to explore my body. That's the rule. Soul first, then body.
I want someone who will let me collapse in his arms just because. And let me stay there as long as I want or need.
I want someone who will try to appreciate why I'm passionate about something, even though he isn't. Or isn't yet.
I want someone to need me just as much as I need him. And he's not afraid to say so.
I want someone who's strong enough to do the right thing, even if it's harder than anything he's ever had to do before. Oh....integrity is such a big one. Huge.

So could this be him? I wonder. I know so little about him. I hope that changes over the days and weeks ahead. I hope we have plenty of opportunities to start learning about who the other is. My heart is taking off with the possibilities of this, but my head's keeping it real for me. I've grown up so much since I was 'dating.' I'm not letting my hopes get up too high. While I'm excited for this possibility, I'm not going to run with it just because it presented itself. But just the fact that it has presented itself has me a little giddy.

It feels so good to know someone thinks I'm attractive. That there's someone out there thinking of me in a positive way. Someone who's looking forward to spending time with me. It's been a long, LONG time since there's been someone like that in my life.

I so hope this has legs. At least for a while.

Monday, Monday (ala The Mamas And The Papas)

This week could not have come fast enough for me. It's the last week of school! I'm beginning to think I'm a third-grader just like the RK, because my mind has turned to mush just like his has, and just like it used to when I was his age. Tomorrow is his end-of-the-year bash, and I've been assigned two bags of potato chips (not made with peanut oil, of course) to send in or bring. I think the IB and I might bring them in and stay for the party. The RK loves it when his mom is at school with him...it's actually kind of sweet. I'm so glad he hasn't gotten to the point where he's not ashamed of me yet. I know it can't be far off, though...he is about to turn ten, after all.

Oh, that raises such a swell of anxiety in me. His birthday is exactly 25 days from now, and I have no idea what we're going to do to celebrate. I have no reservations anywhere, no clue what to do. The subdivision has a clubhouse & pool...maybe I'll inquire with the management company about doing a pool party. I'd have to hire a lifeguard, though. And shell out for renting the clubhouse. It still can't be any more expensive than Chuck E. Cheese or a bowling party. I'm imploring to anyone out there who might be reading this...any ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions?

Hee hee...the IB rolled his way over to the entertainment center, where I keep my stacked up newspapers and grocery ads on the bottom shelf. He has made a total mess out of the ads! And he's having a ball! He is just so cute, I can't stand it.

And no, I haven't called The Guy from the wedding reception Fri. night. I'm such a total chicken. I feel like I'm back in junior high. But with sooooooooooo much baggage. I'd still like to see him again, though. Don't know how to go about it without putting too much pressure on the situation. What a tricky situation this is...

I'm dying to get my lawn mowed. It's been something like three or four weeks since I've mowed it. It's not completely overgrown, though. The sod, after all, is only a year old, so it's taking a while to come back in from the long winter. I really have to plan to get it done...a day when it's not raining (not this past weekend), and when I can put the IB down for a nap. Those two things right there all lining up is a rare occurrence indeed. Today it's supposed to start raining around noon, and the forecast doesn't have a rain-free day on it until Wednesday. I guess I can plan for it then...I've waited this long, after all.

That is all.

The party!

The wedding reception for SH's friend was last night. I got the boys' bathroom cleaned yesterday morning, and managed to get the living room floor vacuumed, too. The place still wasn't all that clean, but I'm trying to convince myself that what IH thinks doesn't matter anymore. He came over, and seemed to have a good time with the boys. It's kinda sad, though...it really did have the feeling that he was just babysitting. Such a shame.

The night ended up being such a blast. The food was great, the drinks were strong, and it was definitely a party! I got dubbed the 'wedding crasher,' given that I didn't really know anyone there. But that changed over the course of the night. All of us smokers ended up on the patio drinking, smoking, chatting, laughing, having a wonderful time.

From the get-go I found myself checking out guys' left hands for wedding rings. Well, the good-looking ones, anyway. I felt a little silly, actually. I've developed a philosophy that I'm not going to look for someone. If it'll happen, it'll happen, and the kind of guy I want to meet and ultimately marry will be someone who wasn't really looking, either. I'm so not into the meat market scene. And when I do meet someone who catches my attention, things are going to go so sssssllllllloooooowwwwww. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure something like what I'm going through right now will never, ever happen to me again.

I'm also trying to adopt the mindset that I need to learn how to be happy on my own, for how ever long I am on my own. I've never really been on my own before, and really, right now I'm still not. Financially speaking, anyway. I still totally depend on IH's income to take care of me and the boys. I desperately want to find a special guy to share my life with, but I'm trying to get myself to believe that until that happens, I can be happy without him, too. And it's amazing how my thinking has started to change...I'm finally coming around to realizing that that special guy is NOT the man I married. The whole existence of my marriage was me hoping that someday we'd finally find the kind of relationship we were supposed to have. I'd still love for that to happen, and I'm hoping to some extent that it still can. That's all up to him, though. And for now, I'm trying to move on with my life, learn the lessons I need to learn from all this, and grow as a person.

Throughout the course of the night, I met a lot of...shall I say, interesting people. Some wonderful, great, nice...some...well, I'll stick with interesting.

And yes, I met a guy.

He's five years younger than me. That kind of freaks me out a little bit, but I know that should this actually turn into something, it won't make a bit of difference. Anyway, I didn't beat around the bush. Our conversation was like an interview...there was no doubt anywhere what the whole point of us talking was. I was pretty quick to explain my whole position...divorce-wise, philosophy-wise, even spiritually. And what was cool is it didn't seem to freak him out. That could've been the beer talking, too.

He told me that he already had my number...hmmm....from whom? I wonder... I got his number before the night was over, too. And he's actually been in my thoughts all day. He told me that he probably wouldn't call me, given my current marital situation. He said that he didn't want to 'intervene,' should things with me and the IH turn around. I told him exactly what I stated earlier...that I still hold out a little bit of hope, but it's fading pretty fast, and I'm doing my best to move on. And besides...we can talk, get to know each other, become friends. Without any other major expectations. There's nothing wrong with that. SLOW is the name of the game for me.

He hugged me goodnight.

Twice.

I was actually surprised when I woke up this morning that I look back on it positively...not 'Oh, Lord, what did I get myself into? I hope he doesn't call.' I'm actually hoping I will see him again. I wonder if he's hoping so, too, or if he's looking back on last night hoping I lose his number. He did say some really nice things to me that made me feel really good about myself. Again...I hope that just wasn't the beer talking.

So it sounds like the ball is in my court. And I'm finding myself in a position that scares the shit outta me! All of my little insecurities are rising to the surface, and I think if I do ever call him, I'm gonna have to have a couple of servings of that good ol' liquid courage in me. I wish he was as big into email as I am...I got his address, but he says he never really checks it. So I'm wondering if the number he gave me is his cell phone number....maybe I could email him, then send him a text to check it. How silly is that? Just call him, Trish! Sheesh! Suck it up!

And then I also have thoughts going through my head that the odds of this having real potential are slim to none. I mean, it's so soon! I'm actually still married! It couldn't happen this quick, could it? I guess anything could happen, but I'll say it again: things are gonna go very, very slow. But is this attraction real, or is it just oh-wow-I-can-actually-look-around-now excitement? I guess there's really only one way to find out. CALL HIM! Ugh...so scary.

And I'm also terrified about figuring out how to handle dating with my kids. Since I have the kids all the time, it makes it really hard. And I'm definitely NOT going to be bringing a bunch of strange guys around the house. One step at a time, though...it'll all fall into place when the time comes.

Today I have felt like I've really turned a major corner. That whole moving-on thing is actually starting to happen. It feels good to not be the wallowing mess I was just a few short months ago. Life is going on...whaddya know? And I actually feel happy. There's still quite a bit of anxiety about how it's all gonna work out, but it doesn't overtake me anymore.

So yeah, that's what's been going through my head all day.