Memorable weekend

I really hate that I always forget about Monday Night Football now that it's not on regular broadcast TV. That, and the fact that it has been replaced with Dancing with the Stars.

Which, by the way, seems a little off-kilter this season. Somebody please get that woman Samantha off the show! She's a terrible interviewer, and she makes me uncomfortable. I can only imagine what the competitors think of her. And what they say behind her back.

And I don't think I recall there ever being this amount of really, really negative criticism from the judges! Poor Rocco. I think he's hot.

Some of it's well-deserved, though. Kim K. has lost her personality. If she ever had one, that is...I know she's been on some reality TV show, but this is the first time I've ever actually seen her. Can lobotomies be reversed? She's definitely the next one I want to see go.

And for a gay man, Lance sure slapped one hot kiss on Lacey at the end of their routine. And how much does she rock...the female youth (and some not-so-much-youth) of the world heaved a collective sigh of disappointment when Lance came out of the closet, knowing that their chances with him were gone forever. And yet Lacey, Miss Thang, can say she's kissed him. That's one smart cookie right there.

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We got to host two great kids from the U of Wisconsin band Friday night, and were treated to two great halftime performances from the entire band, as well as the local high school band. M & J are both saxophone players, and both seniors. They were both very nice, and we had fun comparing & contrasting the traditions between the UW band and Longhorn Band.

At the performance, the RK had a great time. He was quite impressed after his first real exposure to a real-live marching band halftime show, and I think now he's starting to open up to the idea of participating when his time comes. And...the IB LOVED IT! He sat on my lap the whole time, completely mesmerized...and when it was time for applause, he was the most enthusiastic little clapper of us all. SO CUTE!

The UW band does something post-game called the 5th quarter. And it's crazy. We did the chicken dance, they played 'Tequila' and we were all doing the Pee-Wee Herman dance, and then three of the trombones came and played 'Hey Baby' in the stands right in front of us giving the RK an up close & personal view of just what he could become someday.

And did I mention how cute the IB was?

Watching both bands gave me those butterflies in my stomach, remembering days past. I think what impresses me so much about it is how you see all these kids dressed in the same outfit, and they're just milling around...running to find their spot, practicing their music, chatting with friends. And then...

...with the blow of a whistle, all of a sudden the kids are gone and one big cohesive unit now exists. It amazed me to see it Friday night, even after having been a part of groups just as these for so long.

Marching bands, and those who comprise them, get such a bum rap. They're really great, very cool kids who aren't afraid of hard work, and they still know how to have lots of fun.

After the show, we came back home, the guys ate some of the leftover pizza I'd ordered for our dinner, and we just about killed a 12-pack of beer while watching a baseball game. It was so great hearing their stories, and getting to share a few of mine. We talked sports, we compared our respective bands' traditions... But good grief, do they make me feel old! They were right around 2nd/3rd grade when I was their age. Gah.

The RK definitely thought they were pretty cool. He wanted to show them his room, his trombone, he even got it out and blew a few notes for us. And the IB didn't take long to warm up to them as well. I'm so glad I took that leap and sent that email saying I'd volunteer. While my house never made it to the condition I wanted it to be, I think it went quite well overall. I wish this was a regular thing around this town, but it's not. Just every few years or so does this happen. I hope we're still around to do it next time!

I was pretty bummed for them after watching that Wisconsin/Michigan football game, too. Talk about CHOKE! That had to be one long trip back to Madison Saturday night.

Didn't get to watch the Longhorns play, but I followed them on the computer while UofM was on the TV. That's my boys! HOOK 'EM! Because of their solid barbecuing of the Razorbacks, and a couple of...ahem...mishaps by 3 of the top five teams, Texas is now #5 in the polls! Yeehaw! This is leading up to a very, very exciting Red River Shootout on Oct. 11.

Off to bed now!

I really hate trying to come up with witty post titles.

My house is a mess. I need to do laundry. And here I sit.

The IB woke up yesterday morning as usual, we took the RK to the bus stop, came back, and I fed him breakfast. After that, he slowed down. Cranky. Lethargic. Listless. Uh oh...he feels a little warm. I took him upstairs and for the first time in his life, I took his temperature. Holy moly, 103º!

I'm not the type to flip out and be an over-worrisome mom, but since he was just nine days out from his surgery, I decided I better call the doctor just to be safe. I talked to the nurse at the pediatrician's office, and upon her recommendation, the nurse at the pediatric surgery office at the hospital as well. And we concluded that it's not related to the surgery, and just a normal bug. Motrin was called for.

He slept most of the day yesterday, and when he wasn't sleeping, he just sat on my lap. Just sat there. He never just sits! But I have to admit, I really enjoyed it. I'm at my mommy-finest when my kids are sick.

So we sat there and watched Noggin. And for the first time, I actually watched it with my undivided attention. Have any of you ever seen "The Upside Down Show?" What a great show! Its basis is using one's imagination, and it's these two guys who have incredibly vivid, creative, and hilarious imaginations. I laughed out loud the whole way through the show! I'm gonna start making sure the TV is tuned in, more for my sake than the IB's.

So anyway, his fever broke around 4:00 PM, and he started to come back to his usual self, but never made it all the way. I remember the RK used to do that when he was younger...have these phantom fevers with no other symptoms that would go away without incident. My guess is it's his little body is heading off some nasty bug right at the pass. Fine by me!

Brrrrr....fall has returned! I've busted out my fuzzy sweatshirts and have started putting socks on my feet. I'm dreading winter. I don't do snow. I hate being cold. But then again...I love snuggling in a warm bed, or under a warm blanket, drinking nice hot coffee or tea, enjoying homemade soup or stew. But that'll get old really quick. Argh...the winters up here are so long. Come on, May 2008!

On the online dating front, I haven't heard back from that one guy. Eh...so be it. Chicken. As for the slight resemblance of a debate that almost got started on my last post, I've weighed the various perspectives and have come to a conclusion. Perhaps I should be a little more shady about my past & current situation...for a short while, at least. Just until I can fully demonstrate my innate awesomeness, and get it to where whomever it is I'm communicating with clearly understands that I am who I am, and while my particular circumstances do look rather questionable at first glance, I'm a conscientious woman and possess the strength of character to keep said circumstances from consuming my whole psyche. But it's definitely not something I want to be holding back for too long...because then, it would make me look like I'm into deception and hiding important facts whose revelation is ultimately crucial to entering into any sort of meaningful, healthy, mutually trusting relationship, be it friendship or beyond.

So there. Game plan tweaked.

OK then. I think the tangled-up, mangled-up thoughts swirling around in my head have now been purged. I guess I should go clean my kitchen now. Crap.

Reality TV hits close to home

Are any of you watching this new season of Dancing with the Stars? So far, I'm really enjoying it, but there is a part of the show this season that just rips my heart out, and really makes it quite difficult for me to watch. Let me explain...

I've talked before, quite a while ago I see now, about the IX's job. (New, or need a refresher? Click here.) For those of you who are watching DWTS, you know that Helio Castroneves is one of the competitors. And this man, although I personally have never met him, holds a very special place in my heart.

The show is touting him as a "two-time Indy 500 winner." And I can tell you right off the bat that it was in 2001 & 2002.

And my ex-husband built the engines that were in his car both years.

We weren't at these races, but we were gathered with his co-workers watching them on a big screen TV in a local restaurant's banquet room. And what celebrations they were! I remember the champagne hangovers I had the following days...oy.

Looking back on it now, both of those wins were major chapters in my life with the IX. They will always be right up at the top of my most prominent memories with that man.

The IX even got his picture on the front page of the community paper where his employer is located, and the company got a huge write-up as well. Helio even came to the shop not too long after both of his big wins, and the IX was able to meet him and get him to sign a copy of the article (whichever year it was...I can't recall if it was the first win or the second). I think it's still tucked away somewhere here at the house.

Oh, I was so proud & supportive of the IX. And it really never meant that much to him, I've discovered.

So anyway, it's turning out that Helio is definitely the one to beat on DWTS this season. Argh. As soon as I heard he was one of the competitors, I've been hoping he'd be awful and get voted off nice and early. No such luck! Hopefully I'll get used to it as the weeks go on, because it's quite evident he ain't going nowhere.

But oh my gosh, his mambo last night! I was almost jumping off the couch, it was so good!

Dammit.

Go meat!

Unless you're living under a rock (or in a self-imposed technology exile), you've probably seen this. I've seen it many times, and look forward to hopefully seeing it many more. In fact, if I'm watching something recorded on the DVR, and I catch a glimpse of this as I'm fast-forwarding through commercials, I back up to watch it.

Big-time kudos to the ad agency that not only came up with a great campaign, but also figured out a way to actually associate the name of the product's company in their catchy presentation ("When I say Hillshire, you say Farm..."). Because I can't remember how many times I've absolutely loved a particular commercial, but couldn't tell ya what the heck it was for. That happens a lot with the glorious Super Bowl ads.

I've been enjoying the entire "Go Meat" ad campaign, but this one is by far my favorite. It makes me want to barbecue. It makes me want to act silly with my neighbors while barbecueing. As for purchasing Hillshire Farm meat products, eh...anything'll do. (If any HF bigwigs happen upon this post, throw some good coupons my way and I'll definitely buy your meat products.)

I got nuthin' for this post's title

I have a rather shameful confession to make. It's my explanation for not posting in a few days. And it might be a reason why I won't post any more often for the next few weeks. I mentioned a while back that I'm really into this season of Big Brother. Well, I cracked. I found myself last Wednesday night punching in my credit card number to start receiving the live feeds of the goings-on in the house which is located on the CBS lot in Los Angeles. So now, my computer time is mostly spent keeping up with all the craziness (oh lordy, you have no idea) that dominates the house this season.

The cool thing about this feature is you get to see it all happen live, learning who wins competitions, hearing the strategy sessions, witnessing people completely lose their minds in this voluntary exile, all before the severely edited episodes are broadcast on TV. It's fun. It passes the time. It gives me an escape of sorts.

So the feeds are suspended right now because from what I could gather, the houseguests are being treated to a big fancy dinner party in the house tonight. The BB powers-that-be aren't letting us watch it live; we'll just have to wait to see it all on a future broadcast episode, I guess. So be it. This gives me a chance to let y'all know I'm still around. (We actually don't get to see competitions or ceremonies on the feeds...they always put up the BB theme music with the same old trivia questions from seasons past. But once the events are over, we learn the results from the ensuing conversations among the houseguests.)

My weekend was very dull. I was so lonely, I just laid around most of the time trying to find any teeninesy bit of motivation within me to do something productive. One thing I'm learning about myself, though, is that if I don't have anyone else around to do anything for, I don't do anything. Being all by myself completely strips away any desire to get anything knocked off my to-do list. It's really quite sad. I'm gonna work on that, though. Sunday I perked up a little bit and got the lawn mowed, along with some inside chores. That baby gate still isn't installed at the bottom of the stairs, so I'm really having to keep a close eye on the IB when he's in free range mode.

Did anyone venture outside last night to catch the peak of the Perseid meteor shower? The RK and I made a rather weak attempt at it before it got too late, but we didn't see much. After he went to bed, I'd step outside from time to time and gaze heavenward, and was finally rewarded close to 2 AM when I saw three shooting stars all within about 15 seconds of each other. The best time to witness it was around 4:00-5:00 AM, and I just wasn't up to that challenge, and certainly the RK wasn't. Even going to bed and setting the alarm was too much to ask of either of us. At least I finally got a little taste of it. All of you dear readers who are located in West Texas (especially you, Bob) should jump at these chances...West Texas is one of the best places in the nation to get away from city lights to behold such wonderful occurences as this!

While I'm on an astronomical topic -- did you know that you can go to the NASA website and find out when you'll be able to spot the space station or the space shuttle in orbit? I've actually done this a couple of times, and it's so cool. It doesn't look like much more than an airplane flying overhead, but you can still tell that it's much further away and going much, much faster. It's pretty amazing to think that there are actually people up there, orbiting this big ol' rock. Oh what I wouldn't give to see the planet from their point of view! Anyway, click on the link, find your city and state, and see when you might have the chance to experience this. And set an alarm clock to remind you...it's so easy to forget about it when the time comes. Definitely one thing that makes this so awesome for me is having a ten-year-old son to do this with. We usually watch all the launches and landings as well, learning more and more about the space program with each event.

I think the best time I spotted the shuttle flying overhead was a couple of years ago, before it had docked with the International Space Station. It was chasing it, catching up to it, so what I saw was two bright not-quite-airplanes-not-quite-shooting-stars cutting a path in the early morning sky. This I did set my alarm for, and looking back on it, I'm so glad I did. I'll keep doing stuff like this every chance I get. I think it's one way to truly soak in and appreciate this amazing age we live in. And who knows where it's gonna go from here?

The shuttle program began when I was a little bit younger than the RK. I remember for the first handful of launches and landings, all the teachers in my school would secure a TV for their classrooms so we could watch. I think it's such a shame that the marvel of it is mostly lost now, and is only reignited when tragedies occur. I'm very grateful to the cable news channels that still break away from their boring, monotonous political drivel to cover the launches and landings. But if even that goes away, thank goodness my dish service carries the NASA channel!

I'm so exhausted. The RK had at least one friend over all day long today, starting at the stroke of 10:00 AM. And for the first time since the RK's birthday, we actually headed down to the pool for a while late this afternoon. And the IB loved it...he's definitely at home in the water. He was so cute in his little swimmy diaper... :) I hope we make it down there a few more times before the season's over.

Oooo, I just started craving some pistachios and a Coke.

This is great...

I was sitting here perusing the web with a rerun of Letterman on in the background. This is actually the first episode of his show I've seen in quite a while, in that our local CBS affiliate doesn't have news programming. I tend to watch the local news on our NBC affiliate, and then watch a little of Leno before hitting the sack.

Anyway, this is one of the best gags I've seen in years.

Lazy

Friend is over here right now. Since the post I first introduced y'all to him, he has spent the night again...probably a weekend or so ago. And things went much better. It looks like what I've always heard about teaching kids who's boss is true. Lay down the line, stick to it. And things are going great in general with him and the RK. He's let me know he thinks I'm a 'nice' and 'cool' mom, and that the RK is one of his best friends.

You have no idea how relieved I am that their friendship is working out for me. Friend is the only other kid around the RK's age that actually stays at home during the day over the summer. His mom stays at home like I do right now. He doesn't have to spend his summer days in a daycare. So this absolutely thrills me that they can spend their summer days hanging out together. The RK has stated to me, though, that Friend is either #2 or #3 on his list of best friends...I can't remember which. It changes from time to time, too. I'm still keeping a close eye on him, though. I still see that little glint of 'up-to-no-good' capability in his eyes.

Oh, I'm still floating after the Rascal Flatts concert Friday night! I have gotten to the point where their music is very soothing and comforting to me. Country music as a whole does that to me, but moreso for RF. I realized I've purchased their last three albums, and I have a feeling I'll be downloading their new one when it drops in September. I just adore their unique vocals and harmonies. They sound so good through my iPod earbuds!

Huh. I can't really think of anything else to talk about at the moment. I just haven't been feeling much of anything lately. Just kinda blah. The boys and I just sorta putter around the house, not doing much of anything. We're definitely in lazy days of summer mode. I hope they're not too bored or unstimulated. 'Cuz I sure am.

I did get an email yesterday from my local library letting me know The Kite Runner is ready for me to pick up. I'll finish the Luanne Rice book I'm reading right now then start that one. I love reading in the summer. Heck, there's nothing else to do...there's certainly not anything on TV.

...well, except Big Brother 8. And boy, is it good this year! I've actually been watching Big Brother since season 2. My mom started watching it the very first year, so when the second season rolled around, she and I watched it together across the miles. This is back before she got back together with her long-lost love and moved to New Hampshire. For the last couple of years, she hasn't watched it, but this year she and I are again attempting to keep up with it together.

So anyway, the cast they have living in the Big Brother house is the best in quite a few seasons. I haven't been this excited about it in a long time! I don't care to get into details at this point in time, but if you too watch this silly, crazy reality show, let me know and we can share our thoughts on it with each other!

Ok I've gotta run. The IB is ready to get out of his high chair, full up to his eyeballs in Cheerios!

We're gonna rock this thang...cock this thang...

I'm sitting here at the dining table with the IB right next to me in his high chair having some sweet corn puffs. He's got his sweet little smile readily available at just the slightest hint of attention from me as he uses his perfect textbook pincer grasp to stuff his face with. He passed the 11-month mark on Friday. Less than a month to go 'til he's one!

I also have the British Open on, although at this point I'm not really watching it all that closely. There's just nothing else on the tube that I'd care to turn on. And heaven forbid I might actually turn the silly off for a while!

The RK & I went on quite an adventure Friday night. It was a bit of a last-minute thing, not being formulated in my head until the day before. SH babysat the IB for us while we...

...are you ready for this?

...we went to....

...are you sitting down?

...oh my gosh this was so great...

THE RASCAL FLATTS CONCERT!

They're only my favorite country group EVER! Well, they're up there with Brooks & Dunn. And this is the first concert I've been to since Pink Floyd at the Alamodome somewhere around 1993 or '94.

I've never been one to enjoy spending a lot of money on entertainment events like concerts. I got the Pink Floyd ticket for free. And even adding on the RF concert to my list of concerts attended, I can still count them on one hand.

Thank goodness they still had some of the 'cheap' ($29.75) tickets left. So yes, we were in the nosebleed section. I bought the tickets over the phone (for a $5/ticket convenience charge...better than Ticketmaster's $9.20/ticket convenience charge) Friday morning, and around 4:30 we dropped off the IB across the street and headed off on the 50+ mile trek to the Palace of Auburn Hills (home of the Detroit Pistons! DEEE-TROIT BASKETBALL!). Jason Aldean was the opener, and he was alright...he's definitely got big things in store for him down the road. But the main act was AWESOME! They opened with "Me and My Gang," which definitely got the crowd going. I think my favorite moment of the night was at the end of "Bless the Broken Road" when Gary LeVox did his little acapella riff "...and God blessed the broken road...." pause... right at this point the crowd erupted into an amazing round of applause that just went on and on and on...it got to the point where the musicians were ready to move on, and we all just wouldn't shut up! Eventually Gary came back to the mike and started singing again despite the still-thunderous roar... "...that led me straight....to you." It was pretty cool.

The RK wasn't all that impressed with the whole concert thing. He was ready to go before it was over, so I dragged myself outta there to take him home. We came out the wrong door and had to walk all the way around the arena, and as we were walking around, everyone else started coming out too, so I was glad to know I didn't miss that much by leaving early. And we still got out of the parking lot rather quickly, too.

The RK just isn't that impressed with any kind of popular music. He doesn't have any favorite songs that he gets all excited about when they come on the radio, and he's especially not thrilled with country. He seems to be in the mode that he's not gonna like anything his mom likes, but after Friday night, I'm starting to think he just genuinely doesn't care for country. He said something about not wanting to listen to any more country for a long time after the concert. I hope he starts getting into music, though. It communicates in a fantastic way the spoken word just can't. I'm so interested to see what genre he'll attach to. He seems like he'll be into the alternative rock...like Green Day, or All American Rejects. We just have to wait and see...

OK...I'm gonna cut it off here. Just had to tell y'all about our fun Friday night! I think I'm gonna go put the IB down for a nap, and then maybe put myself down for a nap, too. Later!

Untitled

I'm upstairs in bed, not really ready to go to sleep, but still not feeling quite right. The RK is downstairs with his pillow and his 'buddies' on the couch watching a movie. He is so precious. I am so proud of him. I hate what his father has done to this beautiful boy's life. And I'm so worried about his future.

I have my DVR set to record all the new episodes of a show on the A&E network called Intervention. I came upstairs and found a recent episode in my list of shows on the DVR, so I decided to watch it.

This show is so disturbing. The subjects agree to participate in a documentary about addiction, and let the cameras follow them as they go through their day. This includes filming the subjects using drugs, drinking, binging & purging, whatever the acts of their particular addiction are. I find the IV drug users' stories especially disturbing, and often I have to look away from the TV while they're shooting up.

At the beginning of each episode, we get a brief life history of the subjects, and so often they were destined for greatness. And frankly, I can't recall a single episode where there wasn't some sort of serious dysfunction for these people growing up, and their parents have usually divorced. And as a result of an unstable household, these people have managed to find their way into the stranglehold of some sort of illicit substance, which subsequently tears apart their lives, and the lives of those that love them most.

I think with every episode I watch now, I internalize them. I am so terrified for my boys, especially the RK. I want to do whatever I have to to make sure he doesn't go down this road. I can't control was his father does, but I just want to make sure that I'm doing whatever I must to make the RK's life as stable, fulfilling, and happy as possible despite his father's horrible decisions.

I am so angry that not only has one parent willingly walked away from being a full-time parent, but because of that, it's also taking away a lot of the parent that he's leaving behind. The IH and I had agreed when the RK was born that I would be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, not too long after he was born, I found a job as a part-time bank teller, but when the time came for me to find daycare for the RK, and I will never forget this as long as I live, IH actually broke down and cried while holding his beautiful son over the idea of anyone else taking care of him. So I didn't take the job.

And now it just breaks my heart to see how the IH's priorities have changed so drastically. All of a sudden, strangers taking care of his kids is no longer a big deal to him.

And the injustice in all this is that it is still such a big deal to me, and if he'd just get his priorities back in line, I wouldn't be forced into raising my kids how I don't want to. That's the way I see it, anyway.

While this still hurts like hell, I'm finally getting to a place where I'm starting to accept the different future that lies ahead of me, and I'm desperately trying to steel myself for the much tougher job that I'm being forced into as these boys' now single mother.

This is just so not fair for them. How could he do this? And how can he sincerely convince himself that all this OK, it's no big deal? Oh, how it breaks my heart to watch this horrible metamorphosis of the man I devoted my life to!

When the IH moved out for the last time this past November, he moved in with his mistress, and her kids. She has a son, 9, and a daughter, 3. She, her husband, and their two kids became our best friends almost four years ago. We did everything together. The men were best friends. The women were best friends. And yes, the two boys were best friends. After the IH told me of the affair, hoping I would just dump his sorry ass so he'd be free to be with her, I dealt him a hand he wasn't expecting. I fought. I fought like hell for my marriage. And over the following months, he'd waffle back and forth about what he was going to do. Especially when we found out I was pregnant. Initially, he decided he was going to stick by his family, and do whatever it took to work this out. And I told him that if that's the case, then it has to be as if this woman and her family don't exist anymore. Period. The worst part of this is the two boys having to end their friendship for such a horrible reason, and through no fault of their own.

So far, this divorce has been quite amicable. The IH knows he royally screwed up, and seems pretty willing to take his lumps in the settlement. But we have one major sticking point that we're butting heads on. Because of his living arrangements, and the sensitive nature of our previous relationship with his homewrecking whore *ahem* his mistress, I want the court to approve the stipulation that he cannot have any of his parenting time with her and her family. The RK has worked so hard to move on from being forced to end this friendship, and given the chances of this 'relationship' surviving, I don't want to set the RK up to have to go through it all over again. And besides, I feel like if I send the RK off with his dad for the weekend like that, it'd be sending him the message that what his dad & this 'woman' (again, I use this word loosely) are doing is OK.

Another point: what will the RK think as he enters into this household where Daddy is now living with his ex-best friend and his mommy like he used to live with him and his own mommy? That just gives me waves of nausea. The RK is excited about the thought of getting to be back in the life of this friend, but I think if it actually does happen, it won't be as happy and comfortable as the IH thinks it will be.

It doesn't sound like the court is on my side in this so far, and frankly, I don't have the financial means to draw this out. I think for now I'm just going to keep appealing to my husband's nonexistent conscience to try to get him to agree to this. I have no issue with him spending every other weekend with his kids...just not with her around. And what makes me so sick is that the IH is completely oblivious to the potential for any ill effect this could have on the RK. He's been abiding by my wishes thus far, because he knows the RK and I have had a talk about not keeping any secrets from Mommy if Daddy asks him to.

It absolutely shatters my heart to see how the IH has completely blinded himself to the horrible effects the decisions he's making is having on the people that love him the most. I'm just so afraid that these cards my boys have been dealt have put them more at risk for ending up like those poor people on Intervention.

I have a strong faith in God, though, and as hard as it can be, I'm trying to remember that He is in control, and He has His protective hand over my children during whatever life may throw at them.

I need to get some sleep...

What a day!

I am just all atwitter right now...I just finished watching the season finale of Lost. Oh, how am I going to wait the whole summer???? From one episode to the next, this show has its ups and downs. But overall, as a series, it's just absolutely brilliant TV.

I've become somewhat of a TMZ.com addict, and every week, some guy named Daniel who works for TMZ, posts a minute by minute recap of each episode, throwing in his thoughts, theories and opinions as he goes. And he's got quite a following. And I have become one of the masses. He has decided that over the summer hiatus, he's going to continue his blog entries with the season one DVD's. I think I just might have to go along on this ride with him. This show is so complex, I could definitely use a refresher on stuff that I've completely forgotten about.

I got my maiden voyage into landscaping completed last evening! I planted some flowers in my Grecian urn planter, hung up a couple of hanging baskets on my porch, got my Mother's Day geranium into a planter, and got my mess cleaned up from planting the bushes. And the front of my house looks so much better! It's nothing award-winning, but it's not bare and plain-jane anymore. Yay me!

But now I'm in a bit of a pickle. Remember back on Monday when I was telling about getting my hostas planted? Allow me to quote: "But today, I got busy...I dug a lot of the concrete chunks and rocks out of it..." So where were was it all going? Into an extra empty large trash can that I had in the corner of my garage. And now I can't move the damn thing. The two wheels start to buckle when I get it tilted. So I thought I'd try it with the hand truck we bought during the move. Surely it would be tough enough to do this for me, right? Wrong! Its tires started buckling, too! I guess I'm gonna have to dig all that dirt back out and put it in a multitude of smaller containers. Or the same few containers over and over again...

You see, my plan is to sneak down to the lot down the block where there's a mountain of dirt that's been dug up for a basement, and make my own little donation. It's not going to be as easy as I was hoping, though.

Ya know, I think that last sentence pretty much sums it all up for home improvement projects, doesn't it? I've got to figure out what to do with all the sod I ripped up, too. The garbage company doesn't do yard waste.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I really wanted to get the lawn mowed yesterday, too, but decided against it, due to the forecast yesterday. 90+°!?!? So yesterday was work-on-the-inside-of-the-house day. My kitchen was such a mess... but not anymore! I got the mail cleaned off the end of the counter, washed all those gallderned baby bottles, ran the dishwasher (and emptied it, too...all in the same day! Holy crap!), and unburied the dining table from all of its junk. It feels really good to start getting my life in some sort of order. I'm really hoping that I can start streamlining my methods for maintaining a clean kitchen counter and dining table. That is the hardest thing for me...I'm so bad about using any raised horizontal surface to put stuff on to be dealt with later. And it just gets added to, and added to, and added to. Until said raised horizontal surface is completely buried. And it drives me absolutely crazy! Maybe we'll actually start dining at the dining table once again. Now there's a novel idea! Today I knocked a lot off of my 'must get done right away' list, but I still have quite a ways to go to feeling like I'm in control of this house and it's not controlling me.

After a day like yesterday, I'm starting to wonder, "What's gotten into me?" But the more I think about it, the question I should be asking is "What's getting out of me?" And the answer to that is, self-doubt, my defeatist attitude, my poor self-esteem, my lack of self-confidence. I guess I'm finally surrendering it all, and letting my sorry excuse of a husband take it all with him. He can go start dumping it all on her. Looking back on my marriage, it's so easy to see how I got into such a funk about what I'm capable of doing. He wasn't abusive, or anything (well, is there such a thing as 'emotional abuse?), but he definitely didn't portray a sense of belief in me, being proud of me, encouragement, or acceptance of me just the way I am, the good and the bad. His love was extremely conditional on my changing to be just the way he wanted. And I wouldn't cave to that. I wanted to make him so happy, but subconsciously I knew that I wouldn't be getting anything in return out of it. So I guess looking back on it now, what I was doing was waiting for some sign from him that he was willing to reciprocate. And it never came.

His idea of happiness is pretty whacked. And it's really quite sad. So until he acknowledges the fact that he's got so much to learn about living life and being happy, and decides he's got something to learn, my boys and I are much better off without him. I still have a little bit of hope that he'll see what he's walking away from and have a cathartic change of heart, but I've also been trying to prepare myself to move on without him.

I could keep going, but I'll spare you. I need to go get something productive done.

Another X on the calendar

I don't know why I'm sitting here typing on this computer. It's almost midnight. I should be going to bed! But I'm just now finally getting to where my chores for the day are done. And I don't know why, but I don't even feel like watching Dancing with the Stars that I DVR'ed tonight. Or Heroes. That show has kinda lost me. It's the season finale, so I'll get around to watching sometime tomorrow, I bet.

I'm so glad this TV season is coming to an end. It's really interesting how my addiction to TV has begun to wane. I grew up with the TV on all the time, and that's definitely something that has continued with me into adulthood. I've always disliked my obsession with TV, and frankly, I'm glad I'm getting to where it's not such a huge thing to me anymore. Plus, I have a subscription to Netflix, and my $15.89/month has pretty much been going to waste since this programming season began last fall. The whole reason I subscribed was to give me something to watch on nights when TV didn't have anything to offer...that was last summer. So now, the next summer is rolling around, and maybe I'll kick my movie-watching back up into high gear.

Something was up with my IB tonight. I just now finally got him down for the night (hopefully)! I put him to bed around 7:30, and after coming inside from cleaning up the driveway & sidewalk (more about that later), I heard him start to cry on the baby monitor. And he got really worked up. So I went upstairs and rocked him a little bit, and he started to doze off in my lap. He's not a sound sleeper by any means, so I knew I wouldn't be able to lay him down without him waking up. But he started his wailing back up again, so after waiting about 15 minutes or so, I made him a short bottle of formula, went back in there, and we sat in the rocking chair while he drank, and then rocked some more when he was done. This time, he didn't doze off like the first time, but he calmed down. When I tried to lay him down again, he let out a couple of little fusses, but right now...silence. Bless his little heart...I wonder if he had a bad dream or something. I read somewhere that even babies his age can have bad dreams.

I am so lucky to be his mommy. I am so glad he's in my life! He is so cute, so sweet, so utterly precious! And he knows it, too. He has a way of attracting attention from anyone...and then he rewards them with the cutest little smile with his one little tooth poking up from his bottom gum. It's amazing how he wraps everyone around that fat little finger of his. He is such a happy baby! Sometimes I feel like I'm just gonna absolutely bust wide open from how much I love him. I actually kind of enjoyed the time I spent with him while he was so upset this evening. I get such a satisfying feeling from rocking him, comforting him, holding him close, giving him nice soft touches, talking to him in a soft voice, saying positive, loving things. I just think of all the poor little babies in this world who don't get such...never feeling safe, secure, comfortable, happy...and those who the only touches they get are hard and painful. So heartbreaking.

So today I started another never-in-a-million-years-did-I-think-I-do-this project. My house has a little piece of ground between my sidewalk and side of the garage, and it's been so ugly with nothing in it. Well, there were quite a few weeds. But today, I got busy...I dug a lot of the concrete chunks and rocks out of it, and planted five beautiful hostas. I've been told they are very hearty, and can grow in just about anything...good thing, because that little plot of land is still full of gravel and quite a few rocks. But I did it, and now it looks great! I added topsoil, mulch, the whole bit. I don't have a clue what I'm doing, but this is how I learn, I guess. I also have three gorgeous burning bushes in my garage that I'm planning on planting along my front porch tomorrow. I'm gonna have to figure out how to tear the sod up, but I'm not expecting that to be too terribly difficult. When we moved to Michigan, I just fell in love with the gorgeous red color the leaves turn in the fall, and I can't wait to have them in my very own front yard! Now let's just hope I don't ignorantly plant them improperly, only to have them die a sad death on me. It wouldn't surprise me.

The only thing that bugs me is that I didn't get my hostas evenly spaced. The two hostas on the end up by my porch are too close together...and that drives me crazy! I wouldn't be surprised if I end up trying to move the end one down a little bit. Argh. I hate my anal-retentive ways. Actually, that comes from my marching band days. I got to where it was drilled into my head to be evenly spaced between the people on either side of me, and that weird obsession continues to this day. And yup, I still try to hit sidewalk seams with the balls of my feet, just as if they were yardlines.

I guess that's enough or tonight, given that the clock is ticking away towards 1:00 AM.