Life is good.

I'm starting to feel normal again. Granted, it's a different normal now. My days are starting to feel routine, which in this case, is a good thing. I like the security this routine of life brings me. I like knowing that at 5:00, I get to see my boys. I like knowing that around 5:30, I'll start stressing out over what to make for dinner. I like preparing dinner in my kitchen while the IB runs around playing. He'll come into the kitchen and see steam rising from something on the stove, or see that the oven's on, and say,

"HOT."

But in a whisper, not with his voice. That's the way he's always said that word.

I like chatting with the RK about his day. I like watching the two of them play and making each other laugh. Yeah, that's cool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The IB and I went grocery shopping Monday night. (The RK had to stay at home to read, since he hadn't done any of his homework during the three hours from the time he got home from school 'til it was time to go to the store. This made him cry. I felt horrible. But the fact is, I would feel even more horrible if he had come along, we all got home around 8:00 PM, and no homework was done yet.) We passed a man in the bread aisle, and all on his own, the IB raises his little hand, and says, "Hi!" The guy said hi back, and we continued on our way. A couple aisles over, in the soup section I believe, we run into the same guy. He grabs a can, and then drops it. The IB witnesses this and says, "Uh oh!" The guy chuckles a little bit, and then states,

"I'm glad he's not mine."

My reply:

"I'm so glad he is mine."

The IB wasn't even misbehaving yet. He was in his prime of IB cuteness. Either this guy was a kid-hater, or else his statement came out far from how he intended it. I have a suspicion he meant that I 'have quite a handful there.' Whatever he meant, I thought I had a pretty great comeback.

I might not have said the same thing back to him if he had made his statement in the freezer section, though. Oy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a phone call from the IX at lunchtime yesterday. I guess things are pretty dire in his world right now, because he was calling to ask me for money. He said they're in danger of losing their electricity, and even getting evicted. He actually had the nerve to suggest I cash-advance my credit cards.

No way. Huh-uh. Not a chance.

I told him that I've busted my ass to establish a secure (relatively speaking) financial situation, and that there's no way I'm going to jeopardize it all to bail him out of this crisis he's brought on himself. (Hmmm...seems like I've heard this before somewhere else.) Okay, that last part I didn't say. I think it went more like I wasn't going to jeopardize it to 'help him out.' He agreed with me on that, anyway. I told him that while I just can't give him a big chunk of money, I would be willing to fill his tank from time to time if he needed gas to get to work, and that if his weekends with the boys were in jeopardy because he can't afford to buy the extra groceries, that I could send some groceries with the boys on those weekends.

I'll do whatever I have to to make sure he keeps that job. After all, about half of his paycheck is going straight into my bank account. I can't go without it.

And as for his weekends with the boys, I'll step up to help him keep a good relationship with them going.

I know how hard it must've been for him to make that call. It took him forever to actually give me any clear idea of what it was he was calling about. (Although after the incident last week, I had a pretty good idea already.) It's a shame that he's carrying on the same immature & careless behavior he learned from his mom (whom I'm sure he called, and of course she couldn't help. In fact, she owes money to him. Us, actually. She's a piece of work, really. I'd write more about her, but I just don't really care anymore.)

I actually feel a little sorry for him. I don't know why, but I do. Don't get me wrong, though...there's a huge feeling of vindication in it all, too. Should it go as far as him getting evicted, well...he can just sleep in his car for all I care. I hope it'd be good for him and he might learn something from it. My boys are being well taken care of right here, so they wouldn't have to suffer any major disadvantage from it. And they're all I care about.

And then this one question pops up into my head, but I'm not really sure I want to know his answer to it.

"Is she worth it?"

Hearing about his plight is motivating me to work even harder, too. I have to admit, it feels pretty damn good to have this upper hand on him right now. Granted my situation is far from comfortable, but my bills get paid. And it motivates me to keep working towards improving the quality of life for me and the boys.

Oh, but he better not lose his job. And I absolutely hate the fact that I'm still so dependent on him for that. Grr.

I want to go back to school. I want to be qualified for better, higher-paying jobs. I just have no idea how or when I could do that. Perhaps if I can just hang on for three more years until the IB starts school...just hang on 'til then. Heck...maybe even before that. As he grows & matures, he'll need less and less of my immediate attention to where I could actually take a class or two. (That sounds kinda bad. I hope y'all know what I mean.)

I'm also contemplating doing a big sell-off on the internet of stuff around the house. I have a feeling I could bring in quite a nice little chunk of change if I did.

Today, though, we have a cozy home. Food in our bellies. We have each other. We're good for now.

My, how the times have changed

Remember this? One of my favorite parts:

"I'm so afraid [the RK]'s going to start liking it better with his dad, too. Last weekend, they went out to eat at Red Lobster. The RK has been begging me to go out to eat there, and I always say no because it's so expensive. They go to the pool at the fancy-shmancy health club they belong to. And Lord knows what else. Their father has no concept of how not to spend money, while things around here are pretty tight."

And remember this?

This man [the IX] has gone hog-wild spending money to the point it makes me wonder if he has some sort of undisclosed source of income. I mentioned in passing a few posts back that he had bought a new car. A brand new 2007 Nissan Pathfinder. This is his third new car in as many years. But this particular type of vehicle he needs now. After all, he now has as many as four kids to haul around. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a Sirius satellite radio box under the front passenger seat. And this last time, he had a bike rack installed on the back. (I asked him if he had a bike now, and he said, no, it's just for the kids's bikes. But then the RK mentioned the other day that his dad and she ride bikes with the kids, too. And after some questioning, it was quite evident that these bikes were not rented.) Oh yes...he went to the Tim & Faith concert, too. (OK...I'll let that one slide...I went to the Rascal Flatts concert the following week.) And not to mention the new shoes I've seen him in, new clothes, etc. And oh yes...he received some sort of new credit card in the mail here at the house not too long ago. I wonder if there was one in there with her name on it, too.

I need to let it go. He's digging his own grave, and I just need to summon the patience to wait for it to all come caving in on him. No, actually, I just need to

LET.

IT.

GO."

The RK had a Cub Scout meeting last night, and the IX came and took him. They got back a little after 8:00, just as I was about to go put the IB in bed. The IX asked if he could talk to me for a minute, and I send the boys upstairs. Here's how the conversation went:

IX: "Would it be at all possible for you to let me have back a child support payment?"

Me: "No, I really can't. I'm really struggling to get these mortgage payments made. And the fringe expenses are hurting me right now...clothes for the boys, trombones, that sort of thing."

IX: "OK. Then do you have any cash you'd let me have to go get some gas?"

Me: "No, I have no cash. But you can go fill up on my credit card, I guess."

IX: "Thanks. I'll be right back. Now I'll be able to come this weekend to take [the RK] to sell popcorn (for Cub Scouts)."

In the time I've been away from here, the IX had to file for bankruptcy. That Pathfinder proved itself to be not that great of an idea, and he had to default on the lease. (He showed up driving a brand new Honda Civic, though. And I learned later on that he got two Civics...his & hers.) Then when Nissan wanted all the money he owed them, he had to file. I had to run to the Secretary of State to put the title to my car in my name. And he's been swamped in lawyer fees, etc.

He actually backed out on taking the boys a couple of weekends ago "for financial reasons," according to his text message.

Now my financial situation isn't comfortable, but it certainly isn't anywhere close to his. I've actually been mulling over the idea of becoming an eB@y regular. Or Cr@igslist. There's all kinds of Indycar memorabilia in the basement that the IX brought home over the years, that I bet I could get a pretty good chunk of coin for. And in my mind, I've always thought that I would just go down there and do it, not telling the IX or giving him an opportunity to take any of it.

But out of the goodness of my heart, last night I offered him the chance to do just that. He didn't sound too excited about the notion, and then he said he's working on getting a night job at that delivery company that have the big brown trucks. I told him that while I don't have much to offer financially, one thing I will do is take over the RK's Cub Scout activities if the IX will have to be at work.

Even if I was able to, I wouldn't give him money. I'm working so hard to get on my own feet financially, and the way I see it, my giving him money would be a bail-out. I thought I was more than generous in letting him fill his tank on my credit card, but it sounds like the IX might not have been able to make it to work if I hadn't, let alone come pick up the RK this weekend. And one thing's for sure...I'll help him make sure he keeps that job. Because it'll have serious repercussions for us if he loses it.

But ya know what? This feels good. Heh. I know I know, that's not very nice. But I'm a big believer in "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it." So seeing his careless and frivolous spending habits finally catch up to him is quite a reward for me. Seriously, though...I hope he learns some better habits from it all.

Gotta run get ready for work.

Kinda sorta random

Go visit In_spired's post for today. She shares with us some really interesting factoids about the great state of Texas. While I already had heard most of them, it didn't fail to give me some internal pangs of homesickness. We native Texans tend to be a little obnoxious about where we hail from, but for good reason, I think! How does that saying go...

It ain't braggin' if it's the truth!

And being reminded of the wonderfulness of Texas makes me all the happier that I decided at the age of 30 to get a little Texas flag tattoo'ed on my ankle.

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I went to the RK's parent/teacher conference last night, and I left there on cloud nine...he has made amazing strides since I last attended a p/t conference, and his teacher sincerely expressed how much she enjoys having him in her class. He's very well behaved, takes responsibility for his stuff and getting his work finished, and is respectful. THAT'S MY BOY! He's still a little bit behind on his level of reading, and I know this could be easily remedied if I buckle down and start reading with him more here at home. It's mainly because we don't have the same taste in reading material. I want to read something with a story, and he wants to read something informational. I get bored with informational reading. Guess it's time for me to act like a grown-up and SUCK IT UP!

I have to wonder how much of his improvement might actually be a result of his dad not being here anymore. I've totally taken over every aspect of the RK's schooling, and for good reason. The IX has no concept of how to talk to the RK on his level, or guide the RK to figure something out for himself. He talks over his head, imposes methods for doing homework completely different from the way RK was taught at school, and usually ends up frustrating the RK to the point of tears. Ummm...yeah. We're glad that's over! So I've taken total charge of the RK's schooling, helping with homework, and am trying to implement have implemented a strict homework schedule and regimen for the evenings.

So last night, I decided to take the boys out to eat. We went back here, finally. The RK certainly deserved the treat after the glowing reviews he got from his teacher! And the IB had fun, too. Except for the fact that he didn't like the mac & cheese I got for him and his dinner consisted solely of french fries.

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I got an interesting text this morning. It was from a number I didn't already have programmed, but given the fact that I can remember phone numbers way too easily and for way too long after they're relevant to my life, I noticed that it was one digit away from the homewrecker's number. Yup, the IX got a new phone number, just one digit away from hers. And what's funny is I have a sneaking suspicion as to what prompted this right now.

I had to buy a new cell phone a week or so ago. I managed to toss my old phone into the washing machine with a load of laundry! I fished it out right away, and as time went on, its functions steadily returned. (Caution: Shameless rationalization ahead.) But given that this is my main phone, I wasn't comfortable depending on a phone that had been compromised in such a way, no matter that it appears to be working just fine. Besides, I hated my old phone, and was thankful for the excuse to get rid of it. So off to the cell phone store I go, ready to put a big ol' charge on my credit card since I'm not willing to renew my contract or change my plan. I pick out one that's AWESOME. It functions just the way I want it to, and I'm very happy with it.

So the IX sees my phone. And he's one of those who has the mindset of "Well, if you get something new and cool, I get to, too!" He was actually that way through our entire marriage. I know for a fact he wouldn't admit to this particular instance, but I know my new phone is more than likely what at least indirectly prompted this. And how amusing is it that he decided to change his phone number so that it sits right next to her number like that? Again, my response: PUKE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All right...gotta get some stuff done before the RK gets home around 12:30. Hope y'all are having a wonderful Thursday!

My secret world of blogging

Wow, in my blogger life, the last couple of days have been quite eventful. For one thing, I'm approaching my 100th post. That deserves a big "WOW!" I really feel like I'm falling into my unique and personal blogging groove, and I hope I'm able to continue to keep it up for a long time.

I am an extremely social creature. I thrive on interaction with others. And all that I've been through has put me in a place of virtual non-interaction. My family is small. I have my mom, who is the only person I'm related to that I keep in touch with on any sort of a regular basis. And I talk to her a few times a week. My dad has passed, my half-brothers were already moved out of the house when I was born, and to add to that, I don't really relate to or agree with their life perspectives and outlooks. There's really not a lot of love lost between us...there's just...nothing. I have an aunt who lives on the Texas Gulf coast, but we're not in frequent touch. And that's about it.

For a decade, I was married to a man with a major anti-social streak. Funny, huh? He managed to keep a close circle of friends something non-existent in our life together. When we finally did meet another family that he could spend a lot of time with and 'let in,' so to speak, he ends up sleeping with the wife and leaving me for her.

His insecurities were contagious, I'll admit, and I went along with this inability to let anyone in, but looking back now, I resisted it, too. I think the end of our marriage had a lot to do with this, actually.

Less than two years ago, we moved. Our neighborhood is one of 'The Starter House.' It's full of young marrieds with young kids. Just perfect for us!

But now, I'm a single mom surrounded by beautiful, happy families. Not exactly the best scenario for creating close friendships. I have some wonderful neighbors, but my situation in life has made it difficult to find my place among them on a regularly social basis. They all know why my garage is only half-full now, but they aren't making much effort to include me in the various neighborhood goings-on. And I don't fault them for that, because I realize this is a touchy situation. How to proceed with a veritable stranger in a situation such as mine is uncharted and choppy waters for most.

So I have turned to the virtual neighborhood that's only found within the millions of pixels and neverending combination of letters and numbers that only exist when I sit down on this love seat and open up this laptop. And it has been my very necessary outlet. Everything that I wish I had someone sitting next to me on my couch to talk about with, I've expunged on here.

And although I've never seen the faces of the recipients of my thoughts and stories (at least not in person), I have made the dearest of friends through this venture of mine. You guys have been walking with me through my stages of change and healing, offering your support, your encouragement, your words of caution, your ear. And I am in awe of the 'leg up' it's given me as I move into this new season of life!

Nobody I know in real life has any idea this blog exists. Not even the RK. This is my own private thing, where I can speak freely about whatever is on my mind. Which means that you guys are all a secret of mine, too...kinda cool, huh?

You guys have no idea how much I love you. Thanks for finding the tales of my life as interesting as I find yours. Thanks for taking the time and putting the thought it takes into making your comments. It's given me a sense of existence during a time in my life where I've felt very invisible and alone!

I actually feel like a bona fide blogger now! My hit counter has been going up, with my daily average steadily increasing all the time.

One recent reason for this last area of growth of my blog, and really the main blogging 'event' I alluded to earlier, is this post by Eric. This note of recognition touched me so deeply. I've been stuck in a way of life with an overall sense of feeling very invisible and unimportant, and this has done so much to show me that I am visible, and what I have to say just might be important! The fact that something I wrote could have such an effect on someone I've never even met, to compel them to devote a big chunk of a post to little ol' me and my little ol' musings, is a huge boost to my self-esteem. Thanks, Eric. :)

To all of you who are reading from the barren and beautiful land of West Texas: I will be back in town. I don't know when, I don't know for how long, but I will come. It is my home, and in the decade I've been gone, I haven't been able to stay away for any longer than 18 months. And when I do come, we are all having supper at a location to be chosen by me. ;-) Get ready! I'll be sure to give you as much advance notice as I can to aid in getting it all figured out.

There are also a couple of my fellow bloggers who are going through some pretty severe difficulties in their lives right now. So severe are these difficulties, they have closed their comments section to their recent posts addressing them. So since I can't offer my own words of encouragement and support on their pages, I'll do it right here. You know who you are. I love you both, and I hope it helps in some small way to know that you are in my thoughts today, and especially my prayers. Blessings!

Did y'all notice that I've been working on my blog's layout? I added a picture to the title bar. Quite appropriate, huh? And what I think is pretty cool about that picture is the fact that I took it!

I'm off to fold laundry, and the Longhorns are kicking off in a few short minutes. Have a wonderful weekend!

Reality TV hits close to home

Are any of you watching this new season of Dancing with the Stars? So far, I'm really enjoying it, but there is a part of the show this season that just rips my heart out, and really makes it quite difficult for me to watch. Let me explain...

I've talked before, quite a while ago I see now, about the IX's job. (New, or need a refresher? Click here.) For those of you who are watching DWTS, you know that Helio Castroneves is one of the competitors. And this man, although I personally have never met him, holds a very special place in my heart.

The show is touting him as a "two-time Indy 500 winner." And I can tell you right off the bat that it was in 2001 & 2002.

And my ex-husband built the engines that were in his car both years.

We weren't at these races, but we were gathered with his co-workers watching them on a big screen TV in a local restaurant's banquet room. And what celebrations they were! I remember the champagne hangovers I had the following days...oy.

Looking back on it now, both of those wins were major chapters in my life with the IX. They will always be right up at the top of my most prominent memories with that man.

The IX even got his picture on the front page of the community paper where his employer is located, and the company got a huge write-up as well. Helio even came to the shop not too long after both of his big wins, and the IX was able to meet him and get him to sign a copy of the article (whichever year it was...I can't recall if it was the first win or the second). I think it's still tucked away somewhere here at the house.

Oh, I was so proud & supportive of the IX. And it really never meant that much to him, I've discovered.

So anyway, it's turning out that Helio is definitely the one to beat on DWTS this season. Argh. As soon as I heard he was one of the competitors, I've been hoping he'd be awful and get voted off nice and early. No such luck! Hopefully I'll get used to it as the weeks go on, because it's quite evident he ain't going nowhere.

But oh my gosh, his mambo last night! I was almost jumping off the couch, it was so good!

Dammit.

At the hospital

So here I am at the University of Michigan hospital's cafeteria. The IB is in for his little operation on the family jewels, and thankfully, the cafeteria has wi-fi! I'm having what has to be at least my fourth cup of coffee since getting up this morning, and frankly, it's tasting quite bitter at this point.

Everything has gone well so far this morning…we were a few minutes late, but that's pretty typical. The OR was a little backed up, anyway. The IB was getting quite restless, and I couldn't put him down and let him go exploring the pre-op area, due to the other patients. Everyone sure thought he was a cute little guy, though!

So finally they come to take him away from me, and that point, I'm ready. My arms are so tired from trying to keep him corralled and entertained, I'm ready for the relief! But now that he's gone, and I can't get to him, I miss him so much!

When we got to our pre-op cubby, there was a child next door who was bald. Ya know, you hear about kids with cancer, you see the ads on TV all the time for St. Jude's, or whatever…but it always stays somewhat distant and detached when you see it on the TV screen. But this child…and frankly, I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl…I just wanted to scoop up and love! He/She was in good spirits, like it was old hat. Which makes me sad, in a way. Surgery and other such intrusive medical procedures should not be so well known to a child this age. Kudos, to the youngster, though, for apparently being strong and mature enough to roll with the punches that life has so unfairly dealt him/her.

The IX had said a while back that he wanted to be here for the IB's surgery. I said that would be fine with me, and gave him all the info. I haven't been looking forward to him being around for this…I wasn't planning on talking with him much, or really having too much to do with him. That's why I decided to bring the laptop……………………

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1:00 PM
I got paged to go be with the IB in the recovery room, so I had to cut it off. Everything went fine, and we're now back home, and the IB's up in his own little beddy-bye, sleeping off the residual effects of the anesthesia.

So anyway, just as we find a spot in the parking garage, I get a text from the IX, saying he slept late and wouldn't make it. Whatever…it seems like in this situation, better late than never is the name of the game. I'm upset for the the IB's sake, but was relieved for my own sake.

Loser.

The IB came through the procedure with flying colors, and was extremely cranky and out of sorts when I got to him. He lethargically cried for about 30-45 minutes. The nurses seemed to be a little concerned about this, but I assured them that it was just his tenacity shining through. He didn't even want to suck his thumb, or drink any juice, or anything! But finally, he snuggled his 'boppy,' (his cloth diaper that's his little security blanket) stuck his thumb in his mouth and let it go.

He still hasn't eaten anything today, but he seemed like he needed a nap more than he was hungry. So when he wakes up, I'll be sure to give him lots of his favorite foods. Bless that sweet little itty-bitty heart…

I'll be back later, hopefully. I think I could use a bit of a snooze myself.

Second, third, and four-hundred-thirty-eighth guesses

Have I done the wrong thing? Did I give up too easily? My gut tells me yes, but what can I do now?

I just can't shake the feeling that letting my kids go with their dad to spend the weekend with the woman who willingly and deliberately helped destroy this family (at least in the traditional sense) and he's now living with is...well, corruptive, to say the least.

At this point, it doesn't seem to be too big of a deal with the RK...he's really enjoying getting to see the boy that was his best friend before this all came crashing down on us, and it doesn't really seem to go any further beyond that. But as time goes on, if this 'relationship' between the ex-husband and the ex-friend really does have legs and doesn't come crashing down like I'm desperately hoping it does, will the implications of the situation start adversely affecting RK? Or will it just become 'the way it is,' even though it is so wrong? And will he understand that?

What if he starts feeling like they're more of 'the family' than I am?

I have my mind set that this relationship is going to last a long time. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right? But I just can't possibly imagine something that started with such selfishness, deception, immaturity and depravity having any kind of staying power. Then again, though, this world is indeed depraved, and such a situation has become quite accepted, supported, and even a source of humor. How sick. My faith in humanity has definitely been shaken.

What if the RK thinks that what his dad is doing is not a big deal and starts adopting the same life philosophy as he grows up, despite my efforts to teach him otherwise? I'm thankful that I have sole physical custody in this respect; he's only exposed to this for two out of every fourteen days.

The IX really has no experience or knowledge of what a true father is supposed to be -- teaching morals, lovingly guiding a child to a healthy adulthood, or offering any kind of emotional support when it's needed. When we were still together, I was the moral and emotional connection, and he was either the playmate, or the way-too-strict authoritarian. And it never went beyond that.

And now, I worry about what I'm not hearing about. I sincerely don't believe the IX has any kind of moral compass when it comes to making decisions when it concerns his kids. But what's funny is there's a great litmus test staring him right in the face. If he wants to do something with/concerning/affecting the boys and has any hesitation in telling me or consulting me about it, then it's probably a good idea that he not go down that road.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job at keeping the boys' best interests as the #1 priority, and not exhibiting any sort of spiteful or vengeful behavior directly toward the IX. I could be wrong, though...my perspective isn't exactly the most objective. But he's absolutely convinced that I'm out to turn the boys (at this point, the RK) against him, and I'm deliberately trying to destroy their relationship. I think he's doing a bang-up job of that all on his own, and doesn't need any help from my end. I'm doing my part to try to salvage and nurture this father-sons relationship now that the father has all but destroyed it.

So what of this situation? Letting my boys go stay with their dad and his girlfriend/mistress/their mom's ex-best-friend? I've made it be clearly known with the RK that what his father is demonstrating to him is utterly wrong as wrong can get. But by allowing this situation, are my actions declaring otherwise? Should I have fought this arrangement in court, even though I was advised that the outcome didn't look to go in my favor? I just don't know. And there's no going back now. So am I doing what I need to be doing now that this is the way it is? What am I not doing? What am I doing wrong? I pray that the Lord open my eyes to the truthful answers to these questions.

OK, I feel a little better now. Just had to get that out.

Well...I've learned my lesson.

The boys came back from their dad's last night. And after grilling the RK for a recap of what they did over the weekend, I come to find out that my Idiot Ex-Husband and the Homewrecker went to the race after all.

The RK said that he spent the night Sat. night over at the HW's sister's house, and spent the day Sunday over there. And he also said something about a babysitter coming over to the sister's on Sunday to watch the IB. I guess the sister didn't want to have to keep up with him and all the other kids as well.

You have absolutely no idea how LIVID I was to hear that. So the IX got this email from me last night:

So you went to the race after all, huh? It was so important to you that you were willing to blow off your kids and pawn them off on [the sister] and the babysitter. That's disgusting.

Your kids deserve so much more out of you than this, [IX]. And I think it's such a shame that you don't cherish them more, and jump at every opportunity you have to spend time with them. They're growing so fast, and if you keep going like this, they're gonna be grown before you know it, and all you'll have is regret. I think it's such a shame that that race took priority over them.

OK...the next time you want to cancel on your weekend plans with your kids, I won't try to stop you. I'd much rather keep the kids here with me than to have what happened this past weekend happen again. I'll be more than happy to blow off any plans I might have to get to spend the extra time with them. And I'm really sorry I just didn't do that this weekend. Another lesson learned.

If you keep acting like this, you're only hurting your kids, and your relationship with them. I was only trying to help you see that and understand that. But obviously, you don't care. So be it. Like I said, just let me know if you have to pass again on your weekend with them, and I'll just say ok; no more grief from me. I'll do my best to pick up the slack you're creating, but I'll never be able to do it completely.

And shame on the sister, who was also a very close friend of mine before all this, for agreeing to that f'ed up arrangement!

Excuse me...I must go. A wave of nausea just swept over me.

Finally, I got to publish this post!

I really hate it when I let so, so many days go between blog entries. But this week, I just haven't felt much like doing anything. My living room floor is completely covered with the CD's the IB has pulled out of the shelves, as well as tons and tons of expired grocery flyers.

The boys went with their dad last evening. But it almost came crashing down. As you may or may not know, the IX & I had agreed to him having the kids every weekend for the summer once our divorce papers were signed. But for last weekend, he let me know that he was scheduled to work all weekend and wouldn't be able to take them. OK, fine. So earlier this week, he and I had an email conversation about his plans to take the kids this weekend. Everything was all set. He was even going to keep them an extra night for the holiday. The RK was really excited about that.

And then Thursday, via text messages, this (pay close attention to the time stamps as you go):

IX 10:57 AM: I seriously need to cancel this weekend. After two weeks of no days off, there are too many things I need to take care of on sat. Plus I need the r & r. On sun.

11:03 AM: planning on attending the [Indycar]race [in downtown Detroit]. I can speak to [the RK] about it as well. Please try to keep a good attitude. It will help the kids out. I will simply have them n [Character allotment for texts just ran out, and I didn't get the rest of the message. I'm guessing it said 'next weekend.']

Me 11:13 AM: It’s not my attitude that’s the problem. It’s a shame you want to be a dad when it’s convenient. I could use the r&r as well as time to take care of stuff too.

IX 11:23 AM: fine. I can take them. Sorry to bother you. Forget I said anything.

Me 11:24 AM: oh no, we’re so sorry to bother you!

IX 2:20 PM: will return them early Sunday morning then.

Me 2:22 PM : why can’t you just stick with our agreement? [The RK]’s really excited about the extra day with you.

IX 2:28 PM: want to spend time with them. Problem is I have tickets for the Detroit race. Can you watch them on Sunday? I’ll pick them back up afterwards. Work with me please.

Me 2:30 PM: did you forget about the race earlier this week [when we were emailing], or did you just now get the tix?

IX 2:32 PM: right. Just got them today.

Me 2:34 PM: so you basically are willing to dump on your kids when something better comes up.

IX 2:37 PM: no. I’ll just take them. Won’t go to the race. Thanks for your help.

3:38 PM: Boy, it sure does pay off being honest with you. Thanks for showing me your true colors.

Me 3:46 PM: What colors are they, exactly? Wanting my kids to have at least a halfway decent relationship with their father?

IX 3:52 PM: All I was asking for a little help [sic] on my situation. One more weekend or not even that just a day at minimum. You make it seem like I won’t see them again.

3:55PM: enjoy your weekend. It’s going to be a nice one.

Me 4:00 PM: all I see is you willing to disappoint your kids for your own selfish reasons. We had agreed that you were going to take them, so that means you don’t get to…

4:00 PM: go to the race. End of story…grow up.

IX 4:16PM: Have the utmost confidence in that lessons have learned [sic]. And won’t be repeated. Definitely count on that fact.

Me 4:18 PM: whatever

Oh, this whole thing Thursday sent me into such a tailspin! I was so angry, I was absolutely shaking. It just pisses me off so much to realize how messed up his priorities are.

I can tell by the messages he was sending me that I really pissed him off as well. I mean, I thought the whole thing was settled with my message sent at 11:24. But then three hours later, he starts it all back up again. And then after our next session, once again I thought it was all settled with the 2:37 message. So I can just see him in those in-between times stewing over it.

It's so interesting to think about how our relationship is changing through all this. During our marriage, he never showed anger towards me, rarely disagreed with me, at least over big things, and just kept everything all bottled up inside, leaving me twisting in the wind wondering what the hell was going on inside his head. I so desperately wanted him to get mad at me sometimes. To let me know that I affected him, even if it was in a bad way. Because in my case, even a bad way was better than my having no effect on him at all, which was my reality.

So I'm finally getting what I wanted from him, now that we're divorced. I guess it's better than nothing. I feel that during our marriage, I constantly put his feelings before my own, conceding in so many disagreements, doing what I could to make him happy. Now that he's no longer my husband, his feelings and his happiness no longer matter to me. My children's do. They are numero uno on my list of priorities, so hell yeah I tore into the IX and had absolutely no desire to work with him or facilitate his getting to that race.

Ya know, come to think of it, I guess this goes both ways. I'm telling him what I really think, instead of taking his feelings into consideration like I did while we were married. So now he's letting me see his reactions. Interesting.

So anyway, thinking back on this whole episode, which makes me a little nauseous, to be honest with you, I think about how the whole thing could've been avoided if the IX would've just acted like the 35-year-old parent he is, and when the race tickets became available, had said, "I'd really love to go, but I have my kids this weekend. Maybe next year."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been trying to get this post published since yesterday afternoon, and I finally got the chance to work on it some more! I went through and edited the 'yesterdays' to 'Thursdays,' etc. And now I think it's up-to-date.

The reason I never got to publish was that not too long after the boys had taken off with their dad, I get a phone call from single mom friend #2. This past Sunday, I had tried to call her to let her know that I was still ready to honor our agreement made earlier in the summer about letting her son come spend the days of the last week of summer vacation with us like he did the first week of vacation. I didn't get an answer and left a voice message. And I never heard anything back. So all this week I've had the worrisome suspicion that she's done with me, I'm just too flighty & flaky for her.

So last night, my phone rings, and it's her, profusely apologizing for not calling me back, that when I had actually called, she was at the ER after hurting her ribs. She hadn't even found the message until right before she called. So we start gabbing on the phone, including my profusely apologizing to her as well, and after 45 minutes, she finally says, "What are you doing right now?"

I say, "Nothing." Although I was once again trying to work on my blog post. But really....priorities....

She says, "You just wanna come hang out and have a beer with me in my garage?"

So I dart out the door.

And we have tentatively made plans to go out tonight, if she can find a babysitter for her son. We sincerely need to try to finagle our weekends with our kids so they coincide.

This morning when I woke up, though, I feel like I don't know if I actually want to go out tonight. I have SO MANY things to get done around the house this weekend, and James Blake to watch tonight at the U.S. Open.

• My house is such a complete disaster (thanks to my formidable force of destruction, aka the IB), I must get it cleaned up.
• I must clean the bathrooms. They're funky. It's been entirely too long since I've cleaned them.
• I need to mow. It's been three weeks.
• I still need to clean out the garage and evict or murder about 5749305589 spiders living in it.
• I need to take my plastics & cardboard to the recycle bins.

I really, really, really hate letting my list get this long (yes, that's long for me), but I just don't know where to start. It overwhelms me. I really need to get over that.

On a happy note....

Do you know what today is?

IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!!!

YEEHAW!!!!!

The Longhorns are playing Arkansas St. tonight, which should be a handy rout. I have the possibility of watching it on PPV, but after the last time I tried to watch a Longhorn game on DishNetwork PPV, I vowed never again.

You see, it was a game in the middle of the day, and the PPV PTB allotted exactly three hours for the game. When that three hours was up, the coverage abruptly switched to another game, with most of the 4th quarter in the Longhorn game still left to play.

Now tell me...when was the last time you watched a football game that took three hours or less? I don't think I've ever seen that.

So I get on the phone with the DN people, ranting and raving about how ridiculous it is that we, their customers, would shell out $29.95 for a football game if we couldn't see the end of it. She said that if I look back through my contract, I'll find that there's no guarantee of viewing the entire sporting event purchased.

I'm sorry, but I think that is the absolute WORST policy. Why in the world would we spend that kind of money to watch a football game if we weren't guaranteed to see the end? That has to be the most asinine thing I've ever witnessed in my life!

So anyway, the UT game is tonight at 7:00 PM EDT, with no game scheduled after it. I noticed on the program guide that they allotted 4 1/2 hours for the game, so I think if I decided to drop that big ol' chunk of change to see the game, I'd more than likely get to see the end.

But I ain't gonna. For one thing, it's Arkansas St. For another, I really don't need to be spending money on something as trivial and unessential as this. And thirdly, it's the principle of the thing...despite that little incident last year with DishNetwork, I love my service from them. But if that's their policy regarding PPV sporting events, I ain't gonna give them any more money than I have to! Take that, DishNetwork!

OK...I guess this post is long enough. I've been working on this at the coney island again, and I've been sitting here so long, my computer battery is down to 26%. Today I've been observing a bunch of people decked out in their Maize & Blue, grabbing a big ol' breakfast before going to the the U of Michigan game. I'm so geeked that football season is here again!

Adventures in Babyproofing

Whew, I finally got that baby gate installed at the bottom of the stairs this morning. And what an unbelievable ordeal that was! I can't remember if I mentioned this earlier, and I just don't feel like going back right now to check, but I ended up not installing the one I bought months and months ago. It was one that mounts directly into the wall with screws, and as I was reading the instructions, I discovered that the gate wouldn't fit properly if the bottom mounts were to go into a baseboard. And the bottom edges of each stair is nothing but baseboard. Great.

So Sunday afternoon, I shlepped all the way over to the baby supply store and bought a pressure-mounted gate (along with some serious IB-spoilage). Without having measured the width of the staircase beforehand. So I get the gate home, and realize there are gaps each the size of the Grand Canyon on either side of the gate when I stand it up at the bottom of the stairs. I get online to see if they make an extension for this particular model of gate, and they do.

Skip to Monday. The boys and I head all the way back over to the same store and pick up one of those extensions. For the paltry amount of $14.99. With the extension, the gate should just be wide enough to fit properly.

WRONG! It's still not wide enough. The RK and I had decided to go out to eat to celebrate the IB's birthday, so back to the baby store we went before dinner. I picked up yet another gate extension, making the whole gate mechanism set me back $80 plus tax. Boy, do I feel like a shmuck. The gate is up, fully functional, though...

...which I discovered another problem with having this gate up at the bottom of the stairs. My good-for-nothing, lazy, annoying cats. Their litter box is upstairs in the laundry room. And they don't jump that high. They won't jump over this gate. They won't even try. They'll sit at the bottom of the stairs, whichever undesirable side of the gate they're on, and moan and wail until I come open it for them. So not only did I shell out enough money for this gallderned gate that would pay for more than five months' worth of the live feed of Big Brother 8, I now must leave it open when the IB's not in free range mode for those pesky felines. (Don't you love my sense of priority? And yes, I realize that a season of Big Brother does not even last five months.)

Now I must tell you about dinner last night. We had decided to go eat a big ol' steak at Outback. As we exit the freeway, we notice that all the traffic lights are out. So we pull into the shopping center where the restaurant is, and sure enough, the whole strip is black. Even the other plethora of stores across the street from this shopping center were in the dark. So the restaurant was closed, needless to say. I search for 'steakhouses' on the handy-dandy GPS, and nothing nearby jumps out at us as appealing. So I punch up the 'all food' heading, and a really cool bbq/sports bar-oriented restaurant known as Damon's comes up. And it's far enough way that I can be reasonably certain they have not fallen victim to this blackout, but still only about a 5-10 minute drive from our current location. So off we go...

And the RK instantly fell in love with this place once we were led to our table and he discovered that we had our own little speaker for the TV which could be tuned to any one of the four channels airing on the ginormous projection screens taking up an entire wall of the dining room. I've never seen this kid so excited! And now to place the cherry on top of this sundae of dining nirvana -- the waiter told him that Wednesdays are kids' night. Kids' meals are only 99¢, and instead of ESPN and FSN on the TV's, it's Cartoon Network and Nick. I thought he was gonna go into fits and convulsions of excitedness. It was really quite amusing. He's definitely circling a Wednesday sometime very, extremely soon on the calendar to take advantage of this. And actually, I'm looking forward to taking him. It should be fun, given that I love cartoons, too. Except Fairly Oddparents. That show annoys the heck outta me. Now some good ol' Looney Toons on Boomerang would be just the ticket for me.

We both ordered steak (and I love any restaurant that has steak on the kids' menu), and savored every bite. Even the IB wolfed down the teeny tiny pieces of steak I prepared for him. He cried and fussed pretty much the rest of the time before and after we ate, but that part he definitely enjoyed. Maybe it was because by this time it was getting late (way after 8:00), but I've decided to blame it on the guy sitting on the upper level just above us smoking a big ol' nasty stinky cigar. There was another family sitting not too far from us that also didn't seem too pleased. P-U.

So that was what transpired on the IB's birthday. It wasn't as exciting as what his dad and his other family did for him...they all went to Chuck E. Cheese's, had balloons, hats, the whole bit. The IX sent me the pictures. So I'm feeling pretty lame about that. And hurt. And disgusted. I didn't even take a single picture yesterday. *sigh*

All right, this post is about to take me an hour to create. So that's enough for now.

*Burp* Aaahhhh....

Aaahhh, the blessed Coney Island again. I just finished a gyro and Greek salad. I wolfed it all down. Down to the last little bits of feta cheese, Greek dressing, and beet juice still swirling in the bottom of my salad bowl. The gyro is now just a memory as well. And I feel like a pig...but a very happy, content pig.

My babies are gone again, and this weekend, I'm not doing as well as I have up to this point. I think I'm gonna tell the IX that I don't want to do his every weekend plan after all.

I was feeling this way even before he sent me into a tailspin when he came to pick them up yesterday. Allow me to explain...

The RK's Cub Scout den leader was having a sleepover/campout at his house last night. In the emails the den leader has been sending out, he as requested for some parents to stay to help wrangle the kids. The IX asked me if the RK wanted to go, and I told him I hadn't mentioned it to him. So the IX asks him if he wants to go, and he says, sure. So I get on the phone with the IX, not knowing if he was thinking of staying the the RK or not. I ask him if he's planning on picking up the IB, and he says yes. So I conclude that this means he was not planning on staying the night with the RK at the sleepover.

Well, I was wrong. He was planning on taking the IB back to the love shack to let her take care of him for the night while the IX stayed at the sleepover. I just about flipped out. For one thing, the only reason for the IX to take the IB is for him to spend time with him. If he's not even going to be there, then why is the IB even leaving? Second, it just absolutely disgusts me that he is so moronic that he doesn't even recognize the need to discuss this kind of thing with me! With a rather loud voice and animated movements, I let the IX know that this doesn't sit well with me, and that the IB can just stay here if that's the case. I rant and rave about how I can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth, and then threw the bike thing from my previous post at him. He ended up saying that he just wouldn't stay the night at the sleepover and go back to his place with the IB. The RK will be able to let me know if this is indeed the way things went down.

OK...I have more to say, but it is freezing in here, and my toes are about to start frosting over! More later...

Movin' on...

Whew, I just now got the kitchen cleaned up from dinner...finally. I get so sick of cleaning that dadgum kitchen. That was one thing great about having the IH around...he went along with the rule that whoever didn't cook, cleans. Now I get to do both. And thus far, only a couple of times has it waited until the next morning.

I'm sitting here right now at my dining table, iPod blaring some Alice in Chains, and an ice cold beer by the computer. This has been a momentous day.

I signed the papers today.

And funny....as I drove away from my attorney's office, I felt like I didn't expect to. Hopeful. Encouraged. Free.

Now I just need to work on the feelings of bitterness and hatred I have in my heart. At this point, I still desperately crave for all the IH's actions to come crashing down around him, so he is finally forced to acknowledge what a f'ed-up view he has on life. And don't even get me started on her.

This man has gone hog-wild spending money to the point it makes me wonder if he has some sort of undisclosed source of income. I mentioned in passing a few posts back that he had bought a new car. A brand new 2007 Nissan Pathfinder. This is his third new car in as many years. But this particular type of vehicle he needs now. After all, he now has as many as four kids to haul around. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a Sirius satellite radio box under the front passenger seat. And this last time, he had a bike rack installed on the back. (I asked him if he had a bike now, and he said, no, it's just for the kids's bikes. But then the RK mentioned the other day that his dad and she ride bikes with the kids, too. And after some questioning, it was quite evident that these bikes were not rented.) Oh yes...he went to the Tim & Faith concert, too. (OK...I'll let that one slide...I went to the Rascal Flatts concert the following week.) And not to mention the new shoes I've seen him in, new clothes, etc. And oh yes...he received some sort of new credit card in the mail here at the house not too long ago. I wonder if there was one in there with her name on it, too.

I need to let it go. He's digging his own grave, and I just need to summon the patience to wait for it to all come caving in on him. No, actually, I just need to

LET.

IT.

GO.

As long as he makes those child support payments, I shouldn't care. And here in the grand state of Michigan, I took advantage of my option to go ahead and have it garnished from his wages from the get-go.


He's asked me if it would be agreeable to me if he could take the kids every weekend for the rest of the summer, until school starts. While I horribly miss my babies while they're gone, I also think it's good for me. I know the RK has a lot more fun on his weekends with his dad that what I have for him here at the house, so I avoid that source of guilt for not giving him a more entertaining time here at the house. I think I just might go ahead and say OK. I am really enjoying the time to myself, and the RK is really enjoying his weekends with his dad.

Oh yes! The weekend! I did end up going to that meet & greet at the neighbor's, but not until after 10:00. But that was OK, because they have a bit of a wild streak in them like I do. They had a keg...I don't think I've had beer from a keg since those 'enlightening' and 'informative' days back at UT Austin! My head hit the pillow at straight-up 2:00. It's nice to know I have a good source of blowing off steam when I need to.

The next day was another meet & greet at the clubhouse of the subdivision, spearheaded by my neighbor two doors down. I had told him I'd come help and set up, since I didn't have the IB to chase after. It was a much more mellow time than the night before, but still great. I did meet a lot of neighbors, one of which I hope I'll run into again. An older, single woman who might be a good source of babysitting. We all had a lot of fun slamming our builder and all the issues we're having with our houses. It was funny.

Oh my gosh... Let It Go just came on my iPod! Frighteningly appropriate. I'll probably listen to it a couple more times before the night's over.

That's all I have for now. From this day forward, though, the IH will now be referred to as the IX. I can't believe this day is here. I never thought in a millions years this day would ever hit my calendar. But it has.

Movin' on...