Swirling around in my head...

In the past whenever I've blogged remotely, it's always been from the coney island restaurant, usually during or after one of their scrumptious veggie omelettes w/extra onions. This is a remote blog post, but I'm not at the coney island. I'm at Panera. (Come to think of it, I have posted from here before.) I think I might make Panera my new favorite out-of-the-house wi-fi spot, because I've discovered they have outlets to plug my laptop into. I've glanced around for some at the coney island and haven't seen any. My laptop is getting to an age where the battery just doesn't have the juice it used to.

Anyway, I'm so content right now. I don't have to worry about my laptop's battery life. I've got my iPod on shuffle as it charges. I have a bottomless cup of coffee beside me...I'm on refill #2. The only thing I would change is to make it just a hair warmer in here right now. I haven't eaten anything yet today, and I'm trying to decide what kind of soup I'm going to order...broccoli cheddar, or cream of chicken & wild rice?

As you know, I'm a proud native of Midland, TX, and I follow a handful of blogs that originate from the area. Check out what I just found over on Jimmy Patterson's blog for today. That's at the Midland International Airport. That's pretty damn cool.

As you might've guessed, the IX took the boys this weekend. How else could I be relaxing at Panera with my laptop? Wouldn't happen if the boys were with me. So I find myself in that position of trying to figure out what to do with myself for the weekend. There's always stuff to clean, that's for sure. My options in this category are:

• finally get my bedroom cleaned out
• sweep & mop the kitchen & dining room floors
• mow the weeds
• work on my front room/office to make it functional
• clean my bathroom (actually, bump that to the top of the list. It's NASTY.)
• reconcile my checking account on my Quicken and pay a couple of bills

Let's see if I actually suck it up and do any of those things.

The Longhorns are in action tonight in Colorado, and since it's on FSN, I'm rather confident I'll get to see it. I slept in until after 11:00 this morning, and it felt so good. Got up, jumped in the shower, and even put on makeup today. I'm figuring out that I'm more motivated to accomplish other tasks if I clean up and make myself presentable. Let's see if it works out. At least I'm out of the house right now...that's progress.

I'm quite proud of my last post. One of my better ones, I think. However I had forgotten that I spoke of 'thangs' just a few days before. I'm losing my mind, I think! Whatever...I'm still proud of that last post.

When following high-profile crime stories, I'm extremely slow to pass judgement. I have no direct knowledge of what actually happened; thus, I don't feel like I have any right to label the accused as guilty or not. However, there are two stories in the news right now which I am finding myself with my own opinion and speculation of guilt and innocence.

My judgement of guilt goes to: O.J. Whether or not he actually did this crime he was just convicted of, I'm glad to learn he's going to jail anyway. I truly think he got off scot-free from murdering his ex-wife fourteen years ago, and it's nice to see that now maybe he'll pay the price for his actions...however recent or long ago they were. Throw the book at him. Let him rot in there. Since the death of his wife and her friend, he has behaved in ways that have proven to me that he's got nothing good to contribute to this world.

And my judgement of innocence goes to: Helio Castroneves. It came as a huge shock to me to learn of his indictment for tax evasion. I feel like I've known him for years, and would never, ever imagine he would or could do anything like this. To read of him in handcuffs and leg shackles?!?!?! weeping in the courtroom breaks my heart. It really does. Of course, he'll be given the chance to plead his case before the court, and hopefully the real truth will come out, whatever it is. But oh, I will feel so hurt and betrayed if it turns out he really did what he's being accused of. Whatever the verdict, his life will be forever changed by this, perhaps unfairly. I'll still be a fan of his until then, and hopefully beyond.

I guess that's about it for now. I ultimately decided on the broccoli cheddar soup since they didn't the cream of chicken today. I've been sitting here for more than two hours, and my butt's getting numb. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful first Saturday of October...

So what's your Thang?

Have you ever had the feeling that there's some big purpose to your life, but you just don't know what it is? That there's some big, very specific reason you've been created, that you're meant to fulfill? Like Tiger Woods was created to golf. Like Michael Jordan was created to play basketball. Like Michael Phelps was created to swim fast. I think they're three examples of the few lucky people that actually discover what their Thang* is for the time they're here. It's their Thang and that's why they gain so much fame and accolades from the greater public. I feel like there's something inside all of us that if we're lucky enough to just figure out what it is and pursue it with all our hearts and souls that we could all be MJ's or TW's or MP's of our specific Thangs. But sadly, so many of us live the whole expanse of our lives never knowing what it is, or that it was even there for us at all.

Tonight I'm feeling like I have a Thang Unrealized. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I think I might already have the general idea...

I spoke before about having tickets to see Marc Broussard. And of course, I failed to report back in any sort of timely manner. Well, better late than never, right?

It. Was. AWESOME. It was the ideal venue; the only way to see a musician like him. It was in one of those little dive, hole-in-the-wall-type places with a cash bar (luckily I had hit the ATM on my way). Just a couple hundred people. Small stage. Very low-tech. Very intimate. Just him and four, maybe five other guys. And we rocked. Right there with him. So cool.

This guy is doing his Thang. At the ripe old age of 26. He has the blues in his genes. He has the ultimate blues/soul voice. He's got a heart and soul from which the most amazing lyrics & melodies emerge**.

It's his purpose. It's his Thang. And he's running with it.

This week I've had him constantly playing on my iPod. And isn't it funny how a song never made much of an impression on you the first 258 times you listened to them, and then all of a sudden it tweaks something inside you and you're all...WOW! Where did that come from?

Here lately his music has been stirring something inside me. Agitating me. Exciting me.

And frustrating me.

I know my Thang is somewhere in the realm of music. I'm a pretty damn good flute player, but my down & dirty musical knowledge is pretty limited. I know how to turn notes on a page into sounds in your ears, but as for writing music or understanding how the music actually got there, I don't have a clue. Gah, how I'm kicking myself for not picking music as my major in college! I'd know all that shit right now.

My performance experience has basically been confined to the classical genre. Eh, throw showtunes, movie soundtracks, oldies-but-goodies in there. But still...sitting in a concert band, or a flute choir, or smaller ensemble.

There's a couple of tracks on Marc's third album S.O.S.: Save Our Soul that has some pretty rockin' flute licks in it. I could SO do that. I could rock it now if you give me a sheet with music on it and a little time to work it up, but I want to know how to just pick it up and go.

Improvisation, baby. Yeah. That's where it's at.

I know my way around a keyboard, too. But again...can only plunk out notes off the page of an old hymnal and such.

Did I mention I can sing, too? I absolutely love to sing. In a formal churchy-type choir, I'm an alto. Could even sing tenor if they'd let me. (Sexists.)

I wanna be a backup singer. Sure, I'd like to step to the front from time to time, but I get major fulfillment out of adding that harmony. I adore harmony. And to be the one that can hear that complimentary melody in my head, add it to what someone else is already singing and bring a whole other aura to the sound is SO COOL.

(Don't ever agree to go to a karaoke bar with me. You'll be there to close the place down, whether you like it or not. I'm just saying...)

And yes, I can sing well. I might be a little rough around the edges stylistically and could definitely use some formal training, but because I have been cursed blessed with close-to-perfect pitch, I know it more than most when someone's out of tune. So most of the time, I'm not. Out of tune, that is.

As an instrumentalist, I've never had much of a desire to be a soloist. You know...like James Galway or Jean-Pierre Rampal. I have no desire to record a full CD of me playing my flute. I love being part of a group. Big or small, it doesn't matter. I love contributing my own unique part to the whole. I love listening to my partners and appreciating what they're adding to the whole.

Jamming, I think it's called. ;-)

Music is my Thang. I know that. But right now it's still unrealized. I believe that's how it should be for now, though. Right now my priorities are elsewhere. But I also think that this new position I'm at in my life will cultivate a plethora of opportunities that will be busting down my door.

This isn't the time, though.

But it's coming.

I feel it.

*HT to Bill Cosby and his children's show "Little Bill" for reminding me that we all have a thaaaaaaaaaaang, however I sorta took the concept a little further.

**Did you listen to his stuff in my earlier post? Did you? DID YOU? Go back and listen now.

NOW. GO ON!

And no, do not collect $200.

Life is good.

I'm starting to feel normal again. Granted, it's a different normal now. My days are starting to feel routine, which in this case, is a good thing. I like the security this routine of life brings me. I like knowing that at 5:00, I get to see my boys. I like knowing that around 5:30, I'll start stressing out over what to make for dinner. I like preparing dinner in my kitchen while the IB runs around playing. He'll come into the kitchen and see steam rising from something on the stove, or see that the oven's on, and say,

"HOT."

But in a whisper, not with his voice. That's the way he's always said that word.

I like chatting with the RK about his day. I like watching the two of them play and making each other laugh. Yeah, that's cool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The IB and I went grocery shopping Monday night. (The RK had to stay at home to read, since he hadn't done any of his homework during the three hours from the time he got home from school 'til it was time to go to the store. This made him cry. I felt horrible. But the fact is, I would feel even more horrible if he had come along, we all got home around 8:00 PM, and no homework was done yet.) We passed a man in the bread aisle, and all on his own, the IB raises his little hand, and says, "Hi!" The guy said hi back, and we continued on our way. A couple aisles over, in the soup section I believe, we run into the same guy. He grabs a can, and then drops it. The IB witnesses this and says, "Uh oh!" The guy chuckles a little bit, and then states,

"I'm glad he's not mine."

My reply:

"I'm so glad he is mine."

The IB wasn't even misbehaving yet. He was in his prime of IB cuteness. Either this guy was a kid-hater, or else his statement came out far from how he intended it. I have a suspicion he meant that I 'have quite a handful there.' Whatever he meant, I thought I had a pretty great comeback.

I might not have said the same thing back to him if he had made his statement in the freezer section, though. Oy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a phone call from the IX at lunchtime yesterday. I guess things are pretty dire in his world right now, because he was calling to ask me for money. He said they're in danger of losing their electricity, and even getting evicted. He actually had the nerve to suggest I cash-advance my credit cards.

No way. Huh-uh. Not a chance.

I told him that I've busted my ass to establish a secure (relatively speaking) financial situation, and that there's no way I'm going to jeopardize it all to bail him out of this crisis he's brought on himself. (Hmmm...seems like I've heard this before somewhere else.) Okay, that last part I didn't say. I think it went more like I wasn't going to jeopardize it to 'help him out.' He agreed with me on that, anyway. I told him that while I just can't give him a big chunk of money, I would be willing to fill his tank from time to time if he needed gas to get to work, and that if his weekends with the boys were in jeopardy because he can't afford to buy the extra groceries, that I could send some groceries with the boys on those weekends.

I'll do whatever I have to to make sure he keeps that job. After all, about half of his paycheck is going straight into my bank account. I can't go without it.

And as for his weekends with the boys, I'll step up to help him keep a good relationship with them going.

I know how hard it must've been for him to make that call. It took him forever to actually give me any clear idea of what it was he was calling about. (Although after the incident last week, I had a pretty good idea already.) It's a shame that he's carrying on the same immature & careless behavior he learned from his mom (whom I'm sure he called, and of course she couldn't help. In fact, she owes money to him. Us, actually. She's a piece of work, really. I'd write more about her, but I just don't really care anymore.)

I actually feel a little sorry for him. I don't know why, but I do. Don't get me wrong, though...there's a huge feeling of vindication in it all, too. Should it go as far as him getting evicted, well...he can just sleep in his car for all I care. I hope it'd be good for him and he might learn something from it. My boys are being well taken care of right here, so they wouldn't have to suffer any major disadvantage from it. And they're all I care about.

And then this one question pops up into my head, but I'm not really sure I want to know his answer to it.

"Is she worth it?"

Hearing about his plight is motivating me to work even harder, too. I have to admit, it feels pretty damn good to have this upper hand on him right now. Granted my situation is far from comfortable, but my bills get paid. And it motivates me to keep working towards improving the quality of life for me and the boys.

Oh, but he better not lose his job. And I absolutely hate the fact that I'm still so dependent on him for that. Grr.

I want to go back to school. I want to be qualified for better, higher-paying jobs. I just have no idea how or when I could do that. Perhaps if I can just hang on for three more years until the IB starts school...just hang on 'til then. Heck...maybe even before that. As he grows & matures, he'll need less and less of my immediate attention to where I could actually take a class or two. (That sounds kinda bad. I hope y'all know what I mean.)

I'm also contemplating doing a big sell-off on the internet of stuff around the house. I have a feeling I could bring in quite a nice little chunk of change if I did.

Today, though, we have a cozy home. Food in our bellies. We have each other. We're good for now.

Chapter 1: Best. Birthday. Ever.

I'm really a little peeved at myself for my long hiatus from this journal. Because now that it's been so long and there's so much to write about, I don't know where to start. One of my 'quirks', I guess you could call it, is that I look too easily at the big picture, as opposed to breaking it up into more manageable, more tolerable steps. I'm feeling like I need to make up for all my lost time on here all at once, and that's quite daunting. I'm trying to talk myself down from it, telling myself, "Just start writing again. Whatever you want. Don't worry about summarizing all the events of the past nine months...just write.

But I do know I want to talk about things that have happened during my absence from the blogosphere as opposed to just setting a new starting point.

First of all, P. The shock of it coming to an end wore off a long time ago, but I'm still very curious to know what was really going through his mind to bring an end to it. Because we were really on a roll! The relationship I was building with him was exactly what I wanted...mature, deep...with a foundation of friendship laid first. We were so good at expressing what was on our minds to each other, and in turn, really listening to each other as well. Right at the beginning, we were so great about not moving too quickly. We discussed it like rational human beings, agreeing on "The Plan." Tee hee...

As you may or may not remember, our friendship turned the corner around mid-January. My birthday was coming up on a Saturday in early March, so he decided he wanted to take me on a weekend trip to a mystery destination. It was a big secret diabolical plan that he worked really, really hard on. It involved tickets. It involved planning activities on Google Earth. (He warned me not to open it on his computer, or all would be spoiled!) He wouldn't even tell me what mode of transportation we would be taking. And I could tell it involved a relatively sizeable dollar amount. He was going to do it up big, and he was having a ball taunting me with it in the days leading up to my birthday!

But that wasn't The Plan. The Plan was that we decided we were going to wait until my birthday trip to...ahem...kick it up a notch, shall I say. And we stuck to it! It certainly wasn't easy, though. But the fact is, we were both in total agreement about it, and that's what was so cool. From the day we made that decision until the time came, he'd send me a text message every morning counting down the number of days. It was quite amusing.

"So Trish, where did he take you???"

I know, I know...I'm getting to that. I came up with all kinds of guesses...NYC, Dallas, California, Boston with a detour to see my mom, etc. But no...we drove over to Chicago! After living up here for the better part of ten years, I'd never been to Chicago. So I was thrilled! And the tickets were for Wicked! He reserved a room in a beautiful hotel, made dinner reservations at the Chicago Chop House (the best steak I've ever had in my life) before the show, found a great little hole-in-the-wall jazz bar for Friday night, etc. It was totally amazing, and I felt like such a queen! Definitely the best birthday I've ever had in my adult years.

Fairy tale, no?

Another way we were so like-minded: our kids. He held my boys in the highest of respect, and asked that when the time comes for him to meet the RK, that I find a babysitter for the IB so the time could be focused on just the RK. He got to pick what we did, and he picked eating at Red Lobster. After that night, the two of them got along great...P would come over after work and have dinner with us, and while I was getting chores done, putting the IB to bed, etc., the two of them would be over here on my laptop shopping for video games on eBay. Or P would help the RK with his homework. There are no words for how things seemed to be going...'perfect' doesn't even seem to do it.

But while I had taken the plunge with bringing him into the lives of my boys, I started to notice that he wasn't so eager to do the same with me and his girls...

...I'll hit on that next time around. As for now, I'm off to beddy-bye.

My secret world of blogging

Wow, in my blogger life, the last couple of days have been quite eventful. For one thing, I'm approaching my 100th post. That deserves a big "WOW!" I really feel like I'm falling into my unique and personal blogging groove, and I hope I'm able to continue to keep it up for a long time.

I am an extremely social creature. I thrive on interaction with others. And all that I've been through has put me in a place of virtual non-interaction. My family is small. I have my mom, who is the only person I'm related to that I keep in touch with on any sort of a regular basis. And I talk to her a few times a week. My dad has passed, my half-brothers were already moved out of the house when I was born, and to add to that, I don't really relate to or agree with their life perspectives and outlooks. There's really not a lot of love lost between us...there's just...nothing. I have an aunt who lives on the Texas Gulf coast, but we're not in frequent touch. And that's about it.

For a decade, I was married to a man with a major anti-social streak. Funny, huh? He managed to keep a close circle of friends something non-existent in our life together. When we finally did meet another family that he could spend a lot of time with and 'let in,' so to speak, he ends up sleeping with the wife and leaving me for her.

His insecurities were contagious, I'll admit, and I went along with this inability to let anyone in, but looking back now, I resisted it, too. I think the end of our marriage had a lot to do with this, actually.

Less than two years ago, we moved. Our neighborhood is one of 'The Starter House.' It's full of young marrieds with young kids. Just perfect for us!

But now, I'm a single mom surrounded by beautiful, happy families. Not exactly the best scenario for creating close friendships. I have some wonderful neighbors, but my situation in life has made it difficult to find my place among them on a regularly social basis. They all know why my garage is only half-full now, but they aren't making much effort to include me in the various neighborhood goings-on. And I don't fault them for that, because I realize this is a touchy situation. How to proceed with a veritable stranger in a situation such as mine is uncharted and choppy waters for most.

So I have turned to the virtual neighborhood that's only found within the millions of pixels and neverending combination of letters and numbers that only exist when I sit down on this love seat and open up this laptop. And it has been my very necessary outlet. Everything that I wish I had someone sitting next to me on my couch to talk about with, I've expunged on here.

And although I've never seen the faces of the recipients of my thoughts and stories (at least not in person), I have made the dearest of friends through this venture of mine. You guys have been walking with me through my stages of change and healing, offering your support, your encouragement, your words of caution, your ear. And I am in awe of the 'leg up' it's given me as I move into this new season of life!

Nobody I know in real life has any idea this blog exists. Not even the RK. This is my own private thing, where I can speak freely about whatever is on my mind. Which means that you guys are all a secret of mine, too...kinda cool, huh?

You guys have no idea how much I love you. Thanks for finding the tales of my life as interesting as I find yours. Thanks for taking the time and putting the thought it takes into making your comments. It's given me a sense of existence during a time in my life where I've felt very invisible and alone!

I actually feel like a bona fide blogger now! My hit counter has been going up, with my daily average steadily increasing all the time.

One recent reason for this last area of growth of my blog, and really the main blogging 'event' I alluded to earlier, is this post by Eric. This note of recognition touched me so deeply. I've been stuck in a way of life with an overall sense of feeling very invisible and unimportant, and this has done so much to show me that I am visible, and what I have to say just might be important! The fact that something I wrote could have such an effect on someone I've never even met, to compel them to devote a big chunk of a post to little ol' me and my little ol' musings, is a huge boost to my self-esteem. Thanks, Eric. :)

To all of you who are reading from the barren and beautiful land of West Texas: I will be back in town. I don't know when, I don't know for how long, but I will come. It is my home, and in the decade I've been gone, I haven't been able to stay away for any longer than 18 months. And when I do come, we are all having supper at a location to be chosen by me. ;-) Get ready! I'll be sure to give you as much advance notice as I can to aid in getting it all figured out.

There are also a couple of my fellow bloggers who are going through some pretty severe difficulties in their lives right now. So severe are these difficulties, they have closed their comments section to their recent posts addressing them. So since I can't offer my own words of encouragement and support on their pages, I'll do it right here. You know who you are. I love you both, and I hope it helps in some small way to know that you are in my thoughts today, and especially my prayers. Blessings!

Did y'all notice that I've been working on my blog's layout? I added a picture to the title bar. Quite appropriate, huh? And what I think is pretty cool about that picture is the fact that I took it!

I'm off to fold laundry, and the Longhorns are kicking off in a few short minutes. Have a wonderful weekend!

Second, third, and four-hundred-thirty-eighth guesses

Have I done the wrong thing? Did I give up too easily? My gut tells me yes, but what can I do now?

I just can't shake the feeling that letting my kids go with their dad to spend the weekend with the woman who willingly and deliberately helped destroy this family (at least in the traditional sense) and he's now living with is...well, corruptive, to say the least.

At this point, it doesn't seem to be too big of a deal with the RK...he's really enjoying getting to see the boy that was his best friend before this all came crashing down on us, and it doesn't really seem to go any further beyond that. But as time goes on, if this 'relationship' between the ex-husband and the ex-friend really does have legs and doesn't come crashing down like I'm desperately hoping it does, will the implications of the situation start adversely affecting RK? Or will it just become 'the way it is,' even though it is so wrong? And will he understand that?

What if he starts feeling like they're more of 'the family' than I am?

I have my mind set that this relationship is going to last a long time. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right? But I just can't possibly imagine something that started with such selfishness, deception, immaturity and depravity having any kind of staying power. Then again, though, this world is indeed depraved, and such a situation has become quite accepted, supported, and even a source of humor. How sick. My faith in humanity has definitely been shaken.

What if the RK thinks that what his dad is doing is not a big deal and starts adopting the same life philosophy as he grows up, despite my efforts to teach him otherwise? I'm thankful that I have sole physical custody in this respect; he's only exposed to this for two out of every fourteen days.

The IX really has no experience or knowledge of what a true father is supposed to be -- teaching morals, lovingly guiding a child to a healthy adulthood, or offering any kind of emotional support when it's needed. When we were still together, I was the moral and emotional connection, and he was either the playmate, or the way-too-strict authoritarian. And it never went beyond that.

And now, I worry about what I'm not hearing about. I sincerely don't believe the IX has any kind of moral compass when it comes to making decisions when it concerns his kids. But what's funny is there's a great litmus test staring him right in the face. If he wants to do something with/concerning/affecting the boys and has any hesitation in telling me or consulting me about it, then it's probably a good idea that he not go down that road.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job at keeping the boys' best interests as the #1 priority, and not exhibiting any sort of spiteful or vengeful behavior directly toward the IX. I could be wrong, though...my perspective isn't exactly the most objective. But he's absolutely convinced that I'm out to turn the boys (at this point, the RK) against him, and I'm deliberately trying to destroy their relationship. I think he's doing a bang-up job of that all on his own, and doesn't need any help from my end. I'm doing my part to try to salvage and nurture this father-sons relationship now that the father has all but destroyed it.

So what of this situation? Letting my boys go stay with their dad and his girlfriend/mistress/their mom's ex-best-friend? I've made it be clearly known with the RK that what his father is demonstrating to him is utterly wrong as wrong can get. But by allowing this situation, are my actions declaring otherwise? Should I have fought this arrangement in court, even though I was advised that the outcome didn't look to go in my favor? I just don't know. And there's no going back now. So am I doing what I need to be doing now that this is the way it is? What am I not doing? What am I doing wrong? I pray that the Lord open my eyes to the truthful answers to these questions.

OK, I feel a little better now. Just had to get that out.

I've managed to completely waste this day. I have done absolutely nothing productive. My butt's been parked on the couch. I have been in this funk today that I just can't shake.

I miss my boys. I hate where they are. It torments me.

I'm desperately trying to get rid of the anger I'm harboring towards the IX for the way he has catastrophically messed up my life, and the fact that he doesn't even really seem to care.

I'm just hiding out today. I'm still in the clothes I slept in last night, with no real desire to get cleaned up, even though I know it would make me feel better. I'd love to get out of the house to see and be seen, but not enough to actually do it.

My phone has remained completely inactive today. I realize all my neighbors are new friends, but I just wish there was one out there who would realize that what I need is for them to take the initiative with me. Take that risk...call me up...invite me over...invite me out...whatever. Why is it that all my life, I've always had to be the one to make that move? Am I really that invisible? Or is it just that I've never really had that kind of person cross my path? And if that's the case, why? How could I have had that rotten of luck all this time?

And to top it all off, the Longhorns lost today. It doesn't really surprise me, though...they've been touch-and-go all season. Bah.

That's all.

I must finish my resume and get it out there. I'm so terrified. This job market sucks. Why in the world would anyone hire me? At least at a job that pays what I need to take care of my family. I MUST do this, since the man who said he'd take care of us has no longer decided he really wants to.

So let's see...I have...one...two...three...22 days before this lameass child support arrangement kicks in and I'm on my own to find a way to come up with more than half of what this household needs to function.

And that means daycare for the IB. Don't EVEN get me started on how I feel about this.

I hate that man. I don't know how he can stand to look at himself in the mirror. How does he sleep at night? So disgusting.

Oh dear Lord, please take care of us! Give me courage. Increase my faith. Ease my mind. Give me everything I need to get this taken care of.

Unloading zone

Boy, do I get bogged down by my surroundings when my boys are gone. It's like I can't stand looking at all the same crap in all the same places around me, only reminding me of all the housework that needs to be done, and how I just don't want to do it. I decide something must be done about this before I'm completely buried in the negative thoughts and feelings of failure & worthlessness that are slowly, stealthily sneaking up behind me, ready to attack.

So my answer? Head to Panera Bread! They too have free wi-fi, ya know. So here I am in an almost empty café, with a wonderful, frothy decaf vanilla latte and my trusty little laptop, which, by the way, I paid off this past week. And without paying a lick of interest to boot. Yeehaw!

The only downside of this is that they close in less than half an hour, and I'm actually contemplating heading towards downtown Ann Arbor, where I know of another café offering free wi-fi that is bound to stay open later than this. And besides, I love downtown Ann Arbor. You just never know what you're going to see. The only thing that worries me is the lack of store-front parking, and let's just say that walking a block or two from the nearest parking garage on a Saturday night with a laptop in my arms doesn't sound all that appealing.

Yeah, OK...I'm not going. At least not downtown.

The IB's first birthday is Monday, and it's actually a source of those ill thoughts I mentioned earlier. Because I'm just not up to having any kind of celebration where I actually invite people over, but then I feel like I'm not doing enough to mark this momentous occasion. In all actuality, there's really no one to invite. First birthdays are usually reserved for extended family, of which I have none. I couldn't get my mom to come help me with the RK's birthday party, so I didn't even bother asking her if she wanted to come for the IB's. I'm thinking right now all I'm going to do is get the IB a little cake to make a mess out of, and the RK and I will celebrate with him. That just seems so incredibly lame, though! At least the IB won't care.

I'm also having a bit of a meltdown as the clock is rapidly ticking down to when I'm finally gonna have to jump back in to the world of the gainfully employed. And you have no idea how this scares the shit out of me, on so many levels. First and foremost, I absolutely, positively am AGAINST putting the IB in daycare. I can't stand the thought of it! And I certainly don't want to have to shell out for it, either! I've made up my mind that I need to have educated myself with all my options and have at least a basic idea of what I'm going to do for this by the time school starts back (Sept. 4). My first choice would be to find a nanny that would come to my home, instead of me having to take the IB to wherever. That way, if the RK gets sick and has to stay home from school, I don't have to miss work. And I don't know if this is true, but it seems that a nanny would be cheaper than a daycare center since there wouldn't be any overhead to pay for. But bringing a virtual stranger into my home like that certainly has its drawbacks, which if you've ever watched any given newsmagazine program, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

My next task before school starts is to somehow put together a résumé that makes me look somewhat intriguing as an employee, even though I have no bachelor's degree, and my last job worth mentioning was waiting tables, which was more than a decade ago. I'm not setting my goals all that high, though. I just want to get something where I can start at the bottom, proving my abilities as I go, steadily working my way up. I only hope it comes as easily as typing the sentence did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, so I'm back home now. I bailed out of Panera and headed to another cafe that said they had free wi-fi, but something was seriously wrong with their router. It was wigging out, and all I could ever get was a local connection. I notified the guy working there, and he told me to reboot. And if that didn't work, he'd reset the router. That didn't work either, so I gave up and came back to the boring old house. Now that I'm here, looking around at my plain white walls, I want to paint. I already have an idea as to what colors I want, and now I just need to put in a call to my oh-so-helpful field manager to get the builders to come fix the nail pops and other new house woes that rare their ugly heads (no pun intended) in the first couple of years. My plan was to try to get the downstairs painted in the fall, anyway...after the temperatures start cooling off and I can open all the windows to eliminate the concentration of paint fumes. Then again, that could make it more interesting...

Think I'll knock out a few pages of A Thousand Splendid Suns.

It's my party...

We've made it through another week. Friday has once again arrived. And the boys are going with their dad again tonight.

And I'm dreading my weekend.

I have nothing to do, and no one to do it with.

I've more or less isolated myself from my neighbors. I think I've been letting my self-doubt and low self-esteem that have been raring their ugly heads get the better of me. Given that we all don't really know each other all that well, it's hard for me to expose the 'real' side of me. I just don't feel like being very social when I feel like I'm doing such a horrible job at life.

Single mom friend #1 that lives down the street from me has found herself someone from one of those online dating sites, and I haven't talked to her in quite a while. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I have quite vocally expressed my doubt about this new relationship she's in....thing are moving way too fast. And when she talks about this guy, there's no excitement in her voice. Yet within about a month or so of their meeting, she had already given him a key to her house. And I think she knows deep down that what I say is true, but has decided to continue on with it. So that's one factor as to why I don't feel comfortable getting in touch with her; that, and knowing that she's probably already got plans with him, anyway.


I haven't talked to single mom friend #2 in weeks and weeks. We've only spent a little bit of time together, and we just haven't been in contact with each other for most of the summer. So I feel very uneasy about contacting her for fear of being rude and insensitive for wanting her to do something with me when I haven't hardly talked to her this summer. Our sons have had kind of a weird relationship, too...they've had a couple of minor misunderstandings that have made things a bit awkward between the two of them. This last item, though, I think is a bigger deal to me than to the boys themselves.

Wow, reading that last paragraph in print makes it quite apparent how silly I'm being. But when I think about actually calling her up, I only think of her telling me she has her son this weekend, or has other plans, and I have to play it off like it's no big deal. And then when she gets all apologetic, with that twinge of pity in her voice, my pathetic-meter shoots through the roof. But really....come on Trish! Stop it! If that's the worst that could happen, it's worth the risk! Suck it up!

My venting is done. I need to go get that sweet little IB up and fed!

By the way...if anyone from the greater southeast Michigan area is reading this, and wants to do something this weekend, email me...maybe we could meet up somewhere!

I'll blog however I want to blog!

Good morning to the blogosphere! My allergies are kicking up a little this morning, and my nose is dripping just enough so it tickles and itches. I hate that. Just thought you might like to know that.

The RK's buddies are already over this morning. Friend (Ba Doozie let me know we need to find a new name for him...I'm open to suggestions.) rang the doorbell not too long after 9:00 this morning, and the RK was still asleep. I hadn't even been up that long at that point. So I sent him on his way, letting him know that I'd have the RK call him when he got up. Then less than an hour later, but a little more appropriate, FriendZ rang the doorbell. So the RK ran upstairs to put some clothes on (he was running around in his tighty-whities) and answered the door. Friend was called, and now the three of them are upstairs in the loft laughing and being generally goofy in front of the XBox.

Right now my Neverending Quest for Self-Improvement is getting to where I don't worry so much about what I blog about, or how. That's a big part of my not posting on here as much as I'd like. I get so caught up worrying about my form, my topics. I get so concerned about how my posts will be received by whoever's out there reading this, that I drive myself crazy. When in all actuality, I created this blog to be more like a traditional diary. It's for me, to write about whatever I want. And if I collect a few readers here and there, then great.

I've always been so bad at keeping a regular diary or journal. It turns out that I really have no desire to write if no one's gonna be reading it. So this weblog thing is right up my alley! I just need to learn to strike a happy medium between writing for me, and writing for y'all.

So it turns out that when I created this blog, of course I go right to seeking out readers. Of course I'd love to have a blog that gets hundreds, or even thousands of hits a day, but when it all comes down to it, I'm happy just knowing I do have just a handful of loyal readers out there. Anything greater than zero will keep me going.

And I need to quit thinking that my blog needs to be like this person's, or like that person's, or that my writing style needs to be more interesting. This is to be whatever I want it, however I want to write it. I do get some great ideas from others' blogs, but ultimately, my blog is to be as unique as I am.

Also, I need to get to where my posts don't take the better part of an hour to publish, and that posting more than once a day is more of a possibility.

OK...got some chores to do. The IB has an appointment with the developmental pediatrician this afternoon as well. The rotten kitties are just about out of cat food, and the library books are due. That's what my day looks like.

Wow...so far so good! This post only took me about twenty minutes.

I got nuthin' for this post's title

I have a rather shameful confession to make. It's my explanation for not posting in a few days. And it might be a reason why I won't post any more often for the next few weeks. I mentioned a while back that I'm really into this season of Big Brother. Well, I cracked. I found myself last Wednesday night punching in my credit card number to start receiving the live feeds of the goings-on in the house which is located on the CBS lot in Los Angeles. So now, my computer time is mostly spent keeping up with all the craziness (oh lordy, you have no idea) that dominates the house this season.

The cool thing about this feature is you get to see it all happen live, learning who wins competitions, hearing the strategy sessions, witnessing people completely lose their minds in this voluntary exile, all before the severely edited episodes are broadcast on TV. It's fun. It passes the time. It gives me an escape of sorts.

So the feeds are suspended right now because from what I could gather, the houseguests are being treated to a big fancy dinner party in the house tonight. The BB powers-that-be aren't letting us watch it live; we'll just have to wait to see it all on a future broadcast episode, I guess. So be it. This gives me a chance to let y'all know I'm still around. (We actually don't get to see competitions or ceremonies on the feeds...they always put up the BB theme music with the same old trivia questions from seasons past. But once the events are over, we learn the results from the ensuing conversations among the houseguests.)

My weekend was very dull. I was so lonely, I just laid around most of the time trying to find any teeninesy bit of motivation within me to do something productive. One thing I'm learning about myself, though, is that if I don't have anyone else around to do anything for, I don't do anything. Being all by myself completely strips away any desire to get anything knocked off my to-do list. It's really quite sad. I'm gonna work on that, though. Sunday I perked up a little bit and got the lawn mowed, along with some inside chores. That baby gate still isn't installed at the bottom of the stairs, so I'm really having to keep a close eye on the IB when he's in free range mode.

Did anyone venture outside last night to catch the peak of the Perseid meteor shower? The RK and I made a rather weak attempt at it before it got too late, but we didn't see much. After he went to bed, I'd step outside from time to time and gaze heavenward, and was finally rewarded close to 2 AM when I saw three shooting stars all within about 15 seconds of each other. The best time to witness it was around 4:00-5:00 AM, and I just wasn't up to that challenge, and certainly the RK wasn't. Even going to bed and setting the alarm was too much to ask of either of us. At least I finally got a little taste of it. All of you dear readers who are located in West Texas (especially you, Bob) should jump at these chances...West Texas is one of the best places in the nation to get away from city lights to behold such wonderful occurences as this!

While I'm on an astronomical topic -- did you know that you can go to the NASA website and find out when you'll be able to spot the space station or the space shuttle in orbit? I've actually done this a couple of times, and it's so cool. It doesn't look like much more than an airplane flying overhead, but you can still tell that it's much further away and going much, much faster. It's pretty amazing to think that there are actually people up there, orbiting this big ol' rock. Oh what I wouldn't give to see the planet from their point of view! Anyway, click on the link, find your city and state, and see when you might have the chance to experience this. And set an alarm clock to remind you...it's so easy to forget about it when the time comes. Definitely one thing that makes this so awesome for me is having a ten-year-old son to do this with. We usually watch all the launches and landings as well, learning more and more about the space program with each event.

I think the best time I spotted the shuttle flying overhead was a couple of years ago, before it had docked with the International Space Station. It was chasing it, catching up to it, so what I saw was two bright not-quite-airplanes-not-quite-shooting-stars cutting a path in the early morning sky. This I did set my alarm for, and looking back on it, I'm so glad I did. I'll keep doing stuff like this every chance I get. I think it's one way to truly soak in and appreciate this amazing age we live in. And who knows where it's gonna go from here?

The shuttle program began when I was a little bit younger than the RK. I remember for the first handful of launches and landings, all the teachers in my school would secure a TV for their classrooms so we could watch. I think it's such a shame that the marvel of it is mostly lost now, and is only reignited when tragedies occur. I'm very grateful to the cable news channels that still break away from their boring, monotonous political drivel to cover the launches and landings. But if even that goes away, thank goodness my dish service carries the NASA channel!

I'm so exhausted. The RK had at least one friend over all day long today, starting at the stroke of 10:00 AM. And for the first time since the RK's birthday, we actually headed down to the pool for a while late this afternoon. And the IB loved it...he's definitely at home in the water. He was so cute in his little swimmy diaper... :) I hope we make it down there a few more times before the season's over.

Oooo, I just started craving some pistachios and a Coke.

My life is pathetic. This really is the most interesting stuff going on in my life right now.

It's a rainy, humid, dreary day again. Fine by me, really...I don't need to worry about watering the grass. My poor little petunias that I've had hanging on my front porch are almost dead, but not quite. I need to go clean out the dead stems to make room for their renaissance, which I'm bound and determined to make happen. Anyway, I took them off their hooks and set them between my burning bushes so the rain can get to them.

I finally couldn't go another day without doing some grocery shopping, so the boys and I headed out on Tuesday. I shopped the sales, going to two different stores, and I even had coupons in hand. All in all, I spent about $176, with my receipts indicating I saved over $45 on sale items and with coupons. SCORE!

I've always been a not-very-good grocery shopper. I'm bad at planning ahead, and also, if I'm not hungry when I go to the store, I won't hardly buy anything at all. My pantry gets to the point where there's tons of stuff in there, but none of it can be put together to make a decent meal. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to get it so my pantry always has a few staples to eat on, thus making it not 'necessary' to go out for fast food.

So I'm quite proud of myself that I did buy so many groceries. I never feel guilty about spending a lot of money if it's at the grocery store, because I know that the more food I buy to eat at home, the less I'll spend on eating out.

Another thing I hate about my grocery purchase and consumption habits: I rarely buy a lot of fresh produce, because I know that the odds aren't in their favor to be eaten before they rot. Growing up, I was never a big fan of fresh fruit or veggies...gimme a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos over an apple anyday. And I think a lot of that has to do with the convenience, or lack thereof, of eating fresh fruit. It's messy, sometimes it's difficult (ex. apples, oranges), and other times you have to time it just right (ex. peaches, plums). I mean, what if I'm not in the mood for a peach when it reaches its peak of ripeness? Or what if I'm craving that peach when it's still hard as a rock? That frustrates me.

As for veggies, I'm getting better. I must admit, though, that most veggies I buy either come in a can, or they're around 0°F. That way, I can fix 'em whenever I want. I love big, fresh tossed salads. I'm thrilled over this latest trend of buying pre-torn lettuce in bags, or other more exotic leafy veggies. I always buy a tomato, cucumber, onion, and green pepper to add to it. And then I make my salad, enjoy it one time, put the rest in a storage container, and then more times than not, it sits in my fridge getting nasty, only to be dumped out a week or more later. Argh.

On Tuesday, I did buy peaches, plums, salad fixin's, strawberries, green grapes, & a baby watermelon. I'm once again renewing my efforts to enjoy the deliciousness of the naturally healthy, unprocessed, perfect-just-the-way-it-is food that God has lovingly given us without letting it spoil. Maybe this time around I'll do a little bit better than the last time I tried. We'll see.

The RK has a couple of his friends over right now. One of them is Friend, and the other is another boy in the same grade. I guess Friend and FriendZ have had some issues before, which Friend's mom filled me in about a little while ago on the phone. So I'm glad to know the circumstances, and I'll be keeping an eye & an ear out for any rise of discord amongst them. I have to admit, though, I love it when the RK has buddies over to help pass the time. I think it's so cool when my driveway is used for bicycle parking. Even I recognize how lame and boring I am, and I'm more than happy to have my house be the designated hang-out house for the RK's friends. I so desperately want the RK to have fond memories of his summers, and lollygagging around with buddies, I think, is up there with the best kind of summer memories a person can have. I don't think it tops spending a summer on the farm with the coolest aunt or grandma, though. Unfortunately, there's no one like that in my family to offer the creation of such memories.

The IB has reached another milestone, which can lead to some hazardous situations. He can now climb the entire flight of stairs in the house! I helped him acquire this skill by putting one of his favorite little toys about three or four steps up, and as he climbs up to it, I keep putting it higher and higher. And he just laughs, and keeps pluggin' along! I think it's saying quite a lot about his personality that he doesn't get frustrated or mad when I keep moving the toy further away. I view that as him having a very determined spirit; he sees this as encouragement, rather than discouragement. And he has fun while working so hard. So for now, I must keep a close eye on him while he's roaming free, and hopefully I'll find the opportunity to put up that baby gate that's been sitting out in the garage for weeks at the bottom of the stairs.

I just heard the dryer stop, so I guess I better go get the load of laundry folded.

Burden? What burden?

The RK just got to bed. After 11:00. But for a pretty good reason, I think. The Diary of Anne Frank came on Turner Classic Movies, and I was suprised when he actually showed interest in watching it with me.

My first year experiencing public school, the seventh grade, we were assigned to read Anne Frank's diary. And I remember watching the movie over a period of days in English class, as well. And it affected me down the core of my soul. I just couldn't fathom going through what this young girl, not much older than I was, got through that time she wrote her diary.

To live in America is to be blessed. No one alive today has borne witness to war fought on our homeland. We are indeed quite priveledged. To live anywhere in Europe during World War II meant to live life day to day in fear. Terror. And today, the fear is torturing hearts of those in the Middle East.

But never here. We are so blessed.

Why? Why are we so lucky? What did we do to deserve living our lives in such peace and calm? And how has it become so easy to take for granted?

I was born during a war fought thousands of miles away. I graduated high school during a war being fought thousands of miles away. And as I type this, part II of this previous war I just mentioned is being fought.

And the only direct affect it has on my day to day life is when I watch the news or read about the latest car bombs, or suicide bombers, or the updated tally of American servicemen killed. But the end credits roll, I fold up the newspaper, I close my laptop, and my mind effortlessly moves on to other things...what, out of the relative multitude of choices I have sitting in my pantry or my freezer (which consistently has power, by the way) shall I fix for dinner? Why won't my grass turn green? Uh oh...the IB's into the cat food again. Oh no, the gas prices are pushing $3/gallon again.

Please.

Why am I so lucky to live such a life, and millions of my fellow members of the human race aren't? Is it really just luck of the draw? I came into existence in the USA, while some other 34-year-old woman who is mourning the loss of her innocent children, or her husband, or is now learning to do life with a missing appendage...is doing so just because she happened to come into existence in Iraq? Or Afghanistan? Or Darfur?

And how is it that we have become so complacent?

None of us deserve the charmed lives we lead. It all comes down to luck of location.

I have a bit of a weird confession to make. Bear with me....

I'm so glad I experienced 9/11. I'm not glad it happened, but I'm glad to have witnessed it. My generation was the epitome of complacency and entitlement before that day. We had lived in relative luxury compared to the majority of the rest of the world. And that day was our wake-up call. It woke us all up, but only briefly, I think. Just a mere six years after the fact, we've already fallen right back into the sleep of entitlement again. Oh, how this country is divided over the war in Iraq. And sadly, the division is way far from being down the middle...in the wrong direction.

And really...why was it so shocking and horrifying to us? I mean, yeah, it's horrible that we lost almost 3000 people that day, but in so many other locations on this earth, that's everyday. How is that we don't give these fellow humans a few moments of our attention, but when it happens to us, we get mad? Why aren't we getting mad for them? When it comes down to it, we're no better than they are. We have two arms and two legs just like they do. We have hearts...that break. So do they. We laugh, we cry. They do as well. Who's getting mad for their horrific and senseless deaths?

Here's what I think: Politics aside, if there's anything we can do in our power, or anything we can share with our brothers and sisters in countries that don't have the rights to life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness, it's our duty to do whatever we can to help them acquire such lives of their own. How in the world can these noisy people get away with trying to convince anyone who will listen that it's OK to stand by and let fellow humans suffer through such horrific and unimaginable persecution? Our sons and daughters are dying for a lost cause...well, so are Iraqi sons and daughters...civilians. They're just innocent victims of that location curse. And we should just let it happen? God bless those servicemen who are risking their lives, and sadly, giving their lives as well, to try to create a way of life in Iraq that they have already been blessed with. They have willingly decided to give up that way of life here in the United States to go fight for this. They are indeed heroes.

I want to be a hero as well. Not one that is cheered and applauded...but one who quietly makes a difference. I've done nothing to deserve this life of luxury I lead. And all those in this world who are living in abject poverty and political persecution have done nothing to deserve their way of life, either. I feel overwhelmed thinking about how I could contribute, but I know that God will lead me. And I hope I feel led into more than just donating money. While necessary, and a huge sacrifice in its own right, giving money is still so detached and....well, easy. I mean really...what am I really gaining from sitting on my comfy couch with a nice cold drink by my side as I sign a check? What am I really giving of myself when I make the stroll down to the mailbox and raise the little flag? I want to bear first-hand witness to change that I helped create. And for me, giving money just won't cut it.

It is such a shame that Anne Frank couldn't live to see the impact that her little red-checked diary made on the entire world. But then again, would it have been such an impact if she had survived the concentration camp? Whatever the case, it's comforting to know that what appear to be such senseless deaths can inspire and create movements of good in their wake. As long as those of us left behind to witness it don't harden ourselves to it.

Behold, the perfect strategy, the textbook form

Take notes, you ultimate procrastinator wannabes...I wrote the book. I am the Queen. The Champion. The unanimous GPP...Grand Poobah of Procrastination.

Jimmy's Blogathon efforts has made the perfect excuse today. I've been popping in on him all day today, and thankfully now, the sun has quit torturing his live webcam shot. He's a crazy, yet wonderful guy to put himself through so much stress and turmoil to raise a big ol' chunk of change for Midland Fair Havens. I have to admit, though, it looks like fun. At least at this point it does. I don't know how I'd be feeling at 3:00 in the morning with still 5 more hours to go. 30 feet in the air. Yikes. Have pity on him...pop in on him and throw some money his way. With what he's going through, it's the least we can do!

I have done some productive things today. For the first time in about six weeks, I got the grass cut. My neighbors and I have been have a hell of a time getting it to grow, given that it's only year-old sod, and we haven't been getting very much rain. The sun has beat down on it mercilessly, and even the best looking lawns around the neighborhood are patchy green at the very best. My front yard looks pretty good, I was surprised to notice. I just knew that once I cut the grass out there, that all the brown patches would show through a lot more, but not so! It actually borders on lush! The back and the south side of the house is another story, though.

So after mowing around noon today, I managed to waste away the afternoon following Jimmy some more, snoozing in front of the Tigers game, messing around with the garden hose outside (not necessarily in that order). I finally jumped in the shower around 5:00-ish, which was much needed after mowing. Now I've been slowly but surely getting the downstairs cleaned up. Kitchen is done. Sweeping is done. All the dining area furniture has been lugged into the living room so I can mop.

And here I sit.

See? I'm so good at proctrastinating, it's disgusting.

After mopping I still would like to run the vacuum as well.

There's a meet & greet at the neighbor's tonight, and I really don't feel all that much like going. I didn't RSVP, for one thing, so I don't want to be rude by showing up unexpectedly. Side dishes or desserts were also requested, and I don't have anything to bring.

Being the social butterfly I am, it's really odd that I don't have a huge interest in going. That I'm staying at home to clean of all things, when there's a party going on! WTF? I guess it's just more evidence of how going through this divorce has affected me.

I dunno...maybe after a while I'll throw on some makeup and mozy down there. One thing I could offer is the better part of a case of beer. That might facilitate my welcome.

Let's see...what else can I talk about to drag out my mopping the floor....

Eh...I got nothin'. Guess I better go put on my washerwoman hat.

Later!

Trudging on

I feel like my summer is wasting away. It just hit me that it is now July. The excited anticipation that comes with June is done and gone.

We haven't even been to the local Dairy Queen yet. That must be remedied soon.

A while back, my neighbor two doors down had a gorgeous deck built and no longer had need for the little wooden steps that had previously been underneath his back door. So he came and knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted them. Of course!

So now we are able to use our back door to get out to the relative expanse of our back yard. With absolutely nothing in it. And I don't have any clue what to put back there to make it useable. I want a deck or patio so bad I can taste it, but definitely don't have the funds to make that happen.

The RK doesn't have much excitement for playing sports. At least with just his parents. I'd love to go throw the baseball with him and his years-old-but-still-brand-new hardly-used mitt, but he poopoos the idea. And the soccer ball. And the football (and yes, his mama could show him how to throw a pretty decent spiral).

We've spent the entire day indoors today. And it was an absolutely perfect day. The evening was gorgeous. I noticed those incredible thunderclouds building to the east, where they're dark and ominous on the bottom, and bright, white-pink and puffyfluffy all the way up to the top. I only stayed briefly to marvel, and did not even summon my children to come and enjoy it with me. That's what I mean when I say the summer is wasting away. I desperately hope and pray that wasn't my last opportunity for the season.

I'm not really in the mood to see and be seen. I had fun at the neighbor's last night, and I'm glad I went, but today, I just want to mope. So maybe that's why I'm sun-deprived today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I survived the 29 or so hours my kids were gone. It's so amazing to me how such small little bodies can fill up a house. It felt strange to only carry my cell phone up to bed with me and no baby monitor. But I have to admit, it felt amazing to sleep in past 10:00 the next morning!

I found out some very interesting information concerning the text exchange I relayed to y'all in my last post. And just like my inital reaction to the texts themselves, I don't really quite know what to make of this.

It was very out of character for the IH to utter such words of encouragement. I mean, throughout this whole ordeal, he has been totally incapable of saying anything...and I mean ANYTHING...nice, uplifting, or encouraging to me. He has expressed on numerous occasions, ever since this affair started, that he would be so happy if I decided to just go away and leave the kids with him. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not embellishing, I'm not misconstruing.

I have never felt so worthless in all my life.

Hence my text to him about having someone else write those texts to me.

So Tuesday night, he comes and picks up the kids, and here I am, left all alone in this big empty house, not knowing what the hell to do with myself.

Soon after the IH drives off (in his less-than-24-hours hold brand new Nissan SUV), SH texts me to see if she can come hang out with me for a bit, and I say sure. We start talking about all this, and she says, "Trish, I have to level with you. I called [the IH] at work today."

After my meltdown the day before, she was pretty freaked, and bless her heart, she felt compelled to intervene on my behalf.

She said she thinks of me as family.

It's two days later, and even thinking about it now dampens my eyes.

The fact that she felt compelled to take this on herself and get involved to such an extent means the absolute world to me. Because I have no one else. No family. All of my neighbors are new friends of mine, and getting to that level of familiarity, intimacy, and willingness to involve oneself is a long, drawn-out, no-guarantees process.

I remember right after we brought the IB home from the NICU, SH came over to meet him. I told her how my mom was planning on cutting her trip short because my step-dad was making it sound like he was about to die with her gone. And I remember crying, saying, "Who do I have to go to the mat for me?" And that was one of the few times I've seen her cry. It's nice to know I have such a dear friend that will go to the mat for me. And I just hope that I'm able to fully express my appreciation and compensate her over the coming days, weeks, years.

Not reciprocate. Just compensate.

OK...that's enough. I've got to stop thinking about it. I don't want to get dragged down again. At least not like Monday. I'm doing much better right now, but still not too motivated. Just don't want to make it any worse. This fragility is driving me crazy. I hate this. Again...what a waste of these days of my life.

So the boys seemed to do just fine at the love shack. I'm glad to get that initial send-off behind me. The IH is taking the kids again for the weekend. Oh Lord...two whole nights without my babies! What a hodgepodge of emotions...excitement for getting to hang up my responsibility for a while, yet the hole that comes with their absence. Not to mention the worry about the atmosphere around there that they're entering into.

Oh, how I loved seeing that precious little toothy grin last night when the IB leaned into my arms!

To end this post on a happy note-
Last night while we were all gathered to watch the fireworks show behind the neighbors' houses across the street, I got to chatting with my next-door neighbor. Here's what he said to me: "You know J's cousin? The one who helped him bring those steps over to your back door? He's got such a crush on you."

I don't really even remember what he looks like, even though I think I might've been introduced to him while walking by one day a few weeks ago. How cool, though. Does my self-image a world of good.

Seeking relief

Oh, I've found myself this afternoon just all tied up in knots. I am such an emotional wreck. I just want to go crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head and be alone. The IB's taking a nap right now, and I know that won't last as long as I would like. He'll be needing his mommy all too soon, and I just don't feel up to trying to force myself to be the loving, attentive, happy mommy he needs and deserves. But I'll do it, because I have to. And because I love that sweet little thing so much. And because I know that while it's hard to imagine being able to summon the strength I need for him, it always ends up being easier than I thought once I see that beautiful little smile.

The house is still a mess. I just can't seem to summon the determination I need to tackle it. And it's hanging around my neck like that good ol' literary albatross.

The IH wants to take the kids for July 4th. To the homewrecker's sister's house (she and her two kids became very close friends of mine as well, and I haven't seen them since Christmas 2005) for a BBQ and fireworks. He told me his plans via a text message sent on Saturday, and I haven't responded yet. I know I need to give my approval, but I'm having such a hard time uttering the words.

I hope it's an awkward day, at best. Well, only for the grown-ups. I want my absence to hang over them like the blackest, thickest, most suffocating cloud of WRONG ever felt.

And for the RK, well, I just don't know. I'm happy that he's excited to see his old friend again. And for his sake, I am a tiny bit relieved that I have given in. I hated being such a huge source of discontent with him. Even though he won't be able to understand why I had this position until he's much, much older.

But not knowing how this will play out has me messed up. And not knowing if he'll ultimately have to go through this all again, giving up this friendship for the pathetic reason of the adults not being able to act like adults. Again.

Does this mean I have to start letting this little boy come over for playdates, or will I yet again be a source of unfair discontent when I inform the RK that he will only be able to see this friend while he's with his dad? It's not fair for him to have a friend only when he's with his dad. But right now I just can't stand the idea of having any part of that section of my past anywhere around my present. And I can't stand the thought that it might hurt the RK in any way.

Oh, I just want that part of his life to be done and over with. In the past. Let's please move on. Why must I continue to be tortured by this evil, selfish woman and what she did to me? And to the RK?

Why must I be the one to summon the superhuman strength to make up for the disgraceful weaknesses of my Idiot Husband and the Homewrecking Whore? It just seems impossible to continually be 'the bigger person' and remain objective; always, without fail, doing what's best for the sakes of my babies. And what makes this even harder is that I'm not exactly sure this is the right thing.

This haunts me. Teases me. Tortures me. Paralyzes me. I desperately want this pit in my stomach to go away. I am so tired of it.

I desperately want something to be happy about. To rejoice in. To celebrate. I am so tired of being sad. Angry. Hurt. Destroyed. I'm wasting valuable time feeling like this, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I have no control over it. It has taken control of me. And I HATE that.

I'm trying to focus on the opportunity I'll have to not be responsible for my kids for a little while. I desperately need a break from them. Just some time to myself without a birthday party looming over me. Just nothing. No kids. Nothing. Being able to do whatever I want.

OK...that's all. I need to pull myself together. Hopefully spilling some of this out will help.

Thanks for listening, guys.

Caution: Nuclear meltdown imminent

Boy, I'm really wishing right now I had nothing else to do but loll around the house and watch tennis. England's best hope for a Wimbledon title (and really, he's not anymore, but the fans still love him), Tim Henman, is battling back from losing his first two sets in tiebreaks. He's won the third set, and is way ahead in the fourth. I love tennis. This one's heading to a fifth set, and I can't sit and watch it! DAMMIT!

I hate having the weight of the world on my shoulders. Summer's supposed to be for no worries, lazy days, the only priority being what time to head to the pool. Instead, I'm freaking out about my divorce, my kids' wellbeing in the mess of it, and worrying about what's going to happen in the future.

Curse that man.

I did get a big piece of good news this morning when the guy from the property management company called me, and when I asked him if I could get into the clubhouse tonight to start decorating and setting up, he said sure, after the sales office closes. Yippee!!! That's huge for me...frees up a lot of my day tomorrow before the party.

I so shouldn't be sitting here. I've got so many other things to do before this conference. Like shower. I stink. Or as I would say to the IB, "I'm tinky!" And I need to go get the IB's diaper bag stocked and ready to go.

Off I go...

Convoy in my back yard

Another night. My precious babies are all tucked into their cozy beddy-byes...well, they're not tucked in, because it's so damn hot up there they're sleeping under no covers. Can't open the windows because our house is right next to a major road. And due to construction down the road at our interstate on/off ramps, where there are also three, yes count 'em THREE truck stops, those big rigs are now making their detours at all hours of the night right under my babies' windows. Damn jake brakes...

The truck stop thing is actually kinda nice. The gas there is usually $0.20/gal. cheaper than anywhere else. No kidding. Dealing with all the truck traffic is worth it in my book. Right now with all this construction, though, I'm about to go insane.

And I want to know who the brilliant shmuck is who timed this construction to be before they fixed the bridge that's been out on the road that's the best way for us to get to town, and the only logical detour for people that live right around here! Tell me, please, so I can go egg his house! It might take me a little longer, though, because I have to take the freakin' scenic route.

Let me clarify that a little bit. A bridge crossing a little creek on the best road for us to get north of here has been torn down, and the road has been a dead end for about the past year until the county can come up with the money to build a new one. We hardly got to use it after we moved in. So there is another road about 1 1/2 miles away that is a pretty decent alternative, at least distance-wise. It's really no longer than taking the now dead-end road. But the only disadvantage is that's where the highway interchange is, and those aforementioned truck stops. And yes, many, many eighteen wheelers.

So we're getting a brand new shiny interchange to get on and off the freeway with. And while they are making this 'improvement to your highways for your convenience,' this road is now down to two piddly little lanes, which us regular folk must share with these monstrosities of vehicles. What would normally take me about ten minutes under normal conditions (well, maybe close to five minutes if that bridge wasn't still out) took me about 20-25 minutes today, and we were excruciatingly late to the IB's physical therapy appointment today.

HEY!!! WAKE UP!!!

Sorry...I noticed you had dozed off there. This post may be quite dry, but it's rude to snore while reading a blog. Yo mama would be ashamed!

so....

...anyway...

Tomorrow's my settlement conference with the judge. And the IH. This should be interesting. While I'm dreading it like a bikini wax, mostly I'm just pissed I have to deal with it tomorrow when I'm trying to get ready to throw a birthday party for my firstborn the very next day.

I don't even have anything nice to wear to it. I have the outfit I bought for the wedding reception, but it's sleeveless. I think I'm just gonna wear the black pants from it with a white long-sleeved button-down shirt. The shirt's from before my massive weight loss, and is probably 2-3 sizes too big. I figure I can get away with it, though. I really don't care, anyway. It's not like I've had the time to even think about going shopping. And what does it really matter, anyway? How I'm dressed will have absolutely no bearing on tomorrow's events. I might as well just go in a tank top and shorts. At least I'd physically be comfortable.

I don't want to go to that courthouse tomorrow. If there was ever a time I wish I could clone myself, this is it.

I still have a little bit of stuff to do to get ready for the party. Most of the stuff is bought, but there's still a few more things I need. Hopefully tomorrow after this stupid hearing thing, I'll have the chance to run get the RK a birthday present. That's the hardest thing, given that he's always with me. So while he's at the neighor's tomorrow would be the perfect chance.

OK, I'm tired. That's it.

My version of Tuesday

One little bit of more depressing divorce shit, and then I'll move on. I'm still tied up in knots about this whole parenting time thing. For my kids' sakes, I hope the IH is right, and I'm wrong. I'm dreading this settlement hearing on Thursday, and I have a feeling I'll be sitting out in front of the courthouse puffing away on my little cancer sticks as long as I possibly can before having to go in.

I absolutely hate that man for what he's done to this family.

OK, that's all. At least for this post.

I miss my beautiful lawn of last year. Brand new sod looks so good, and now that it's a year old, I'm having the worst time getting it nice and green and lush. One thing I am glad about is that we had a second water meter installed last year, so we're not paying for sewage for the water we use outside of the house. But getting out to water is often very time-consuming. Getting those little sprinklers placed and aimed right can be a pain in the ass. I watered some last night, and I'm gonna try to go douse the yard again tonight. The lawnmower needs to be fired up again as well.

Yeehaw! Wimbledon has started! Or to really embrace the culture, "Jolly good!" So for the next two weeks, my TV will have nothing but glorious grass court tennis on it. Much to the RK's dismay. Eh...he's got the TV in the loft. Tennis just doesn't seem to be as exciting now that Andre Agassi's gone. Heck, I'm still missing Pete Sampras. I'll still watch though, and keep hoping the US will have a couple of their up-and-coming players fill these men's ginormous tennis shoes.

Wow, the IB's taking a good nap today! It's almost 4:00 right now, and he's been down since around 1:00. Well, I guess our little foray to the pool this morning can explain that. Man, that water felt so good. We're heading out again in a little while to get more stuff for the birthday party. (I say "again" because we went out yesterday and hit the dollar store and the party supply store to get a jump on the supplies.) Gotta hit Sam's, 'cuz the IB is almost out of formula. Then might go scope out the GFS to get an idea of what kind of munchies to have at the party. I've never been in there, and I hear it's wonderful.

Speaking of the IB...he has a new trick! He waves. Just his four little fingers, on both hands. I'll tell him to wave, and he waves both hands! SO PRECIOUS! And he finally started crawling, and is into everything. I can't keep my CD's stacked in the shelf anymore...he loves pulling them out. And suppertime is always fun...I have to use two spoons. One for me and one for him. Sometimes two for him and none for me. Food very often winds up in his hair and other interesting places. He is such a happy kid, though. He adds so much joy to this house, and I'm so glad he's here.

Uh oh...sounds like he's awake! I can hear him kicking the rails of his crib through the ceiling. Sweet thing...