My, how the times have changed

Remember this? One of my favorite parts:

"I'm so afraid [the RK]'s going to start liking it better with his dad, too. Last weekend, they went out to eat at Red Lobster. The RK has been begging me to go out to eat there, and I always say no because it's so expensive. They go to the pool at the fancy-shmancy health club they belong to. And Lord knows what else. Their father has no concept of how not to spend money, while things around here are pretty tight."

And remember this?

This man [the IX] has gone hog-wild spending money to the point it makes me wonder if he has some sort of undisclosed source of income. I mentioned in passing a few posts back that he had bought a new car. A brand new 2007 Nissan Pathfinder. This is his third new car in as many years. But this particular type of vehicle he needs now. After all, he now has as many as four kids to haul around. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a Sirius satellite radio box under the front passenger seat. And this last time, he had a bike rack installed on the back. (I asked him if he had a bike now, and he said, no, it's just for the kids's bikes. But then the RK mentioned the other day that his dad and she ride bikes with the kids, too. And after some questioning, it was quite evident that these bikes were not rented.) Oh yes...he went to the Tim & Faith concert, too. (OK...I'll let that one slide...I went to the Rascal Flatts concert the following week.) And not to mention the new shoes I've seen him in, new clothes, etc. And oh yes...he received some sort of new credit card in the mail here at the house not too long ago. I wonder if there was one in there with her name on it, too.

I need to let it go. He's digging his own grave, and I just need to summon the patience to wait for it to all come caving in on him. No, actually, I just need to

LET.

IT.

GO."

The RK had a Cub Scout meeting last night, and the IX came and took him. They got back a little after 8:00, just as I was about to go put the IB in bed. The IX asked if he could talk to me for a minute, and I send the boys upstairs. Here's how the conversation went:

IX: "Would it be at all possible for you to let me have back a child support payment?"

Me: "No, I really can't. I'm really struggling to get these mortgage payments made. And the fringe expenses are hurting me right now...clothes for the boys, trombones, that sort of thing."

IX: "OK. Then do you have any cash you'd let me have to go get some gas?"

Me: "No, I have no cash. But you can go fill up on my credit card, I guess."

IX: "Thanks. I'll be right back. Now I'll be able to come this weekend to take [the RK] to sell popcorn (for Cub Scouts)."

In the time I've been away from here, the IX had to file for bankruptcy. That Pathfinder proved itself to be not that great of an idea, and he had to default on the lease. (He showed up driving a brand new Honda Civic, though. And I learned later on that he got two Civics...his & hers.) Then when Nissan wanted all the money he owed them, he had to file. I had to run to the Secretary of State to put the title to my car in my name. And he's been swamped in lawyer fees, etc.

He actually backed out on taking the boys a couple of weekends ago "for financial reasons," according to his text message.

Now my financial situation isn't comfortable, but it certainly isn't anywhere close to his. I've actually been mulling over the idea of becoming an eB@y regular. Or Cr@igslist. There's all kinds of Indycar memorabilia in the basement that the IX brought home over the years, that I bet I could get a pretty good chunk of coin for. And in my mind, I've always thought that I would just go down there and do it, not telling the IX or giving him an opportunity to take any of it.

But out of the goodness of my heart, last night I offered him the chance to do just that. He didn't sound too excited about the notion, and then he said he's working on getting a night job at that delivery company that have the big brown trucks. I told him that while I don't have much to offer financially, one thing I will do is take over the RK's Cub Scout activities if the IX will have to be at work.

Even if I was able to, I wouldn't give him money. I'm working so hard to get on my own feet financially, and the way I see it, my giving him money would be a bail-out. I thought I was more than generous in letting him fill his tank on my credit card, but it sounds like the IX might not have been able to make it to work if I hadn't, let alone come pick up the RK this weekend. And one thing's for sure...I'll help him make sure he keeps that job. Because it'll have serious repercussions for us if he loses it.

But ya know what? This feels good. Heh. I know I know, that's not very nice. But I'm a big believer in "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it." So seeing his careless and frivolous spending habits finally catch up to him is quite a reward for me. Seriously, though...I hope he learns some better habits from it all.

Gotta run get ready for work.

Second, third, and four-hundred-thirty-eighth guesses

Have I done the wrong thing? Did I give up too easily? My gut tells me yes, but what can I do now?

I just can't shake the feeling that letting my kids go with their dad to spend the weekend with the woman who willingly and deliberately helped destroy this family (at least in the traditional sense) and he's now living with is...well, corruptive, to say the least.

At this point, it doesn't seem to be too big of a deal with the RK...he's really enjoying getting to see the boy that was his best friend before this all came crashing down on us, and it doesn't really seem to go any further beyond that. But as time goes on, if this 'relationship' between the ex-husband and the ex-friend really does have legs and doesn't come crashing down like I'm desperately hoping it does, will the implications of the situation start adversely affecting RK? Or will it just become 'the way it is,' even though it is so wrong? And will he understand that?

What if he starts feeling like they're more of 'the family' than I am?

I have my mind set that this relationship is going to last a long time. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right? But I just can't possibly imagine something that started with such selfishness, deception, immaturity and depravity having any kind of staying power. Then again, though, this world is indeed depraved, and such a situation has become quite accepted, supported, and even a source of humor. How sick. My faith in humanity has definitely been shaken.

What if the RK thinks that what his dad is doing is not a big deal and starts adopting the same life philosophy as he grows up, despite my efforts to teach him otherwise? I'm thankful that I have sole physical custody in this respect; he's only exposed to this for two out of every fourteen days.

The IX really has no experience or knowledge of what a true father is supposed to be -- teaching morals, lovingly guiding a child to a healthy adulthood, or offering any kind of emotional support when it's needed. When we were still together, I was the moral and emotional connection, and he was either the playmate, or the way-too-strict authoritarian. And it never went beyond that.

And now, I worry about what I'm not hearing about. I sincerely don't believe the IX has any kind of moral compass when it comes to making decisions when it concerns his kids. But what's funny is there's a great litmus test staring him right in the face. If he wants to do something with/concerning/affecting the boys and has any hesitation in telling me or consulting me about it, then it's probably a good idea that he not go down that road.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job at keeping the boys' best interests as the #1 priority, and not exhibiting any sort of spiteful or vengeful behavior directly toward the IX. I could be wrong, though...my perspective isn't exactly the most objective. But he's absolutely convinced that I'm out to turn the boys (at this point, the RK) against him, and I'm deliberately trying to destroy their relationship. I think he's doing a bang-up job of that all on his own, and doesn't need any help from my end. I'm doing my part to try to salvage and nurture this father-sons relationship now that the father has all but destroyed it.

So what of this situation? Letting my boys go stay with their dad and his girlfriend/mistress/their mom's ex-best-friend? I've made it be clearly known with the RK that what his father is demonstrating to him is utterly wrong as wrong can get. But by allowing this situation, are my actions declaring otherwise? Should I have fought this arrangement in court, even though I was advised that the outcome didn't look to go in my favor? I just don't know. And there's no going back now. So am I doing what I need to be doing now that this is the way it is? What am I not doing? What am I doing wrong? I pray that the Lord open my eyes to the truthful answers to these questions.

OK, I feel a little better now. Just had to get that out.

I've managed to completely waste this day. I have done absolutely nothing productive. My butt's been parked on the couch. I have been in this funk today that I just can't shake.

I miss my boys. I hate where they are. It torments me.

I'm desperately trying to get rid of the anger I'm harboring towards the IX for the way he has catastrophically messed up my life, and the fact that he doesn't even really seem to care.

I'm just hiding out today. I'm still in the clothes I slept in last night, with no real desire to get cleaned up, even though I know it would make me feel better. I'd love to get out of the house to see and be seen, but not enough to actually do it.

My phone has remained completely inactive today. I realize all my neighbors are new friends, but I just wish there was one out there who would realize that what I need is for them to take the initiative with me. Take that risk...call me up...invite me over...invite me out...whatever. Why is it that all my life, I've always had to be the one to make that move? Am I really that invisible? Or is it just that I've never really had that kind of person cross my path? And if that's the case, why? How could I have had that rotten of luck all this time?

And to top it all off, the Longhorns lost today. It doesn't really surprise me, though...they've been touch-and-go all season. Bah.

That's all.

Remember me?

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Matthew 6: 25-27

Just wanted to let anyone out there know that I'm still around, and hanging in there. Sorry I haven't posted in over a week. I've been spending my computer time searching job listings and applying...I'd guess I'm up to somewhere close to 25 resumes being sent out. I applied with the UM temp pool, so hopefully they'll get my app processed this week and they'll find me something on campus somewhere if hell doesn't freeze over and I'm not offered a permanent job right off the bat. My resume is also posted on M0nster.com as well as the local job search agent, and I've applied for a handful of jobs from those sites.

The fear and anxiety is really starting to take hold, because I have now sponged off my ex-husband for the last time. And for my grand finale, I really cleaned him out. So hopefully I can get some of my cc balances shrunk, and perhaps pay my lawyer some of the balance I owe her. But as for the mortgage payment coming up, and other bills I can't stand the thought of being late or delinquent on, I have no idea what's gonna happen.

I've also been researching the procedures for getting on WIC and food stamps. It's a shot to the ego, for sure, but there's no way I'm gonna let my babies go hungry. I'm calling DishNet. today to bump our channel package way down, and I think I might even give their new satellite-based internet access a try. It's a lot cheaper than what I'm paying for cable access.

The RK is home sick today. He's acquired another one of his coughs that sounds like an old, sick dog gasping his last breaths. The last time this happened, he never really got sick, and the cough started loosening up the next day. Hopefully it'll remain true to form. He's probably good to go to school, but I don't think his teacher would think so if she could hear him. So he's got a free day today.

Allrighty then...looks like the IB is done with his canned peach half and he's ready to terrorize my living room. For those of y'all that are of the prayin' kind, remember me, wouldja?

Oh yeah...on the update & the "Yay me!" fronts, I got my new printer installed, and it's one of those that has the flatbed scanner for making copies and sending faxes. And the bonus of it all is....my print server works with it! Which means I can get something printed without having to haul the laptop into the other room and plug it in to the printer. I can keep my little butt parked right here on the couch, expel all the effort it takes to click on the "print" button, and after a few seconds, I hear the printer kick into action in the other room! THAT'S SO COOL!

I must finish my resume and get it out there. I'm so terrified. This job market sucks. Why in the world would anyone hire me? At least at a job that pays what I need to take care of my family. I MUST do this, since the man who said he'd take care of us has no longer decided he really wants to.

So let's see...I have...one...two...three...22 days before this lameass child support arrangement kicks in and I'm on my own to find a way to come up with more than half of what this household needs to function.

And that means daycare for the IB. Don't EVEN get me started on how I feel about this.

I hate that man. I don't know how he can stand to look at himself in the mirror. How does he sleep at night? So disgusting.

Oh dear Lord, please take care of us! Give me courage. Increase my faith. Ease my mind. Give me everything I need to get this taken care of.

Adventures in Babyproofing

Whew, I finally got that baby gate installed at the bottom of the stairs this morning. And what an unbelievable ordeal that was! I can't remember if I mentioned this earlier, and I just don't feel like going back right now to check, but I ended up not installing the one I bought months and months ago. It was one that mounts directly into the wall with screws, and as I was reading the instructions, I discovered that the gate wouldn't fit properly if the bottom mounts were to go into a baseboard. And the bottom edges of each stair is nothing but baseboard. Great.

So Sunday afternoon, I shlepped all the way over to the baby supply store and bought a pressure-mounted gate (along with some serious IB-spoilage). Without having measured the width of the staircase beforehand. So I get the gate home, and realize there are gaps each the size of the Grand Canyon on either side of the gate when I stand it up at the bottom of the stairs. I get online to see if they make an extension for this particular model of gate, and they do.

Skip to Monday. The boys and I head all the way back over to the same store and pick up one of those extensions. For the paltry amount of $14.99. With the extension, the gate should just be wide enough to fit properly.

WRONG! It's still not wide enough. The RK and I had decided to go out to eat to celebrate the IB's birthday, so back to the baby store we went before dinner. I picked up yet another gate extension, making the whole gate mechanism set me back $80 plus tax. Boy, do I feel like a shmuck. The gate is up, fully functional, though...

...which I discovered another problem with having this gate up at the bottom of the stairs. My good-for-nothing, lazy, annoying cats. Their litter box is upstairs in the laundry room. And they don't jump that high. They won't jump over this gate. They won't even try. They'll sit at the bottom of the stairs, whichever undesirable side of the gate they're on, and moan and wail until I come open it for them. So not only did I shell out enough money for this gallderned gate that would pay for more than five months' worth of the live feed of Big Brother 8, I now must leave it open when the IB's not in free range mode for those pesky felines. (Don't you love my sense of priority? And yes, I realize that a season of Big Brother does not even last five months.)

Now I must tell you about dinner last night. We had decided to go eat a big ol' steak at Outback. As we exit the freeway, we notice that all the traffic lights are out. So we pull into the shopping center where the restaurant is, and sure enough, the whole strip is black. Even the other plethora of stores across the street from this shopping center were in the dark. So the restaurant was closed, needless to say. I search for 'steakhouses' on the handy-dandy GPS, and nothing nearby jumps out at us as appealing. So I punch up the 'all food' heading, and a really cool bbq/sports bar-oriented restaurant known as Damon's comes up. And it's far enough way that I can be reasonably certain they have not fallen victim to this blackout, but still only about a 5-10 minute drive from our current location. So off we go...

And the RK instantly fell in love with this place once we were led to our table and he discovered that we had our own little speaker for the TV which could be tuned to any one of the four channels airing on the ginormous projection screens taking up an entire wall of the dining room. I've never seen this kid so excited! And now to place the cherry on top of this sundae of dining nirvana -- the waiter told him that Wednesdays are kids' night. Kids' meals are only 99¢, and instead of ESPN and FSN on the TV's, it's Cartoon Network and Nick. I thought he was gonna go into fits and convulsions of excitedness. It was really quite amusing. He's definitely circling a Wednesday sometime very, extremely soon on the calendar to take advantage of this. And actually, I'm looking forward to taking him. It should be fun, given that I love cartoons, too. Except Fairly Oddparents. That show annoys the heck outta me. Now some good ol' Looney Toons on Boomerang would be just the ticket for me.

We both ordered steak (and I love any restaurant that has steak on the kids' menu), and savored every bite. Even the IB wolfed down the teeny tiny pieces of steak I prepared for him. He cried and fussed pretty much the rest of the time before and after we ate, but that part he definitely enjoyed. Maybe it was because by this time it was getting late (way after 8:00), but I've decided to blame it on the guy sitting on the upper level just above us smoking a big ol' nasty stinky cigar. There was another family sitting not too far from us that also didn't seem too pleased. P-U.

So that was what transpired on the IB's birthday. It wasn't as exciting as what his dad and his other family did for him...they all went to Chuck E. Cheese's, had balloons, hats, the whole bit. The IX sent me the pictures. So I'm feeling pretty lame about that. And hurt. And disgusted. I didn't even take a single picture yesterday. *sigh*

All right, this post is about to take me an hour to create. So that's enough for now.

Passing the time

This is a dark, rainy, chilly, dreary Sunday morning. I slept in until 10:00, and I was shocked when I rolled over to look at the clock! I need to do some more housecleaning today, and I absolutely, positively have to go to the grocery store to buy diapers. There's not a single unused diaper in this house. Whoopsie!

These weekends I have to myself are a lesson for me. A lesson in being alone, and figuring out how to be content with that. I love socializing, I love hanging out with others. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm all alone, and the loneliness can overwhelm me. I'm working on it, though.

Last night it got the better of me, though, and around 9:30 I took off to the local Borders bookstore. I decided to pick up a copy of A Thousand Splendid Suns on the recommendation of Jimmy, as well as Happily Ever After: Walking with Peace and Courage Through a Year of Divorce by Kristin Armstrong, Lance Armstrong's ex-wife. I remember seeing her on some morning talk show plugging her book a while back, and I was very pleased to come across it last night.

I mentioned a while back that I was planning on reading The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini's first novel. Eric had said I was just gonna love it, and he was right. It was a wonderful book, one that I had a hard time putting down, much to the chagrin of the IB at times. I got through it in just a couple of days, and now I'm so eager to read Mr. Hosseini's sophomore effort, ATSS.


At the same time I checked out The Kite Runner from the library, I also checked out Ernest Hemingway's first novel, The Sun Also Rises. It was first published in 1926. And frankly, this one I can put down. In the past week, maybe a little more, I've only gotten through about half of it. I'm trying to trudge through it, hoping it'll wrap up in grand fashion. But good grief...even his characters were alcoholics! That's all they do, is drink! And funny...they never seem to actually get drunk.

The reason I decided to delve into the world of this renowned American author is because I get tired of reading these mass-produced novels by authors who crank out three, four, or five a year. There's no meat to them, they rarely leave me thinking after I turn that last page, and they're just overall quite forgettable. These books to me are just a way to pass the time, but there's really nothing much gained.

So I'm making an effort to familiarize myself with these authors that over the years made a name for themselves for the quality of books they wrote, rather than the quantity. I know, I know...I had the chance to do this back in high school, right? But I must admit, there are only two books that I can recall actually reading all the way through back in the those days. And those are To Kill a Mockingbird, and The Diary of a Young Girl. TKAM I actually read twice in high school...in honors freshman English, and again the next year in accelerated sophomore English. But other than that, I found all the other books I was assigned quite dull. The Great Gatsby? I only got about 50 pages through it. Hawthorne? Ack. Steinbeck? Nope. I'm hoping that now that I'm quite a bit older, I can find a new appreciation for these pieces of literature. I guess that's a start...now I just need to learn how to appreciate Shakespeare along with the rest of the cultured universe.

OK...I really need to get crackin'. Must clean, must shop. My babies are coming home tonight!

Movin' on...

Whew, I just now got the kitchen cleaned up from dinner...finally. I get so sick of cleaning that dadgum kitchen. That was one thing great about having the IH around...he went along with the rule that whoever didn't cook, cleans. Now I get to do both. And thus far, only a couple of times has it waited until the next morning.

I'm sitting here right now at my dining table, iPod blaring some Alice in Chains, and an ice cold beer by the computer. This has been a momentous day.

I signed the papers today.

And funny....as I drove away from my attorney's office, I felt like I didn't expect to. Hopeful. Encouraged. Free.

Now I just need to work on the feelings of bitterness and hatred I have in my heart. At this point, I still desperately crave for all the IH's actions to come crashing down around him, so he is finally forced to acknowledge what a f'ed-up view he has on life. And don't even get me started on her.

This man has gone hog-wild spending money to the point it makes me wonder if he has some sort of undisclosed source of income. I mentioned in passing a few posts back that he had bought a new car. A brand new 2007 Nissan Pathfinder. This is his third new car in as many years. But this particular type of vehicle he needs now. After all, he now has as many as four kids to haul around. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a Sirius satellite radio box under the front passenger seat. And this last time, he had a bike rack installed on the back. (I asked him if he had a bike now, and he said, no, it's just for the kids's bikes. But then the RK mentioned the other day that his dad and she ride bikes with the kids, too. And after some questioning, it was quite evident that these bikes were not rented.) Oh yes...he went to the Tim & Faith concert, too. (OK...I'll let that one slide...I went to the Rascal Flatts concert the following week.) And not to mention the new shoes I've seen him in, new clothes, etc. And oh yes...he received some sort of new credit card in the mail here at the house not too long ago. I wonder if there was one in there with her name on it, too.

I need to let it go. He's digging his own grave, and I just need to summon the patience to wait for it to all come caving in on him. No, actually, I just need to

LET.

IT.

GO.

As long as he makes those child support payments, I shouldn't care. And here in the grand state of Michigan, I took advantage of my option to go ahead and have it garnished from his wages from the get-go.


He's asked me if it would be agreeable to me if he could take the kids every weekend for the rest of the summer, until school starts. While I horribly miss my babies while they're gone, I also think it's good for me. I know the RK has a lot more fun on his weekends with his dad that what I have for him here at the house, so I avoid that source of guilt for not giving him a more entertaining time here at the house. I think I just might go ahead and say OK. I am really enjoying the time to myself, and the RK is really enjoying his weekends with his dad.

Oh yes! The weekend! I did end up going to that meet & greet at the neighbor's, but not until after 10:00. But that was OK, because they have a bit of a wild streak in them like I do. They had a keg...I don't think I've had beer from a keg since those 'enlightening' and 'informative' days back at UT Austin! My head hit the pillow at straight-up 2:00. It's nice to know I have a good source of blowing off steam when I need to.

The next day was another meet & greet at the clubhouse of the subdivision, spearheaded by my neighbor two doors down. I had told him I'd come help and set up, since I didn't have the IB to chase after. It was a much more mellow time than the night before, but still great. I did meet a lot of neighbors, one of which I hope I'll run into again. An older, single woman who might be a good source of babysitting. We all had a lot of fun slamming our builder and all the issues we're having with our houses. It was funny.

Oh my gosh... Let It Go just came on my iPod! Frighteningly appropriate. I'll probably listen to it a couple more times before the night's over.

That's all I have for now. From this day forward, though, the IH will now be referred to as the IX. I can't believe this day is here. I never thought in a millions years this day would ever hit my calendar. But it has.

Movin' on...

Behold, the perfect strategy, the textbook form

Take notes, you ultimate procrastinator wannabes...I wrote the book. I am the Queen. The Champion. The unanimous GPP...Grand Poobah of Procrastination.

Jimmy's Blogathon efforts has made the perfect excuse today. I've been popping in on him all day today, and thankfully now, the sun has quit torturing his live webcam shot. He's a crazy, yet wonderful guy to put himself through so much stress and turmoil to raise a big ol' chunk of change for Midland Fair Havens. I have to admit, though, it looks like fun. At least at this point it does. I don't know how I'd be feeling at 3:00 in the morning with still 5 more hours to go. 30 feet in the air. Yikes. Have pity on him...pop in on him and throw some money his way. With what he's going through, it's the least we can do!

I have done some productive things today. For the first time in about six weeks, I got the grass cut. My neighbors and I have been have a hell of a time getting it to grow, given that it's only year-old sod, and we haven't been getting very much rain. The sun has beat down on it mercilessly, and even the best looking lawns around the neighborhood are patchy green at the very best. My front yard looks pretty good, I was surprised to notice. I just knew that once I cut the grass out there, that all the brown patches would show through a lot more, but not so! It actually borders on lush! The back and the south side of the house is another story, though.

So after mowing around noon today, I managed to waste away the afternoon following Jimmy some more, snoozing in front of the Tigers game, messing around with the garden hose outside (not necessarily in that order). I finally jumped in the shower around 5:00-ish, which was much needed after mowing. Now I've been slowly but surely getting the downstairs cleaned up. Kitchen is done. Sweeping is done. All the dining area furniture has been lugged into the living room so I can mop.

And here I sit.

See? I'm so good at proctrastinating, it's disgusting.

After mopping I still would like to run the vacuum as well.

There's a meet & greet at the neighbor's tonight, and I really don't feel all that much like going. I didn't RSVP, for one thing, so I don't want to be rude by showing up unexpectedly. Side dishes or desserts were also requested, and I don't have anything to bring.

Being the social butterfly I am, it's really odd that I don't have a huge interest in going. That I'm staying at home to clean of all things, when there's a party going on! WTF? I guess it's just more evidence of how going through this divorce has affected me.

I dunno...maybe after a while I'll throw on some makeup and mozy down there. One thing I could offer is the better part of a case of beer. That might facilitate my welcome.

Let's see...what else can I talk about to drag out my mopping the floor....

Eh...I got nothin'. Guess I better go put on my washerwoman hat.

Later!

Still alive and kickin'

After 45 posts, I guess my motivation and interest in this new blog of mine has finally started to wane somewhat. I just don't feel like sitting down and trying to get my thoughts all organized and put into print. I do want to keep this blog current, however, so forgive me if my posts aren't as thrilling or exciting as they have been. Then again, I guess they haven't been all that great thus far. Just bear with me...

My night out on the town this past Saturday was lots of fun! My neighbor and I started the night at a brand new place in downtown Ann Arbor...it had been open less than a week. It's one of those $8 a drink martini bars, so we only stayed for two drinks. But I must say, the dirty martini I had, listed on the menu as the "Dirty CEO" was the best I've ever had. I thought I was quite witty...she brought our drinks, and I said, "OK, so where's my dirty CEO? Where is he?" Heh. For my second drink, I decided to see what this craze about Mojitos was all about. It was interesting...don't think I'll be ordering it again, though. I kept sucking up little pieces of fresh mint in my straw. That stole a lot of the appeal. Overall, though, the flavor was quite nice and refreshing.

After that, I had an itch to go to what has to be about the only country bar around, and my friend obliged. It was alright. I really wanted to take a two-steppin' spin around the dance floor, but my dance card remained empty. It was quite funny watching the others get out there and try to do it...they just don't get it this far north. And this place is big in line dancing. They'll line dance to Justin Timberlake. Now, I'm not knocking JT, his song "What Goes Around" has been a saving grace for me these last few months, but I don't want to hear him in a place like this. Please...let's stick to King George, Clint, maybe even a little Gretchen.

Nothing much to report for my week thus far. Today the IB had an occupational therapy appointment, and after that, the three of us went for some lunch at Panera Bread, and then on to the grocery store for us. I felt a little guilty because I hadn't taken the time to get my coupons in order, so I paid full price for most things. I did score some good sale items, though.

So exciting....I know.

My boys came home from their weekend with their dad, and the IB learned a new trick! He's now pulling himself up to standing! Whenever he's in his 'cage,' (aka the playpen), he'll get himself pulled up to standing, and he'll peer over of the top of the rail...all I can see are his eyes. Sometimes he'll lean his head back, scrunch up his nose and smile at me. SO PRECIOUS. I can't believe we're just a little more than a month away from him being an entire year old. Just can't believe it.

My new bloggerbuddy, Jimmy Patterson, who's also the online editor at my hometown's newspaper, is once again participating in this year's Blogathon. This is such a great thing. Bloggers from all over the world unite and commit to blogging for 24 hours straight. And it's all for charity. Jimmy, like last year, will be blogging for a wonderful organization in Midland called Midland Fair Havens. When I checked out their website to see what they were all about, I felt compelled to make a pledge. Although I'm not in such dire straits as the women and children the organization helps, I still feel a close connection to them as I too am going through such a difficult and life-altering time. I haven't given charitably in way too long, longer than I'd care to admit, but for this cause, I decided to participate. No, I won't be blogging for an entire 24-hours, but I did make a pledge for Jimmy's efforts...

...and talk about effort! He will be blogging from a cherry picker parked in the local HEB's parking lot. And he has mentioned a slight fear of heights. He has also mentioned searchlights will be in place. I would love to be able to come out and support him in person at 4:16 AM when his eyelids are drooping and head bobbing, but since I can't, I will do my best to follow his progress over this neat little contraption that connects me to the whole world.

May I suggest that anyone reading this click on the Blogathon link and peruse the bloggers and their charities that they will be blogging for. If you find someone who is supporting a cause close to your heart, please make a pledge. And if you don't find your favorite charity listed among those who have signed up, perhaps consider signing up yourself! I think it's such a neat way to raise money for worthy causes, and I'm looking forward to being a small, yet active part of it!

I picked up a new Luanne Rice paperback at the grocery store today, so I think I'll go knock out a few pages before I turn in. Nighty-night, everyone!

The woes of a divorced mom

I swear I'm the best procrastinator in the world. I should be cleaning. But here I am. Sheesh...I deserve an award or something. Perhaps "Procrastinator Extraordinaire." That's me!

So it looks like I might actually get to go out tonight. That other single mom that I've mentioned and I have plans to go out tonight. Yeehaw! I get to go out and feel like a grownup. I even bought some new makeup!

I'm missing my babies something fierce. But in a good way, I guess. I need this time. It feels pretty good to not be responsible for them for a while. It's just me. I can do whatever I want, without having to take anyone else into consideration. But I'm eagerly looking forward to their return tomorrow evening, as well.

I've been feeling like the biggest disappointment to the RK lately. He and I just don't seem to have a lot in common, and we spend most of our time at home in separate rooms doing our own thing. We've been doing pretty good getting these summer workbooks in reading and math done. It's a neat program. You bubble in your answers to each lesson on an answer sheet ("Like standardized tests!" the RK says) and then mail them in to be graded. He's doing quite well on them, score-wise, because after he's done the lesson, I check over it and help him correct ones he got wrong before he fills in the bubbles. But sometimes getting him to do these lessons isn't all that easy. He balks at it. But after some encouragement and help, he eventually gets into it.

I desperately want him to find the love of reading. But he has struggled learning how, and he's not really reading at grade level. He's close, though. And we haven't even made it to the library this summer. I had these grand plans of him signing up for the summer reading program with a high number of books to read for his goal. Nope. Didn't happen.

I'm wracking my brain trying to think of stuff we can do together, and both enjoy. I think what I'm gonna have to do is just ask him when I have the time, and whatever he says, we'll do it. No matter how much I don't like it. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm disappointing him.

I'm so afraid he's going to start liking it better with his dad, too. Last weekend, they went out to eat at Red Lobster. The RK has been begging me to go out to eat there, and I always say no because it's so expensive. They go to the pool at the fancy-shmancy health club they belong to. And Lord knows what else. Their father has no concept of how not to spend money, while things around here are pretty tight.

I just always feel like the bad guy. Telling him to clean up, to do his summer lessons, to take a shower, all these things he hates doing. And so often during my marriage, the IH would be doing something with the RK, say, right before bedtime. I'd come in and give them a few minute warning, and after letting whatever number of minutes go by, and then some, I'd come back in to pull the plug on their activity. The IH would say very dejectedly, "OK...Mommy said it's time to go to bed." Rather than something like, "Yep, it's bedtime! Thanks for the reminder, Mommy." I hope now that the IH and I are living under two different households that this doesn't start getting worse. I already know that he's going to be the big spender with the kids, that goes without saying. But I hope he also takes a stand and also makes the RK take care of certain less desirable yet necessary things, like those I mentioned above.

I guess only time will tell. For the time being, though, I need to somehow manage to squash all this guilt I've been feeling; to stop letting it come in between my relationship with my kids. There's still a lot of summer left, and tons of opportunities to make it special. I need to dig up some of my deeply buried creativity!

OK...I'm gonna go clean now.

Heeeeerrrreee I go.

Here

I

go.

OK, now.

Nope,

now.

Shazaam.

Trudging on

I feel like my summer is wasting away. It just hit me that it is now July. The excited anticipation that comes with June is done and gone.

We haven't even been to the local Dairy Queen yet. That must be remedied soon.

A while back, my neighbor two doors down had a gorgeous deck built and no longer had need for the little wooden steps that had previously been underneath his back door. So he came and knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted them. Of course!

So now we are able to use our back door to get out to the relative expanse of our back yard. With absolutely nothing in it. And I don't have any clue what to put back there to make it useable. I want a deck or patio so bad I can taste it, but definitely don't have the funds to make that happen.

The RK doesn't have much excitement for playing sports. At least with just his parents. I'd love to go throw the baseball with him and his years-old-but-still-brand-new hardly-used mitt, but he poopoos the idea. And the soccer ball. And the football (and yes, his mama could show him how to throw a pretty decent spiral).

We've spent the entire day indoors today. And it was an absolutely perfect day. The evening was gorgeous. I noticed those incredible thunderclouds building to the east, where they're dark and ominous on the bottom, and bright, white-pink and puffyfluffy all the way up to the top. I only stayed briefly to marvel, and did not even summon my children to come and enjoy it with me. That's what I mean when I say the summer is wasting away. I desperately hope and pray that wasn't my last opportunity for the season.

I'm not really in the mood to see and be seen. I had fun at the neighbor's last night, and I'm glad I went, but today, I just want to mope. So maybe that's why I'm sun-deprived today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I survived the 29 or so hours my kids were gone. It's so amazing to me how such small little bodies can fill up a house. It felt strange to only carry my cell phone up to bed with me and no baby monitor. But I have to admit, it felt amazing to sleep in past 10:00 the next morning!

I found out some very interesting information concerning the text exchange I relayed to y'all in my last post. And just like my inital reaction to the texts themselves, I don't really quite know what to make of this.

It was very out of character for the IH to utter such words of encouragement. I mean, throughout this whole ordeal, he has been totally incapable of saying anything...and I mean ANYTHING...nice, uplifting, or encouraging to me. He has expressed on numerous occasions, ever since this affair started, that he would be so happy if I decided to just go away and leave the kids with him. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not embellishing, I'm not misconstruing.

I have never felt so worthless in all my life.

Hence my text to him about having someone else write those texts to me.

So Tuesday night, he comes and picks up the kids, and here I am, left all alone in this big empty house, not knowing what the hell to do with myself.

Soon after the IH drives off (in his less-than-24-hours hold brand new Nissan SUV), SH texts me to see if she can come hang out with me for a bit, and I say sure. We start talking about all this, and she says, "Trish, I have to level with you. I called [the IH] at work today."

After my meltdown the day before, she was pretty freaked, and bless her heart, she felt compelled to intervene on my behalf.

She said she thinks of me as family.

It's two days later, and even thinking about it now dampens my eyes.

The fact that she felt compelled to take this on herself and get involved to such an extent means the absolute world to me. Because I have no one else. No family. All of my neighbors are new friends of mine, and getting to that level of familiarity, intimacy, and willingness to involve oneself is a long, drawn-out, no-guarantees process.

I remember right after we brought the IB home from the NICU, SH came over to meet him. I told her how my mom was planning on cutting her trip short because my step-dad was making it sound like he was about to die with her gone. And I remember crying, saying, "Who do I have to go to the mat for me?" And that was one of the few times I've seen her cry. It's nice to know I have such a dear friend that will go to the mat for me. And I just hope that I'm able to fully express my appreciation and compensate her over the coming days, weeks, years.

Not reciprocate. Just compensate.

OK...that's enough. I've got to stop thinking about it. I don't want to get dragged down again. At least not like Monday. I'm doing much better right now, but still not too motivated. Just don't want to make it any worse. This fragility is driving me crazy. I hate this. Again...what a waste of these days of my life.

So the boys seemed to do just fine at the love shack. I'm glad to get that initial send-off behind me. The IH is taking the kids again for the weekend. Oh Lord...two whole nights without my babies! What a hodgepodge of emotions...excitement for getting to hang up my responsibility for a while, yet the hole that comes with their absence. Not to mention the worry about the atmosphere around there that they're entering into.

Oh, how I loved seeing that precious little toothy grin last night when the IB leaned into my arms!

To end this post on a happy note-
Last night while we were all gathered to watch the fireworks show behind the neighbors' houses across the street, I got to chatting with my next-door neighbor. Here's what he said to me: "You know J's cousin? The one who helped him bring those steps over to your back door? He's got such a crush on you."

I don't really even remember what he looks like, even though I think I might've been introduced to him while walking by one day a few weeks ago. How cool, though. Does my self-image a world of good.

So here we go...

I never did respond to the IH's text from Saturday. So here's a transcript of sorts of our texts today:

IH (10:09 AM): would like to pick up the boys after work so we can have the day together for tomorrow
(11:39 AM): i know this is difficult. Everything well [sic] work out and the kids will be fine. you are the best mom to those kids. They will look forward to being back with
(11:44 AM): you. i know your [sic] a strong person when you have to be. you are doing such a great job with them. It will be ok.
( 11:56 AM): please reply. Need to know if you're ok.

Me (11:59 AM): who did you get to write that for you? i will not be packing [the IB]'s food. you can provide that when you have him. what time?
(12:00 PM): no, i'm not catatonic yet. sorry to disappoint you.

IH (12:05 PM): thank you for responding. i know it's hard to believe but I do care about how your [sic] doing. Not completely heartless. Around six is when i can be there.

Curiouser and curiouser...

I just don't know what to make of this. Maybe what happened Thursday has finally started to chip away at the ten-foot thick titanium walls around his pathetic little shriveled up heart.

I won't be holding my breath, though.

Now I'm gonna try to get this house cleaned up and get some laundry done before he gets here.

Seeking relief

Oh, I've found myself this afternoon just all tied up in knots. I am such an emotional wreck. I just want to go crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head and be alone. The IB's taking a nap right now, and I know that won't last as long as I would like. He'll be needing his mommy all too soon, and I just don't feel up to trying to force myself to be the loving, attentive, happy mommy he needs and deserves. But I'll do it, because I have to. And because I love that sweet little thing so much. And because I know that while it's hard to imagine being able to summon the strength I need for him, it always ends up being easier than I thought once I see that beautiful little smile.

The house is still a mess. I just can't seem to summon the determination I need to tackle it. And it's hanging around my neck like that good ol' literary albatross.

The IH wants to take the kids for July 4th. To the homewrecker's sister's house (she and her two kids became very close friends of mine as well, and I haven't seen them since Christmas 2005) for a BBQ and fireworks. He told me his plans via a text message sent on Saturday, and I haven't responded yet. I know I need to give my approval, but I'm having such a hard time uttering the words.

I hope it's an awkward day, at best. Well, only for the grown-ups. I want my absence to hang over them like the blackest, thickest, most suffocating cloud of WRONG ever felt.

And for the RK, well, I just don't know. I'm happy that he's excited to see his old friend again. And for his sake, I am a tiny bit relieved that I have given in. I hated being such a huge source of discontent with him. Even though he won't be able to understand why I had this position until he's much, much older.

But not knowing how this will play out has me messed up. And not knowing if he'll ultimately have to go through this all again, giving up this friendship for the pathetic reason of the adults not being able to act like adults. Again.

Does this mean I have to start letting this little boy come over for playdates, or will I yet again be a source of unfair discontent when I inform the RK that he will only be able to see this friend while he's with his dad? It's not fair for him to have a friend only when he's with his dad. But right now I just can't stand the idea of having any part of that section of my past anywhere around my present. And I can't stand the thought that it might hurt the RK in any way.

Oh, I just want that part of his life to be done and over with. In the past. Let's please move on. Why must I continue to be tortured by this evil, selfish woman and what she did to me? And to the RK?

Why must I be the one to summon the superhuman strength to make up for the disgraceful weaknesses of my Idiot Husband and the Homewrecking Whore? It just seems impossible to continually be 'the bigger person' and remain objective; always, without fail, doing what's best for the sakes of my babies. And what makes this even harder is that I'm not exactly sure this is the right thing.

This haunts me. Teases me. Tortures me. Paralyzes me. I desperately want this pit in my stomach to go away. I am so tired of it.

I desperately want something to be happy about. To rejoice in. To celebrate. I am so tired of being sad. Angry. Hurt. Destroyed. I'm wasting valuable time feeling like this, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I have no control over it. It has taken control of me. And I HATE that.

I'm trying to focus on the opportunity I'll have to not be responsible for my kids for a little while. I desperately need a break from them. Just some time to myself without a birthday party looming over me. Just nothing. No kids. Nothing. Being able to do whatever I want.

OK...that's all. I need to pull myself together. Hopefully spilling some of this out will help.

Thanks for listening, guys.

Breathe in, breathe out

I just got the RK tucked into bed, after turning down his request to sleep in my bed tonight. He says he doesn't like being alone. I promised him he could sleep in my bed tomorrow night.

He had been watching Nick, so when I got back downstairs, I decided to turn on the Sirius country radio station on my Dish. And the song playing is "Bring It On Home" by Little Big Town.

You've got someone here
Wants to make it all right
Someone that loves you more
Than life right here
You've got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you
Like the back of my hand
You know I'm gonna do
All that I can right here
Gonna lie with you
Till you fall asleep
When the morning comes
I'm still gonna be right here
Yes, I am
(Ooooooooooooo)
So take your worries and
Just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come
And carry you away

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Oh, bring it on home
Yeah, bring it on home to me
Home to me
Oh, bring it on, bring it on home
to me

You've got someone here wants
To make it all right
Someone that loves you more
Than life right here

This song was on the charts last summer. I remember it's one of the very first songs I bought on iTunes for my brand new iPod.

Last summer was unforgettable. I was living in my very first home. Brand new. My husband was so very distant, always emotionally, and sometimes physically. He was here, then at the hotel. Then here again. Sleeping on the couch, sleeping next to me while I was tortured by his constant infliction of pain, sleeping in a bed miles and miles away.

All while we were expecting the arrival of our second child. I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, so my life was also consumed with finger pokes, insulin injections, and craving the forbidden joy of french fries and Dairy Queen. And always feeling like complete shit that I just wasn't strong enough to give up smoking even though I was harboring a brand new precious little soul in my belly.

I desperately needed a rock. A shoulder. I desperately wanted to be his rock. And this song absolutely reached deep down inside me and touched a nerve that was so fragile and raw, I could hardly listen to it without giving in to the tears that were always at the point of spilling at a second's notice.

I tried to play this song for him and convey to him that that was exactly how I felt about him, but he had no capacity for allowing music to touch his soul. Especially if it touched mine.

And hearing it just now sent me right back to last summer. And reflecting on what all has happened since then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so sorry I haven't been back to let y'all know how things went on Thursday. I'm ending one of the most stressful and exhausting weeks of my entire life, and I just didn't have the strength or the energy to try to put it all in print until now. And even now I'm still emotionally exhausted and utterly drained.

I made it to the courthouse on Thursday about 10 minutes 'til 2, and as I reached the top of the stairs, I immediately saw the IH waiting for his attorney to show up. He was wearing a nice polo shirt and khaki slacks, and I thought he looked so handsome. And that damn goatee...

...back when we first started dating, he decided at one point to grow a goatee. And he looked gorgeous. But soon after he got a promotion at work, and he decided to shave it.

And he didn't decide to grow another one until after we'd moved into the house last year. I told him how hot I always thought he looks with it, and he once again decided to shave it off. Now he's had it again for months. And it pisses me off that I have to see him looking so handsome for another woman. I just don't understand...he'll keep it for her, but not for me.

Back to Thursday... I couldn't even look directly at him. I didn't even acknowledge his presence. I just couldn't. And he made no approach to me. We still had some issues to muddle through and come to an agreement over, so I waited for my attorney, and he waited for his. And they did all the talking. We finally settled on the last sticking points (I'm not getting nearly what I wanted for child/spousal support, but it's still enough to put a big hole in his wallet every month.), and then we had to go into the courtroom and state it all into the record. I'm still not acknowledging his presence at this point.

The court reporter swears the IH and me in to tell the whole truth and nothing but, and then my attorney starts asking me all about the terms we've agreed upon. I answer "Yes" or "Correct" to each one as she rattles them off. Except there at the beginning when she gets to the one about no chance of reconciliation being present, I answered, "Apparently not." When she got to the part about his parenting time, it took me a minute to get out the 'yes,' and my voice cracked as I said it.

I had never been in a courtroom before. It was sheer hell. I was so glad to get out of there and away from him. I was so exhausted at this point. But anyway, all that has to happen for this to be done and over with is new papers with the final draft of our agreement drawn up and signed by him, me, and the judge. And the judge said he'd have them signed by July 30.

And then I won't be married anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to try to get the goody bags for the RK's party stuffed that night, but I was done for the day. Couldn't do anything else productive. I was basically in a zombie state for the rest of the day, capitulating to the idea of McDonald's for dinner because I couldn't stand the thought of going into that kitchen to cook something. I put the IB to bed way early, because he didn't have a nap at the neighbor's, and he was exhausted, too. And I certainly wasn't in any state of mind to be a good mommy to such a tiny, precious, needy little soul.

One thing we did, though, was go check out the subdivision's clubhouse where the RK's party was going to be the next night. And there's a pool table in there, so we took off the cover and I taught the RK how to play 9-ball. That was kind of neat. I wish there was some sort of open access to the clubhouse from time to time so that pool table could be enjoyed a little more.

So the next day, I had to watch the girls of the neighbor that watched my boys for me the day before. We have a nice agreement like that, but on this particular day, I really wish I could've found a way out of it, given that I had a party to get ready for all by myself.

And the IH took the day off to spend time with the RK on his birthday. A few days before, I had asked if he could take the IB too, so that way I wouldn't have him to worry about while I got ready for the party, and he said sure. But Friday, he had somehow managed to forget that part. That pissed me off to no end. He took the IB without an argument, though. So then my day went like this:

• Call the pizza place to order pizzas for that night
• Drive to Sam's to pick up cake and ice cream, a veggie tray, industrial-sized bag of salad, and candy for goody bags
• Drive to grocery store for 2-litres of Coke and veggies for aforementioned industrial-sized salad
• Drive to party supply store to pick up balloon bouquets and struggle to get all those damn balloons into the car at the same time without getting them all tangled up together (keep in mind that ice cream is still in the back seat melting away)
• Head straight to clubhouse to get cold stuff in fridge/freezer (I turned the fridge to the coldest setting hoping to get the beer cold faster, but it was still warm by the time the party started. So I stuck it in the freezer. And no, none exploded.)
• I sat down at the kitchen bar and made a list of everything I wanted to bring from the house. Some of the highlights were the ladder (to decorate), knife/cutting board for the salad, the IB's chow chair, boombox, broom/dustpan. And lots of other little things. I had the back of my car totally full by the time I got all this stuff in there.
• So now it's around 4:00. I get to hanging streamers, and banners, and placing the balloon bouquets in different locations (after getting them untangled) to see what looks the best and most festive. I'm pretty on-track. I'm quite proud of myself at this point.
• I really wanted to head back to the house to put on some makeup, but didn't get done until it was about 20 'til 6. Oh well.

And all this time, I'm periodically getting text messages from the IH saying they're stuck in traffic. They had gone to the zoo (the Detroit Zoo, which is closer to where we used to live, rather than the the Toledo Zoo, which is much closer to where we live now. Dumbass.), and were stuck in traffic on the freeway that always gets horribly backed up at quittin' time. Not to mention it's Friday of a holiday weekend. And then they go through a very well-publicized batch of construction on another freeway. So the RK didn't show up to his own party until about 30 minutes after it started.

The IH informed me I had only left one diaper for the IB in his bag, so I asked him if he could run back to the house for me to grab a few. He gets down to the house, and he can't get in (I changed the garage door code and confiscated his remote and housekeys the day he left). So I drive down there and get the diapers myself. He takes this opportunity to ask me if he's supposed to stay for the party or not. I say, "Pssht! No!" I can't believe he'd want to stay, given that everyone in that room thinks he's a lying, cheating, sonofabitch scumbag. Oh, let me add stupid to that list.

The party went great, though. The pizza was on time. The kids had fun playing with the pool table, and swimming. And running around like little banshees. The grown-ups had fun. The RK had fun and got great presents (including 3 Nerf guns, all different. PERFECTION.) I had amazing help with the IB from my wonderful neighbors who wanted to come help my firstborn celebrate his tenth birthday. They basically traded off with him over the course of the night. I even found a strange diaper on him when I got him home that night. I actually kind of missed him by the end of the night...I hadn't hardly seen him at all that whole day!

Two moms ended up staying late into the night while all our kids played, and we drank some more of the beer and chatted. It was great.

The IB was sleeping in his stroller, which was pushed into a dark little corner. He woke up screaming around 11:30, so that's when we all decided to call it a night. I decided to go get my kiddoes in bed and go back up the clubhouse to try to finish cleaning up. The IB was so completely frazzled and exhausted from his schedule being completely thrown out of whack the last two days, he got quite a screaming jag going that a bottle of formula couldn't even soothe. I finally decided to just put him into his bed and let him cry it out. Nothing else was going to work at this point. And by the time I brought the first carload of stuff back to the house, all was quiet. Bless his precious little heart.

I got everything done and all cleaned up at the clubhouse by about 2:00 AM. I had so much pizza leftover. I had tons of that industrial-sized salad leftover. I wondered how many of the 30+ people that showed up actually ate. So now the RK and I are going on a pizza diet.

I still don't have all the crap from the party put away. I left that salad sitting out on my rangetop until this morning, and it looked pretty sad. I'm slowly recovering from the past week of heaven and hell I went through. My house has paid the price as well, and I'm getting to the point I hate it. I desperately want to clean it, but just don't have the physical energy or the motivation to actually get to work on it. And that is the most torturous feeling I think I've ever felt.

So my life has been blessed by the presence of my firstborn for an entire decade now. I've been called "Mommy" for ten whole years. Oh, my life is so rich. So blessed. So amazing.

Caution: Nuclear meltdown imminent

Boy, I'm really wishing right now I had nothing else to do but loll around the house and watch tennis. England's best hope for a Wimbledon title (and really, he's not anymore, but the fans still love him), Tim Henman, is battling back from losing his first two sets in tiebreaks. He's won the third set, and is way ahead in the fourth. I love tennis. This one's heading to a fifth set, and I can't sit and watch it! DAMMIT!

I hate having the weight of the world on my shoulders. Summer's supposed to be for no worries, lazy days, the only priority being what time to head to the pool. Instead, I'm freaking out about my divorce, my kids' wellbeing in the mess of it, and worrying about what's going to happen in the future.

Curse that man.

I did get a big piece of good news this morning when the guy from the property management company called me, and when I asked him if I could get into the clubhouse tonight to start decorating and setting up, he said sure, after the sales office closes. Yippee!!! That's huge for me...frees up a lot of my day tomorrow before the party.

I so shouldn't be sitting here. I've got so many other things to do before this conference. Like shower. I stink. Or as I would say to the IB, "I'm tinky!" And I need to go get the IB's diaper bag stocked and ready to go.

Off I go...

Convoy in my back yard

Another night. My precious babies are all tucked into their cozy beddy-byes...well, they're not tucked in, because it's so damn hot up there they're sleeping under no covers. Can't open the windows because our house is right next to a major road. And due to construction down the road at our interstate on/off ramps, where there are also three, yes count 'em THREE truck stops, those big rigs are now making their detours at all hours of the night right under my babies' windows. Damn jake brakes...

The truck stop thing is actually kinda nice. The gas there is usually $0.20/gal. cheaper than anywhere else. No kidding. Dealing with all the truck traffic is worth it in my book. Right now with all this construction, though, I'm about to go insane.

And I want to know who the brilliant shmuck is who timed this construction to be before they fixed the bridge that's been out on the road that's the best way for us to get to town, and the only logical detour for people that live right around here! Tell me, please, so I can go egg his house! It might take me a little longer, though, because I have to take the freakin' scenic route.

Let me clarify that a little bit. A bridge crossing a little creek on the best road for us to get north of here has been torn down, and the road has been a dead end for about the past year until the county can come up with the money to build a new one. We hardly got to use it after we moved in. So there is another road about 1 1/2 miles away that is a pretty decent alternative, at least distance-wise. It's really no longer than taking the now dead-end road. But the only disadvantage is that's where the highway interchange is, and those aforementioned truck stops. And yes, many, many eighteen wheelers.

So we're getting a brand new shiny interchange to get on and off the freeway with. And while they are making this 'improvement to your highways for your convenience,' this road is now down to two piddly little lanes, which us regular folk must share with these monstrosities of vehicles. What would normally take me about ten minutes under normal conditions (well, maybe close to five minutes if that bridge wasn't still out) took me about 20-25 minutes today, and we were excruciatingly late to the IB's physical therapy appointment today.

HEY!!! WAKE UP!!!

Sorry...I noticed you had dozed off there. This post may be quite dry, but it's rude to snore while reading a blog. Yo mama would be ashamed!

so....

...anyway...

Tomorrow's my settlement conference with the judge. And the IH. This should be interesting. While I'm dreading it like a bikini wax, mostly I'm just pissed I have to deal with it tomorrow when I'm trying to get ready to throw a birthday party for my firstborn the very next day.

I don't even have anything nice to wear to it. I have the outfit I bought for the wedding reception, but it's sleeveless. I think I'm just gonna wear the black pants from it with a white long-sleeved button-down shirt. The shirt's from before my massive weight loss, and is probably 2-3 sizes too big. I figure I can get away with it, though. I really don't care, anyway. It's not like I've had the time to even think about going shopping. And what does it really matter, anyway? How I'm dressed will have absolutely no bearing on tomorrow's events. I might as well just go in a tank top and shorts. At least I'd physically be comfortable.

I don't want to go to that courthouse tomorrow. If there was ever a time I wish I could clone myself, this is it.

I still have a little bit of stuff to do to get ready for the party. Most of the stuff is bought, but there's still a few more things I need. Hopefully tomorrow after this stupid hearing thing, I'll have the chance to run get the RK a birthday present. That's the hardest thing, given that he's always with me. So while he's at the neighor's tomorrow would be the perfect chance.

OK, I'm tired. That's it.

My version of Tuesday

One little bit of more depressing divorce shit, and then I'll move on. I'm still tied up in knots about this whole parenting time thing. For my kids' sakes, I hope the IH is right, and I'm wrong. I'm dreading this settlement hearing on Thursday, and I have a feeling I'll be sitting out in front of the courthouse puffing away on my little cancer sticks as long as I possibly can before having to go in.

I absolutely hate that man for what he's done to this family.

OK, that's all. At least for this post.

I miss my beautiful lawn of last year. Brand new sod looks so good, and now that it's a year old, I'm having the worst time getting it nice and green and lush. One thing I am glad about is that we had a second water meter installed last year, so we're not paying for sewage for the water we use outside of the house. But getting out to water is often very time-consuming. Getting those little sprinklers placed and aimed right can be a pain in the ass. I watered some last night, and I'm gonna try to go douse the yard again tonight. The lawnmower needs to be fired up again as well.

Yeehaw! Wimbledon has started! Or to really embrace the culture, "Jolly good!" So for the next two weeks, my TV will have nothing but glorious grass court tennis on it. Much to the RK's dismay. Eh...he's got the TV in the loft. Tennis just doesn't seem to be as exciting now that Andre Agassi's gone. Heck, I'm still missing Pete Sampras. I'll still watch though, and keep hoping the US will have a couple of their up-and-coming players fill these men's ginormous tennis shoes.

Wow, the IB's taking a good nap today! It's almost 4:00 right now, and he's been down since around 1:00. Well, I guess our little foray to the pool this morning can explain that. Man, that water felt so good. We're heading out again in a little while to get more stuff for the birthday party. (I say "again" because we went out yesterday and hit the dollar store and the party supply store to get a jump on the supplies.) Gotta hit Sam's, 'cuz the IB is almost out of formula. Then might go scope out the GFS to get an idea of what kind of munchies to have at the party. I've never been in there, and I hear it's wonderful.

Speaking of the IB...he has a new trick! He waves. Just his four little fingers, on both hands. I'll tell him to wave, and he waves both hands! SO PRECIOUS! And he finally started crawling, and is into everything. I can't keep my CD's stacked in the shelf anymore...he loves pulling them out. And suppertime is always fun...I have to use two spoons. One for me and one for him. Sometimes two for him and none for me. Food very often winds up in his hair and other interesting places. He is such a happy kid, though. He adds so much joy to this house, and I'm so glad he's here.

Uh oh...sounds like he's awake! I can hear him kicking the rails of his crib through the ceiling. Sweet thing...

The word 'desperation' just doesn't cover it

I hate it when I come up with all kinds of brilliant and profound things to say when I'm not sitting at my computer.

And frankly, I'm horrible at fully expressing these thoughts and emotions into the written word.

Music is such a big part of this for me.

I have my iPod on right now, at the moment listening to a little Stevie Ray. RIP.

I feel like I'm coming out of my emotional funk that consumed the past week of my life. And what a waste. I would've much rather been doing more joyful things.

I desperately need feedback from my dutiful readers. And thanks for reading and offering your comments, by the way. I'm so grateful.

I conceded this past week about letting my husband have his every-other-weekend parenting time with her. I had it put in my counter-proposal that the IH is allowed to have his parenting time around her, but if any emotional distress should become apparent, the arrangement will be revisted and the RK will get counseling.

Am I caving? Or am I being realistic?

This past weekend was horrible for me.

The IH informed me that she (and frankly, she doesn't even deserve the trouble I go through to put any reference to her in italics) thinks he needs to stand up for himself, and that his boys should be allowed to spend time with her and her kids. Like a perfect little family.

Excuse me while I puke.

Why is it that I've been hearing of all these other divorce cases where it's stipulated that the non-custodial parent is to not spend their parenting time with any sort of 'significant other'? So why must I forfeit this because my husband decided to shack up with this significant other? And not to mention the fact that this sig. other used to be a big part of my son's life, given that her son and my son were the best of friends?

Am I caving? Or should I stick to my guns?

The IH is not disputing who's going to be the custodial parent: me. The whole reason I'm fighting for this is for my children's wellbeing. But is it really that big of a risk, or am I just not seeing clearly through the fog of emotion I'm in? I mean, can that much emotional harm really come to the RK from 2 out of every 14 days? He's really excited about getting to be with his 'best friend' again. And I asked him to please let me know if there's any weird feelings or other issues he comes across once this whole routine starts.

But this raises another thought: if this is the way it's gonna be, the RK needs to understand that that is the only time he'll be able to spend with this friend. Every other weekend. No more. Just his weekends with his dad. Period.

Oh Lord, that just raises a whole other mess for me.

I don't know what to do!

Desperation.

The IH is completely oblivious to anything that resembles reality, especially if it's coming out of this mouth in particular. Do I take this chance, and take the risk that it's going to harm my sweet little boy's delicate emotional psyche? Or do I bust my ass to fight this? Is it a legitimate fight in the first place? Or am I just blinded and skewed by the overpowering emotions I'm consumed with?

Financially, I'm already in the hole with my lawyer, and this would just make it much worse. But I love my kids with the fiercest of passions, and if this is something I should fight for, I'll find a way. The method eludes me at this point, but I'll do it if I should.

Please take a moment...I need some good detached, objective advice. Please offer me your thoughts and suggestions, and I'll be praying for clarity of mind and open eyes to weigh it all appropriately.

Damn it...this post turned out to be nothing like I thought it would. Or had intended. I wish I could just telepathically think my thoughts onto this blog. Hopefully I'll have the opportunity to put some of those mind-blowing epiphanies on here some other time.

Thanks in advance...I love y'all!