Chapter 2: Potential Unrealized

I don't really think about him in an emotional way anymore. Well, not so much. It doesn't really create a physical reaction like it used to. The fact is, this was nothing as earth-shattering as my divorce was. It was pretty easy for me to continue on with life as usual.

But I missed the text messages we'd exchange all day. So many of them, in fact, I had to increase my text plan from 300/month to 1000. I've heard some people express their dislike for texting...how impersonal, blah, blah, blah, it is. But I think it's a deeply personal and intimate way of communication. I started feeling this way when I was able to sneak a peek at the IX's phone at one point while he was still living here, and read the intimate texts between him and her. It made me extremely jealous...the type of jealousy that it should be me he's sending those texts to.

So when P and I got into this texting thing, I loved every bit of it. The fact that wherever he was, whatever he was doing, he could open his phone and find a note from me. It's not as obtrusive or potentially inopportune as a phone call. He could read it when it was convenient without interrupting anything. No one else would see it, and everyone would wonder what it was that brought that smile to his face. He could be right in the middle of a meeting at work, sitting on a plane before the cabin door was closed, sitting on a plane just after landing...turning his phone back on and finding it. Or them. Just a wonderful little way to let each other know we're in each other's thoughts.

One of my favorite and most memorable text exchanges (besides this one) involved him sending some totally disgustingly sappy expression of his love for me. Then he immediately sent another one that said something to the effect of, "Can't you feel the love?" To which I replied, "Yeah, so much so I'm about to lose my lunch." His response to this was, "You are AWESOME."

We loved making fun of ourselves, because we both acknowledged the fact that our behavior was what we always make fun of in others. Such a blast.

He got me to play poker for the first time with some of his buddies at work. It was a lot of fun, even though I came down with a stomach bug while I was there and felt like total shit the second half of the night. He drove me home, stayed by my side, and took care of me in my pathetic and completely unattractive state the whole next day.

I helped him with his English, and he helped me with my Spanish. He frequently spoke of taking me to Mexico to meet all his familia. And to the beach.

We were completely capable of expressing anything that was on our minds.

One way we did that, (again with the disgusting sappiness) was through sharing songs with each other. He had a folder on his computer filled with all the songs that made him think of me. The name of the folder was "Texas." (That was his nickname for me. Well, one of them. The other one he gave me while we were in Chicago. "Guera", which is a nickname Mexicans have for those that are fair-skinned.)

We discussed in-depth what we should to for birth control. It was unanimous that condoms SUCK. (My mom says they're like taking a bath with your socks on.) We decided I was going to get an IUD. Fine with me...I loved the idea of 'set it and forget it.' I even had made my appointment at the doctor's.

So then towards late April, I started catching a different vibe from him. I could tell it from his texts. (I guess this is the part that will offer evidence for those who decry the medium so much.) So he ended up texting me that things just weren't going to work out between us, and that I did nothing wrong. This was a Sunday in early May, and he was flying out the next morning for work. I asked him to talk about it with me, and he said he'd call me when he got to his hotel room the next night.

What our conversation boiled down to was that he was worried about his girls (still very young...kindergarten and preschool-aged). He said he's had some red flags go up from what they were saying about life at their mother's house, and that he wanted to devote all of his attention to them. He was going to lobby his ex to begin taking the girls every weekend.

Now I had already started letting him into my boys' lives. I spoke about that earlier. But I had been noticing that he never made any plans with me that would bring me around the girls. I didn't really care too much about it, because things were going so well between us otherwise. I just thought that it just wasn't time for him yet, and I was OK with that. So now he's to the point where he wants to start keeping the girls every weekend, and it turns out there's no place for me in the equation at all. He said he's just scared. I have no choice but to accept this.

So I start noodling around the dating site again, and here's where his reason was revealed as an excuse.

Yup, there he was.

Huh.

I sent him a long email calling him out on it, and how he had proved himself to not be of the character I thought he was. I apologized for anything I might've done or not done that led him to this, and I thanked him for everything...my birthday weekend, and the amazing generosity he had demonstrated with me throughout the course of our time together. I closed it by saying,

"I've learned a lot from this experience. I sincerely hope you've done the same.

Saludos,

Trish"

I still think often about what in the world could've caused him to do this, and many different ideas enter my mind. The most prominent one, however, comes from an incident that happened one weeknight a few weeks earlier when he came over for dinner.

I was not in the greatest state of mind, thoughts of what a failure I am swirling around my head. My kitchen was a total mess, and that, among everything else I felt like I was failing at around this house, got the better of me. I sorta wigged out in the kitchen. The RK was working on his homework at the dining table, and P was on the couch watching TV. It made for a very awkward tension in the air for P. (A few days later, I asked the RK how it made him feel, and he didn't feel the same way. I guess he had just gotten used to it happening from time to time.)

P & I talked about it that night after the boys were in bed, and basically I told him that he needs to let me have my bad days. He agreed that's true.

I guess the one thing that I would want from someone close to me would be not for him to freeze up and let the awkwardness take over, but to come to me and address it right then and there. Offer his assistance; be it encouragement, comforting, or helping me get it all done. But he just sat there, feeling awkward.

And I think that even though we seemed to discuss it completely, it was never settled in him.

That's my main theory, anyway. All the other ones I have don't make as much sense. They're trite and shallow and not even worth mentioning.

I tend to think it was either theory #1, or something I know nothing about.

Whatever...

I still think we had so much going for us. I think there was much fun to be had, and a bright future for us. But again, I'm saying this without knowing the whole truth about why he ended it.

I wonder how things went on his second adventure on the dating site. I wonder how the new people he met stacked up against me. I wonder how & when he thinks of me now. 'Cuz I know he does. We had something amazing going, and I bet he's at least slightly haunted by the memories we made.

I still wonder, but I moved on. Now what mostly resides in my mind are the questions. But I have faith that it's the right thing, even if I don't understand why. My time will come. My prince will enter.

I have faith.

I really hate trying to come up with witty post titles.

My house is a mess. I need to do laundry. And here I sit.

The IB woke up yesterday morning as usual, we took the RK to the bus stop, came back, and I fed him breakfast. After that, he slowed down. Cranky. Lethargic. Listless. Uh oh...he feels a little warm. I took him upstairs and for the first time in his life, I took his temperature. Holy moly, 103º!

I'm not the type to flip out and be an over-worrisome mom, but since he was just nine days out from his surgery, I decided I better call the doctor just to be safe. I talked to the nurse at the pediatrician's office, and upon her recommendation, the nurse at the pediatric surgery office at the hospital as well. And we concluded that it's not related to the surgery, and just a normal bug. Motrin was called for.

He slept most of the day yesterday, and when he wasn't sleeping, he just sat on my lap. Just sat there. He never just sits! But I have to admit, I really enjoyed it. I'm at my mommy-finest when my kids are sick.

So we sat there and watched Noggin. And for the first time, I actually watched it with my undivided attention. Have any of you ever seen "The Upside Down Show?" What a great show! Its basis is using one's imagination, and it's these two guys who have incredibly vivid, creative, and hilarious imaginations. I laughed out loud the whole way through the show! I'm gonna start making sure the TV is tuned in, more for my sake than the IB's.

So anyway, his fever broke around 4:00 PM, and he started to come back to his usual self, but never made it all the way. I remember the RK used to do that when he was younger...have these phantom fevers with no other symptoms that would go away without incident. My guess is it's his little body is heading off some nasty bug right at the pass. Fine by me!

Brrrrr....fall has returned! I've busted out my fuzzy sweatshirts and have started putting socks on my feet. I'm dreading winter. I don't do snow. I hate being cold. But then again...I love snuggling in a warm bed, or under a warm blanket, drinking nice hot coffee or tea, enjoying homemade soup or stew. But that'll get old really quick. Argh...the winters up here are so long. Come on, May 2008!

On the online dating front, I haven't heard back from that one guy. Eh...so be it. Chicken. As for the slight resemblance of a debate that almost got started on my last post, I've weighed the various perspectives and have come to a conclusion. Perhaps I should be a little more shady about my past & current situation...for a short while, at least. Just until I can fully demonstrate my innate awesomeness, and get it to where whomever it is I'm communicating with clearly understands that I am who I am, and while my particular circumstances do look rather questionable at first glance, I'm a conscientious woman and possess the strength of character to keep said circumstances from consuming my whole psyche. But it's definitely not something I want to be holding back for too long...because then, it would make me look like I'm into deception and hiding important facts whose revelation is ultimately crucial to entering into any sort of meaningful, healthy, mutually trusting relationship, be it friendship or beyond.

So there. Game plan tweaked.

OK then. I think the tangled-up, mangled-up thoughts swirling around in my head have now been purged. I guess I should go clean my kitchen now. Crap.

This is just crazy!

OK, I caved. I ended up sending that email. I decided that I was just going to take the risk and send it, instead of perhaps missing an opportunity because of fear and inaction. I got a response. He said that he had read and reread my first email, and could only come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to re-enter the dating world. That he waited three years after his divorce to start dating, and at this point, he has no negative or hard feelings regarding what he went through anymore.

Well, bully for him.

And he might be right. But I think the operative word there is 'might.' Why not ask a few questions, gain a little more insight, and take it one step at a time? Who knows, he just 'might' be surprised.

One thing I absolutely loved in his response was his last two words: "Your thoughts?" I was happy he was willing to keep the dialog open. So I crafted a response to him, informing him that I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past decade (meaning my life has been pretty much restricted to the confines of my residence), and that my getting on the site is evidence that I'm ready to move on.

I also reiterated from my profile that anything I might find interesting will go slow. I even came up with a great tortoise/hare analogy. The rate of emotional investment I make in another person will be slow and steady. That's what wins the race, after all, right?

I've noticed he's been spending time on my profile during his....um, 'time of consideration.' The fact that he is putting so much thought into this tells me that the initial attraction and interest is mutual. And that's exciting! I'm still hoping he will want to ask a few more questions, as shallow or as deep as is comfortable for him, but I'll admit my general level of excitement and hope of potential in this guy is dwindling. If he's really having to contemplate this so deeply without gaining any new information, perhaps he's the one with more issues than me. Good grief.

Liv, I really appreciate your perspective, and it definitely has given me something to ponder. But let me be clear that I have not shared any specific details with him about my circumstances, only that I've been through a difficult, emotional and life-changing experience.

But Ba Doozer, you got it. I'm not pulling any punches as to who I am, and my past, even though it's not yet all that distant, has a lot do with that. As it does for anyone. But I think the crucial thing here is the fact that I'm past dwelling on it. I'm being honest about it, but I'm facing towards the future.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just way off base in my philosophies, don't have an iota of a clue about all this, and am going about it all wrong. I know what I want, and I know how I'm willing to get there. I have so much hope, but at other times, I feel like a naive little girl who's blindly putting herself into a dangerous position. For me, though, at least in this case, the antonym of 'naivete' is 'cyncism.' I'm well aware of the fact that the world can be an ugly place, but I have a game plan to protect myself from unnecessarily getting hurt...well, again. At the same time, though, I still know that there are at least a few glimpses of beauty and joy amidst the ugliness. Do I really know how to differentiate between the two? Or is my vision impaired by my eternal optimism and everyone-initially-deserves-the-benefit-of-the-doubt attitude? Perhaps the latter is a little more true at this point, but as time goes on, I know I'll acquire lots of wisdom and experience.

So now I'm waiting again. But much, much less expectantly. Heh...this should be interesting, if I get anything back at all. And I'm not holding my breath.

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On another note...

The IB took his first steps yesterday! It was so awesome. He cut the corner from the outside edge of the playpen over to the loveseat. He probably totaled 4 steps. Yay, IB! I'm having a hard time getting him to try it again, but that's half the fun. I know he'll be running all over the place before too long!

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OK, I'm now reverting back to the strong, intelligent, self-assured woman from the hormonal little teenage girl this has turned me into. I think I'll shoot an email at that recruiter I met with a couple of weeks ago. I haven't heard a peep from her, and that's not good. Did I mention I'm just about to the point of throwing in the towel and getting a job waiting tables for now, just to get some funds rolling in? Grrr. The house needs plenty of attention as well, just like always. Certainly nothing new there.

OK then....I'm off!

Oh, what have I gotten myself into?

I can't believe what I've done. I think I might've created a monster. I did something I never thought I'd ever do, or be able to do, for that matter.

I posted a profile on a very popular online dating site.

I've just gotten to the point where I am so unbelievably sick and tired of not having any sort of active social life, I'm about to go crazy. I'm sick of not having anything to look forward to during my 'free' weekends. I'm sick of not having anything to be sincerely excited about. I need the motivation to work on myself that a new....ummm....acquaintance...can produce. Did that last one make sense? You know...getting rid of those little undesirable personal quirks that aren't very attractive to others, and adopting those that are.

Thus far I've found myself quite bold and daring with this new 'hobby.' I've sent little flirty notifications to three guys, and emailed one of them telling him what compelled me to send the flirt. It can't hurt, right? And besides, there's not all that much risk or major investment in exchanging a couple of notes or chatting on IM. And that's most certainly all I'm looking for initially.

I've received a couple of those little flirts already, but from guys who live way too far away (40 miles is my absolute max) and out of my comfortable age range. And SOOOOOO not my type. So I've decided to be more proactive in my endeavor. It's more my nature to be pursued, but looking back on my adolescent-to-adult life, I seem to attract guys to whom I can't return the attraction.

The distance thing is a big one for me. I saw one guy on there who said he's looking for someone within 5000 miles of Houston. I laughed out loud!

Of course, every criteria is negotiable for the right person.

So, this should give me all kinds of fodder for this blog. Aren't you excited?

The seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh year of the century

So do you y'all like my new look? I love blue. All shades of blue. It soothes and relaxes me.

I'm sitting here at my local coney island restaurant. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, let me explain. Coney island-style restaurants are usually owned by people of Middle Eastern descent (and around here, there's plenty of 'em), but there are also a couple of very successful chains. They have very, very large menus, with just about anything you could possibly want on them. And there's also a bit of a Middle-Eastern flair on there, as well. Like gyros & Greek salads (which I've fallen in love with since moving to Michigan). And breakfast that you can order all day. It's a bit of a diner feel.

I love this particular coney island. I guess you could say it's a chain, because there is another one listed on the menu in another little town not too far from here. They offer free wi-fi. And the best veggie omelette I think I've ever had (extra onions, please). And I just noticed they now serve 'Ice Cold BEER' as well...bonus! When I'm not in the mood for breakfast, I usually get their gyro/Greek salad combo. Or if I'm really feeling nasty, a coney dog with cheese & onions. I love this place.

So I'm sitting here tippy-tapping away on my sweet little laptop to you fine people! Sipping a cup of coffee, ruminating a bit from that omelette I left no trace of on my plate. This actually feels quite good. I wonder how my babies are doing, though.

There's actually a quite attractive guy sitting by himself in the booth right next to me.

I think after this I'm gonna head home and load the back of my car with all the cans and bottles I've collected for the past couple of months to go recycle them. You see, in Michigan, whenever you buy Cokes or beer in cans, bottles, or 2-liters (sorry...no beer in those), you pay a 10¢ deposit for every single one. So if you buy a six-pack, there's an extra 60¢. A twelve-pack, $1.20. You get the idea. So I have a big ol' garbage can out in my garage where I toss all my cans and bottles. When it gets full (it's overflowing right now), I haul them up to the grocery store where they have these machines that I feed each and every can & bottle into, one at a time. It counts them, and when I'm done, I press the little green button and it spits out a receipt. When I make it to the cashier, I hand these receipts to him/her and s/he scans them, and I either get the total taken off my grocery bill, or I walk out with a little extra cash in my wallet. A pain in the ass, but I feel good making sure I get that bit of recycling done. The RK loves helping me with it. Although he's getting big enough now that it's not such a big deal anymore.

I hope to find the motivation to clean some today, too. This would be such a good chance to get caught up on the laundry. The forecast today is...hang on, let me check the WeatherBug...92°. Tomorrow 97°. I think I might have to get some serious pool time in there as well.

Child-free. At the pool? I can't even imagine it.

Let's see...oh yes! Wimbledon! I'm so psyched for tomorrow's men's final. Yet another thrilling meeting between Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer. This has become such a great rivalry. They dominate each other on different surfaces. Nadal on the red clay of Roland Garros, Federer on the grass of Wimbledon. And the thrill of this match-up is to see if finally one of them can beat the other on that player's 'foreign' surface. Oh, their skill, oh their power, oh, the excitement! Given the five-hour time delay from London to here, I'll definitely have to set my alarm to wake up in time to watch it. And after that match is over, I'll start waiting for the end of August to roll around when the U.S. Open starts. Tennis under the lights...

The waitress just stopped by my table and filled my cup of coffee for what seems like the 10th time. I think it's time for me to go! This has been so cool, though. I think I'll have to start doing this on a regular basis. Quite enjoyable.

I hope y'all are having a wonderful weekend and a 7-7-07! May good luck grace you all!

My Wednesday

I'm finally getting some issues taken care of today. I've already gone through all of the retainer I paid my lawyer when I filed for divorce, so I have a call into her to figure out what she needs to proceed with my case. I also put a call into the homeowner's association about renting our little clubhouse for the RK's birthday party, and started formulating a guest list. Most of the people we want to invite are from the neighborhood, so that's easy.

SH never came over last night, and so far today I haven't gotten any response from the email I sent her. I hope our friendship is able to move past this.

But I must get something off my chest. And this is the best way to do it, so bear with me! It just seems to me that this whole uncomfortable, angst-ridden situation could've been completely avoided if she had just said something to me right there on the spot, instead of storming off without a word of explanation! If she had done so, I would've made my apologies right away, and eagerly sat and listened to whatever it was she wanted to talk about. End of story. And also, I have a feeling that the blog post she made last night she only gave access to me to see it. I can't exactly see her posting something like that for everyone on her friends list to see, so it was just aimed at me. I could be wrong, though. I just wish she understood that she can be more direct with me, instead of dancing around me like this. But on the timeline of life, this friendship is still quite new, and hopefully this is just one of those times when we end up learning a little more about the other and it ultimately strengthens our friendship. Only time will tell...

So I haven't heard from The Guy in a week. I've pretty much written it off. I did, however (and I don't know how smart I was in doing this), send him an email just saying thanks for what he's done for my mood and outlook, and that I can take the hint that he doesn't want to pursue this any further. I said I was disappointed, but that I also realize the odds of anything serious developing were slim to none since I'm lugging around a ton of baggage. I mentioned how he's been sort of my 'guinea pig,' now that I'm entering back into a world I never thought I would. And frankly, that's a lot to ask of someone! So I wished him well, and signed it 'your friend.' It just seemed kinda weird to me to just leave it so open-ended, so I just wanted to put a conclusion to this story. There it is. I have to admit, though, I'm still holding out a little hope that he'll call me saying he's been out of town or something, and that I got it all wrong. Bummer, but no big deal if this doesn't actually happen.

I'm not feeling quite right today. I really hope I'm not getting sick, because I have WAY too much going on right now to not have the energy to get it all taken care of.

I noticed on the calendar that tomorrow is the first day of summer! Yay! One thing I love about Michigan is how the lengthening and shortening of the days is much more exaggerated than in Texas, given we're so much further north. According to the The Weather Channel website for my area, sunset tonight is at 9:16 PM, which as I write this is only one minute away. Which means there will still be quite bit of visible daylight at 10:00. That's so cool. I hate not feeling up to speed today, or else I'd be outside enjoying the late daylight. Argh.

So that's it for me today. I think I'm gonna go to bed early.

Randomness, and finally my conversation with the IH

Alas, another Friday is upon us! My house was full of kids a little while ago...while I'm still watching the RK's good buddy, I also watched the three little girls of my neighbor that lives down the block for the morning. And it went quite well, given that I don't really have anything for little girls to play with. Well, except the IB. They LOVE him. He was sitting on the floor, surrounded by the three of them, loving the attention he was getting! I put him down for his morning nap after a while, and then we spent some time outside playing ball, decorating the driveway with chalk, soaking in a little sun.

This is going to become a regular thing...every other Friday, and instead of accepting payment, their mom has offered to watch my kids whenever I need her to. Sounds like a great idea to me!

I know the boys must be hungry for lunch, but I'm procrastinating offering them anything, because I have no earthly idea what to feed them. I'm all out of lunchmeat, and there isn't really anything in the fridge that would be good for lunch. Argh. Maybe some PB&J...although the RK isn't big on those.

Never heard from The Guy last night. Oh well. I'm trying not to freak about it. If he's decided he doesn't want to pursue this any further, that's OK. I'm still hoping I'll hear from him again, and perhaps be offered the chance to go out.

Wasn't the NBA finals this year such a big ol' dud? First of all, the Pistons didn't make it. OK, so I'll cheer for San Antonio. But they didn't need me to. Blah. I hate sweeps. BO-RING! I watched maybe 5 minutes of the game last night, then switched over to Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Then went to bed early...good for me!

OK, given that this post is taking quite a random nature, I'll fill y'all in on the talk I had with the IH this past Sunday. He has dug himself into a huge amount of debt since we separated. All on new credit cards, or ones he has taken my name off of, so I'm not really pissed about it. Anyway, he proposed that he empty out his 401(k) to pay off all this debt and get himself out of his massive cavernous hole. He has to go through me, since I'm entitled to half of whatever's in there. He even offered to pay off my bills with this money, although they're not outrageous like his, and then he threw me this bone: "And then you could maybe even put a deck on the back of the house, or something." That tempted me for about a nanosecond, but that's it. He tried expressing to me the seriousness of this situation he's in, appealing to my sympathetic nature. But what he's learning is that that ship has sailed. My reply to this particular tactic was, and I quote: "Sorry to hear that, but I really don't give a shit." I told him I'd talk to my lawyer about it, and he said he'd text me with some hard numbers, etc.

In retrospect, I've decided to not go for this. For my sake, and partly for his, as well. I don't think he has any idea yet of how he won't have nearly as much cash-in-hand as he thinks he will...Uncle Sam is going to take a GINORMOUS chunk of it, and then there will be fees, penalties, etc. to the company managing the account. It's a temporary fix for a permanent problem...

This man doesn't know the meaning of delayed gratification. He's always been all about the quick & easy fix, and just says to hell with the future consequences. He wanted and wanted and wanted a house for so long, but never did a damn thing to get him any closer to acquiring one. He's talked for years and years about opening up some sort of fast food franchise, but that's all it was....just talk. He doesn't know how not to spend money, rationalizing away every purchase, most of them totally ridiculous. He has no concept of the future, just living life day-to-day with no certain goals or dreams.

And that right there was the death sentence for our marriage. One day he woke up and decided to put everything he had been blessed with, namely his family, on the line, so he started sleeping with another woman. And as his physical desires for her grew, he continually ignored the consequences of his actions, and he kept doing it. To hell with those who have loved him the most. And ultimately, he decided that none of this was worth giving up the mind-blowing sex he was getting from this woman (and I use that term loosely). Oh well, he says. Moving on... I just don't get that. I'm very intrigued to watch how his life ultimately turns out. I know he's not headed for anything he actually thinks he is.

So anyway, the next time I hear anything about this diabolical 401(k) plan, I'm gonna make the suggestion to him that he get a second job and develop a financial plan to get his debt paid off over a period of time. I doubt he can do it, though. I don't really care what happens to him, as long as he's continually able to make those child/spousal support payments. I know 30 years from now, he'd really be kicking himself for going through with something like this now. I hope he drops this stupid idea.

I hear the IB waking up...gotta run!

My brain is nothing but a big grey lump of mush

I am so exhausted, I can barely see straight. My back is aching. And my soul is weary.

I started off the day going great guns working around the house. RK's good friend was over again a little before 8:00, and they got started right away doing what precious little boys do. Playing and discussing video games, roughhousing, making me laugh.

I had all the laundry done by 2:00 PM today. And nowadays that's a rarity around here. No matter how pathetically lacking my other homemaking skills were during my marriage, one thing I always stayed on top of was the laundry. And now that I'm forced to hone those other skills, the laundry aspect has suffered. I'm the type who likes to get it all done in one day, as opposed to those others of you who can do a load here, a load there. And since I've been the sole caretaker of this house, I've become notorious for leaving loads in the dryer for days and days. At least that load has been washed and dried...but I still feel kinda bad making the RK have to go find a clean pair of shorts in the dryer. Anyway, I did four loads, and they've all been folded and put away.

And while the laundry was off to a running start, I made and cleaned up a horrible mess in the bathroom. Yes, it involved a plunger. And then a mop. Ick.

I got my messy kitchen cleaned up, the fridge restocked with the plethora of choices of beverages I like to keep on hand, and did a good once-over on the IB's chow chair. And I washed his stroller cover & car seat cover, and got them put back on their respective frames.

So I completed all this about 2:00, and then it hit me. I was done. Cash in my chips. Throw in the towel. The boys were expecting to go to the pool this afternoon, and I begged their forgiveness for backing out on them, and promised them we'd go nice and early tomorrow and spend a good deal of time there.

And the poor IB. I wasn't a very good mommy to him today. I feel like he was so neglected today while I was getting all this stuff done. I didn't hardly play with him at all. I put him down for his 10:30 nap, and I don't think he ever went to sleep. So he sat up in his crib for the better part of two hours all by his little self. I didn't hear much from him, but it hurts my heart to think he was all alone up there, not sleeping.

I got him out of there around 12:30, and he got a bottle, and then got neglected a little longer while I got the laundry finished up and other stuff around here until my gas tank hit 'E.' So around 2:30, I tried once again to put him down for a nap so I could go take the nap I desperately needed. And he slept a good long time, but not without letting me know his disdain for being left in there yet again.

I got a good nap, too, but I'm still a little thickheaded, and I'm sure I will be for the rest of the evening. And that nap came at the disadvantage of RK and his friend. They just vegged out today in front of the XBox and those stupid TV shows on Nick.

The IB just didn't get the kind of attention today that he deserves. I hope he can forgive me. I hope these days are very few and far between for him. I hope he knows how precious to me he is, and I hope he can sense just how much I truly love and adore him. Oh, that sweet little soul...

Never heard from The Guy last night. Today I haven't been driving myself crazy over that, because it had only been since the night before that we'd talked. But here it is 9:08 PM, and I'm once again willing my phone to ring.

One of my favorite things about Ann Arbor, MI in the summer starts this weekend. It's called "Top of the Park," and they have live music acts, food & drink, and during the week, they show movies after dark. That's another great first date I thought of...plenty of opportunity to talk, in quite a romantic atmosphere. So now maybe I should figure out how to drop a hint or two without making it look like that's what I'm doing.

That is, if he calls me again.

OK...that's all I can think of to talk about now. I'm pooped.

I shouldn't be blogging

I have so many other things I should be doing. I have an anxiety in me right now that I hate. I used to have these angst-ridden days a lot more often just a few months ago, and they were always a lot more severe. I'm so glad I'm making progress out of it, but I guess even in the best of circumstances, these days will occasionally come around.

My house needs some attention yet again. The living room is pretty trashed, and I think what has me really worked up is how the laundry pile has magically multiplied overnight...or so it seems. The IB has occupational therapy at 2:00 today, and his appointments are usually in the morning. I wish it was in the morning. Because that way I could get it out of the way and not have to plan so much of my time beforehand around that. The RK still has his friend coming over for the day this week until his regular childcare starts. I wanted to take the kids swimming around 2:00...argh.

I called The Guy last night after both kids were finally in bed, and we talked for about two hours. It was a good conversation overall, but still not as 'revealing' as I would've hoped. So today, this is another source of my anxiety. I've got so many doubts and questions about this whole thing. And I'm trying so hard to keep it real about the possibility of this actually going anywhere. I truly feel like I'm back in high school! My teenage years were basically filled with me liking guys that didn't like me the same way, and today I'm feeling all of the anxiety that came with that way back when.

Did he hate being on the phone with me for so long ('til midnight) and was just dying to hang up but didn't want to be rude?

Is he coming to the conclusion that our initial attraction was only skin deep and there's really nothing he wants to pursue here?

Why won't he suggest we try to get together? We haven't seen each other since the wedding...going on two weeks now. I really have no issue being the one to make this move first, but given that my relationship and marriage to the IH was so totally un-romantic, I'd really like for this to take more of a traditional route. After feeling like such a bane of IH's existence, I really want The Guy to let me know that he'd love to spend some more time with me and then actually try to make it happen. I mean, how long can we go with only talking on the phone before it just starts feeling ridiculous?

So now I'm back to playing my waiting game. We seem to be pretty good at trading phone calls back and forth, and since I called him last night, now I must wait to see if he wants to keep this going. I wonder...does he play a waiting game for me? Does he want to hear from me? Was he hoping I'd call, and then was happy that I did?

Ack...I hate this and love it all at the same time.

I really hate how my mind always goes to the worst case scenario. But I guess given the way things have gone for me in the past, I'd really have to be pretty deluded to think I was all that. But I am a totally different person now than I was the last time I was a part of the dating world, so I shouldn't be thinking and feeling all those old-me things. But I just can't help it. Some things you just never grow out of.

I'm still really hoping this thing with The Guy has some legs. It has been such an exciting and refreshing distraction from the shit that has been my life for so many, many months now. And again...I'm trying to keep it real, but boy would I love it if I'm headed into a great new relationship! One thing I need to be careful about, though - if it does turn into something cool, I have to be sure to not let this get in the way of my individual rebirth. I need to keep learning how to define myself as my own autonomous person.

OK...I think I've wasted way too much time on here. Hopefully now I've been able to expunge some of my anxiety onto this blog, and I can focus on what I need to get done for the day.

More to come...still must let y'all know about my little chat with IH this past Sunday.