The Year of La Vida Loca

Greetings blogosphere! Gosh, where do I start? That itch to divulge all these thoughts, ideas, opinions, and ramblings going on in my head has been growing to a point where I need to scratch it. So I'm scratching it.

So how the heck is everyone? Is anyone even still out there? Have I been away so long that that I've finally slipped out of my former readers' minds? I guess I have a lot of ground to make up since my last entry exactly 233 days ago.

But I feel like prioritizing my life is crucial. And given the new chapter my life began last winter, keeping up with this blog was just not possible. Working a full-time job and then coming home to take care of my two precious boys had proven to be indescribably time-consuming and....well, exhausting. As I grow older, the one thing I'm discovering is that the first place I start to feel exhaustion is my mind. When all is said and done at the end of a long day, my babies are tucked snugly into their cozy beds, and I would finally have the opportunity to sit in front of my trusty little computer and write, my brain was well on its way to termination of all activity for the day. Trust me...you probably wouldn't have had any idea what I was saying if I had even tried!

But now, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting a handle on this new life of mine. The sense of being completely overwhelmed is receding somewhat, and progress is being made. Slowly, but surely. Right now I'm feeling quite encouraged.

This past weekend was just me and the RK. I asked the IX if he could only take the IB for this weekend so the RK and I could dig out his bedroom from the insane, massive amounts of junk and dust it had succumbed to over the course of the last couple of years. And now, it's beeeee-u-ti-ful. The RK and I have made a pact to not let it get to the state it was in again.

We filled up four garbage bags full of crap. Lots of toys with missing integral parts, strange random little objects that neither of us had any idea where they had come from, etc. And we passed down quite a few objects to the IB. A bunch of stuff went from one bedroom closet over to the other. Lots of books. A few toys. A sizeable amount of stuffed animals. Anyway, the RK and I both have a very satisfied and accomplished feeling tonight over that bedroom. And now, I just need to get my room taken care of. I'm so ashamed of its condition, I don't even care to speak of it. {Shudder}

The RK and I really needed this weekend to spend with just each other. The IB takes up so much of my attention, and often a lot of the RK's as well. So it was really nice to have it just the two of us. We went out to dinner last night, where he wolfed down a full-sized adult burger. He said it was the best burger he'd ever had. Yesterday we ended up being lazy all day, watching movies, napping, playing Wii (that he got for his birthday from my mom back in June). We didn't have to worry about keeping tabs on the incredible two-year-old force of destruction that is the IB. We need to do this on a regular basis, I think. Before the IB came along, it was just the RK for nine years; but what I think is kinda cool is that he and I both agreed it's really hard to remember what that was like now. And in a good way...neither of us really miss it all that much!

So in the interest of not going for the longest post in the history of the blogosphere, I'm going to try to catch up on everything that has gone on in my life this year in subsequent posts, but I'll hit the big points briefly in this initial re-introduction.

First up, my job. It's still going well, but it's had its ups and downs. I've been working really hard to integrate into the dynamics of the office, with mixed results. It turns out I came in right before a huge and unplanned shake-up in how things were being run, and because of that, I, as the very lowest man on the totem pole, ended up taking quite a bit of heat as revelations came out and adjustments had to be made. But I'm still there. And more determined than ever. Again...details to follow.

Next, P. We had a really good run of it until early May. Really good. And then, all of a sudden, he felt the need to come up with some lame excuse about why it wasn't going to work out, and that was that. (Again...details to follow.) I was very hurt and confused, but compared to what I had gone through with my divorce, it wasn't all that difficult to pick up and carry on with life as usual.

..so at that point, the idea of a fun, exciting summer was at the forefront of my mind, and I decided to re-up my subscription on the dating site for a month. I met a few guys, but nothing panned out to bring that 'summer' idea to fruition. And now at this point, I'm perfectly happy flying solo...cuz ya know what? Dating is stressful! I've really been enjoying just being me, not freaking out over all my insecurities, not having the anxiety that comes with starting to let someone brand new into my life. Or shall I say, our lives.

OK, there I hit the biggest points, and will expound on them more in future posts. As well as add some others. I'm gonna keep writing, though, and hope that some of my previous readers will find their way back here (perhaps with a few new ones as well). Because I have been thinking of you, and keeping up with your tales...at least a few of you. So anyway, if any of you did happen to keep this feed in your readers, drop me a comment and say hi! You have no idea how that would thrill me. Maybe I'll finally come completely out of the shadows and start dropping a few comments of my own as well...

A little more about me

The days are turning into weeks, and the weeks into months so quickly! I can't believe I'm already to another Friday. And in the middle of May already? Wow.

Even though I'm a stay-at-home mom, the weekends still hold a special significance for me...fun, relaxation, no worries. Although I really have more responsibilities on the weekends than I do during the week...I'm actually in charge of my nine-year-old instead of school. But he's so much fun...he's really a joy to have around, and I'm so lucky to be his mom.

I'll refer to him as The Rotten Kid...RK for short. He hates it when I call him that. He used to be my Itty-Bitty, but much to my dismay, he outgrew that name. I love making him happy, which in turn, makes him rotten. But a good rotten...he's very grounded, and has a good head on his shoulders. I love yanking his chain. I tell him that my sole purpose for living now is to torture him and drive him crazy. We have lots of fun.

I'm also pleased to report that the nickname of 'Itty-Bitty' has been taken once again in my life! Yup, that's right, I also have an almost-nine-month-old son! He was a total surprise...well, given my circumstances at the time he was conceived, I'd say 'shock' is more appropriate of a word. I'm still a little in shock, too, over being a mom of two. I had been a mom to one child for so long, I'd gotten used to it. I was content with the RK being an only child...I was an only child, and I turned out OK. And then there's that whole 'doing my part to keep from overpopulating the world' stance. This new addition to my life is amazing...making the RK a big brother is awesome. He was meant to be a big brother. He loves his baby brother so much! Watching the two of them grow a relationship is so amazing to me.

What is so devastating, though, is their father has decided he doesn't want to live with us anymore. He and I are in the middle of divorcing, and I am deep in mourning for the death of my marriage. I am devastated over his breaking his promise to me when we got married that I would never be put in this position. Or my kids. I'll be fine...I'm a big girl. But my sons miss their dad so much. Especially RK.

You see, he's now living with who I thought was my best friend up here. And I have such very different feelings for each of them. I fought so hard to save my marriage for my kids, and for myself, but one thing I've learned is that it's not all up to me. I'm getting to the point where I can imagine a new life for me, but some days it's still very hard. I still have some serious issues with all this, but so far I think I'm doing as well as anyone can expect. My kids still have a happy life, despite their father being absent.

We just bought a house a little over a year ago, too. So imagine what I'm thinking about my husband having bought a house with me, and now he's left it all for me to take care of. But I'm up for the challenge! It's not the cleanest dwelling in the land, but it's definitely not the nastiest, either. I recently learned how to operate a lawn mower, and I cut the grass all by myself. That was a HUGE one for me. I still have a long way to go, though.

I'm without the RK tonight. His Cub Scout den went on an excursion to spend the night on a WWII submarine docked over on the west coast of Michigan. So my idiot husband (IH) picked him up early from school and they headed out around 3:00 today. So I'm feeling a little lost right now! It's kinda nice, too, though. I've got the Itty-Bitty in bed, and now my mommy responsibilities are done for the night. Hmmm....maybe I'll have a cocktail...

The Reason

I'm still not exactly sure what I'm going to do with this new blog. This isn't my first one, and given my history with starting and abandoning diaries/journals, whether they be on paper, a Word file, or yes, blogs, I'm not sure how committed to this one I'll be. But for some reason, I feel compelled to start yet another one.

I currently have one going on my MySpace page, but I've gotten to the point where I don't really feel like spilling my guts on there anymore, because people in my life that I know and love read it. That just limits my ability to be totally candid. I created my MySpace page to keep in touch with said loved ones, and to keep them up to date on what's going on in my world. But I just can't share everything in my heart for them all to see. So this is my own little secret...just mine. It is completely autonomous from everyone in my life. Let's just hope I can keep my big mouth shut.

My very first blog I created for the same reason I have created this one. To give me a place where I could open up and say whatever I want, whatever I feel, to get out the multitude of thoughts and ideas that torture me, to lighten my burden...somewhat. But it turns out I unknowingly started that blog at a very critical juncture in my life, and as the events unfolded, I ended up telling quite a few people about it. And a lot of wrong people gained access to it. That's not why I abandoned it, though...at least not the whole reason. I have been through the most excruciating time thus far in my 34 years, and as I was trying to hang on, cope with, and come to terms with my whole world being revealed as one big enormous lie, sitting down and writing about it was way more than I could handle.

I feel like I've come through the very worst of it now, and a tiny little speck of light is starting to shine at the end of my dark, terrifying, evil tunnel. So I'm going to give this another go. With no intended audience, with no worries about how it's going to be received, without a lick of hesitation to write whatever the hell I want (see? I just said a bad word!). So if you happen upon this new brainchild of mine, I invite you to stick around. Let's see how this unfolds together. Like I said, I have no intended audience, but if my unique trains of thought on here intrigue you, you are more than welcome to come along this ride with me. And feel free to offer your own thoughts along the way...it will be encouraging for me to know that this all won't be just randomly floating around out in cyberspace.

I am an eternal optimist. My glass isn't just half-full, it's full. There is no empty. My faith in humanity has been deeply shaken, but not destroyed. But my faith in God has never wavered. There has been a very dark, ominous cloud over my head now for the last...oh, nineteen months or so, and despite being soaked to the bone by its rain, and being painfully struck time and time again by its fierce, merciless lightning, after having been left cold, shivering, and wounded, my eyes have never left the silver lining. God has definitely led me into the valley of death, but He has never abandoned me, and my faith and my hope lie in Him to lead me out of it, to joy and happiness I never knew existed.

My pain is starting to lessen, but my future is still full of so much uncertainty. And I'm still utterly terrified. But I'm already bearing witness to growth. I'm already a very different person now than I was before this all began, when my life as I knew it ended. I have been forced to step out of my way-too-comfortable comfort zone and do things I never imagined in a million years I'd ever be capable of doing. I have already accomplished a lot. But I still have so much further to go!

I know I'm being quite cryptic and vague at this point, but don't worry. You'll get to know me, and learn the specifics of my circumstances...but all in due time. I gotta keep you wanting more, right?