Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Blahby blahby blah...

I have so much I need to do today. I'm gonna try to get the upstairs bathrooms tackled. They're funky. Nasty. Totally gross. Gag me with a spoon.

I still haven't gotten out onto the lawn to get it fertilized and watered yet, either. I took the weedwhacker out and 'cut' the grass that actually has been growing, and I think the proper term for that is 'hack job.' Pretty bad. But, I think it really looks better than it did.

When the IB and I got home from walking the RK to the bus stop this morning, I noticed that my right front tire is completely, totally flat. It's a good thing I don't really have anywhere to go today...I'll figure out how to get the spare on it sometime today. (Ya know, that's one thing I love about my car. I drive a 2004 Honda CR-V, which means I have a full-sized spare that rides on the back. No puny little donut.)

So SH called me yesterday morning as the IB and I were leaving his occupational therapy session. She had had an appointment to get her cast removed from her arm to X-Ray it and see how it has been healing. (Remind me to tell you about how that happened.) She said that it hasn't been healing, and she was really bummed. Pissed. Irate. She said she was going to take the rest of the day off, needed a little retail therapy, did I want to come. I said sure, even though I was so totally exhausted from the holiday weekend. So we shlepped up to the outlet mall for the afternoon, and I spent around $200 on clothes for the kids, mostly. A little for me. I need shorts, desperately. This divorce has caused me to shrink down three sizes from what I was before I got pregnant, so all the clothes I have are WAY too big for me. So now I'm trying to create a new wardrobe for my much smaller body.

I'd have to say that this is the coolest thing about this divorce. I love being a size 4. I hope I can keep it this way.

I also got an outfit to wear to a wedding reception this Friday night. SH's old friend from high school is getting married, and while we can't go to the wedding itself, we're gonna go party like it's 1999. Her hubby flat-out said he didn't want to go the day the invitation came in the mail, so SH and I have been planning on me being her date for quite a while! I'm should be a lot of fun. SH says it's gonna be a trailer park reunion. It should be entertaining, if nothing else.

I asked the IH to come babysit for me Friday. I'm very apprehensive about this. I don't trust him. He's demonstrated that he has absolutely no respect for me, even as the mother of his children. I don't feel very comfortable leaving him alone in the house. I wouldn't put it past him to snoop through all my stuff, or even after I'm gone, invite her over. I'm gonna make sure my neighbors keep an eye on the house while I'm gone. I can't stand the thought of her even setting foot in this house.

OK...I need to get off this contraption and go do something productive. Like clean the bathrooms. And get my bank accounts and credit cards reconciled. After yesterday, I need to figure out where I am on my balances and stuff.

Ouch. I don't wanna know.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Happy Memorial Day!

Is it just me, or did the French Open start a day earlier than usual? I've never known a Grand Slam tennis tournament to start on a Sunday. And I can't find anything explaining it online, which makes me think it's just me. If there's anyone out there reading this that has an explanation or knows of a place where I can read about it, please shoot me a's really driving me crazy.

I'm really geeked that the Grand Slam tennis season is here once again. Tennis is such a great distraction for me until football season rolls around. I love watching tennis. I've grown up watching tennis. ("Mommy, they're playing deuce!") Over the years, I've learned all the rules, the scoring, the strategies, the strengths and weaknesses of one particular surface over another. For instance: Americans suck on clay, while anyone from a Spanish/Portuguese-speaking country rules the school. Grass seems to be the universal surface with no major drawbacks, and hardcourt is where Americans shine. I would make such a great chair umpire. I'm not any good at playing the game, but I could definitely referee it.

The French Open is my least favorite tourney. Well, the Australian Open doesn't thrill me much, because it's always airing in the middle of the night, and besides, they play it in January or February, don't they? And I can't decide if I like Wimbledon or the U.S. Open the most. I love the U.S. Open because the tennis facility is equipped with lights. That means sometimes we get to stay up late, late, late to watch thrilling, incredible, exciting tennis into the wee hours of the morning. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, that's when the best tennis always happens.

Oh....come on football season....

The RK just came in the house from spending the night at a friend's house here in the neighborhood. It was a last minute thing...he had been playing over there for the better part of the afternoon into the evening, and when he's 45 minutes late from getting home at 6:00 like I asked him to, I get a phone call.

"Mommy, I know I'm already 45 minutes late, but can I stay longer? We're having so much fun."

"Sure, sweetie. I'll see you in a little while."

So then I get another call around 8:30:

"Mommy, can I please please please please PLEASE spend the night???"

I agree, and ask to speak to his friend's mom. She says she just doesn't want to break up the fun they've been having, that it's pefectly all right if he stays, that they have PJ's and a sleeping bag he can borrow. I express my overwhelmingly heartfelt gratitude, get back on the phone with the RK to give the obligatory spiel about being a nice boy, listening to his friend's mom, and being polite, saying please and thank you and all that good stuff. Then I wish him a good night, and say I'll see him in the morning.

So around 9:00 this morning, he comes riding back on his bicycle and is getting ready to flop down on the couch for a nap (I guess he didn't get a whole lot of sleep while he was over there) when I make him go upstairs to take a shower and brush his teeth. It had already been way too many days since his last shower, and after spending the night without any clean clothes to wear or a toothbrush, I knew he'd feel a lot better if he got this one task over with. So now he's clean, in clean clothes, minty-fresh breath, asleep on the couch. Sweet baby boy...

That wasn't even the start of RK's holiday weekend festivities. Yesterday morning around 10:00, I get a call from the mom of another one of Justin's friends in the neighborhood, inviting him to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie at 10:30. The RK is still asleep, so I go and get him waked up, dressed, teeth & hair brushed, and he gets to go have a great time at the movies with a good friend.

It does my heart so good to see that we're really making a life for ourselves here and making new, dear friends that live so close. I love this house.

Saturday night we BBQ'ed over at SH's house, and I contributed some beautiful mouth-watering country-style spare ribs. They ended up being totally yummy. So we sat out in their garage until around midnight talking, drinking and eating, while it rained.

I hate it when it rains on Memorial Day weekend. This is supposed to be the weekend to celebrate the beginning of summer! No rain, please! Today's forecast is beautiful, though...sunny and mid-70's. So hopefully we'll be able to enjoy it to its full potential.

Yesterday was also consumed with me avoiding anything having to do with the Indy 500 like the plague. I couldn't help but catch the scroll at the bottom of the screen on ESPN2 during tennis coverage, though, and learned that they had to stop the race for rain. I'm thinking, 'Great. If they get to restart the race, I'll have that much longer today to try to avoid it.' Last evening, though, I couldn't help but read some of the recaps. So I know who won.

While I didn't really let it slow me down too much, the fact that my husband was at the race without us, by choice, was constantly in the back of my mind. I tried to distract myself as much as possible without letting it get me down. But I am just so sad. And then SH expressed her thought that the least he could've done was to take the RK with him for a weekend of father-son bonding.

But this raises another question in my mind: did she go? I mean, he's made it perfectly clear that I've been replaced. He took her to the company Christmas party after I'd been to the previous eight. He's expressed to me on more than one occasion that if he had things his way, I'd just disappear from the picture and he'd have our kids, her, and her kids. In this house. Whatever. I mean, can he have such non-feelings for me anymore? How did it get to where I mean so little to him when he means so much to me?

And I'm really wondering what's up with him not really making much of an effort to see his kids. We've had this thing worked out where he would come over here on Saturdays and Sunday and spend most of those days over here with the boys. But he hasn't done that in quite a while. I mean, he has been working his ass off during the month, but still...he seems to be perfectly content not seeing them. He took the RK to a movie last Sunday, but spent very little time with the IB. And he just dropped off the RK without coming in with him for a little while. He hasn't made any sort of effort to see them at any other time...evenings, or whatever. He really has said that his kids are the #1 priority, yet he demonstrates that they're not, every single day he leaves work and goes home to his homewrecking whore and her kids. It truly just makes me sick.

I've been having the feeling in the back of my mind, though, that his head is starting to build up pressure from the situation he's put himself in. His way of dealing with anythig negative in the past has been to just skirt around it and ignore it as long as possible. I believe that's exactly what he's done by walking out on us. He wasn't willing to dig down deep and face his issues and his demons head-on to fix this situation. I think it scares the shit out of him, and he's terrified of having to stare down his multitude of dysfunctions. So his solution is to just trade one set of problems for another. And he'll wind up in the same position with her that we were in when he first became an adulterer.

But I'm feeling like his life is getting to the point where his demons are getting so big that he's not going to be able to keep pushing them under the rug for much longer. I think that's why he hasn't been making too much of an effort to see his kids. I think the reality of what he's done is starting to catch up to him, and the guilt is making it to where it's starting to hurt to see his kids.

Of course, I could be totally wrong. The other side of me thinks he doesn't have one lick of a conscience, and that his growing absence in the lives of his children is due to him just not caring. I truly have no idea what could possibly going through his heart or his mind....I realize now that all these years we've been together, he's keep them securely locked away from even me.

OK...enough of this. Whoever's out there, thanks for reading. It does me good to get this stuff out of my head and into print. I hope y'all enjoy your Memorial Day today, and don't forget to take a moment or two to reflect on what this day is really supposed to be all about.

Saturday, May 26, 2007


So this is the start of Memorial Day weekend, 2007. Holy crap, is it really 2007? I can't believe we're already closer to the end of this decade than we are to the beginning of it.

My baby turns 10 this year. This time, one decade ago, I was a big fat whale, so excited for the birth of my first child.

I was a newlywed, too.

I look back on the past decade of my life, and boy, I never imagined in a million years I'd end up where I am right now.

It's sad....horribly, heartbreakingly sad....yet at the same time, very empowering.

I think back on the past, the shit I've been through...the good, the glorious...
...and the bad.

The awful...



My future right now is very different from how it was this time one decade ago.

I'm finally learning that my crystal ball is a little on the fritz.
I've gotta learn how to stop depending so much on it.

...and how to depend less on the promises made by those who are dearest to me.
Because it turns out I might not be so dear to them after all.

So many lessons learned...
...way too late.

But perhaps it's not that late...I still have a lot ahead of me.
A lot to look forward to.
And I don't even know what it is.

It's just so different now. So altered. So off-track...
...or so I thought.

Perhaps I'm still right on track, and just don't know it.

Friday, May 25, 2007

What a day!

I am just all atwitter right now...I just finished watching the season finale of Lost. Oh, how am I going to wait the whole summer???? From one episode to the next, this show has its ups and downs. But overall, as a series, it's just absolutely brilliant TV.

I've become somewhat of a addict, and every week, some guy named Daniel who works for TMZ, posts a minute by minute recap of each episode, throwing in his thoughts, theories and opinions as he goes. And he's got quite a following. And I have become one of the masses. He has decided that over the summer hiatus, he's going to continue his blog entries with the season one DVD's. I think I just might have to go along on this ride with him. This show is so complex, I could definitely use a refresher on stuff that I've completely forgotten about.

I got my maiden voyage into landscaping completed last evening! I planted some flowers in my Grecian urn planter, hung up a couple of hanging baskets on my porch, got my Mother's Day geranium into a planter, and got my mess cleaned up from planting the bushes. And the front of my house looks so much better! It's nothing award-winning, but it's not bare and plain-jane anymore. Yay me!

But now I'm in a bit of a pickle. Remember back on Monday when I was telling about getting my hostas planted? Allow me to quote: "But today, I got busy...I dug a lot of the concrete chunks and rocks out of it..." So where were was it all going? Into an extra empty large trash can that I had in the corner of my garage. And now I can't move the damn thing. The two wheels start to buckle when I get it tilted. So I thought I'd try it with the hand truck we bought during the move. Surely it would be tough enough to do this for me, right? Wrong! Its tires started buckling, too! I guess I'm gonna have to dig all that dirt back out and put it in a multitude of smaller containers. Or the same few containers over and over again...

You see, my plan is to sneak down to the lot down the block where there's a mountain of dirt that's been dug up for a basement, and make my own little donation. It's not going to be as easy as I was hoping, though.

Ya know, I think that last sentence pretty much sums it all up for home improvement projects, doesn't it? I've got to figure out what to do with all the sod I ripped up, too. The garbage company doesn't do yard waste.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I really wanted to get the lawn mowed yesterday, too, but decided against it, due to the forecast yesterday. 90+°!?!? So yesterday was work-on-the-inside-of-the-house day. My kitchen was such a mess... but not anymore! I got the mail cleaned off the end of the counter, washed all those gallderned baby bottles, ran the dishwasher (and emptied it, too...all in the same day! Holy crap!), and unburied the dining table from all of its junk. It feels really good to start getting my life in some sort of order. I'm really hoping that I can start streamlining my methods for maintaining a clean kitchen counter and dining table. That is the hardest thing for me...I'm so bad about using any raised horizontal surface to put stuff on to be dealt with later. And it just gets added to, and added to, and added to. Until said raised horizontal surface is completely buried. And it drives me absolutely crazy! Maybe we'll actually start dining at the dining table once again. Now there's a novel idea! Today I knocked a lot off of my 'must get done right away' list, but I still have quite a ways to go to feeling like I'm in control of this house and it's not controlling me.

After a day like yesterday, I'm starting to wonder, "What's gotten into me?" But the more I think about it, the question I should be asking is "What's getting out of me?" And the answer to that is, self-doubt, my defeatist attitude, my poor self-esteem, my lack of self-confidence. I guess I'm finally surrendering it all, and letting my sorry excuse of a husband take it all with him. He can go start dumping it all on her. Looking back on my marriage, it's so easy to see how I got into such a funk about what I'm capable of doing. He wasn't abusive, or anything (well, is there such a thing as 'emotional abuse?), but he definitely didn't portray a sense of belief in me, being proud of me, encouragement, or acceptance of me just the way I am, the good and the bad. His love was extremely conditional on my changing to be just the way he wanted. And I wouldn't cave to that. I wanted to make him so happy, but subconsciously I knew that I wouldn't be getting anything in return out of it. So I guess looking back on it now, what I was doing was waiting for some sign from him that he was willing to reciprocate. And it never came.

His idea of happiness is pretty whacked. And it's really quite sad. So until he acknowledges the fact that he's got so much to learn about living life and being happy, and decides he's got something to learn, my boys and I are much better off without him. I still have a little bit of hope that he'll see what he's walking away from and have a cathartic change of heart, but I've also been trying to prepare myself to move on without him.

I could keep going, but I'll spare you. I need to go get something productive done.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Homage to my Home State

Thus far in this blog, I have failed to fully portray a very important side of me. I am a proud Texan. To the level of being rather obnoxious about it, in fact. I have a Texas flag tattooed on my right ankle. I can think offhand of at least 5 t-shirts up in my closet right now portraying the greatness of the state of Texas. And that's not counting my University of Texas t-shirts...there's quite a few of those, too. I have a Longhorn steerhead sticker on the back window of my car with the state flag superimposed on it, along with a UT Longhorns license plate cover surrounding my Michigan license plate. I already have it all planned out how I'm going to make my downstairs half-bath my Texas bathroom. During football season, I have a Longhorn banner that I fly over my front porch on UT game days. I also have a Texas state flag that flies at the same time, usually, and also on March 2nd, Texas Independence Day. I'll talk and talk and talk about Texas to you until you're crying for mercy.

So imagine my delight when I found this wonderful little video today on YouTube. Enjoy!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Coming a Body Near Me own body...I couldn't exactly work that title to make perfect sense. Anyway, I am going to be so sore tomorrow, I'm hoping I'm still able to function.

I am the best kind of exhausted tonight. I finally got down & dirty (literally) in my front yard and planted my burning bushes. I attempted to get this done yesterday, but discovered that digging three holes about a foot deep wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. I got the sod torn up yesterday, and that ended up being quite a chore. And I now know the importance of marking out the area I want to landscape. I did it flying blind, and discovered that I gradually narrowed my bed as know, like when you're writing on a piece of unlined paper and your writing starts tilting up or down. So I ended up having to go back and tear out smaller pieces of sod to make the bed a perfect rectangle. I got it done, though. I regret not having done this last year before the sod had taken root really well. I guess it's good I got it done now,'d probably be even harder in subsequent years.

So then came time to start digging the holes. Ummm...yeah. The ground was hard, hard, hard. I ran across the street to ask SH about this, and she said to soak it real good with water, and maybe that would loosen it up. I was really nervous at this point. I was so afraid that it wouldn't work and I wouldn't be able to accomplish this task on my own. So last evening, the RK & I soaked it real good with the garden hose, and when I went out to work on it about 2:00 today, the dirt started coming up. Along with a 2x4 about a foot long, with a bent up rusty nail sticking out of it no less, a massive chunk of concrete plus lots of smaller ones, and even a small piece of siding. I relocated quite a few earthworms during this process, too.

The digging actually went a lot better than I was afraid it would, and tonight, I have three beautiful burning bushes adorning the front of my house, and one minor injury. There's a little bit of a blister on the inside area of my left thumb. I didn't get my mess cleaned up, tools are still lying on the lawn, and the bonus presents I found are still there as well.

The boys and I went up to Lowe's this evening to get some more mulch, because I ran out with less than a foot of ground left to cover. And I went ahead and picked up some hanging flower baskets, a couple of creeping flower plants to put in my Grecian urn-looking planter, some lawn fertilizer, a planter for the geranium I received on Mother's Day, and plant food. So my plan for tomorrow is to get the lawn mowed while the IB is napping, even though tomorrow's forecast is for record heat, fertilize it, water it, get my hanging baskets hung and my flowers planted. Then the front of my house should be b-e-a-utiful! (I love Jim Carrey...remember that from Bruce Almighty? Great flick.)

The only problem with all this is that the inside of my house has completely gone down the crapper. It is such a mess. I'm horrible at mind has been totally dedicated to getting this gardening done, as has my time. And my kitchen's a mess, all the baby bottles need to be washed (AGAIN...I'm so sick of doing that), the RK informed me he's already out of clean socks, both the upstairs bathrooms are in desperate need of some attention, the inside of my vacuum cleaner has not been collecting dust like the outside has, and a trip to the grocery store is mandatory in the very near future. And somehow I have to find the time and the energy to get it done without neglecting my babies! All I can say is, thank God for pizza delivery...I haven't exactly been too gung-ho about cooking these last few evenings, either. The IB is lucky he's been getting fed!

Again...what a great exhaustion I'm feeling tonight. It's so awesome accomplishing something I never thought I could do. I seem to be doing a lot of that here lately.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

He just beats everything...

I just found a text from my idiot almost-ex-husband.

Fyi. Out of town this weekend.

Oh really? Hmmm....where could he possibly be going? Let's's Memorial Day weekend....perhaps Indianapolis? For the Indy 500? One of my favorite things that we did together for so many years? I managed to survive knowing it was Pole Qualifying this past weekend, which is when we'd usually go to Indy to enjoy 500 festivities. But he and I have been to three Indy 500's together, the most recent being last year. With the RK. And my big ol' round belly. Some of my fondest memories from my marriage are at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. And it absolutely irritates the hell outta me that our shared memories aren't any more sacred to him like they are for me.

A little of the backstory... You see, he works for an engineering firm in the metro Detroit area that builds Indycar engines, among other things. He's one of the hands-on guys that actually assembles the engines. This is what he's been doing since I met him, way back in 1994. I didn't give a flyin' flip about auto racing until I met him. And I've grown to love the sport, and everything associated with it.

In 1996, after he and I had moved in together, the opportunity for him to take a job on an actual Indycar team came knocking. And I was the one that encouraged him to take the job, and assured him that I would be right there with him, by his side, supporting him all the way. As far as I'm concerned, that was when I married him. We only made it official a few months after having arrived in Indy, when I was six months pregnant. (Yes, I white trash...nothing I can do about it now.) In fact, I was already pregnant when we moved, and we had no idea.

So the first two years of our marriage, he was traveling to every race. He usually wasn't gone for very long at a time...usually just the weekends. But once or twice a year, when the races were extremely international (Gold Coast, Australia; Motegi, Japan, etc.), he'd be gone for more than two weeks sometimes. And he never once heard a complaint outta me. I got the biggest thrill out of being able to turn on the TV on Sunday afternoons, cheer on the drivers for the team that he worked for, and desperately try to spot him in the pit alley during pit stops. He hated that job, though, given that he's not a very good air traveler. He always said that those two years on the race team took ten years off his life.

In Nov. 1998, he basically took a job doing the same exact thing he was doing back in Texas before joing the race team. In fact, just about everyone from there moved up here when the company they all worked for sort of restructured. So we were actually reunited with a bunch of our friends from home when we came here. And, the rest is history, as they say.

So anywho, I responded to his text. I held my tongue, though.

great. have fun at the race.

But I just couldn't leave it at that. And here's where I really held my tongue.

ya know, for saying that your kids are your #1 priority, you sure don't act like it.

Over the past four weeks or so, IH has spent a minimal amount of time with his kids. He has been working his usual insanely long hours for the month of May, and I don't fault him for that in the slightest. But it just seems to me that if his kids were as important to him as he proclaims they are, he'd rather spend some long-awaited quality time with them this weekend, now that his work schedule has settled down a bit.

And yes, it absolutely kills me that he's going to the race without me. I have always been his biggest fan. The sound that comes from those cars at that speedway is amazing...and I was always so proud of my husband that he created that. His profession has given me so many unbelievably exciting and special memories with him that I will always cherish. But now, they're all tainted with such a horrible sadness and regret.

My heart is so broken for him that he has such a messed up list of priorities, and that he has so blinded himself that he wouldn't know true love if it smacked him upside the head.

So be it.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Another X on the calendar

I don't know why I'm sitting here typing on this computer. It's almost midnight. I should be going to bed! But I'm just now finally getting to where my chores for the day are done. And I don't know why, but I don't even feel like watching Dancing with the Stars that I DVR'ed tonight. Or Heroes. That show has kinda lost me. It's the season finale, so I'll get around to watching sometime tomorrow, I bet.

I'm so glad this TV season is coming to an end. It's really interesting how my addiction to TV has begun to wane. I grew up with the TV on all the time, and that's definitely something that has continued with me into adulthood. I've always disliked my obsession with TV, and frankly, I'm glad I'm getting to where it's not such a huge thing to me anymore. Plus, I have a subscription to Netflix, and my $15.89/month has pretty much been going to waste since this programming season began last fall. The whole reason I subscribed was to give me something to watch on nights when TV didn't have anything to offer...that was last summer. So now, the next summer is rolling around, and maybe I'll kick my movie-watching back up into high gear.

Something was up with my IB tonight. I just now finally got him down for the night (hopefully)! I put him to bed around 7:30, and after coming inside from cleaning up the driveway & sidewalk (more about that later), I heard him start to cry on the baby monitor. And he got really worked up. So I went upstairs and rocked him a little bit, and he started to doze off in my lap. He's not a sound sleeper by any means, so I knew I wouldn't be able to lay him down without him waking up. But he started his wailing back up again, so after waiting about 15 minutes or so, I made him a short bottle of formula, went back in there, and we sat in the rocking chair while he drank, and then rocked some more when he was done. This time, he didn't doze off like the first time, but he calmed down. When I tried to lay him down again, he let out a couple of little fusses, but right now...silence. Bless his little heart...I wonder if he had a bad dream or something. I read somewhere that even babies his age can have bad dreams.

I am so lucky to be his mommy. I am so glad he's in my life! He is so cute, so sweet, so utterly precious! And he knows it, too. He has a way of attracting attention from anyone...and then he rewards them with the cutest little smile with his one little tooth poking up from his bottom gum. It's amazing how he wraps everyone around that fat little finger of his. He is such a happy baby! Sometimes I feel like I'm just gonna absolutely bust wide open from how much I love him. I actually kind of enjoyed the time I spent with him while he was so upset this evening. I get such a satisfying feeling from rocking him, comforting him, holding him close, giving him nice soft touches, talking to him in a soft voice, saying positive, loving things. I just think of all the poor little babies in this world who don't get such...never feeling safe, secure, comfortable, happy...and those who the only touches they get are hard and painful. So heartbreaking.

So today I started another never-in-a-million-years-did-I-think-I-do-this project. My house has a little piece of ground between my sidewalk and side of the garage, and it's been so ugly with nothing in it. Well, there were quite a few weeds. But today, I got busy...I dug a lot of the concrete chunks and rocks out of it, and planted five beautiful hostas. I've been told they are very hearty, and can grow in just about anything...good thing, because that little plot of land is still full of gravel and quite a few rocks. But I did it, and now it looks great! I added topsoil, mulch, the whole bit. I don't have a clue what I'm doing, but this is how I learn, I guess. I also have three gorgeous burning bushes in my garage that I'm planning on planting along my front porch tomorrow. I'm gonna have to figure out how to tear the sod up, but I'm not expecting that to be too terribly difficult. When we moved to Michigan, I just fell in love with the gorgeous red color the leaves turn in the fall, and I can't wait to have them in my very own front yard! Now let's just hope I don't ignorantly plant them improperly, only to have them die a sad death on me. It wouldn't surprise me.

The only thing that bugs me is that I didn't get my hostas evenly spaced. The two hostas on the end up by my porch are too close together...and that drives me crazy! I wouldn't be surprised if I end up trying to move the end one down a little bit. Argh. I hate my anal-retentive ways. Actually, that comes from my marching band days. I got to where it was drilled into my head to be evenly spaced between the people on either side of me, and that weird obsession continues to this day. And yup, I still try to hit sidewalk seams with the balls of my feet, just as if they were yardlines.

I guess that's enough or tonight, given that the clock is ticking away towards 1:00 AM.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Can you hold it down? Mommy's head hurts.

Oh my gosh, what a weekend! I'm so tired, I can hardly see straight. My body might be feeling the big hurt, but my soul has been refreshed.

The RK had a great time with his Cub Scout den on the submarine. He made it back around 1:00 on Saturday, just in time for us to go over to my best neighbor's house for her daughter's 2nd birthday party. They even rented an inflatable jumpy-house and set it up in the back yard. After the obligatory aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents left, it was just a handful of neighbors left over, and then the party really started. The beer started flowing, and the blender was blending with pina coladas, and we all sat out in the back yard with our chairs in a circle until at least midnight!

My neighbor has been so amazing to me. She has been through a nasty & painful divorce, and has truly become one of my dearest friends this past year. She has been a wonderful source of knowledge, advice, encouragement, and support. She lives diagonally across the street, and one thing I've always hated is that in the evenings, we're both at home alone with our kids. Her husband works nights, so it's like we're both single moms. That makes it really hard for us to spend any decent amount of time together...

We saved very few things from the RK's babyhood, but one thing we managed to hang on to was his old baby monitor. And I've been using it with the IB. Now I'm not a paranoid, hovering, smothering type mom. I don't really have an issue with leaving my baby at home in bed while I go visit with the neighbors. A week or so ago, I decided to see if this antiquated baby monitor would work across the street. And it didn't. In fact, I was picking up my neighbor's daughter's monitor! So I went back home, very bummed. So I decided that I was finally going to retire this monitor and buy a new one. I found one at Target that said it was digital (more secure - less potential from other monitors being able to eavesdrop), had fourteen different channels, and had an 'out of range' indicator on it. So that way I would know for sure if I wasn't able to hear the IB wake up. It said it has a 900ft. range, and I was a little nervous about that. But when the IB's bedtime rolled around, I took him back across the street, put him to bed just like any other night, and took the baby monitor back over there. And praise the Lord, it works!

So my point was that now maybe SH and I can spend more time together in the evenings after our kids are in bed! I don't have a single issue with leaving the RK over here in bed alone...he's a very responsible, mature child. And sometimes what we do is use our little walkie-talkies whenever he doesn't want to come over there with me. But now I feel so good knowing that I will know if the IB needs me while I'm over there.

I had so much fun last night, though. This is such a dream come true for me...hanging out with my awesome neighbors on gorgeous spring evenings in this beautiful neighborhood in which I actually own a house! That is going to take me a while to get used to...hopefully we'll be here long enough so that I can. I'm so terrified of not being able to stay here and having to sell.

One thought that entered my mind throughout the course of the evening was 'Look at what my IH is missing out on.' Ever since we moved to Michigan eight years ago, I have listened to him gripe, complain, moan and wail about how badly he wanted a house. And I quote, "I would just be happy if we had a house." I wonder how many times I heard him express that over the years. And his reasons were so wrong. We were the only people we knew that didn't own a house, and he was ashamed of that. He never wanted to invite anyone over. I tried to convince him that we were pretty lucky to have that crappy apartment...after all, it kept us warm, dry, and safe. But he just has no clue how to count his blessings, while still wanting and striving for better. It's really quite sad. So he got his house...and now he's chosen not to live in it! Wow...he must really hate me. And I didn't even do anything wrong. Well, I know I have my issues to work on when it comes to this marriage, but the amount of fault in this whole ugly mess is definitely on his side of the coin.

So anyway, I've been really dragging ass today. I just can't bounce back from nights like last night like I used to. I got quite a bit done today, to my surprise. I got most of the laundry done, and got the kitchen cleaned up. I had been planning on planting my burning bushes and hostas that I bought on Friday afternoon, but given that I have no clue what I'm doing when it comes to gardening/landscaping, the thought of venturing into that new frontier with a hangover was more than I could handle today. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous this week, so maybe I'll wheel the IB's playpen out onto the lawn while the RK is at school, and I'll try to get my thumb to turn green.

Friday, May 18, 2007

A little more about me

The days are turning into weeks, and the weeks into months so quickly! I can't believe I'm already to another Friday. And in the middle of May already? Wow.

Even though I'm a stay-at-home mom, the weekends still hold a special significance for, relaxation, no worries. Although I really have more responsibilities on the weekends than I do during the week...I'm actually in charge of my nine-year-old instead of school. But he's so much fun...he's really a joy to have around, and I'm so lucky to be his mom.

I'll refer to him as The Rotten Kid...RK for short. He hates it when I call him that. He used to be my Itty-Bitty, but much to my dismay, he outgrew that name. I love making him happy, which in turn, makes him rotten. But a good rotten...he's very grounded, and has a good head on his shoulders. I love yanking his chain. I tell him that my sole purpose for living now is to torture him and drive him crazy. We have lots of fun.

I'm also pleased to report that the nickname of 'Itty-Bitty' has been taken once again in my life! Yup, that's right, I also have an almost-nine-month-old son! He was a total surprise...well, given my circumstances at the time he was conceived, I'd say 'shock' is more appropriate of a word. I'm still a little in shock, too, over being a mom of two. I had been a mom to one child for so long, I'd gotten used to it. I was content with the RK being an only child...I was an only child, and I turned out OK. And then there's that whole 'doing my part to keep from overpopulating the world' stance. This new addition to my life is amazing...making the RK a big brother is awesome. He was meant to be a big brother. He loves his baby brother so much! Watching the two of them grow a relationship is so amazing to me.

What is so devastating, though, is their father has decided he doesn't want to live with us anymore. He and I are in the middle of divorcing, and I am deep in mourning for the death of my marriage. I am devastated over his breaking his promise to me when we got married that I would never be put in this position. Or my kids. I'll be fine...I'm a big girl. But my sons miss their dad so much. Especially RK.

You see, he's now living with who I thought was my best friend up here. And I have such very different feelings for each of them. I fought so hard to save my marriage for my kids, and for myself, but one thing I've learned is that it's not all up to me. I'm getting to the point where I can imagine a new life for me, but some days it's still very hard. I still have some serious issues with all this, but so far I think I'm doing as well as anyone can expect. My kids still have a happy life, despite their father being absent.

We just bought a house a little over a year ago, too. So imagine what I'm thinking about my husband having bought a house with me, and now he's left it all for me to take care of. But I'm up for the challenge! It's not the cleanest dwelling in the land, but it's definitely not the nastiest, either. I recently learned how to operate a lawn mower, and I cut the grass all by myself. That was a HUGE one for me. I still have a long way to go, though.

I'm without the RK tonight. His Cub Scout den went on an excursion to spend the night on a WWII submarine docked over on the west coast of Michigan. So my idiot husband (IH) picked him up early from school and they headed out around 3:00 today. So I'm feeling a little lost right now! It's kinda nice, too, though. I've got the Itty-Bitty in bed, and now my mommy responsibilities are done for the night. Hmmm....maybe I'll have a cocktail...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Reason

I'm still not exactly sure what I'm going to do with this new blog. This isn't my first one, and given my history with starting and abandoning diaries/journals, whether they be on paper, a Word file, or yes, blogs, I'm not sure how committed to this one I'll be. But for some reason, I feel compelled to start yet another one.

I currently have one going on my MySpace page, but I've gotten to the point where I don't really feel like spilling my guts on there anymore, because people in my life that I know and love read it. That just limits my ability to be totally candid. I created my MySpace page to keep in touch with said loved ones, and to keep them up to date on what's going on in my world. But I just can't share everything in my heart for them all to see. So this is my own little secret...just mine. It is completely autonomous from everyone in my life. Let's just hope I can keep my big mouth shut.

My very first blog I created for the same reason I have created this one. To give me a place where I could open up and say whatever I want, whatever I feel, to get out the multitude of thoughts and ideas that torture me, to lighten my burden...somewhat. But it turns out I unknowingly started that blog at a very critical juncture in my life, and as the events unfolded, I ended up telling quite a few people about it. And a lot of wrong people gained access to it. That's not why I abandoned it, least not the whole reason. I have been through the most excruciating time thus far in my 34 years, and as I was trying to hang on, cope with, and come to terms with my whole world being revealed as one big enormous lie, sitting down and writing about it was way more than I could handle.

I feel like I've come through the very worst of it now, and a tiny little speck of light is starting to shine at the end of my dark, terrifying, evil tunnel. So I'm going to give this another go. With no intended audience, with no worries about how it's going to be received, without a lick of hesitation to write whatever the hell I want (see? I just said a bad word!). So if you happen upon this new brainchild of mine, I invite you to stick around. Let's see how this unfolds together. Like I said, I have no intended audience, but if my unique trains of thought on here intrigue you, you are more than welcome to come along this ride with me. And feel free to offer your own thoughts along the will be encouraging for me to know that this all won't be just randomly floating around out in cyberspace.

I am an eternal optimist. My glass isn't just half-full, it's full. There is no empty. My faith in humanity has been deeply shaken, but not destroyed. But my faith in God has never wavered. There has been a very dark, ominous cloud over my head now for the last...oh, nineteen months or so, and despite being soaked to the bone by its rain, and being painfully struck time and time again by its fierce, merciless lightning, after having been left cold, shivering, and wounded, my eyes have never left the silver lining. God has definitely led me into the valley of death, but He has never abandoned me, and my faith and my hope lie in Him to lead me out of it, to joy and happiness I never knew existed.

My pain is starting to lessen, but my future is still full of so much uncertainty. And I'm still utterly terrified. But I'm already bearing witness to growth. I'm already a very different person now than I was before this all began, when my life as I knew it ended. I have been forced to step out of my way-too-comfortable comfort zone and do things I never imagined in a million years I'd ever be capable of doing. I have already accomplished a lot. But I still have so much further to go!

I know I'm being quite cryptic and vague at this point, but don't worry. You'll get to know me, and learn the specifics of my circumstances...but all in due time. I gotta keep you wanting more, right?