The word 'desperation' just doesn't cover it

I hate it when I come up with all kinds of brilliant and profound things to say when I'm not sitting at my computer.

And frankly, I'm horrible at fully expressing these thoughts and emotions into the written word.

Music is such a big part of this for me.

I have my iPod on right now, at the moment listening to a little Stevie Ray. RIP.

I feel like I'm coming out of my emotional funk that consumed the past week of my life. And what a waste. I would've much rather been doing more joyful things.

I desperately need feedback from my dutiful readers. And thanks for reading and offering your comments, by the way. I'm so grateful.

I conceded this past week about letting my husband have his every-other-weekend parenting time with her. I had it put in my counter-proposal that the IH is allowed to have his parenting time around her, but if any emotional distress should become apparent, the arrangement will be revisted and the RK will get counseling.

Am I caving? Or am I being realistic?

This past weekend was horrible for me.

The IH informed me that she (and frankly, she doesn't even deserve the trouble I go through to put any reference to her in italics) thinks he needs to stand up for himself, and that his boys should be allowed to spend time with her and her kids. Like a perfect little family.

Excuse me while I puke.

Why is it that I've been hearing of all these other divorce cases where it's stipulated that the non-custodial parent is to not spend their parenting time with any sort of 'significant other'? So why must I forfeit this because my husband decided to shack up with this significant other? And not to mention the fact that this sig. other used to be a big part of my son's life, given that her son and my son were the best of friends?

Am I caving? Or should I stick to my guns?

The IH is not disputing who's going to be the custodial parent: me. The whole reason I'm fighting for this is for my children's wellbeing. But is it really that big of a risk, or am I just not seeing clearly through the fog of emotion I'm in? I mean, can that much emotional harm really come to the RK from 2 out of every 14 days? He's really excited about getting to be with his 'best friend' again. And I asked him to please let me know if there's any weird feelings or other issues he comes across once this whole routine starts.

But this raises another thought: if this is the way it's gonna be, the RK needs to understand that that is the only time he'll be able to spend with this friend. Every other weekend. No more. Just his weekends with his dad. Period.

Oh Lord, that just raises a whole other mess for me.

I don't know what to do!

Desperation.

The IH is completely oblivious to anything that resembles reality, especially if it's coming out of this mouth in particular. Do I take this chance, and take the risk that it's going to harm my sweet little boy's delicate emotional psyche? Or do I bust my ass to fight this? Is it a legitimate fight in the first place? Or am I just blinded and skewed by the overpowering emotions I'm consumed with?

Financially, I'm already in the hole with my lawyer, and this would just make it much worse. But I love my kids with the fiercest of passions, and if this is something I should fight for, I'll find a way. The method eludes me at this point, but I'll do it if I should.

Please take a moment...I need some good detached, objective advice. Please offer me your thoughts and suggestions, and I'll be praying for clarity of mind and open eyes to weigh it all appropriately.

Damn it...this post turned out to be nothing like I thought it would. Or had intended. I wish I could just telepathically think my thoughts onto this blog. Hopefully I'll have the opportunity to put some of those mind-blowing epiphanies on here some other time.

Thanks in advance...I love y'all!

Perspective

So this is the start of Memorial Day weekend, 2007. Holy crap, is it really 2007? I can't believe we're already closer to the end of this decade than we are to the beginning of it.

My baby turns 10 this year. This time, one decade ago, I was a big fat whale, so excited for the birth of my first child.

I was a newlywed, too.

I look back on the past decade of my life, and boy, I never imagined in a million years I'd end up where I am right now.

It's sad....horribly, heartbreakingly sad....yet at the same time, very empowering.

I think back on the past, the shit I've been through...the good, the glorious...
...and the bad.

The awful...

Excruciating.

Soul-crushing.


My future right now is very different from how it was this time one decade ago.

I'm finally learning that my crystal ball is a little on the fritz.
I've gotta learn how to stop depending so much on it.

...and how to depend less on the promises made by those who are dearest to me.
Because it turns out I might not be so dear to them after all.

So many lessons learned...
...way too late.

But perhaps it's not that late...I still have a lot ahead of me.
A lot to look forward to.
And I don't even know what it is.

It's just so different now. So altered. So off-track...
...or so I thought.

Perhaps I'm still right on track, and just don't know it.